One more step

[Rbrdkyst4]

Good Sunday morning!

After 2 years of NC with uPDm and enDad, I have blocked (set up an auto-delete feature) with their email addresses, and blocked other computer chat type stuff.

I'm also heading back to a therapist because although I am aware of how the enmeshed relationship messed up my life, it is starting to re-affect my relationship with my wife. I guess I hit a coasting period where I though all was well. Recent events however have shown me that life isn't as rosey as I thought. She's under tremendous stress at work and the last thing she needs me to do is have her as a substitute mother figure. Serious wake up call.

I'll be online a little more often. I have to work on more self awareness, empathy, and needs of both myself and my wife's without loss of my identity, which was happening. I'm still pretty messed up even after 3 years.

On a side note: enDad sent an email wishing us a happy anniversary, where they didn't come to the wedding, and accused my wife of being a gold digging whore (and I failed to stand up to them and didn't inspire confidence in my wife). Really pisses me off.

[lucyhoneychurch]

One more step... . but such a vital one! 

I am divorced one year now, oldest child of a uBPD mother who passed away a year ago as well - some big milestones or whatever you call endings of that type in my life... .

I have been seeing a man for almost 2 yrs who constantly looks for me to mother him - and we all need a mother from time to time, I sure miss having had one all my life and his died when he was 18 months old.

When I have stressors in my life due to maybe finances or health or anything about my adult kids (they are all doing well, it's my fighting being wigged out like my late mother would've been, letting them do their thing)... . this man will flip into needy. Mean. Spiteful. Pretty toxic actually.

To read your words, that for your wife's sake and your own, you are going to back up and take some time to address your self awareness, empathy and her needs,  my goodness, that is so cool!     

When my friend sees I am not fulfilling the role he's assigned me as a sub mother, he acts out, and when I stand up for myself and say, "Sorry, this late in my life I am not putting up with that," he calls that "making it all about [me] you." So his acting out escalates to abandonment, literally him walking out my door and throwing gravel in my drive in his pickup truck.

You and your wife are married. You are willing to get busy on some hard work to protect that relationship. My ex husband never did, even when he'd say his problems were our overall issue (dx'd with antisocial personality disorder in his mid-40s).

I just had to congratulate you on being such a humble man to seek help and keep your roles in your home as they should be - husband and wife and not son/mother.

Being a rescuer in my early years and so submissive to my abusive mother and silent father, I never knew how to speak up for myself. My broken friend is never going to look out for me like he looks out for himself (this is survival, I know, he's only doing what he knows how to do, we've talked about it but it doesn't kick in when he gets crappy CRAPPY attitude going).

On behalf of your wife, and just because it is so refreshing to hear a man say he's going to self-evaluate and work at change in the dynamics, big thank you from a bystander out here! 

Good luck and I hope you'll let us know how things progress.

PS... . example of the flip-flop and so typical - Sunday was the anniv of my late brother's passing many years ago, just a hard day, he died young, and this friend was going to take me for a drive to see the sunset. Nice idea right? Well, a van had gone off the road in one of the fields he rents for corn/soybeans, I get left in a pickup truck on a blind curve in the dark with the state trooper's and deputy's blue lights spinning in the dark and I can tolerate those lights in daylight but not at night - as he was getting out saying, "That's MY field," and not admitting his curiosity was killing him, and I am saying, "PLEASE do not leave me sitting here!" and his door slams - the ditch on my side full of water, his farm to far too walk, my house even further - they basically tell him just to get back in his truck... . I asked WHY did you leave me when I asked you not to, he got so so furious... . "THAT'S RIGHT it's ALL about you isn't it?" he snarled... . "There wasn't any reason you had to be scared!" I told him I did not have to explain why those lights frightened me (I know what it is, the lights in my brother's funeral procession that wound through the city we grew up in) and to take me home. We go ripping around all these curves out here, I am crying... . thinking, "God he did it to you again, you were going ot keep your distance, you swore to yourself on 2/11!" I get out, there'd been a big bag of Hershey's kisses in the seat between us, I forgot them and didn't hear him say "take these" with the rumble of his big truck pipes... . so he threw them on the ground... . I found them the next morning. And then he put that big truck in reverse and roared off.

He starts texts that next morning, just like everything had been fine.

The projection when he yells at me, when I am saying, You need to stop this behavior, that it's all about me... . well... . it's not it's about him.  Because he does not have the tools to make it about anyone else. He has thanked me profusely for being there for a solid month when he went from food poisoning to pneumonia over Xmas/New Year's and the 400+ people in his cell who call when they need a drive snowplowed or whatever never checked on him... . then I am the nicest person he's ever met. He splits me into what he can get and what he hates to hear about what he's done to me. Again. Because I am available.

You can love someone all you want, I swear I am so addicted to his amazing blue eyes and smile and this is an ol' codger farmer I've known for 17 years... . but he is toxic to me.

