Silent Treatment and the Impediment to Healing

[bb12]

14 months NC. More good days than bad.

But the single worst element of my BPD experience was the impossibly cruel ending.

All us has experienced idealisation, devaluation and the discard. We move past all of that by understanding what it was about us that attracted these people and that kept us in it for so long. Tick. And tick.

Knowing what I now do about PDs and about myself though, there is still one thing that can wind me almost physically - the pain is still so visceral and raw in this single regard: the silent treatment.

Can anyone offer advice on how to move past the pain that comes from being invalidated to non-existence?

I am not sure what I am hanging on to... .  the need for accountability, closure, a win:win ending. ?

Or am I just confused about what our 2 years together actually meant to him, if he can cut and run like that?

Despite all that I have learned and how equipped I now am to cope with so many of life's issues, the trauma of be ostricised like this can be quite unbearable.

Anyone else been iced like this? How did you move past the desire to turn it around?

bb12

[MakeItHappen]

BB, I hear ya and understand. I too, am looking at the same thought(s).

Knowing, we are MUCH better without our exBPD's is a good thing.

[GustheDog]

bb12,

I'm dropping a note to say that I can relate, but unfortunately have no appreciable advice.

I'm in the exact same spot - idolized every day for 2.5 years, plans for the future, she's asking for a ring.  A few weeks later she flips into hater, treats me to the most severe emotional abuse of my life, cuts the cord and I haven't seen or heard a peep in 6 months.

I've healed a great deal in that time; I've come a long, long way.  But the trauma associated with that abrupt cut-off is the single most damaging experience I've ever endured.  Core pain in its purest form.

[bb12]

Thanks Gus & MakeItHappen,

These boards are a godsend for the bond of shared trauma!

So much better off without them! And grateful for breaking bad and long standing patterns but its like my body can't turn off that pull for answers, dialogue, closure, something!

I've come such a long way and am a bit embarrassed to regress today, but like you Gus, this has been the most damaging experience I've ever known. Period.

I wouldn't take the call if he tried to communicate... .  So how can I know that yet still have this yearning? So confusing!

I am happier than ever in some regards but constantly dragged back by the endless questions that illogical and very cruel treatment brings - especially at the hands of someone who seemed so deeply committed only days earlier

Bb12

[grad]

Lack of closure is difficult.  In my younger years when things started to not go so well I'd do what I could to make them hate me.  However as I aged I stopped with this behavior.  I started to take the high road and learn from each relationship.  Sometimes it takes months or years for someone to get past the relationship comfortably so that you can become friends again, other times it's not possible.  Ex's are that for a reason, the relationship wasn't making both parties happy and quite frequently on this forum it was the other party who fed the non's ego only to get bored or scared and run.  "There's always better" is my motto and if I want to be happy I focus on that.  

I know the mind can't help but wonder but if it helps, think of it all as a lie.  Would you want to continue a r/s with a disordered person who was feeding you nothing but lies?

Also, sometimes these people who have been badly damaged in their past like to inflict pain on others.  I spoke to another friend this weekend who told me at one point she'd start dating guys for a month just to make them fall for her and then dump them so they'd feel some pain.  People can be vindictive and maniacal, especially when they don't really care about something.

[awake]

My xBPD b/f maintains still (7 months since break up) that "I was the one", we were soul mates.  We are two characters is a romance movie that are separated and can't find their way back to each other.  The audience wants us to find each other again.  Such a big part of me responds to this... .  it's like an ache.  He sends me messages with that sort of content, but then says "it's his path to move away" and maybe we will find each other again in 10 years, it won't matter who we are with because the love beween us will be more important.  It's epic push pull... .  to the power of 10... .  I have to face that there is no closure with this man.  And if I were to buy into this, the only time contact would stop is when he meets his next love and then there's a new kind of pain.

The good news is... .  he's moved away and while I'm letting that still hurt, I'm relieved.  Now I just have to end the emailing... .  he's blocked on Facebook, lives in another country so he won't phone me.  It's up to me to take the final step and filter his emails into junk.

