Why do I keep holding out hope for a reasonable response?

[mimi99]

I recently obtained custody of my GD5. I applied to the county for what is called "kinship care" benefits. The way they see it, it is better for them to help us keep our GD out of foster care, so they will help us a bit financially, etc. One of the requirements is that they will pursue child support from the absent parents. I thought my BPDD24 would feel blindsided when receiving paperwork relating to this, so I sent her a brief text. I told her that it was not me actively pursuing child support, but was a requirement for her daughter to receive certain benefits. I even suggested that she could go to court and ask that the amount be reduced with no objection from me. Well... .let's just say it didn't go over well. She began raging at me that I continually try to ruin her, that I chose custody and I should just deal with it, that she would be sitting in jail "at the hands of my own mother", etc etc. So frustrating. I know that if I had not warned her she would have freaked out as well.  I keep thinking that if I just say something in the "right" way, it will be received better. Intellectually, I know this is false, but I keep trying. I normally don't reach out to her, because LC works well for me at this time. Infuriatingly, she texted me the next day asking a question as if she had never said "I'm done communicating with you... .I have no involvement with you" One would think that she would want to contribute to her daughter's expenses. I love my daughter, but I don't like her at all. When I do see her for supervised visitation with the GD she says "I love you" and I can hardly bring myself to say it back. It can't be accepted as sincere when it is surrounded by raging hatred 30 minutes before and after. Love is an action word, and it feels hollow when she says it. Even though she no longer lives here I feel dominated by her disease at times. Thanks for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[thefixermom]

I can sure understand your unease at breaking the news to your DD.  I would have chosen the same as you... .to give her a head's up in advance of the paperwork. And I would have anticipated a similar response.  Sometimes there is no "right" way to say things and we just have to honor our best choice and remain calm in the storm. The frustration, I think, occurs when we have expectations which are not met or we take their reaction personally. It's sad, I know, but it is out of our control.  I know when my DD says, "I'm done with you! I have no mother!" that she really means it in the moment, and I know that I will hear from her again when she either has a need of some kind, even if just to talk. Sometimes she contacts me with attitude and other times it's as if all is well between us.  She tells me she loves me maybe once a year if I'm very lucky, sometimes she goes years without saying it. I hope you can come to enjoy the words again.  Something I learned with my horses is to make the right things easy and the wrong things difficult, when training. It requires me to live in the moment and carry no grudge whatsoever for "bad" behavior and to be ready in an instant to reward the good behavior. That's a little how I feel with my DD.  I don't make her "wrong things" difficult but I don't play into them with any sort of reward... .in that I don't react, I don't give it meaning, when she rages at me. I have boundaries as needed, enforced with love and I respond with sincere warmth and reception when she shows me affection or loving words, which again, is extremely rare.   Love is demonstrated by action but it is also in the heart and sometimes all one can do is muster the words, without having the action to back it up, when we are suffering with a disorder. 

[Thursday]

mimi-

You followed what your heart was telling you was best for your DD and would have done this, I imagine, even if you knew your DD was going to freak, because you are kind... .

In dealing with my BPDSD24 I've learned over the years that kindness is one of my values and I don't want to put it to the side. Fixermom is right- sometimes there really just isn't some sort of magical way to say things. FM said something in her post that always helped when I could remember... .

The frustration... .occurs when we have expectations

So I think it can be best to lead with our kind hearts but to have low expectations for how our kindness will be received. It's a bit like choosing to help an injured dog-you do so even if you are sure you are going to get bit, right?

My SD used to throw out "I Love You" even when she was in her worst behaviors. Since I am the step-mom and at one point NEW to the situation this was super hard for me to reconcile. I wanted her to know I loved her but I didn't want to toss it back at her in the same way she tossed it out at me. Soon after I came into the family I had a talk with her about it in a calmer moment. I told her that those words were very important to me and I never wanted to say them when I was angry or upset. I explained that it was hard for me NOT to say I Love You back to someone who said it to me and that I felt like I wasn't being true to myself when I found myself saying it back to her even if we had just had an ugly moment. I asked her if it would be OK with her to save the words for when I was really feeling loving towards her and asked her if she could please remember that I always love her... .

and even though she didn't seem to understand a few hours later she came back and told me she had thought about what I said and she gave me the permission I had asked for. 

Boundaries! (I has them!) 

Thursday

[qcarolr]

It is so darn hard to figure out how to love our troubled kids. It has taken a lot of courage to find ways to FEEL the honest love I have for my DD29 -- and this love is real or I would not be posting here learning new ways to understand her. Then to find ways to share this with her knowing that it has to be unconditional -- no conditions about my receiving love in the moment back from her. The unconditional part applies to ME, not to her. When I am honestly able to move myself into this place I can find peace and rest no matter what is going on in DD's life at that moment.

I can honestly tell her that I love her always and forever no matter what, and that whatever boundary we are struggling with in the moment still is real and will be enforced. She already knows the reasons for the rules, do I need to share them again?

We go through this piece almost every time we are in contact. She is rare to say the words "I love you mom". She does show her appreciation and gratitude when I am able to be there for her in some way. She does make a good effort to respect the few basic rules in place, and knows they will be enforced - even if it means she will be in jail again! We had this very conversation today about last June's fight in our home when both she and bf spent a week in jail with 18 months probation. We were getting ready to travel to her probation meeting!

