Mother of a 20 yr old son with BPD - HELP

[Heidicoats]

Where do I start? Let me make a very long story short because I just don't have anymore energy to even think. My son is sucking the life out of me and the rest of my family. We have been going through his suffering and symptoms for the past 5 years! Actually I knew something wasn't right when he was young but it all really started becoming clear about 14. Nothing I have done has helped my son. We had to kick him out at 18 due to his behavior, but have let him come back at least 4 or more times since then,  hoping that things would be different. It's gotten to the point where we have set him up in renting rooms, gave him money, paid for his counseling, and still he keeps spiraling. He's been in 51/50 3 times and used to be a cutter. He hasn't done that in while. When he doesn't get his way or things go bad for him (because of his own actions or behavior) he can't deal and threatens suicide. He can't hold a job and shows no real interest in finding one. He currently has no where to live and wants to come back home. I have a 10 year old son and  a 17,yr old daughter who have been exposed to this for far too long. I have tried to set boundaries but he always manages to make me feel guilt and worry that I continue to help him one way or another. I am worried that he may really take his own life in an impulsive act while be emotional and not thinking about consequences. I have tried to convince him to get help but he won't do it. He wants me to fix him, he wants me to save him, "I'm the problem". He won't help himself and I don't know what I am supposed to do as a mother. I don't want to give up on him, but I also don't want to lose my husband and hurt my other two kids. Please help!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Heidicoats]

Can anyone give me some insight to my struggle with my son! I would be so grateful to any of you that could help me. Thank you

[Kate4queen]

Hey Heidi, so sorry to hear what you are going through.

I have a 23 yr old son with BPD and narcism and three other kids.

In the end what helped me deal with my son was getting counseling for myself and being told repeatedly that a) I had to save myself and not get caught up in the FOG -Fear, Obligation and Guilt that my son's threats to walk out or kill himself when he didn't get his own way. I had to learn I couldn't change him but that I had to save those who were in most need first-my marriage, my husband and then my other kids who were becoming seriously traumatized by my son's actions.

Once I got that into my head I also realized that I had to stop letting my son drag me into his world of rage and emotions and threats because if I jumped in there with him? Who would be there to save him one day if he finally worked out he needed help? No one.

So I put up clear boundaries for myself-really basic things like him not screaming and shouting in my house and treating us with respect. It took a long while-and he got worse when we changed the game on him. I learned to use the SET techniques on him and not get involved in rows, arguments or his distorted thinking. It wasn't easy. I thought my heart would rip in two but I did it because I realized I couldn't save him and that by enabling him and giving him everything out of fear I was just making him worse.

Baby steps. Get help for yourself. Start establishing boundaries and stick to them. Let him fail, let him walk away. It's the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life because I'm his mother. right? But you know what? It's almost 3 years since he stormed out in a rage and he's got a job, he's off his addiction to pain meds, he's functioning. He did all that because we were no longer prepared to do it for him. But he did it.

You can't save your son, that's the truth. What you can do is let him deal with his own issues and stop blaming everyone else and expecting them to jump.

FOG and SET are explained in more detail on the side bar on the right.

It's hard but its worth it to get your life back-especially for your other kids.

[Heidicoats]

Thank you for your reply and sharing your experiences. I actually was doing really well with the boundaries and wouldn't let him come back to the house after his last eruption a few months ago. He was staying with a friend and the friends father in a trailer. I wasn't talking to him for a few weeks or so and then he reached out when he met a girl. He wanted us to meet her and I guess show us that he had someone and was doing good. Unfortunately that was all temporary like everything in his life. The girlfriend didn't last because he doesn't know how to have interpersonal relationships, and just last week he was asked to leave where he was staying because there was no longer room for him. He literally had nowhere to go again, and this time something reverted back inside me to help him. I told him he couldn't live with us and that is a clear boundary and rule, but I helped him with money to go to San Francsico to see one of his good friends for a few weeks. His friend is in College and doing well. He's been in my sons life since they were 14 and has seen all the craziness my son can bring about. The plan is for my son to look for a job while he's there and plant some roots. I am scared because there is no gray area for my son, right! Typical Borderline behavior. If I'm getting along with my son and helping him at all, he pushes it and expects more and more and before I know it, I've gone against my own boundaries I set. So it goes back to some crazy drama and then we are back to not talking to him again. My concern is that I want to have relationship with my son, and I want him to know I'm there for him, but it's so difficult. He also has been feeling really down about his life and where he's at today due to his choices and behavior. Nobody in the family has a relationship with him and barely has any friendships left, and I do fear that if I turn my back again he may actually go through with suicide. Just the fact that is a real possibility scares me and makes me sick. He's impulsive and when he's caught up in his "feelings" and emotions,he is very irrational, not thinking about consequences. I am going to seek counseling "again", for myself. But this time I am going to find someone who specializes in BPD. This is so challenging and the unknown causes me much anxiety and distress. I appreciate you taking time to read my story and respond. 

[mimi99]

"Once I got that into my head I also realized that I had to stop letting my son drag me into his world of rage and emotions and threats because if I jumped in there with him? Who would be there to save him one day if he finally worked out he needed help? No one"

Wow--Kate4queen--powerful words. I have never thought about it quite like this. Thanks for putting it so simply.

Heidicoats--I'm so sorry for what you are going thru--I have lived it as well. My daughter is 24 and is a textbook BP. When things came to a head we had to tell her to leave and it was very difficult. I cried for weeks. I am very sad that she is so off the hook right now that she did not even attend her own sister's wedding and will miss her grandfather's funeral tomorrow. I finally got some counseling for myself (My company EAP gave me some free sessions) and found this website. Using some of the tools and getting feedback from this community has helped me tremendously. I still worry about what will happen when the current "love of her life" doesn't work out and she has to turn to us for help, but I am not sacrificing my peace and sanity thinking about it at this time.

Sending best wishes and prayers to you