Not huge, just annoying, but still...

[lost and found]

I'm starting to notice a lot of little things in my life and relationships. I've probably let a lot of things slide.

There is a woman at work who has rubbed me the wrong way, and I didn't know why. I couldn't point to anything specific, and I don't get a bad vibe off of most people. I figured it was my problem.

We teach skiing to little kids. So last night at work, we are each working 1:1 with a child, and she starts to walk her student directly into my student, right into where we are standing. "Oops, traffic jam," I said. "No there's not," she said, as the kids now stand immobile because they've got their skis crossed up over each others and now neither of them can move. I just looked at her blankly, thinking "What the heck". It later occurred to me that she does this to me a lot - saying little things that totally negate what I just said, or (while training me) not answering the question I had asked, but giving an answer to a totally different (more obvious) question and acting like I was kind of dumb to have asked that. But ignoring what I actually did say.

So I had an "Aha" moment last night, that of course I'm not comfortable with this person, she's disrespectful. But it took me a long time to catch it, and I'm guessing that she doesn't run this kind of crap on everybody. I grew up having to ignore disrespect just to get through the day. Dang, it takes a long time to unlearn the crap we learned in childhood.

[lucyhoneychurch]

Disrespect... . exactly.

Patronizing disrespect.

Outright in your face disrespect.

For so so many years, I'd hear it, feel the semi nauseous rolling belly response, tell myself to get over it, and this was just with neighbors or acquaintances. Then I cut myself a little slack and realized ALOT A-L-O-T of people out there are dishing out this sort of garbage.

When I let myself off the hook for being "too sensitive" (the default accusation anytime I tried to stand up to abusive uBPD'd mother),  and remind myself I wasn't being unreasonable or irrational when they pi**ed me off... . I started saying assertive things.

Assertive, not aggressive. I always feared coming across as a nutcase freak banshee.

I'm not sure what the right answer to your fellow ski instructor's ridiculous negation might've been, but at least it served as your flag that it's not you. Maybe sometimes, but not always.

Maybe never .

No, they never run that scam on those who have something they want. Approval maybe, or it's a supervisor they are sucking up to... . they know what they're doing.

She sounds like a real barrel of laughs. 

[lost and found]

Too sensitive, exactly! That's what they always say! And afraid to speak up because you don't want to sound nuts! Is that because our mothers so often sounded nuts themselves, or because they tried to convince us it was our problem when we didn't like being abused? Maybe a little of both. Congrats on the getting assertive. I'm getting there. It's just funny to me, how often I'll be having an off day, and when I stop to think I realize that something happened 3 days ago and I'm mad about it. I won't have even realized when it happened that I didn't like it but it will pop into my head days later.

[lucyhoneychurch]

"... . when I stop to think I realize that something happened 3 days ago and I'm mad about it. I won't have even realized when it happened that I didn't like it... "

We were really apt pupils when we were taught to bury any feelings of our own very very deeply to avoid the lash, so to speak. I remember any flicker in my eyes or a sibling's when she was on the loose brought on extraordinary wrath. An adult acting in the most outrageous cruel ways and a kid just naturally flinches or flutters an eye funny - now really, who is the one who needs the "come to jesus" moment the most? 

Me, too, when I have let something sink in for a spell and recall it later - I can go so many ways - ruminate over something I was very upset about and knew at the time it was wrong and hurtful the way I was treated, and can't let it drop... . or... . hardly notice, not really cognizant of how it has struck me, and then a good while later say HEYYYYYY wait a minute!

And yes, mad about it.

I'll admit feeling really stupid that someone pulled another one on me. But really, who would you and I rather be, the one who might fall for something or be on the receiving end sometimes way the hell too often - or the person meting out the abuse? 

I'm going to hazard a guess that it's hard to change our codependent ways... . but probably not as hard as finding a way to curb being an abuser. Because that would take some very serious hard work, and alot of vision and alot of self-awareness.

The only thing I've managed to tell myself when someone's been an ass and I am looking back and seeing it was alot more really than I grasped since I know how to bury my feelings - "Well it didn't kill you did it now?" and it doesn't... . but wow, does it suck!

[rebl.brown]

I think this is huge.  It's huge because the damage BPD parents do takes away our voice, our very person hood.  Let us know how you end up dealing with the situation.  Trust yourself, your instincts are right on target and you can use what might seem to be a little thing to find your voice and say NO!  Ooo just thinking about how she treated you made me mad.  This is what they do, they do it subtly, in the back door and you've been groomed to take it that's why it takes 3 days for it to register.  I think with practice you catch it quicker.  I recently had a friend that I gave a ride to tell me to call her when I got home so she wouldn't worry. (The situation did not warrant this)  Seems like a small thing but my BPD mother used to use that one on me a lot and it happened to strike a trigger.  I mumbled that I would and then did it!  Two days later I was steaming and damn if the friend didn't do it again the next time!  I couldn't wait to say "no, I won't call you, that's inappropriate and if you worry that's your choice."  Gosh, it felt so so so so good to say it.  Yummy