When a scapegoat goes NC does the scapegoat change to a sibling?

[StarStruck]

Could my sibling be the new scapegoat when I go NC?

-If this is too vague please write your thoughts and I will reply to fill you in-

Thanks in advance

[Legacymaker]

I always thought my brother was the scapegoat.  He went NC for about 3 years, now that he is back in my mother's life, I am her new punching bag. I have just realized that she can only maintain one relationship at a time and now I am out!

[redroom]

That's a good question!  I'm the VLC (very low contact) scapegoat right now.  There's just me and my sister.  I think it's straining their relationship, but I've gone from the "worthless loser" to the "worthless loser who won't even contact her sick mom", in my mom's eyes. 

I think it's giving my sister a clearer view of the situation, though.  She's finally (albeit slowly) getting the idea that something's really not right w/ our mom.

[itsnotme]

I think so. I'm the oldest of 4. I'm always black. Sib #2 is also black but not as much as I am. #3 is golden and #4 (also believe BPD) goes either way. Right now  nc, 2 Is vlc, 3 answers every call/text & 4 well it depends... they feed off of each other. I think they need someone to be the bad guy and someone to complain to.

[StarStruck]

Thank you all for your comments and perspectives!

I think it's giving my sister a clearer view of the situation, though.  She's finally (albeit slowly) getting the idea that something's really not right w/ our mom.

Can symp with you there redroom... . yeah slllowwwly. Nice when you know they are started to get it though, then you just prayer its the real thing and that it will continue!

I'm balancing on top of the fence between VLC and NC right now and have sib to manage with it. You got to be so careful with what you say. I've found it exhausting, actually the whole thing, insomnia for two nights blah blah

Even when Im NC wonder if will always have role as scapegoat and if I don't what that will mean for sib. thinking of it, it will no doubt change over time depending on how sib takes it and how much she will use that.

God just want peace for crying out loud don't we all! not fair

[Sitara]

With my mom, there's a split between me and my sis.  One of us is always the "friend" who she hangs out with all the time, the one she complains to, and it's usually the one of us who is doing whatever she wants (the golden).  The other is the one she complains about (the black).  My dad always gets the role of dumping ground and blame.

Growing up I was typically the golden because I would do anything my mom wanted, but now that I've put up boundaries, my sister has taken over that role.

Even in the role of golden though, you aren't immune to her criticisms.  She will tell you how you should be living your life and telling you all the things you're doing wrong.  The difference really is, which child is more willing to sacrifice themselves to do what she demands.

Not sure if that answers your question, but I hope it helps.

[StarStruck]

Sitara - how weird does this sound, in ref to what u said. I used to do everything mine wanted (although I questioned her actions and motives from a very young age... . think that was the problem). So I couldn't get any gooder and yet I was the one who came of worse. I was more frightened of her I think she liked seeing level of control. She would be impressed when my brother used to laugh back sometimes - bizarre.

It is welcome to the world of mentalism isn't it. 'Well cheers for the sight seeing but now I'm out of here, beam me up'

[lauren2013]

Starstruck,

I knew exactly what you meant simply from reading the subject line.  No explanation needed!

I have ALWAYS been the scapegoat.  Actually, I call myself the sacrificial lamb.  I kept it together.  I am (in her words) the best thing she's ever done in her life, but I am also married to a "ghetto thug" and I am conceited and ungrateful.  My whole family endures her wrath, but I have always had a special role in the family of holding everything together and also being the punching bag.  I am now NC with my mom and my dad (who I was previously close with) has not reached out to me at all whatsoever.  It's weird - everyone in the family seems to be a little panicked that I am no longer there to be the lamb.  I got a text from my dad when I first went no contact saying "where is all this coming from?" and "can't there be some forgiveness? this is uncalled for" and I was shocked at first thinking "how can he not understand? I KNOW he does. We've talked about it."  But then it dawned on me - he doesn't really NOT understand.  He's not wondering how I could do this... . he's wondering how he's going to cope now that I'm not there to be the lamb!  Same with my brothers!  They are all realizing that they are even more in the line of fire (and that my mom will FREAK out not having contact with me) and they are scared.

My mom has always idealized me and devalued me (classic BPD), but more often than not I am idealized.  I am the CEO of my company (not really), I have run countless marathons in record times (only 3), I am a perfect reflection of her and how wonderful she is as a mother ;-)  It actually makes me feel more guilty b/c she idealizes me more than she devalues me and I know others have the opposite problem.  But the fact remains, none of those images of me are ever constant.  Just as quickly as I am her "gift from god" (she literally says that), I am a conceited b**ch. 

Sorry for the long post.  I'm on a roll today!  haha.

But yeah, totally know what you mean.

L

[StarStruck]

Thanks so much Lauren2013!

You got it it pretty much god damn spot on! in describing ME!, not a long post... it's great... ROCK ON! Strength, peace, joy, happiness and hugs to you! 

[StarStruck]

Hi again Lauren2013 - I wanted to sign back in to fill out my post to you.

I feel for you about the idolization thing, thats not easy. I get you totally on the holding in together thing in the group. The issues they have with my Mom is talked about through me, like you, I do think they will be like "o - poo thats changed the dynamic somewhat". That's pretty obvious from what you've written that you have a real good scope on what's going on, with your dad almost being in denial to the point he's contradicting himself right to you, no wonder you were shocked at first. He may come round in time. If he doesn't you have still done the very best thing for you.

With the brothers yes get that, the dynamic will be off and they are left being unsure of their role in the group. I was wondering whether the heat would come of me onto my brother, or whether I will still be n0.1 pain in the ass?

I've just gone official NC as is were and realize how difficult that can be to initiate! Well done L,