Relapsing after she contacted my friend - help

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I was gradually getting to the stage where I was recovering from my relationship with my BPDexgf. We split 5 months ago and have had very little contact since, other then her meeting me to take back some of her belongings six weeks ago. We are both at university but are moving to different cities next week so we will be 50 miles apart, which will help me to detach no end.

However, the other day she contacted my friend through Facebook in the early hours of the morning, shortly after he uploaded a photo containing myself and him (I'm blocked on her Facebook, however she can still see the photo, just not that I am tagged). The message read something along the lines of "Hey, I know that you have probably heard some horrible things about me in recent months, so I will understand if you do not reply to this. However I am leaving this city really soon and just wanted to wish you all the best for the future. I wanted to say this sooner but didn't know when would be the best time... . Take care of yourself."

Thing is, she and him were only acquaintances who knew one another through myself. They never had a friendship or talked when I was not present. She has absolutely no reason to be contacting him. A few scenarios have been thrown about by people I have spoken to about the matter, namely:

- She genuinely wanted to wish him well before she left (but why so late? They haven't spoken at all in over 6 months. So why contact him now?).

- She was trying to hit on him (but she never found him attractive, and again, she is leaving soon, so why try now?).

- She is trying to get to me through him, using him to fish for information about me (but we haven't talked in weeks and we have both been moving on without each other. If this was the case then not just contact me directly? Why get my friend involved?).

- She wants me to talk to me, but doesn't want to contact me herself - she wants me to contact her... . (but I have began to move on from the relationship we had, and have stopped attempting to contact her as it never makes any difference. I sent a letter to her 6 weeks ago explaining that I want to move on, but will always be there for her as a friend).

- She wants to make me jealous. She knows he will tell me me that she has been contacting him and wants to make me pine over her and wonder why she hasn't contacted me (but if this is the case, then why now? She is moving away and we are both getting on with our lives. No need to bring anymore feelings into the situation. It's finished).

Anyway, my friend didn't reply and has since deleted the message. Trouble is, hearing about her makes me think about her more and realise that I only have two days when I can ever see her again. Once I realise this I feel quite sad and kind of wish to see her one last time. Let by-gones be by-gones and all... .

What is everyone's opinion on this? Why is she contacting my friend so long after she seemingly dropped off the face of the earth a few weeks ago? What is the best way to proceed here? I really want to just move on and forget about her. I just can't seem to whilst we are living so close to one another. Thanks for any advice. As always, I will be very appreciative.

[newc1992]

I was gradually getting to the stage where I was recovering from my relationship with my BPDexgf. We split 5 months ago and have had very little contact since, other then her meeting me to take back some of her belongings six weeks ago. We are both at university but are moving to different cities next week so we will be 50 miles apart, which will help me to detach no end.

However, the other day she contacted my friend through Facebook in the early hours of the morning, shortly after he uploaded a photo containing myself and him (I'm blocked on her Facebook, however she can still see the photo, just not that I am tagged). The message read something along the lines of "Hey, I know that you have probably heard some horrible things about me in recent months, so I will understand if you do not reply to this. However I am leaving this city really soon and just wanted to wish you all the best for the future. I wanted to say this sooner but didn't know when would be the best time... . Take care of yourself."

Thing is, she and him were only acquaintances who knew one another through myself. They never had a friendship or talked when I was not present. She has absolutely no reason to be contacting him. A few scenarios have been thrown about by people I have spoken to about the matter, namely:

- She genuinely wanted to wish him well before she left (but why so late? They haven't spoken at all in over 6 months. So why contact him now?).

- She was trying to hit on him (but she never found him attractive, and again, she is leaving soon, so why try now?).

- She is trying to get to me through him, using him to fish for information about me (but we haven't talked in weeks and we have both been moving on without each other. If this was the case then not just contact me directly? Why get my friend involved?).

- She wants me to talk to me, but doesn't want to contact me herself - she wants me to contact her... . (but I have began to move on from the relationship we had, and have stopped attempting to contact her as it never makes any difference. I sent a letter to her 6 weeks ago explaining that I want to move on, but will always be there for her as a friend).

- She wants to make me jealous. She knows he will tell me me that she has been contacting him and wants to make me pine over her and wonder why she hasn't contacted me (but if this is the case, then why now? She is moving away and we are both getting on with our lives. No need to bring anymore feelings into the situation. It's finished).

Anyway, my friend didn't reply and has since deleted the message. Trouble is, hearing about her makes me think about her more and realise that I only have two days when I can ever see her again. Once I realise this I feel quite sad and kind of wish to see her one last time. Let by-gones be by-gones and all... .

What is everyone's opinion on this? Why is she contacting my friend so long after she seemingly dropped off the face of the earth a few weeks ago? What is the best way to proceed here? I really want to just move on and forget about her. I just can't seem to whilst we are living so close to one another. Thanks for any advice. As always, I will be very appreciative.

[OnceConfused]

Just LET IT GO. You have been doing well in keeping the distance and let the healing began. Fight that temptation to see or contact her again.

Why take a step backward when you don't really have to?