I can walk away from this. Or I should... . but I am so so proud of you for investing yourself and your energy and your time into your wife's welfare.   

Okay... . now I'm done .  Just wanted to explain a little more why I think you're doing a good good thing... . for both of you.

[StarStruck]

Hi Rbrdkyst4

On a side note: enDad sent an email wishing us a happy anniversary, where they didn't come to the wedding, and accused my wife of being a gold digging whore (and I failed to stand up to them and didn't inspire confidence in my wife). Really pisses me off.

Absolutely charming of your dad basically just an excuse/opportunity to cause you and your beloved pain.

Was the email from your dad before of after NC?

Was it why you went NC?


In ref to you saying about you working on stuff... btw...  .

This came to mind... . validation in everyday is so important. People from all family histories can invalidate... Here's the list I found:


20 Ways you can emotionally invalidate someone  :

1. Ordering the person to feel differently

Cheer up.

Don’t cry.

Don’t worry.

Don’t be sad.

Stop whining.

2. Ordering the person to “look” differently

Don’t look so sad.

Don’t look so smug.

Don’t look so down.

Don’t look like that.

Don’t make that face.

3. Denying the person’s perception, defending

But of course I respect you.

But I do listen to you.

That is ridiculous (nonsense, totally absurd, etc.)

I was only kidding.

I honestly don’t judge you as much as you think.

4. Trying to make the person feel guilty While invalidating

I tried to help you.

At least I…

At least you…

You are making everyone else miserable.

You just won’t accept anyone’s help.

5. Trying to Isolate

You are the only one who feels that way.

It doesn’t bother anyone else, why should it bother you?

No one else feels that way.

Nobody has a problem with it except you.

6. Minimizing the feelings

You must be kidding.

It can’t be that bad.

Your life can’t be that bad.

You are just … (being difficult; being dramatic, in a bad mood, tired, etc)

It’s nothing to get upset over.

7. Using reason

There is no reason to get upset.

You are not being rational.

But it doesn’t make any sense to feel that way.

Let’s look at the facts.

But if you really think about it…

8. Debating

I don’t always do that.

It’s not that bad. (that far, that heavy, that hot, that serious, etc.)

I didn’t say that!

That’s not what I meant.

9. Judging & labeling

You are a cry baby.

You have a problem.

You are too sensitive.

You are over-reacting. You are too thin-skinned.

You are way too emotional.

10. Turning Things Around

You are making a big deal out of nothing.

You are blowing this way out of proportion.

You are making a mountain out of a molehill.

11. Trying to get the person to question himself/herself

What is your problem?

What’s wrong with you?

What’s the matter with you?

Why can’t you just get over it?

Can’t you take a joke?

12. Telling the person how he/she “Should” Feel or Act

You should be excited.

You should be thrilled.

You should feel guilty.

You should feel thankful.

You should feel ashamed of yourself.

13. Defending The Other Person

Maybe they were just having a bad day.

I am sure she didn’t mean it like that.

You just took it wrong.

I am sure she means well.

14. Negating, Denial & Confusion

Now you know that isn’t true.

You don’t mean that.

You don’t really mean that.

You are just… (in a bad mood today, tired, cranky)

15. Sarcasm and Mocking

Oh, you poor thing. Did I hurt your little feelings?

What did you think? The world was created to serve you?

What happened to you? Did you get out of the wrong side of bed again?

16. Laying Guilt Trips

Don’t you ever think of anyone but yourself?

What about my feelings?

Have you ever stopped to consider my feelings?

17. Philosophizing Or Cliches

Time heals all wounds.

Every cloud has a silver lining.

Life is full of pain and pleasure.

When you are older you will understand.

You are just going through a phase.

It is what it is.

18. Talking about the person when she can hear it

She is impossible to talk to.

You can’t say anything to her.

She’s such a…

19. Showing Intolerance

This is getting really old.

This is getting really pathetic.

I am sick of hearing about it.

20. Making it about you

When I feel that way, I…

You think you have it bad? I once…

Do you ever think about me?

What about my feelings/needs?

That’s nothing. I had it much worse when…

[Sitara]

I just wanted to say welcome back! We all have a lot of work to do. I'm also here to work on my issues and become a better person for my husband and kids. Wanted to let you know you aren't alone. So here's to healing!

[itsnotme]

Step in the right direction! I know I need to go back to therapy but I just don't have the time. Really to be honest I don't want to waste one more moment with my mommy issues. I feel she has taken so much from me that it will piss me off even more dedicating an hour a week talking about her when really I should take that hour and make it about my husband, kids or heck even myself.

If I wasnt so bitter I would be in therapy myself. I just went nc a few months ago so it's just starting to hit and I'm process it. Let me know if it helps. It's worth a shot.

Good luck!