dealing with hatred

[rebl.brown]

Hi friends

haven't posted or read in a while.  I'm doing ok but dealing with a lot of feelings of deep hatred for my parents (BPD mother, np father).  The jist is I've been NC with the "mother" for 10 years and somehow she got my cell # and did 20 robo calls last weekend.  I didn't recognize the # and thank god didn't answer.  Found out it was her after listening to the message she left.  It took me a little bit to figure out how to block the number and she left a ton of toxic weird things as messages.  I only listened to the last one before deleting them all.  I am sure she convinced a relative to give her the number.  (she's in a mental institution a state away)  I've decided to go buy a new phone and number tomorrow so I don't have to worry about that problem any more.  I don't see extended relatives anymore and don't care to-ever.  I am filled with such rage towards her.  I have to struggle every day, go to therapy, take medications, God, I just hate her so so so much. Then out of the blue after so much time, there she is again, trying to swallow me up.

I know I am in the driver's seat, I don't have to live in that hell anymore, it is so hard not to resent all the sorrow she created.  My Dad is just as bad, functions higher and we speak on the phone once in a while.  I'd love to go NC with him but can't seem to get the balls to do it. (they're divorced).  Two people who have caused so much difficulty, I hate them.

I don't expect any answers just wanted to blow off steam.  I've got to figure out what to do with this hatred.  The hardest part is I can forgive and forgive in order to release myself and then they continue to abuse and I find myself starting over yet again.  Sigh, thanks for listening.

[strangerinparadise]

It's a disgusting cycle with them, isn't it? Why can't they buy a freaking clue? Those who are too sick to help themselves throw it upon others. What's worse is your extended family is too confused/enmeshed to see the problem. Wow, I'm thinking of a Neko Case song now. Indulge me? "The most tender place in my heart is for strangers. I know it's unkind but my own blood is much too dangerous."

I'm glad you have a place to rant, it's understandable how much that is needed sometimes. Also, 10 years NC? That is awesome!

[lucyhoneychurch]

Your words just cut to my core - me, too, 10 year NC... . as of last year... . then she's dying a year ago/13 months ago and STARTS CALLING again. Up to three weeks before her death that I only learned about via Facebook (my sweet middle child called and pretty much apologized that I was finding out in that way), she was ringing this number.

Your hatred? and you say you get to a stage of forgiveness, and then it starts up and you fall back into being so hurt and furious - I was right there with you every time I'd see that damned number on my caller ID.

I knew that if I picked up, she would unleash the MOTHER of all rages at me - she'd been taken out of her hoarder roach-infested home by the FOO because of recurring hospitalizations I gather, that house was being sold, all of her "things" those items that stood between her and other human beings for so long, were out of her reach. If I hadn't been so abused by her, I would've felt sorry for anyone ripped from their "comfort zone." Ah but here she was invading mine over and over - my comfort zone, where there are no roaches (only the mental ones) and I can walk in my home that LOOKS like a home because you can see clean surfaces and colors and art and pottery and my windows are bare to see the gardens - and people can drop in anytime they want without being made to feel like they are intruders into my little secret weird existence... .

Another elderly dying person would've gotten all the time in the world from me. This one stole too much of mine in 50 years of my existence.

Hatred? It was so cold and so deep... . that number would trigger this smooth, calm, profound burn... .

She died a year ago.

The minute I heard she was gone, literally teh minute my child called to tell me, so much of that feeling evaporated... . it was like the wind changing on a sultry sticky awful blazing hot summer day and suddenly the temp drops 20 degrees and you go outside and just drink it in.

Relief.

You will find relief from your hatred, but you can't wait until she actually passes out of this world.

I hope you can do so many things to get it out of your system - I have read about punching pillows, screaming into pillows, do some remodelling job that will take every ounce of your pent-up hurt and pain and turn it into something cool and new - I've done that only because my old place needed it too ... .

Never feel guilt about the hate.

I haven't. It is only an organism's natural reaction to despise what threatens its existence.

I am only here through finally cutting this person off in entirety.

Who has to do this? We do, the children of mentally ill abusers.

I'm sending you a big hug to help dissipate the pain... . strangers are sometimes our allies in this type of nightmare. 

You know you will work through this new sensation of being consumed by her actions and by your own responses to it.

It will be okay. Rest on that fact, that you will be okay again with a new phone and your identity protected once again.

Until that time... . keep venting and posting and spitting it out.

Toxic histories and new abuse have to be purged.

[rebl.brown]

Wow, what wonderful and encouraging replies.  Thank you so much.  I'm so used to people looking confused and either saying something that damages me more or they don't know what to say, you guys are so great.  Thank you so very much.  I was thinking it when I wrote it but was afraid to say it, I can't wait until they are dead.  I can not wait.  I never have to be denigrated again, I never have to worry about what they might be up to it will finally be over.  I laugh and think the good die young and the SOBs live forever.  I know I must not wait to take back my power until they are dead, I can have that now.  But it will be a relief.

