my exwBPD is remarried and I'm still a mess

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Oh the joys of being a non.  Been divorced for going on 1 1/2 years, the exwBPD has since married the POS NPD she was having her affair with and I'm looking forward to my next T appt. tomorrow to help get me squared away again.  What a bunch of crap is that?  I do pretty well most of the time now and I can't quite put my finger on it but every few months I need to get back to the T because I can feel myself unraveling.  Just this past weekend I was alone in my house and just started to cry.  The wave of pain came crashing over me out of nowhere.  I was raised by a BPD and then spent 22 years with my exwBPD so I understand I'm probably more messed up than most but you would think it would be a lot better by now.  I'm beginning to think that these sporadic waves of pain and utter confusion will come and go for the rest of my life.  When I was a young man (30 years ago) there used to be a phrase that was used a lot - "get a grip on yourself".   Sure wish I could get that grip to stick for good.  Kinda makes me think I'm a bit crazy now too.  Maybe I am.   Just don't know for sure but I think it's more likely PTSD symptoms.  Those can go on a really long time.

[imstronghere2]

Oh the joys of being a non.  Been divorced for going on 1 1/2 years, the exwBPD has since married the POS NPD she was having her affair with and I'm looking forward to my next T appt. tomorrow to help get me squared away again.  What a bunch of crap is that?  I do pretty well most of the time now and I can't quite put my finger on it but every few months I need to get back to the T because I can feel myself unraveling.  Just this past weekend I was alone in my house and just started to cry.  The wave of pain came crashing over me out of nowhere.  I was raised by a BPD and then spent 22 years with my exwBPD so I understand I'm probably more messed up than most but you would think it would be a lot better by now.  I'm beginning to think that these sporadic waves of pain and utter confusion will come and go for the rest of my life.  When I was a young man (30 years ago) there used to be a phrase that was used a lot - "get a grip on yourself".   Sure wish I could get that grip to stick for good.  Kinda makes me think I'm a bit crazy now too.  Maybe I am.   Just don't know for sure but I think it's more likely PTSD symptoms.  Those can go on a really long time.

[Clearmind]

imstronghere2, I can understand it. I waited for the other shoe to fall with my ex's new replacement. When it did - I knew it wasn't me to blame.

I also grew up in a BPD household - certainly going for therapy tune-up is a good idea - much of our anguish lies in our childhood not with our ex's.

I probably don't need to mention that we are much better off putting down the magnifying glass on our ex's and pick up the mirror and look at us/our past.

Have you seen a doctor about your PTSD?

[imstronghere2]

Yes, much of our anguish lies in the core wounds we suffered during our childhood.  I haven't seen a doc yet for the PTSD as I've put off that 50 year checkup for a couple of years but it's time I made that appointment.  I struggle with drinking also which I use as a form of release from the pressures of dealing with all of it.  Just one more thing to throw in the pile of issues.

I was drawn to what was familiar with my exw.  I knew how to live without compassion, without emotional empathy and the raging and abuse wasn't as severe so I could deal with that too.  It was all SO familiar that it was comforting and that's the really screwed up part.  I was happy with that because it was all I've ever known.