Today, I did try to 'justify' the rules about no friends here which only increased the volume. Then I stopped myself and asked if she needed to here the reasons again. Our disagreement stopped there this time.

Give yourself the space to practice and practice new skills. It takes time, a lot of time, and perseverance, and taking care of self along the way.

Mimi, my dh and I have custody of our gd10 since she was a baby. We chose to pursue it outside of social services -- they saw she was getting our care and closed the case against DD who was 20 at that time. DD refused to sign papers for gd's caregivers while dh and I ran his business and threatened to leave with gd and never return. I could not tolerate this neglect to gd and threats to us, so we went through a very messy bit with this. It is still an issue DD brings up when not getting her way about something "you stole gd from me!"

We get some support from kinship services, and they have tracked down the daddy this year for child support (he will never have any resources to pay) and DD is deemed disabiled and exempted from child support. We are now seeking to adopt gd so we can get needed financial benefits from our social security benefits as we reach retirement age. DD and the daddy have agreed to do this, and DD signed the consent last week with a notary. It went better than I thought it would.

Hang in there and love that little girl. She is so lucky to have you as her 'grammy/mommy'.  

qcr

[AVR1962]

Mimi99, if I were in your situation I would have done exactly what you did, would want my daughter to have a warning and a suggested way to reduce the child supporting, suggesting you do not went the money and I could see my daughter reacting the same way but she would have taken it to everyone in the family with her own twisted version of how I have messed with her trying to get everyone to side against me and support her as the victim.

I take it from your post that you saved your GD from going into the foster care system, sad your daughter cannot see that, or if she does, sad that she cannot see that you are trying to help the situation and not hurt it.

Does your daughter have family member or friends that are also seeing you a harmful instead of helping? When BPs set this up it gets even more difficult as there becomes so much siding and bitterness but they have to have that support no matter how wrong they have been.

We had something somewhat similar with BPD daughter 34 who has 3 children. She was married to hubby #2 and had been telling me she wasn't happy, that he was abusive... .what the family saw was he was the one taking care of everything including the kids, meals, the house and working a full time job while she sat on the couch and texted friends and screamed at her kids. She would not fix them meals, did not clean the house and the kids were crawling around in utter filth. Family members tried to help and several were saying that CPS needed to intervene and take the children away. I thought daughter might be depressed and I knew she wouldn't listen to me so I made a call to CPS and asked them if there was anyway they could check in on the kids, told them what I was being told and asked them if there was any means to help my daughter, I thought she might be depressed. I was concerned, didn't know how to help, family was talking about an intervention and I did not think it was in anyone's best interest to take daughter's children from her. Huge explosion! Daughter blamed me for turning her in. Turning her in? I didn't turn her in. It was insane! You see she thinks she is a good mom even though she doesn't cook, doesn't clean the house, doesn't cook and it is a pain to get off the couch for any reason bu to go out to eat. She wants to cuddle with her kids on the couch but then she yells at them to do this, that and the other. If they go to her to ask about something and she doesn't want to be bothered she tells them she is getting angry... .I guess hat's her way of warning them to stay away. If one of the kids asks for something she can't tell them "no" and she makes her husband do all the ugly work as far as parenting. Her social networking and keeping in touch with old classmates 17 years past graduation and showing family thru bragging texts of what a good mom she is consumes her day. She cannot see her own actions as anything less than admirable and I think your daughter has the very same thought process. In her mind I have no doubt that she sees herself as the victim.

I know you want your daughter to know her child and even take her if she can have custody once again as that is the way it should be but I don't know that you can ever expect your daughter to see life from your point of view. Perhaps not trying to soften the blows of these situations is a try, let the system deal with her and then if she explodes you can tell her that there is noting you can do about the system.

I went no contact recently with mine after a situation when she again twisted things out of proportion and went around to family members spreading trash about me. She is cunning, a real manipulator and the damage she reaps is significant.

[mimi99]

Thanks so much for all your kind and helpful replies.

AVR1962--I am fortunate that my DD's father (my ex) recognizes her accusations for what they are, and doesn't fall for "Mom is trying to ruin my life" My daughter's behavior sounds so much like you describe yours! It is always enlightening to read about other's experiences and recognize that so much of this behavior is common across the board with BP's.

Fixermom--expectations are what cause me trouble every time! I appreciate the reminder that struggling with a disordered mind makes even the most basic things difficult for her. I guess I keep thinking I am being helpful when I am not. I will work harder at not reacting to negative things. Texting is good for this, as I can wait and think my response through before sending it.

qcarolr--I also get "you stole gd" and I think she actually believes it. She is so often completely unaware of her own actions and the repercussions of them. I think the best thing that has come out of this is our beautiful gd. She is so loving and happy and has been a gift to us. I do worry at times about retirement and if aging and declining health will be a problem once she is a teenager. Thanks for you words of encouragement.

Thursday--I will hold onto what you said about being kind but having low expectations about how that kindness will be received. You are quite right, I can only do my best and have no control over the outcome.