The relatives? Sometimes they are worse than the abusers.  The manipulators talk them into things to do their bidding or they sit and listen to the rants and shake their heads at what a shi**ty daughter I am etc.  I know what's going on now but you know it still hurts.  How can any one with any sense fall for it. Can't they look at her light and add 2+2?  I guess its understandable in that I was not able to escape the vortex either for so many years.  I think it is the grip of evil, I really do, its like a spell that she casts.  I have one brother who has the very onerous task of taking care of her estate and making sure she's not homeless.  He hates her guts too.  He tells me stay away from her.  I told him once "I don't want to go to her funeral"  he said, "I'm sure as hell not going"  I laughed and we both said I'm not if you're not.  Poor guy, I just can't deal with being within 100 yards of her.  If I was all she had, she'd be homeless, I've give her to the state in a minute.

We have a 75 year ole lady at our church who was a nervous wreck one day and I was talking to her.  She said her mother was on a rant and every time she had to see her it took a week to get over it.  I said "your mother!  How old is she?"  My friend replied "98"! WOW, I thought What the heck no way, I will not be doing this dance to the end of my life.  Creepy huh?

I've not done the dance either, I bowed out.  I want to be better because of the suffering not bitter.  I think I am going to do some activity that lets me get the hatred out I don't know what, something creative and good.  Thanks again for your very wonderful replies

[lost and found]

Hi rebl.brown,

Reading your post I was just blown away. Having to deal with so much pain and anger, inflicted since childhood, it's just unfair. But congratulations to you for all the work you have done and continue to do.

I don't have any answers, but I can share some experiences that helped me. I was very affected by the part of your post where you talked about forgiveness. I also tried to forgive. I kept telling myself it was wrong to be angry, didn't help to be resentful, etc. Isn't that what we are told over and over? Be the bigger person, etc?

I didn't start to get better, really better, until I found a therapist who told me I didn't have to forgive. Totally the opposite of what I had ever heard anywhere else! She told me that  I trap myself when I start to feel sorry for these people who hurt me and seeing things from their point of view - my idea of "forgiving". She walked me through the process of feeling, really feeling, the hurt, rage, and yes, hatred I felt for my family when they hurt me. She showed me how to do this responsibly, in the safety of her office, with support. Only when I started to really feel all of that, did I start to get free of it. She had a lot of experience working with personality disorders, I think that helped a lot!

My parents had the BPD/npd combo going too.

Good for you for all the hard work you've done, 10 years NC, they can't take that away from you.

[lucyhoneychurch]

two thoughts... . unless I get rolling and then I never stick to my list ... .

1 - I remember wishing and wondering what it was going to be like when she passed - I've had health situations that sometimes truly made me so damned sure she would outlive me. She didn't. I told myself, Hold up, don't run with it, give yourself space to either be elated, indifferent or terribly sad and upset. You won't know until it happens.  When I was told, and my daughter who called me and it was one of those calls where I'd just talked to her and her weekends are very much for her and her hubby and baby girl - I figured there was something important just not THAT. And she said it, "Your mom died about 11 this morning." And it was a gorgeous gorgeous March day last year, sunny, blue sky, bluebirds doing their spring thing, and it was so none of the above. It registered. It did, it really did. I honestly hoped her physical person hadn't suffered, had no idea, neither did my daughter, what she died from... . and then I said, "That's that." Like when the sun sinks right at the horizon and the colors seep away.

That type of feeling. Very peaceful.

Your brother sounds like a real good soul - to do what he must but at the same time validate you having your space. 

2 - Uh 2... . gotta scroll down to your post  and see what 2 was going to be about... . oh YES the relatives and extended family and "do-gooders." She's not snowing them. She's not putting a spell on them (this is all my opinion but had to say so because even at my age I don't know what I'm talking about ). They are taking the *easy* way out. I knew that my relatives didn't like being in her presence, almost as little as I did. They never visited of their own accord, or sought her out, or even really talked TO her when they saw her and the enmeshed father. They tolerated her.

They have the self-preserving good sense to know to just nod and say yeah uh huh right isn't that a shame even as they throw you under the bus doing so.

They are caving to the bully.

I think it's a slimy thing to do.

You say that you did the same thing - well, but you were living with her night and day. These people have another life besides one with her in it. You and I and our siblings caved because that wasn't just self-preservation, it was the only way to survive and not get even worse.

Our world, entirely and wholely, was consumed day and night with her abuse.

The house we grew up in sold around Xmas this year. I wonder if those walls recorded the sobs and muttered little woeful prayers of the four of us kids? The backyard was where I'd go if I could get away from her and put acorns in buckets or swing really high and then jump out or brush the dog practically hairless because he was the only critter in that place who was good to me.

Those textures and shadows feed the hatred. Let someone walk in our shoes for a day, just a day, both as the adults we became and those tiny little kids we used to be, and see what they have to say about it all.

If anything, we came through the fire. We are so so much stronger than we know.

So yes, when someone gives some pithy crappy answer about you admitting you still feel this rage and hatred, and they negate your feelings and chastise and shame/blame you - I have really choice words for them that I think are against the guidelines here.   

They. Know.  Nothing.

Yes, get a job that needs some sweat and elbow grease and some furious muttering at plumbing or walls or flowerbeds or unsorted closets - put the hatred to work.