Struggles with Undiagnosed Potential BPD Mom

[youreneveralone]

Hi friends, this is my first post - I just found this site through BPDCentral, which I found through the Stop Walking on Eggshells book. I could really use some support now. It was only in the last couple months that I learned from my therapist my mom may have BPD, but these traits have been tearing apart some of my family for years. I feel like I have always been the glue holding things together, but now that I have a partner I’m going to marry and two sweet step daughters, things are shifting.

At the same time, my brother’s long term rift with my mom just got worse. Right before my fiancée and the girls and I joined my mom for 5 nights a Disney World, my brother just told my mom he did not want to see her for Christmas and blocked her communication for a while. This was very difficult timing for this, but even without that it may have been tough for my mom to see my fiancée and creating our own life together and wanting some alone time.

My mom has always been extremely sensitive to anything she perceives as criticism or a slight. I’m now realizing how that seems to tie in with a fear that people around her are rejecting her. In addition, I’ve long noticed her tendency to perceive people in very black and white terms. She either is excited about a friend or new partner in her life or she’s done with them. She perceives it as them rejecting her, but I have a feeling it’s her being overly critical of them and pushing them away. As far as I know she’s never been suicidal and hasn’t been treated for depression, but I notice both anxiety and depression in her as both are issues I’ve dealt with to extremes in the past. In fact I’m now realizing in part my generalized anxiety and panic attacks may have been in some way related to my relationship with my mom. This past week my anxiety has been extremely amped up due to family dynamics with my mom. In terms of other symptoms, my mom doesn’t have regular rates. They have happened very rarely but the few times they have were really scary and affected me pretty deeply. At one point she yelled that she didn’t love me and when I mentioned it years lately she said she didn’t remember that. Mostly, rather than outright anger, she goes super cold when she feels slighted and she speaks and reacts with a really negative energy that makes me and others uncomfortable.

I’ve noticed that reaction get worse and worse this week, specifically toward my fiancée and a bit to me. I can see my mom be hurt by little things that keep adding up in her mind and she can’t let go of them. In this case, they were mostly reactions to things from my fiancée and a little from me about how we parent the girls. For example, she grabbed the six year old when she thought she was running off rather than using words with her first. My fiancée sort of snapped at her because he didn’t like the way she handled her and she took that really hard. She got all cold and anxious appearing and said im sorry several times, asked me if she should apologize again. Over the next couple days she started asking if she was “allowed” to do x with the girls or if it was ok to do that. She started snapping at my fiancée when he just said things about where the girls were sitting on the plane. She got cold and mad when I told her I had made breakfast reservations for just me, my fiancée and the girls. I want to include her but when she acts that way it’s really uncomfortable to be around and I don’t want to invite her just out of guilt.

This all sounds very similar to what my brother experienced and has experienced since getting engaged, married, and having kids in the last ten years. My mom has super strong reactions to how my brothers wife treats her and she feels she is being rejected and not allowed to see her grandkids enough. Now, as I said before, my brother is cutting off contact. It makes me extremely sad, but I don’t blame him. I also think it puts even more pressure on my to please my mom, though I know that shouldn’t be my job. I am afraid of the situation with my family getting to the point it did with my brother. I feel my mom doesn’t have the awareness to realize what she’s doing. She’s been in therapy but I don’t think they know what’s going on - I imagine they believe her when she portrays herself as a victim. I love my mother and don’t want to cut her off but I can’t let her put a wedge between me and my fiancée.

Help please! How do I handle a parent who is undiagnosed when I’m afraid of her reaction if I suggest family therapy or something? And more immediately, do I have a talk with her about how she reacted to my fiancée on vacation? How do I get a BPD person to listen? In the past I always ended up mediating with my brother and my mom and nothing helped - no matter how much I tried to explain my brother and his wife’s perspective she would nor budge.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  I am sorry for the struggles you are experiencing right now and hope we can help get you to a better place.  Many of us are in similar situations and can support you as you work things through.