[Blessed0329]

Bb12, congratulations on maintaining such a long standing NC! I see that as an achievement. As for the silent treatment, yes, I yearn for closure, and my NC has only been 9 weeks. But it is the same as most everyone else here, unanswered questions. I will say this. I had an affair 25 years ago with another man with BPD. I didn't know what it was then, and that relationship actually helped me in this most recent one. At the end of the prior one, I kept returning to him from time to time to ask questions at lunch dates. He graciously humored me each time I called, and acted as if nothing was ever amiss between us, and we were simply two old friends catching up. But each time we met he did answer my questions, as best he could. And he was able to express to me that for him, the seduction was an exciting chase, that he quickly got bored with, and was compelled to move on to hunt new prey. He never meant to hurt or harm me. He actually did not consider me at all during that time, except in terms of something he had to have for a while. It was really astounding to hear such a self-centered perspective.

[tailspin]

bb12 

"the pain is still so visceral and raw in this single regard: the silent treatment"

You've been emotionally abused bb12... .  and moving past the pain of this abuse is causing you to  experience more pain.  Being iced is how your ex punished you because this is how he was punished.  T(his) pattern of abuse was then projected onto you... .  but the pain you feel is from something else entirely.

Consider for a moment that this pain has nothing whatsoever to do with your ex and nothing to do with the silent treatment he gave you.  Consider that he is just the catalyst for you to re-experience the original wound within your FOO. They "give" us the silent treatment but this does not mean we have to accept the silent treatment.  I say refuse to accept this is the reason you are in pain and instead find out what this abuse has really triggered within yourself.

I believe your pain is visceral and raw because of what wound this rips open within yourself and has little to do with your ex.  As long as you continue to feel he is the source of this pain you will be unable to reconcile your own healing or move past your unhealthy attachment to him.  The reason I say we must experience "more pain" is because of the digging required to get to the source of our ill. 

My ex's silent treatments devastated me.  This is how I moved past it:  I took him out of the equation and focused on what he "represented" to me in terms of abuse.  He was the "father figure" from my FOO who never paid attention to me.  I had to forgive my father for not giving me the love I needed to have a healthy relationship with any man.  I constantly fought to change the script without realizing the script was being written by me.

You are almost there bb.  Don't stop digging now.

tailspin

[krista8521]

Hello, I know that pain is a stinging hell 

You deserve answers, it's unbelievable how selfish this disorder can make some.

My Husband and I last year were having one fight after another mostly over his mother who was a relentless problem.

On a Sunday night after fighting he said he was going to stay at a co workers because he couldn't stand the fighting any more. I was fine with that.

Monday on his lunch hour while he is chewing on food, he calls me and says "yeah, I don't want to be married any more, I grew apart from you and I met this woman who's a nurse and shes really nice to me"

"I want you to move on and meet someone else, yeah, well I gotta get back to work"

This was after a 20 year marriage, 4 kids and never cheated or talked divorce before.

He hung up and I went numb, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I just remember having to go get dog food and checking out, running my debit card over and over staring blankly and the cashire leans over and says "you just have to put your pin in" I couldn't even think straight.

I decided I wouldn't call him and he didn't call for a week, and I sat there feeling so broke, so confused, so hurt. No one to talk to.

We ended up going into counseling and things are much better today. But if I ever try to bring that call up his face gets red and he gets up and gets all jumpy and angry.

He will not talk about it at all, tells me to not bring it up. "I have apologized over and over" (not really)

I still wonder how someone can be so cruel and wonder if he is capable of doing that again one day?  :'(

[MakeItHappen]

Ex's are that for a reason, the relationship wasn't making both parties happy and quite frequently on this forum it was the other party who fed the non's ego only to get bored or scared and run.  "There's always better" is my motto and if I want to be happy I focus on that.  

Grad, this is perfect. Just what I personally, needed to read in this moment. Thank you for your thoughts.