I've been NC for almost a month

[Depression = 72% of members]

So... . I went NC with my mother about a month ago, and it has been the most wonderful experience. I feel awful saying it, and a part of me knows I shouldn't feel bad for it, but this has been so freeing. I even deactivated my Facebook account so she couldn't lurk me or have my other family members report back to her on my life. The only downside is I haven't talked to my grandmother since I went NC and do not think there is a way to keep a relationship with her but not my mother.

I am planning to mail my grandmother some photos of my son within the next week, and I really don't want my mother to have them or make copies of them. Is this a crazy thought for me? I feel like maybe I'm being passive aggressive, but she doesn't DESERVE them. My mother basically lives with my grandmother and does all of her chores for her, so there is no way I can go over there and visit her without having to deal with my mother. I am still very sad about this, but it is so worth not having to deal with my mother.

My mother sent my son a Valentine care package last week, and I'm convinced she paid more for the postage than what was actually inside, plus she wrote him a pathetic note about how much she misses him. He's 4 and can't read, so we all know who that note was really for.

In other news, my sister and I are incredibly close now. We have been seeing each other every week and have been talking on the phone/through texts every day. I feel like both of us going NC around the same time has made our relationship stronger.

I suspect my mother will try contacting me soon. I don't expect an apology, but I think that she will be very creepy/stalker-ish when she does decide she wants to come back around. She usually shoves herself in my life in some way and acts like she never did anything wrong. This has happened in the past, and I do not want to go through it again. This is the biggest blow up we have had since my son has been born. Have any of you ever considered a restraining order to make sure they leave you alone? I don't want the emotional stress of her contacting me.

If you didn't read my earlier post about going NC, just know that it is the best thing for my situation, probably forever. My mother is incredibly dangerous and has pulled a loaded handgun on both my sister and me in the past, and most recently did it on New Year's Eve. She did it many times over the course of my childhood, and has manipulated me for my entire life.

Oh, and I have been reading Toxic Parents, as well as a book on FOG. I am really feeling 100x better than a month ago. Now, to just find employment so we can move 1800 miles away... .  

[arky]

So... . I went NC with my mother about a month ago, and it has been the most wonderful experience. I feel awful saying it, and a part of me knows I shouldn't feel bad for it, but this has been so freeing. I even deactivated my Facebook account so she couldn't lurk me or have my other family members report back to her on my life. The only downside is I haven't talked to my grandmother since I went NC and do not think there is a way to keep a relationship with her but not my mother.

I am planning to mail my grandmother some photos of my son within the next week, and I really don't want my mother to have them or make copies of them. Is this a crazy thought for me? I feel like maybe I'm being passive aggressive, but she doesn't DESERVE them. My mother basically lives with my grandmother and does all of her chores for her, so there is no way I can go over there and visit her without having to deal with my mother. I am still very sad about this, but it is so worth not having to deal with my mother.

My mother sent my son a Valentine care package last week, and I'm convinced she paid more for the postage than what was actually inside, plus she wrote him a pathetic note about how much she misses him. He's 4 and can't read, so we all know who that note was really for.

In other news, my sister and I are incredibly close now. We have been seeing each other every week and have been talking on the phone/through texts every day. I feel like both of us going NC around the same time has made our relationship stronger.

I suspect my mother will try contacting me soon. I don't expect an apology, but I think that she will be very creepy/stalker-ish when she does decide she wants to come back around. She usually shoves herself in my life in some way and acts like she never did anything wrong. This has happened in the past, and I do not want to go through it again. This is the biggest blow up we have had since my son has been born. Have any of you ever considered a restraining order to make sure they leave you alone? I don't want the emotional stress of her contacting me.

If you didn't read my earlier post about going NC, just know that it is the best thing for my situation, probably forever. My mother is incredibly dangerous and has pulled a loaded handgun on both my sister and me in the past, and most recently did it on New Year's Eve. She did it many times over the course of my childhood, and has manipulated me for my entire life.

Oh, and I have been reading Toxic Parents, as well as a book on FOG. I am really feeling 100x better than a month ago. Now, to just find employment so we can move 1800 miles away... .  

[Legacymaker]

Proud of you Arky!

This was a big move for you but I see good things ahead for you, your sister and your son!

Is your Grandmother coherent, ambulatory? 

Would it be possible to set up a meeting point with her, through a mutual friend?

Perhaps there is someone who would be willing to bring her to a restaurant for a meal or something.

Please keep in touch with us as you move forward with these great changes!

[Sitara]

I am planning to mail my grandmother some photos of my son within the next week, and I really don't want my mother to have them or make copies of them. Is this a crazy thought for me?