As I was reading your post, the first thing I thought about was fear of abandonment which is common in pwBPD (people with BPD).  They feel threatened and insecure in their relationship with you.   You can't fix this for her obviously, but you can help sometimes by including her, giving her a heads up about breakfast alone with your fiancee and the kids with a reassurance you will spend time after, etc.  It can take time and practice to get to that point though.  A lot of feelings will probably come up for you:

This past week my anxiety has been extremely amped up due to family dynamics with my mom. In terms of other symptoms, my mom doesn’t have regular rates.

This will happen as your role changes and you develop a stronger relationship with your fiancee.   Managing our own emotions and reactions is can be difficult but it is very helpful so we can focus on responding in a situation rather than reacting often in an effort to soothe our own emotions.  Again, so many of us have or are going through this.  You are not alone.   

You mentioned you played mediator between your mom and brother.  Is that a role you have always had in your family? 

Please share more here.  This is a safe place and we get it.

Again, welcome.   

[WoofMeow]

Hi there, it does sound like your mom is undiagnosed. It's tough and behavior seems to escalate at holidays. You sound like the peacemaker of the family,nothing wrong with that but don't let it take away from your new family. You are in an exciting phase of life (marriage and stepmomhood) and I'm sorry your mom's behavior is interfering. There are a lot of us on the boards who understand and had very similar situations. Just venting sometimes helps. Hugs.

[youreneveralone]

Harri, for a good chunk of the ten years my brother and mom have been on difficult terms, my mom always would come to me to vent about my brother, his wife, and how they treated him. She would criticize my brother’s wife, talk about how they didn’t care about her and didn’t want her to be around her grandkids. I would often try to stand up for my brother and his wife and defend them and explain that they didn’t really not want her around - they were just busy and had their own life but that she still got to see the grandkids.

Earlier on, my brother would also vent to me - I would try to defend my mom. I think I was always so good at understanding what she was feeling and where she was coming from because she conditioned me to be that way. Im now feeling more and more disillusioned that all this time I was standing up for my mom when it seems my brother and his wife had valid reasons for setting boundaries. Later on, my brother stopped venting much if at all to me, and I realize he has displayed much more emotional maturity. Now that I have brought up my mom’s recent actions to my brother, he has told me he was trying really hard not to taint my view of her. It seems I had to come to my own realization about her through my own experience.

[Methuen]

For example, she grabbed the six year old when she thought she was running off rather than using words with her first. My fiancée sort of snapped at her because he didn’t like the way she handled her and she took that really hard. She got all cold and anxious appearing and said im sorry several times, asked me if she should apologize again. Over the next couple days she started asking if she was “allowed” to do x with the girls or if it was ok to do that. She started snapping at my fiancée when he just said things about where the girls were sitting on the plane.

This is typical.  BPD's tend to react on emotion, rather than cognitive reflection or rational thinking.  Your mom asking if she was "allowed" to do X with the girls just felt exactly like the kind of reaction my mom used to have when our kids were smaller (they are in their 20's now).  Those emotional reactions are never going to change, and she won't be able to reflect on or think about what she could have done differently (i.e. using words first instead of grabbing the child by the arm).  Her feelings will also always be your fault.

I feel my mom doesn’t have the awareness to realize what she’s doing.

From my experience with my mom, I believe you are right.  Their thinking is of a disordered pattern.

Help please! How do I handle a parent who is undiagnosed

How do I get a BPD person to listen? In the past I always ended up mediating with my brother and my mom and nothing helped - no matter how much I tried to explain my brother and his wife’s perspective she would nor budge.

I think we all have to find our own path to these answers.  For me it has been 1) educating myself about BPD 2) detaching my emotions from my mothers (i.e. stop feeling her feelings for her) 3) learning new skills from books and this website for how to communicate with her...such as validation, and not JADING (don't justify argue defend explain cs. they don't work with BPD's).  I believe that info is on this site under tools, but if not, I think this is a link (if I've done this right).  There's also another link for validation.  Reading about it and learning it is easier than actually putting it into practice, so give yourself time to practice applying it.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=280750.0