My perceptions

[HopeEternal]

Hi All:

I just got a birthday card from my elderly uBPD mom. She relocated 5 months ago  across country to move in with my brother and his family.

I am mostly nc now... . off and on over the years... but since she moved she rarely talks communicates or returns calls etc except she sent a few texts to say her cellphone battery died and shell call me when she gets a new one... . I guess my brother and his wife dont own phones because 'my battery died' is what she told me since October. !

Once in January She did pick up when I called and said that she doesn't call cuz she isn't worried cuz she get s 'reports' about me and how well im doing from her mother (who btw is 85 and suffers from dementia so bad she called me two weeks before my birthday to sing happy birthday to me) --but she feels confident with these ''reports'... . as us she also told me shes having difficulty and... as usual... . would I please pray for her.Again. nothing wrong with

prayer but yo need to do some work too.

After 5 months of this I got mad a few weeks ago and cussed her out... I cant even remember now what precipitated that unprecedented act. But I felt relieved

So her birthday card said that shes always been there for me... . loved me.supported me in every way bla blah blah and if I think she been different, that her love for me has changedt since she moved its only my 'perceptions.' My perception is ... . she lives  say that.

Does this make sense to anybody?

[Sitara]

she doesn't call cuz she isn't worried

My mom says this too, usually when I would go on a trip or something, saying we should only contact if something is wrong.  I don't understand the thinking behind it but it always just made me feel like they only wanted to know if they would have to worry or do anything and didn't care about hearing the good things and touching base.

if I think she been different, that her love for me has changedt since she moved its only my 'perceptions.'

This sounds like a pretty typical "it's not me, it's you." She's saying that she's fine, if there's a problem with the situation it's on your head. Lovely message for a birthday card. 

[HopeEternal]

Hi Sitara!

Thank you for your response. I agree with everything you said. I come here for validation because this is the kind of stuff that is crazy-making!Grrr... .

Just re-read the card. The card itself was lovely. On  the inside she wrote:

'Hope, I've always been supportive of you and helped you emotionally and financially. Whatever has happened since I've relocated that you feel I wasn't available for is your perception. Calm down and realize I love you, stop being hard on me.'

Now, look-Anybody on the outside would read that and say 'what a horrible daughter you are... . look at how your hurting your POOR MOTHER! [/b] :'(   I feel Guilt.

She relocated across country at the end of last year to move in with my bipolar brother, his wife and kids.  I live 12 hours away from her and last year she asked to travel out and to come help her move across country. I said sure... . And then, she moved and didn't even tell me until afterward.  One day in September I got a text from her saying, 'I got here yesterday.'  

Ok fine. It was weird but ... . whatever.  We talked a few times... . and for a while, I had a mother.  And then... . boom... .  I didn't hear from her for 2 months. We had been on LC for a while up to that point but at least we were talking.  But she is VERY inconsistent and unpredictable; You have to understand; In this relationship there have been YEARS where we were LC/NC-thanks to her-as she is very good at withholding emotional support. Then I discovered LC/NC for myself and started using it to self protect.

So, I reached out but She wouldnt return calls, or anything.  So one day in November I texted her' I haven't heard from you in 2 months. She wrote back, 'Nor have I heard from you during one of my biggest life transitions.[/b]'  

Huh? LADY, WHAT are you TALKING about!

See what I mean... . KRAAA-ZEEEE!  

My T told me loong ago that I needed to put some serious emotional distance between me and my uBPDmom.  She also told me that she believed that mom is not always in touch with reality.  Years ago, when my bipolar brother was still living with my uBPD mom and I went for a brief visit and they made me crazy, my T told me to 'get out of that nuthouse.' Sigh. She was the one who made me see that all the FOG I suffered was not my own making. Prior to that , and coming here, I'd kept wondering why I would go for long periods of happiness and stability in my life and then suddenly... . Boom! I would suddenly have bouts of suicidal ideation?.  I took a skilled therapist to help me make the connection between my FOO and all of THAT! And Once I discovered NC, my life IMPROVED greatly! I cant even compare or adequately articulate my before and after of my emotional life once I employed LC and NC! Ha! No comparision.

So, Fast forward: I sent my mom a text saying thanks for the birthday card.  I texted cuz when I call I never know if I will get Jekyll or Hyde on the phone or if she will even pick up her phone.  I was recently involved in a car accident where someone ran into my car- the care was totaled but miraculously I walked away without any serious injuries.  And Though it goes against reaching out to your FOO for support, I did   mention about the car accident-and said I was ok. She just texted back 'oh my god im so glad to know your ok thank you for informing me that something so major has happened!'

She sent... . a text?

I wrote back about that and she sent all this:

'Why do you keep trying to find fault?  Texted cuz u endind with 'I will talk to you later' I took that to mean u could not tak now, working perhaps.  love u but this is the last time I will explain myself either trust me or not.  Not feeling well have a few minutes to rest thus not starting a phone conversation. will talk later.;

This woman is working my nerves. And I am letting her. Sigh.

Back to NC time... . but I gotta say , I really resent her trying to make me question my 'perceptions'.