You don't live the past nor the future, you only live in the present moment. Why wasting your present moment worrying about the past?

GO forward

[Narellan]

I think shes wanting to contact you but too scared you will reject her. She knows your friend will tell you she contacted him, and that you will think of her. She is reminding you shes only in the city for a short time.

Responding to this will severely set you back. You are about to move on. The miles will help you detach. Let her go.

Peace.

[free-n-clear]

What is the best way to proceed here?

   Whenever you find yourself thinking about seeing her again, remember - a wise man once said... .

I really want to just move on and forget about her. 

    Stay strong, newc. 

[Tausk]

I'm sorry for the trigger.  The obsessive desire to reconnect is brutally painful and can feel overwhelming.

And why your ex contacted your friend, it could be all of the above answers that you provides or any combination of them.  It's very difficult to say.  She's leaving, so she's under stress and emotional and the Disorder can be triggered to a high degree at that moment.   She may not know herself?  But you may wish to tell you friend to be careful.  If your ex thinks he's a possible source of attachment, she will try.

However, the issue is how are you going to respond.  

And first of all, the message wasn't to you, so in essence it really has nothing to do with you.  Maintaining boundaries is very important.  If she realizes that she can affect you through your friends, she will go that route more often.  In addition, maybe ask your friends not to tell you about any contact from her anymore.

Secondly, what do you hope to gain by maybe seeing her?   If she has BPD, she will not provide you closure.  She will not be able to be responsible for her actions.  And if given the chance, she may attempt to hook you into a long distance interaction, while she is not accountable for what she does when she's not with you.

It could set your recovery back years or even a lifetime.  Just hearing about her sending a message to your friend, which is not your concern, triggered you.  Seeing her, could send you back down the rabbit hole for years.   And you've been doing so well.  Weather this storm.  There's nothing that seems urgent.

I say this b/c it happened to me.  My ex an I were supposed to take a break, and go to counseling.  In the meantime, she had been cheating on me.  When we went to counseling after six months off, I could tell she was in full Disorder.  But the point is that my recovery was set by back years be even having any contact, going to counseling, and not closing the door to the Disorder.   We get closure by eliminating hope for reconnection and moving on.  However, some ex partners never recover from the Disorder.  

It's an addiction.  It the Disorder.  The Disorder does not want happiness, takes hostages, and leaves behind souls that have been sucked dry.   And the Disorder always wins.

[antjs]

I am also moving to another country in a week. My ex is the one who abruptly left me, no closure and she is the one who initiated no contact after i told her she is sick. I have been in NC for 3 months now. No validation no closure. I gave closure to myself. My closure is she is disordered and can not take any blame or say sorry. Actually i was the one who was blamed for the failed relationship though i really gave it ally energy.

So i am leaving in a week and leaving everythhing behind. No goodbye. Even saying goodbye would set me back a lot and i am going to another country having a lot of challenges to settle. Having a new job to prove myself and retain it. I am not gonna ___ my future and my life for saying goodbye.

Think about yourself and your academic life before thinking about telling her goodbye and showing that u r a decent civil person or trying to get closure. U will not get closure, u will get heartache that would be harder than before.

[newc1992]

Yes, no matter what the reason for her contacting me, I have at no point considered contacting her. I am slowly recovering, and this will no doubt be aided greatly when we no longer live in the same city. I have managed to resist the urge to make contact with her for the past 6 or 7 weeks, so I will not allow her to trigger me into making contact. It's hard, but will get easier. The advice is greatly appreciated, and as always, has helped my recovery greatly. I was more interested to know why she has made contact with my friend, rather than through myself, especially since there are so many theories being considered. Either way, she has not made contact with me and I do not ever expect contact from her again if I'm honest... .

[Narellan]

With Bpd exes there is always the chance they will make contact. I find if I always have a plan in my head it will help me not to be caught off guard and respond instinctively. I don't want any more contact, I can't be with him now he has hurt me too much, but my love for him is still there. And he has no boundaries so I have to make some. He cast me aside and went NC for 3 months, then last week just turns up in my doorstep. I wasn't home but if I was I would have said "its over, no more contact please".

If I hadn't rehearsed this a million times in my head and he's on my doorstep remorseful like every other recycle it will tear at my heart strings and weaken me. Always have a plan... Best of luck to you xx

[free-n-clear]

  Hi again, newc.

I was more interested to know why she has made contact with my friend, rather than through myself.

   This could be for any number of reasons, as you say -

- She genuinely wanted to wish him well before she left... .

- She was trying to hit on him... .

- She is trying to get to me through him, using him to fish for information about me... .

- She wants to talk to me, but doesn't want to contact me herself - she wants me to contact her... .

- She wants to make me jealous. She knows he will tell me that she has been contacting him and wants to make me pine over her.

   Ultimately, it's an unknowable. I think the second, third and fourth scenarios are more likely than the other two, but even in the best-case scenario (4), it would likely only be because she is trying to keep you hooked in as a viable back-up option should she need something from you - validation, a shoulder to cry on, money - in the future.

   Focus on you, not her. Take care of YOU.