Distance makes the heart grow fond - how to stop it

[caughtnreleased]

When I was with my BPDex, I was anxious, extremely conflicted (divided between the fact that he was so appealing and yet pragmatically impossible to have a relationship with) and fearful of his instability and the kind of havoc it might wreak on my life.  Since breaking up with him, seeing less of him and not being involved with him, and now NC now for two months, he's become more appealing, and I can't help but think of all the magical things about him, and still fantasizing about getting him to therapy, fixing it all and living happily ever after!  How do I STOP this! Why don't I feel RELIEF that I'm not dating him anymore and that he's moved on to someone else. That would be the normal, rational response.  And sometimes I have little flickers of sanity and do experience relief, but mostly I long for him, whereas when I was with him his instability, craziness, and neediness almost gave me panic attacks.  How do you stop idealizing someone who is absent?

[Findingmysong723]

Try thinking or even making a list of all the things that he did that hurt you. Admitting that you want and deserve to have intimate love which doesn't involve that dysfunction!

The hardest thing for me to accept is also what makes me have to accept reality, is that he will never get better which means nothing will change unless he gets therapy. No matter how many times we got back together he would find a way to sabotage what we have, and I can't take getting hurt again, can you?

[momtara]

read your journal or listen to tapes of the manipulation or rage

[Clearmind]

Distance doesn't make the heart grow fonder it makes the head start revelling in fantasy/magical thoughts.

What are some facts you can list about this relationship?

[caughtnreleased]

Yes you're right. I need to look at the facts. Here are some:

Whenever I was not available (had activities, events, etc.) he wanted me to skip them to spend time with him.

Whenever I was available (I actually skipped activities to be with him), he suddenly had other things to do.

He cut himself when I was not very responsive.

He would tell me frightening things about himself right after sex, or would completely dissociate.

He was most likely sleeping around, and didn't make much of an effort to conceal it.

He lied about drug use, and getting tested for STDs.

He was angry at me for things that were out of my control, although he never openly raged at me.

Pragmatically speaking, these are all disastrous for a relationship and it helps to spell them out and remember them (I guess I need to read them over frequently).  I guess the other part about distance, and them being with someone else is you imagine maybe they've gotten better, because no one would actually put up with this kind of behavior... .  

[Clearmind]

unhooking, the way I unhooked myself was to make lists like this. Often our emotional mind and our rational mind are at odds with one another - natural yet debilitating and we will continue to ruminate and lament if we don't remind ourselves.

Your list is good and I'm sure its not complete.

Unhooking ourselves is understanding the reality of our relationships and the reality of what it would look like in 10 years time. Short term pain for long term gain. Yes it hurts like crazy, however grief passes and we become a lot stronger because of it.

In time, you will begin to see this so clearly you will wonder why you put up with it for as long as you did. You move forward because you begin to build way too much self worth to want to put yourself back there. You make a choice and you choose you because you know you deserve someone who will treat you with respect.

Work on you, build your worth, build your confidence and self assurance and start to look at why you self sacrificed yourself for a toxic relationship.

Healing takes time - you are a newbie - be kind to yourself.

[Billa]

When I was with my BPDex, I was anxious, extremely conflicted (divided between the fact that he was so appealing and yet pragmatically impossible to have a relationship with) and fearful of his instability and the kind of havoc it might wreak on my life.  Since breaking up with him, seeing less of him and not being involved with him, and now NC now for two months, he's become more appealing, and I can't help but think of all the magical things about him, and still fantasizing about getting him to therapy, fixing it all and living happily ever after!  How do I STOP this! Why don't I feel RELIEF that I'm not dating him anymore and that he's moved on to someone else. That would be the normal, rational response.  And sometimes I have little flickers of sanity and do experience relief, but mostly I long for him, whereas when I was with him his instability, craziness, and neediness almost gave me panic attacks.  How do you stop idealizing someone who is absent?

could have writen those words... .

[mango_flower]

I've tried lots of things, but the thing that helped me the most was to imagine my perfect partner... .   When I was a young teen, excited to meet my soulmate one day, how did I imagine that person to be?  Then I realised I'd be compromising if she HAD stayed like I begged her.  I want honesty, loyalty, compassion, fun, kind, intelligent... .

She had some of those qualities, sure. But she lacked honesty and loyalty.  Take HER out of the situation in my mind (as that biases my thoughts) and do I want to be with a disloyal liar? Nope.  Somehow I see it clearer that way... . x