At a loss for what to do

[keldubs78]

I haven't been here in a while so I apologize for just coming out of nowhere for advice but I really need some.

I feel like I am living a nightmare.  I am an only child and my mom is BPD.  She and my dad are still married although it's always been a rocky relationship - mom basically controls my dad and drives him crazy with her behavior but he sticks around.  I think it's taken a toll on his health.  He has lived day in and day out with her for almost 40 years.  His nerves must be fried.  Both of them have had health problems over the past 10 years.  My mom has MS and my dad has Parkinson's.  It was bad enough dealing with mom's behavior in the light of my dad's Parkinson's.  Mom was diagnosed about 5 years before him.  Hers is mostly in remission.  She has some cognitive problems (memory, concentration, etc.) but many of the issues she has are mild.  Physically she can walk.  It's not as if she were in a wheelchair.  My dad's parkinson's progressed much faster and he became the one who really needed care-taking.  My mom struggled and acted out with jealousy sometimes - he had the "worse" disease and was getting more attention.  You couldn't ask my dad how he was feeling without my mom jumping down your throat about how SHE is sick too.  Everything is a competition with my mom.

Anyway, in January my dad started having trouble swallowing.  We thought it was Parkinson's related but he ended up getting an endoscopy and we found out he has stage 3 esophageal cancer.  I went into survival mode and researched and got him into the best doctors we could find right away.  It took about 3 weeks from diagnosis to treatment starting and there were a lot of additional tests, appointments, etc. we needed to go to.  I stepped in and took care of everything.  My mom was an absolute disaster.  Going on and on about how hard this is for HER, how it should have been HER that got the cancer, how she knows everyone wishes it was HER that got it, etc.  As difficult as all of this is to endure anyway, my mom's BPD is out of control.  I am adamant that my dad's environment be POSITIVE and uplifting.  I think his mental health it extremely important.  I have had several talks with her and we've gotten into screaming fights about her negativity and behavior in the past few weeks.  Nothing works.  To add to an already stressful situation, my aunt (dad's sister) is unmarried and lives in Florida.  She has been coming up to help with my dad's care and to spend time with him.  My mom is insanely jealous of her.  She believes my aunt is trying to take my dad away from her and that she wants my mom out of the picture so she can be his caretaker.  I need my aunt's help because my mom is such a mess and I can't be there all the time (I have 2 young kids and a husband who need me too) but my mom acts like a total passive-agressive child when my aunt is around.  She stayed with them for 2 weeks when his chemo started and it was a disaster.  She tries to bait my aunt into arguments and makes snide remarks all while my aunt just wants to spend time with her brother while he's sick and help all of us get through this.  She's gone back to Florida now but is planning to come back in a few weeks. 

I just feel like I'm at the end of my rope.  I want to get my dad and get him the hell out of there.  I know he's unhappy.  He and I have openly talked about everything but he's too sick and weak to leave her.  I don't think he could take the stress of a divorce on top of the rest of this.  I'm contemplating telling him he just needs to do it.  She's never going to change or get any better and now that he's fighting for his life, I want him to have the best possible chance of beating this cancer.  I think the stress of his living situation is going to contribute to his illness.  My mom will absolutely lose her mind if he leaves her now but I don't know what else to do. 

I need suggestions if you have them.  Thank you.

Kelley

[keldubs78]

One other thing to add.  I've been in therapy for years and had finally come to terms with my own way of interacting with my mom - relatively LC, not talking much on the phone, really only seeing her when others were present, etc.  Now that all of this is going on with my dad, my parents are staying near us (they live full time in Indianapolis but he is being treated in Chicago where we live so they are staying up here - NOT in our house though).  So, we have been forced to spend a lot more time together over the past 6 weeks.  It's really messing with the progress I had made to seperate her dysfunction from my own life but now it's right in my face all the time.  It's so difficult to not let it affect me.  I'm very close to my dad so just cutting them out completely is not an option.  I would not be able to do that especially under the circumstances of his cancer.  I just feel so stuck.

[strangerinparadise]

Wow, after reading your post I feel like we have a lot in common! My uBPD Mom is a pain to my enabling father. I love my Dad with all my heart but have been too hurt by my mother's mental illness/PD to expect a healthy relationship, if any with her.

Cancer or other serious issues that arise in life seem to really bring out the worst in BPDs. I'm sure it's their fear of abandonment talking (though please don't think I'm ever trying to excuse their behavior). My Mother was the same way when my Grandmother was diagnosed with cancer. She blamed my Grandma for "getting" cancer, like she'd done it to punish her daughter. I had to pick up a lot of the pieces for my Grandma. Not a fun Christmas. Anyway, enough rambling!

Would he be willing to try a trial separation? I think you're 100% right about his recovery. He needs to stay positive not act as someone else's keeper. Or a nurse or a friend that might help you run interference for him and you at choice times? A buddy system can help out.

I'm worried about you, too. You say that being so near to this person is messing with your growth and healing. I'm really glad that your eyes are open to this fact. Is there a chance you know of a mental health toll free help line? That has helped me when I felt myself slipping. Caring for your father takes a huge chunk of time and energy but I hope you have a time where you can vent to a friend or maybe just take a few minutes to close your eyes and just breath?

I hope that things go well for you and for you father. I hope he beats his cancer.

[keldubs78]

Thanks for your kind reply.  I'm not sure if he would consider any type of separation at this point.  I've told him he could come live with us if he needed too although my house with 2 young kids probably isn't the most relaxing place for him to be while going through treatment either.  I called a social worker at the hospital where he's being treated and talked a little about it to her.  She offered some suggestions of how to help the situation.  I'm taking him to chemo next week just by myself so we will have some time to discuss it all without her around.