If it makes you crazy, it makes me crazy too.  I've been postponing putting up pictures on facebook from my son's birthday because I'm friends with my dad on there and I know my mom asks him about us.  I wouldn't mind him seeing them but it bothers me when she does, partly because I know she has made copies of them in the past.

It's nice that it's brought you and your sister closer.

I don't know what to tell you about the restraining order - that's not something I particularly have to worry about. My mom takes the opposite of stalker and goes ultimate silent treatment.  In the past she has gone for months without talking to me.

Glad you're feeling better though!

[krista8521]

 

Just want to say good for you!

Both my Husband and I have been n/c with my MIL and SIL for a year and a half and it's been incredibly awesome since then.

They try to skirt around the n/c for a few months until they learn you mean business.

They throw tantrums, play games, threats, spiteful things etc... . we were in counseling at the time and the Therapist kept telling us not to respond to any of it and they will slowly move along.

Your Mom will make random attempts to get at you, just don't not react on any level. Because if you do they only escalate the behavior and trying to re establish n/c after that will be very difficult.

About two months ago we ran into MIL, I walked past without saying anything. My Husband stopped and said "Merry Christmas mom" and the first thing out of her mouth after 12-13 months was a ugly remark against me. Husband snickered and said "okay Ma, have a good one gotta go!" that was it. We learned she hadn't had any thought or reflection, so the n/c shall continue.

If you really don't want her around, stay very firm. N/C at all. If she gets out of hand, you might want to try a "cease and desist letter"

Google that plus template. You can find ones online that you fill in with your personal info. Then put it in a envelope addressed to you mom. Take it to the post office and tell them you want it sent certified. She will have to sign for the letter and you get a copy of the signed receipt. It only cost like 5-6 dollars to send that way.

This will send mom a clear statement that her behavior will stop or you will pursue legal action next. It usually scares/shakes them up and they immediately stop the behavior.

For us personally it took many months after the initial n/c to heal, but its been so good without these two causing so much drama and hurt in our lives. I couldn't be happier right now.

Good luck!

[arky]

I am planning to mail my grandmother some photos of my son within the next week, and I really don't want my mother to have them or make copies of them. Is this a crazy thought for me?

If it makes you crazy, it makes me crazy too.  I've been postponing putting up pictures on facebook from my son's birthday because I'm friends with my dad on there and I know my mom asks him about us.  I wouldn't mind him seeing them but it bothers me when she does, partly because I know she has made copies of them in the past.

Okay, I have news that can help you with this! If you want to put up photos of your son's birthday without your father seeing, you can change the visibility of that album to "Friends Except" and then add your father's name. Before I deactivated my profile, I would hide at least 3/4 of my posts from my mother this way. It helps you still stay connected while avoiding the drama. Crazy that we have to do this, but whatever works, right?

[arky]

Is your Grandmother coherent, ambulatory? 

Would it be possible to set up a meeting point with her, through a mutual friend?

Perhaps there is someone who would be willing to bring her to a restaurant for a meal or something.

I SO wish this were possible. My grandmother is the epitome of Southern Lady. She has never driven and can do little for herself other than cook and a little cleaning. Before my grandfather passed away in 2002, he took care of everything for them, and now that he's gone, my mother has assumed his role. I think she does this because she wants to control her; she has gotten worse about it since my sister and I have moved out. I feel really, really sorry for my grandmother, but a part of me thinks that my grandmother may also be borderline, which is a whole other post in itself.

Long story short: I have been kicking around a ton of ideas to try and see her, but I can't make any of them work out. I am going to continue trying to think of things. My husband is still connected to my mother on Facebook, but she has limited profile visibility, so he can keep tabs on her and make sure she isn't posting anything slanderous. He is keeping an eye out for a post indicating she may be going out of town. So that could work.

[arky]

If you really don't want her around, stay very firm. N/C at all. If she gets out of hand, you might want to try a "cease and desist letter"

Great idea. That will be my first step if that point comes. I definitely think it will work, even if it just buys me some time. I really cannot afford an attorney right now, anyway.

[Sitara]

you can change the visibility of that album to "Friends Except" and then add your father's name.

I'm aware you can do that but I've already pretty much blocked him from anything I write on facebook and if I take away pictures too it's like, what's the point of being friends online anyway? If I take that last step I might as well just unfriend him. And yes, it is crazy the steps we have to take sometimes.

[arky]

you can change the visibility of that album to "Friends Except" and then add your father's name.

I'm aware you can do that but I've already pretty much blocked him from anything I write on facebook and if I take away pictures too it's like, what's the point of being friends online anyway? If I take that last step I might as well just unfriend him. And yes, it is crazy the steps we have to take sometimes.

I hate it for you. I know what you're going through, though. My parents are divorced, but I have to worry about the rest of my family and our mutual friends. My mother has managed to keep up this wonderful facade and can somehow convince everyone she is the victim in every area of her life.