I really need some advice on this...

[sarahsparkles]

I have been NC for over two years with my uBPDmom and dad (who live half a mile away). In that time I have gotten therapy, worked on my marriage, my relationships with my kids and my self esteem. I have had my fourth baby and all in all NC has been a wonderful thing. I have not spoken one word to her. Nor has she even seen the baby.

Mother has and is trying to contact me. In the past two years of NC she has sent (nasty) emails, a letter to me, numerous cards and gifts on my porch (doorbell ditch) to the kids for their birthdays and holidays, stopped by my house to "chat"- (which I drove away and didn't say anything to her) and is now calling requesting to talk to me. Not saying "sorry" or "I love you"- its a: "this is your MOTHER! I've had it with your stunt".

I am not sure what to do. I wrote her a letter, requesting her to get "help" and clean from drinking and drugs (before I went full NC) and then maybe after she got clean, we both can talk. She hasn't done anything I have requested. AND in fact... . she's accosted my friends' children about information about my kids and their cell phone numbers (they are too scared of her to press any charges or call the cops), she's come by their schools, and had a run in with my daughters principal ( I am currently in the process of getting a restraining order) and now she's had my sisters chose "sides" along with everyone else in the family. She's saying that my husband is a horrible man and I am crazy.

The advice I need: Should I talk to her? Should I tell her there is no bridges to be mended and fixed and we are never going to have a relationship EVER again- or should I stay NC? Should I tell her that I was considering talking to her then she scares the kids or leaves a horrible answering machine message- that reminds me why I don't have a relationship with her? I know it does no good to talk to a BPD- but I'm feeling like I need closure. Nothing more than to say goodbye and here is why... .

And I know it's killing her to not have met or ever have seen her 9 month old grandbaby. Or have her grandkids around, for show, to her "friends".

Should I talk? Or am I just kicking the tar baby?  

[Up In the Air]

Hi sarahsparkles! I am so sorry this is happening to you! 

I think if I were you, I'd continue with the restraining order so as to keep your family safe - has she been violent in the past? It might hit home to her how serious you are if she shows up and you call the cops and she gets in trouble.

I think that letters seem to quickly flit out of a BPD's mind. They create a new version of what we say and what the situation 'really' is and form their behavior around that. Obviously, she's feeling abandoned and rejected. Going NC only reinforces that, even though it's unintentional. Your letter, as I took it, was also meant to cushion that blow - to explain why.

I can see why you're questioning whether you should write a letter or leave it alone. Recently, my uBPD MIL forced in some interaction via email and nothing had changed in her behavior. After seeing that nothing had changed, both my DH and I chose to go back to NC. It wasn't even worth the emotions it all brought up. So my vote is for leaving it and seeing how things might go with the restraining order.

If you really feel like you need to reinforce what your earlier letter said and let her know your stance hasn't changed (and that her current behaviors are only proving that you're right), then do it! Maybe it's something you need to get off your chest, but I would consider letting her know that you will not tolerate any more forms of harassment/abuse so if she chooses to respond via a letter, that will be the only communication that you will allow, so as to not confuse her or make her feel she has permission to then come to your home to 'talk it out'.

Personally, I'm always feeling like I need closure, but I've learned that part of the NC journey for me is to live without closure and it's hard to get comfortable with that.

[Starrynite]

Hi sarahsparkles!

Sorry to hear what's happening with your Mom. I have a sister who is dBPD, and just because she is diagnosed doesn't mean its easier... . anyway I digress.

My thoughts are, and I apologize if they seem harsh, if you need to write your Mom do it for closure for yourself. She hasn't respected any of your requests or needs in the past so why would she do it now?

One of the 'rules' of talking to Borderlines is to validate and set your boundaries. Your note could be something like 'I understand your need to see us as its been sometime (validation). We no longer desire contact as the behavior exhibited towards us has been disrespectful and hurtful' (setting your boundary). You can get into more detail than just disrespectful and hurtful, but there's an examle. I'm still pretty new at this but its pretty much what I said to my sister when I decided to go NC... . three weeks later I got an apology-lip service really cause the 'craziness' still keeps happening.

Hope my little tidbit helps somewhat.

You've come to the right place for advice. I've found this board to be amazingly helpful.There is nothing easy about dealing with loved ones who have BPD. Good luck to you and keep staying strong. Surround yourself with those who love you and can support you.

[bravhart1]

What is the up shot of having contact with her while she is 1)not sorry 2)still using 3) still pretty crazy ?

You said so yourself you have been doing ok. do you think that will continue if you bring her back into your home?

four kids and you need to deal with crazy too?

I've been there with an ex in law. We went 17 years and were very happy with NC with monster in law. When she came back in, because she wanted it, we were divorced in 18 months.

Who would this make happy? Her? Is she ever really happy?

Protect your own and your home. You are doing ok. I know they make  you feel bad, especially when they do that "poor me" my family won't let me see my grandchildren. But they don't know you had very good reasons for it.

I've taken a ration from "well intentioned friends" about keeping her from grandkids but here is what:

Those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter.