Adult child with BPD symptoms is married, lives in another state, asks for $$

[Mactavish]

My adult child is very difficult to deal with because he doesn't seem to think that he has anything wrong with him except anxiety. I think he probably has BPD even though a psychologist my husband and I went to (for marriage counseling   problems due to our son)  said he has antisocial personality disorder. He is a 28 year old married man. When he lived at home he stole  jewelry, money, etc. from us. Even though I found out where he pawned my jewelry, I didn't file a police report, so he faced no consequences. When my husband gave him a $2,000 check he changed the check to $12,000 and again we didn't want to file criminal charges. He left his wife for another woman, but ended up going back with his wife. My husband has been giving him money on a monthly basis as he cannot seem to hold down a job for extended periods of time. He is a college graduate - which we paid for. He either lost his job or quit - and he is now looking for more money. My husband gave him $1,500 last month. My husband is having a nervous breakdown due to the stress. He is taking Ativan and Prozac to help with his stress. Our son is now texting and calling me telling me that he is going to be homeless if we don't send him money. My therapist said not to send him money because this cycle will never end. I finally blocked my son's calls because I don't  know how to deal with the situation. I'm afraid to see him homeless, but I cannot continue to live feeling as though I am being blackmailed. My husband was laid off 4 years ago and had to take early retirement. I only work 2 days a week due to cut backs, and we have to pay $1,508 for my health insurance every month, so constantly sending our son money is ridiculous. I will appreciate any suggestions. Thank you, Mactavish

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi Mactavish

Sorry to hear that you and your husband are under such stress and that your husband feels responsible for your son financially.

I agree with the therapist... .the past actions have shown that the cycle will continue until someone gets off the ride.  Protecting our kids from the natural consequences of their choices keeps them from learning, maturing, and changing.  It's a tough place to be in as a parent though! 

Learning to say "no" confidently and without guilt is a learning process.  Making a validating statement like "son, you are intelligent and talented and I have all the confidence that you will figure out how to take care of your responsibilities.  I apologize for not realizing your capabilities in the past and overstepping my bounds by taking care of them for you then."

It will be a bold step to take for you and your husband.  It seems necessary for everyone's well being.  Going "no contact" to avoid dealing with it must be hard on you both too. 

lbj

[Luvsinging]

Your situation is very difficult but not uncommon. Saying no to our kids - especially when they lay a guilt trip on us - is hard. You might benefit from a Codependents Anonymous meeting - or from the book, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. I found both very helpful.

[thefixermom]

I feel tremendously for you.  I only recently arrived solidly at a place of "no more" with my DD38, who now lives across the country, is suffering from some extremely painful health issues, is deep in debt, may lose her job and is feeling desperate. It's a long story of giving and fighting and money disappearing down a black hole and me still being raged at soon after every rescue.  This last time she moved out, I lovingly detached. Meaning, in my heart I love her, and I'm always here for listening (if she is reasonable) but I'm no longer responsible or guilty for her choices.  I have "radically accepted" as they say, that the worst can happen to her.  But I have to let her go so that she can have an opportunity to dig deep within herself and put her life together in an authentic manner.  It may mean that she will never have anything to do with me again. It may mean that she'll die even.  I hope and pray with all my might that isn't the case but it's the only chance she has, is how I see it, to make her life a good one, authentically, from the inside out.  I won't save her from herself any more. It was killing me and my marriage.  And not helping her.  I certainly wasn't gaining any respect or appreciation for it either.  Couched between all the tears and anger she always injects: "What a lousy mother you are!"   

[mimi99]

 But I have to let her go so that she can have an opportunity to dig deep within herself and put her life together in an authentic manner.  It may mean that she will never have anything to do with me again. It may mean that she'll die even.  I hope and pray with all my might that isn't the case but it's the only chance she has, is how I see it, to make her life a good one, authentically, from the inside out.  I won't save her from herself any more. It was killing me and my marriage.  And not helping her.  I certainly wasn't gaining any respect or appreciation for it either.  Couched between all the tears and anger she always injects: "What a lousy mother you are!"   [/quote]
Wow, thanks for this. My daughter begs for money, etc and if I don't give it to her she rages about what a horrible mother I am and have always been, but if I do help her she still rages at me. And you're right, it isn't helping her at all. So its a lose/lose situation. At least when I step back I get a little peace in my home. I hadn't really considered that it would help her as well by giving her the opportunity to learn to help herself. I still sometimes get caught up in my (self-imposed) role of trying to "teach" her how to be more independent. Working on that

[Turkish]

That's a lot of money going into a black hole, for a long time. Have you seen signs of a substance addiction in the past. Whatever the case, cutting off the cash flow may force him to face the consequences of whatever's going on with him.

[qcarolr]

That's a lot of money going into a black hole, for a long time. Have you seen signs of a substance addiction in the past. Whatever the case, cutting off the cash flow may force him to face the consequences of whatever's going on with him.

Expect a big explosion (extinction burst) as you change you responses to your son. And being homeless in the US is certainly manageable. Most cities have programs that feed, shelter, counsel, etc. the homeless. With my DD29 she often prefers living in her transient community. The first 20 months in 2009 she could not come home, and was she angry and vengeful. It was just not safe for her to be here. As I learned better ways to connect with her, and became more consistent with my family-protective boundaries, things have gotten better in our relationship.

What kind of support do you have in your life? Therapist/couselor, group, understanding friends, faith community... .  Building this network for myself was the only way to be accountable for my part in keeping DD from the consequences of her choices.

It is OK to block you son's calls -- let him know you will be treated with respect or you will do this. Over time it has worked with my DD -- and I still have to do this at times.

The heartache is real. My DD's feelings, beliefs and attitudes are her reality. Over time I have learned to let go and allow her to be an adult.

Please come back and let us know how things are going. We care and understand.

qcr