Breaking No Contact - Instantly struggling again

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello again to everyone,

Well, I suppose it might have been inevitable, but after approximately a couple of months of her seemingly respecting my request for NC my ex uBPD fiance is once again trying to reach out to me.  It started about a week ago when I'm 99% sure she actually rang my apartment buzzer and I didn't answer.  The next day she called me on both my home and cell phones.  I did not answer.  A couple of days later she tried calling me again on my cell and I noticed I had missed a "private call" at home, too, which I believe was her as in the past she's tried to "trap me" into picking up her calls by blocking her number.

In any event, last night she sent me an email asking if I was free anytime this week as she'd like to meet up with me to talk.  It was punctuated by what I read as a dramatic "please".

The last time she broke NC was right after New Years.  She showed up at my apartment and stayed for several hours.  We talked and it got emotional but I held my ground to not go backwards, though I did catch myself saying "not right now" a lot.  During the past couple of months I've been dating another woman.  I like her a lot and she likes me a lot but I know that I am still harboring many unresolved feelings for my ex. I feel like I still love her and I just don't know how to truly move on.  I am seriously considering breaking NC, not because I want to get back with her, but because I feel like I have to even if it's just to remind her that I prefer to be NC (I know, that sounds ridiculous).  I have an appointment with my T tomorrow, and for the moment I'm trying to delay my decision to respond to my ex until I speak with he but I am clearly feeling unsettled by this.  That feeling is amplified by feelings of shame and guilt.  I hate that she still holds so much power over me and yet I continue to care for her.  It's so frustrating to feel so out of control of my feelings.

[Darknightx13]

Hello again to everyone,

Well, I suppose it might have been inevitable, but after approximately a couple of months of her seemingly respecting my request for NC my ex uBPD fiance is once again trying to reach out to me.  It started about a week ago when I'm 99% sure she actually rang my apartment buzzer and I didn't answer.  The next day she called me on both my home and cell phones.  I did not answer.  A couple of days later she tried calling me again on my cell and I noticed I had missed a "private call" at home, too, which I believe was her as in the past she's tried to "trap me" into picking up her calls by blocking her number.

In any event, last night she sent me an email asking if I was free anytime this week as she'd like to meet up with me to talk.  It was punctuated by what I read as a dramatic "please".

The last time she broke NC was right after New Years.  She showed up at my apartment and stayed for several hours.  We talked and it got emotional but I held my ground to not go backwards, though I did catch myself saying "not right now" a lot.  During the past couple of months I've been dating another woman.  I like her a lot and she likes me a lot but I know that I am still harboring many unresolved feelings for my ex. I feel like I still love her and I just don't know how to truly move on.  I am seriously considering breaking NC, not because I want to get back with her, but because I feel like I have to even if it's just to remind her that I prefer to be NC (I know, that sounds ridiculous).  I have an appointment with my T tomorrow, and for the moment I'm trying to delay my decision to respond to my ex until I speak with he but I am clearly feeling unsettled by this.  That feeling is amplified by feelings of shame and guilt.  I hate that she still holds so much power over me and yet I continue to care for her.  It's so frustrating to feel so out of control of my feelings.

[sad but wiser]

Don't worry Darknightx13, it is just a passing emotion with her.  I know how you feel about needing to take care of this person.  Remember who you are dealing with.  You do not owe her her life.  She needs to make a life for herself and she will never get help if someone else is there to rescue her.  That's you.  Right, you.  You are actually standing in the way of her recovery by being available.

[sunrising]

I'd talk to my therapist before I made a move.  In your situation, which I've been in very recently, it really helped me to talk with my therapist before I made a tough decision like breaking NC.   You'll figure out the right thing to do.  

[Vegasskydiver]

Dark Knight, I am struggling too, but I have maintained.  I think about what the result would be... .  it wold be much more agonizing pain, even if it were good for a little while.  I just can't do it.  I have been down this miserable road before and any contact with my exBPDbf is really bad news!

[Darknightx13]

You are actually standing in the way of her recovery by being available.

I've thought about this quite a bit as well as talked about it with my therapist.  It's definitely in my mind, but ultimately I'm trying to make a decision that's for me and my healing so I am choosing to not look at this from her perspective.  To be honest, If I do that (put myself in her shoes) I'm honestly very surprised she hasn't painted me completely black.  I have no idea if there is any real substance to why SHE wants to talk, and I'm aware it very well may have nothing to do with wanting to give us another shot, though that's what she wanted after New Years.

... .  it wold be much more agonizing pain, even if it were good for a little while.  I just can't do it.

I don't believe I'm looking to continue having contact with her, which I'm aware begs the question then why would I respond?  I don't know how to articulate a smart answer to that question, but I feel that if I continue to ignore her that ultimately this will continue anyway, with her trying to contact me.  This wasn't just one day of fleeting thought now.  She's tried to contact me multiple ways on different days.  I'm afraid these attempts will continue and in that sense she has the opportunity to keep breaking NC with me.

