Tough Decision

[Depression = 72% of members]

So currently my mom with uBPD and I are in the 'no talking' phase after a fight. She was upset about some family issues and basically thinks that everyone in the family has wronged her in one way or another. She couldn't understand why I would want to go to a family event in her area. I want to go, but don't want to deal with her drama. Does anybody else have advice on what to do in this type of situation? I'd really appreciate some thoughts.

Thanks,

Lavalove

[lavalove]

So currently my mom with uBPD and I are in the 'no talking' phase after a fight. She was upset about some family issues and basically thinks that everyone in the family has wronged her in one way or another. She couldn't understand why I would want to go to a family event in her area. I want to go, but don't want to deal with her drama. Does anybody else have advice on what to do in this type of situation? I'd really appreciate some thoughts.

Thanks,

Lavalove

[Sitara]

It sounds like you have some choices to make.  Do you want to go enough to deal with her drama or would you rather not go and miss out?  Either way it might be handy to check out a couple of the workshop threads. 

I'd suggest starting with Boundaries. It's helpful to know what is important to you and how to uphold those values. https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries

Then there's an Overview on Communication that goes over the various tools you can use to talk to your mom that might help her hear you better. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69272.0

Sorry to hear that you're going through some troubles and I hope that these are helpful.

[strangerinparadise]

Sitara, thanks for the links!

lavalove, I'm kinda in the same predicament as you. I have started NC with my mother and plan to continue for a year. That way I give myself a chance to grow and, well to sound cliche, blossom. If it's a family event that makes you feel loved and happy (in my case it's a cousin's wedding) then I say go for it! You can always politely shut her down in public, don't ever let her catch you alone or drag you off to be alone, that's when the mind games start. Do you have a wing-man for this? That might help make things easier.

I hope things go alright for you. Will you update us on what you decide and what happens if or if not you decide to go?

[lucyhoneychurch]

She'll never understand that you are not an extension of her. I, on the flip side, would NOT go to family/extended family events because time after time, when I had tried to, she would not only ruin the time I had with these folks, she'd rewrite some really lovely event into this twisted idiotic thing where she was neglected (she wasn't not ever) and in my enmeshed daily phone calls, for weeks, I'd get her rendition. Then it was her telling me how I didn't love extended family the way the other siblings did . Yet they'd get on phone with me and say same thing - Oh god, she's saying things happened when they didn't!   

List the reasons you want to go.

List the reasons you are worried about going.

Just take a little time and know you will pay a price probably one way or another. Is the event worth what you might pay?

Try to look at it like a business deal - just how sour might it turn if she taints it?

Or not? Can you tell yourself most of all that you have the right to go? it's none of her business what you do.

You have to sell yourself on that idea first.     

[lost and found]

Hi lavalove,

Is your mom actually planning on going, or is she just trying to coerce you into not going? You mentioned she was feeling wronged by everybody, maybe she won't be there herself and is just trying to undermine things.

[strangerinparadise]

Hey Lavalove,

I was just wondering if your other family members are giving you flack for not speaking to your mother? I'm dealing with that right now with my grandmother and I was just curious if you knew what I was talking about?

[lavalove]

Strangerinaradise,

Yes it sounds like we are in very similar predicaments. First off, I decided not to go. I weighed the pros and cons and basically just feel like I need to protect myself right now for my own sanity. My mother decided a few days ago that we were 'talking' again, and when I didn't answer the phone right away, she called another family member to convince her why she was right and I was wrong. Then this family member called me to explain that to me and get me to call my mother back (all of this in three hours, because if you don't answer the phone right away then its the end of the world). I know better than to believe her manipulative explanations and even though I did my best to explain the real issues behind all of the insanity, other family member did not get it and, by the end of the conversation, still assumed I was going no matter how many times I said I wasn't! It's hard enough having to make the tough decision, but sticking with it when nobody believes you or understands your reasoning makes it so much harder.

On top of that, I finally called my uBPD mom, said I wasn't going only to hear, 'because of me? I'll be good. I promise.' I've heard that before... .

Sorry you're dealing with it from your grandmother, stay strong and true to yourself! That's what I'm trying to do.