BPD Mom with Stage 4 Cancer

[Tanith]

I introduced myself on the newbie thread.  I have a BPD mom (I am not sure if she was ever dx'd, last time she saw a shrink I was 16 and I will be 50 in a few months, but my half-sisters former husband who did tours in psychiatry suggested NPD, I think it's BPD because she acts like a 3 year old, completely).  I have kept her in my life at great personal cost.  Raised by her in near total isolation from any other sources of support, disallowed autonomy to build a freestanding relationship with my dad or anyone else in the family, by the time I reached adulthood I didn't even try to connect with other family for a bunch of reasons.  My dad died when I was 23 so that wasn't an option, and my mom's whole family I just continued to steer clear of because her jealousy makes it more trouble than it's worth to try to do anything with anyone in the family that doesn't involve her.  It triggers a jealous rage and she won't leave you alone, imagines you were talking things about her behind her back, don't love her, etc.  She will keep calling you over and over.  She called my dad so much when they were married that she got him fired from his job.  She did the same thing to me when I was a teen. 

I think I developed the core belief that people are dangerous and unsafe, and I am pretty misanthropic.  I will have periods where I overcome that and develop more social relationships, but if something bad happens as a result of something someone does, and I get hurt, I climb back into my cave, dig the mote, fill it with alligators.  Yet stay in communication with my mom who I talk to every day and who, while she says she loves me, is never happier than when I am not dating and am socially isolated. 

I've struggled my adult life at how to control the distance of this relationship to minimize the psychological damage and other damage.  I used to take breaks from her - a couple of weeks -- and in my 30s I was in a 6+ year relationship that help make me "saner" in handling her because I had the support of someone who could make me laugh at her and the whole situation.  And be a new family for me.  That ended due to infidelity (his) and disagreement over whether or not to have kids (me yes, him no).

Nearly 4 years ago, my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic breast cancer.  By the time they found it it had gone to her bones, but wasn't very extensive in the bones.  I realized that she had no one other than me living local to her, and committed to helping her which means now spending every Sunday with her, either taking her to chemo (which she has 2 out of every 3 Sundays), and/or shopping, and/or lunch.  She can't walk to the store anymore.  I thought I was buckling down for the short haul, but turns out she's been pretty stable on her meds, although her ability to do things for herself had progressively degraded.

Spending more time with her has done a number on my head.  Between my 55 hour a week job, pets, and my mom, I have little energy or spirit to care for myself or put myself out there to connect with friends or potential dates.  The isolation makes me more vulnerable to her, and then (as I am also perimenopausal and having some issues with emotional control that I think are related to that) I can often be easily triggered into a state of rage or despair.

I have joined an ACOA group but really, I feel as though my life is in the toilet and it's mainly because I've never cut the umbilical cord with her and now that she has cancer and no one else in her life to help, my increased contact with her is really making me feel trapped and hopeless. 

Any advice on how to cope with this situation?

Thank you.

[Sitara]

Welcome Tanith! I can relate to a few of the things that you said.  My mom is also undiagnosed. She kept us isolated from all extended relatives, and I too learned that people were not to be trusted.  I have slowly been getting over that last one when I realized that the reality she had taught me was true was not the actual reality.  I do have to make a conscious effort sometimes to remind myself that people are not saying or doing things with the intent to hurt me, and to not throw up that wall, but overall I've been doing better with outside relationships.

I'm sorry to hear your mom has cancer and that you have become her sole caretaker.  I'm not experienced with this.  However, you do need to make sure you are taking care of yourself first.  If it's becoming too much for you to do, perhaps you can cut back, say do half as much or only take her to appointments.  Is it an option to get her into a living assistance facility or find someone who can take care of her needs?

I had to start limiting contact when I started having physical reactions to interactions with her like migraines and panic attacks.  You have to make sure you're focusing on keeping yourself healthy.  It doesn't do anyone any good if you're sacrificing yourself.   

[lucyhoneychurch]

Hello, Tanith  

Geez, if one word didn't jump out at me, with the changes in my life recently enough, in your post, and my insides just drooped and sagged reading your description of having had a period in your life where it looked possible to be with a loved one and find contentment and then he ruined it -

that word is "isolation."

My post under rebl's about Forgiveness will give you my update from my newbie post... . but I vacillate between contented enough that I live alone, have my "cave" to withdraw into if I must, that my abusive uBPD'd mother passed a year ago and any further contact with her or the rest of the FOO after my 10-yr- NC is forever out of the question... . and at age 51 not even remotely interested in dating, meeting people, not even meeting other women friends, as the handful I have I know and I trust and I love like sisters or mothers that I never had -

But I'm not "under the gun" anymore like what you are living with, where I have to grapple with her care and the prognosis, both hers and mine, that this is going to worsen before it ever improves (for you the daughter at least)... . with her passing... .

What I hear you thinking aloud is, what the hell have you got going for you, as it has spiralled into this present day emotional mortuary of isolation, much of which she created for you in your earlier years?

What have you got going for you... . when I went NC with the uBPD'd mother and the enmeshed family, I was a struggling mom of three young children, very unhappy in my marriage, having migraines anytime I'd get around her (the NC dealt with that so quickly I realized how I'd suffered so long not connecting with her), so lonely even with a house full of people, good friends from childhood giving me grief for "turning away from them, they're OLD!" like I didn't know that, so no support there either.

I felt so awash in fear, self-loathing, despair, sorrow, basically just pure grief.

Grief has cycles. What I hear in your post is that you are in a fixated stage of grief for so many things - your childhood, the connection with your family and your dad, this man who abandoned you with infidelity, any hope of a mother who treats you kindly - unlike grief usually plays out, finally reaching acceptance they say... . you just keep getting tossed on the rocks over and over.

You are really drowning and I wish I could throw you a lifeline, haul you in hand over hand and even just dump you on the sand... . that'd be an improvement. Because then you could stand up and find a way to walk.

What I hear mostly is that you so SO need an outlet in your real world - a counselor, a pastor, a friend (mine have saved me so many times, the few I've got) - you need that lifeline. And right now YOU are the only one who can throw it in your direction.

I have empathy for you even though I have no idea what it would've been like if my mother had developed cancer and I'd stayed in contact and ended up her sole caregiver - so I am a clueless empathizer. But an empathizer with imagination enough to know, from our shared histories, that you are very very troubled and in great emotional pain.

In your real world, is there any way to contact someone and vent in a safe environment even if it's one hour - or once a week? I have always had trouble talking to a stranger like a counselor, the total of 2 times I tried it I hated it... . but you have got to find help.

No one will step into save us. We know that. We have to save ourselves. In your isolated life, you are going to have to rally enough to see the light at the end of the tunnel - it won't always be this way, I swear, she will be gone one day.  What can you do to hold on until then?

I am unfamiliar with ACOA and will look it up to see what that is in reference to you... . the words "hopeless" and "despair" and "trapped" are there in black and white in your post - I feel so terrible that your state of mind is flailing around like that.

At least come back and vent some more on this board - keep your post bumped up with new rants/thoughts. I'm sorry I didn't see it sooner. I very much believe in saying, "Hey, I'm still living and breathing and here, take my hand I will yank you along your journey just a little further if I can... . "

I'm so sorry.

Tell us more?  

Oh crap... . edited to add ACOA how could I be so stupid?   Adult Children of Alcoholics... . sorry ... . how often do you see the other ACOA folks?

we're here for you