[Cimbaruns]

DK

I agree... .  holding off until talking to your T is probably important for you right now!

I broke NC with my exBPD wife last week and it was quite apparent that it was all she needed to become angry with me!

I kept it simple but it was her foot in the door and the crazy making started up again.

I had been NC for about 1 month after finally setting good boundaries and it gave me the clarity I needed to start moving forward

So hard I know... .  but all the guilt and shame eventually lessens if you allow yourself to work through it... .  not at all easy I know!

I read on these boards quite frequently that NC was the only way to go... .  and I am a firm believer for sure

Most definately talk to your T.   And stay strong DK

[Darknightx13]

I agree... .  holding off until talking to your T is probably important for you right now!

My T initially said she doesn't think anything good can come of me responding, but by the end of the session it seems I convinced her that it might be okay to write her back with a brief message to re-enforce my desire for no contact.  I was thinking of borrowing from a post I read here yesterday and let my ex know that my desire for no contact is for me and is not meant to be a punishment to her.

The BIG problem is that I am still struggling with all of the dynamics of my feelings.  On the one hand, I really do want to try and be no contact with my ex as I believe time and space is the only way I will gain a stronger sense of clarity as to why I can't be in a healthy relationship with her.  I'm attempting to do that while also trying to cultivate a relationship with someone new, which I know in and of itself is risky.

On the other hand, I miss my ex very much, and even though I still don't believe that I can be with her and whether I want to or not almost seems irrelevant because it just doesn't seem possible given how unstable she is, I can't help but wonder what she has to say.  There is a piece of me that wants to escape into a fantasy world where the things that happened can somehow fade away and somehow a healthy relationship with her could still be possible.  I think about all that has happened and it amazes me that we're just 6 months out from a time when my ex had just put together a little surprise birthday celebration for me and how at the time I thought her behavior then represented a change in the wind that things were really going to okay.  Now this much time later, and with her birthday just around the corner, I sometimes just can't believe that my life has gone in this direction.

I really don't know what I want to do. :-(

[Darknightx13]

I thought a lot about what I wanted to do, including my session with my T, and ultimately responded to her email (see below).  I know a lot of you will probably frown (for lack of a better word) upon the fact that I voluntarily broke no contact, but I'd love feedback on my choice of words.  If you add it all up, I probably took upwards of 4 hours to settle on the final content of this tiny little paragraph.

{ex uBPDgf's name}

I am sorry but I cannot meet up with you to talk.  My decision to not see you and to not speak with you is for me and is not meant to be a punishment to you.  I wish that there was a way for you to understand this.  You have free will and you can obviously decide to do whatever you choose to do, but I ask that you please fight the urge to respond to this email and that you do not continue to call me and/or come by the apartment building.  I’m doing my best to move on and to find my way forward in life, and I deserve the chance to do that with peace and without the fear of you, intentionally or otherwise, upsetting me or my ability to do so.  I believe that you care about me and if you do and you truly want what is best for me then you will respect my wishes.  I sincerely hope that you have a happy birthday.  I’m sorry that I cannot offer you more.

{Darknightx13}

[sad but wiser]

Good wording.  Not a blaming letter, very neutral.  Don't count on her seeing it that way, though.  I've written the most innocuous things to my ex and he still took them as being evil, hateful, etc.  Don't let it get to you if she does.  It is merely a symptom of the disorder.

[sad but wiser]

P.S. no one is judging you here,  we are all trying to help each other through a very confusing time.

[Darknightx13]

Good wording.  Not a blaming letter, very neutral.  Don't count on her seeing it that way, though.

I'm not counting on anything.  I doubt she will resist the urge to respond and it certainly wouldn't shock me if it's an angry response, or at the very least a response that isn't drenched in self-loathing rhetoric.  She might respond with an open ended question like, "so it's really over?" or "you don't want to try?" or maybe she won't respond at all.  I'm really hoping for the latter, but if she does respond I almost hope that it's something that is over the top with anger because in some ways I think that would help me.  I'm still convinced that NC and distance/time is the only thing that will really help me to fully move past the relationship and her but at the same time, the longer I go without her and the more I lose my grip on her dysfunction, which at the end of the day is the reason why things were so unhealthy and could not work out, it can be difficult to "remember" how crazy things really were.  I guess I have a need to hold onto that as well, to keep her mental illness at the forefront of my thoughts so that I don't end up recycling down the road.

[waitaminute]

I wish you well if you decide to try it again. Use all you have learned here... .  And on the staying board. Remember and practice the techniques like SET.

[sad but wiser]

Yes, it is really weird how easy it is to forget that you are not dealing with a rational person.  Why? Maybe it has to do with mirroring or their tendency to project?  Are we projecting normal onto them?

[GreenMango]

No judgement you communicated in a sincere and kind way what you needed.  Now its really all about you, what you plan on doing next.

She may try to negotiate with you or not.  Do what is healthy for you.  Sounds like you are actively trying to do that.