Single adult daughter with 3 children has unhealthy relationship

[Justina K.]

Our daughter invited a boyfriend into her home after Christmas 2019, all is changed, home life upended, children are ignored or told they have to get used to it. At this time older daughter was kicked out and went to stay with step dad, young teens are with us and her aunt. Children never want to go home. Distance learning is making it possible for them to stay with us for now. She has not come to any family get-together since Christmas, usually the first one to everything. Boyfriend is a felon drug dealer. Has several kids with a couple different moms. When they were in the home our grandkids said he is home all the time playing video games and house smells like pot.

She's been separated 9 years from s/o father of 2 younger kids. She is divorced from father of oldest, who committed suicide in March. That daughter is currently in therapy, also has many of the same symptoms as her mother. She has cut off all friends except those of boyfriend. Installed a ring doorbell, told us we are not to come over unless invited, got rid of the family dog, not on Facebook anymore after using it regularly to talk about her projects and kids, bought a $50,000 vehicle that she can't afford, has only communicated by text if necessary and has called me twice and went into rage over irrational complaints and hung up.

Although she has total custody of kids and they don't like their dad, she has just threatened middle child that if she ever talks to him again she will never talk to her. She has completely shut out oldest daughter but angry that she is with the step-dad. 

She does not have an actual diagnosis of BPD but has been in for therapy for anxiety and depression (not currently) and openly smokes pot for anxiety. She has a history of relationship problems since teenage years, substance abuse, kicked out of 2 schools, in treatment twice, was raped by classmate in early teens and had an abortion prior to her first daughters birth. Both previous adult relationships were volatile. We've been told, "why didn't you stop me from my mistakes?"

She's also extremely intelligent, ambitious, creative, can be charming, works hard, has owned three houses, keeps her house up and presents a great outward appearance. Yes, we are walking on eggshells. Kids are scared she's getting house ready to sell and she will take them away permanently. I have been in therapy for my own health early on and have another appointment. I have talked with state crisis line and another crisis line for children. Advice has been, all you can do is be there for the kids and call child protection if they are in danger.

Although she has isolated from us, blames family for not communicating. Has not called her son for 6 months. I have continued to text messages and photos of what we're doing. Threatens if family doesn't agree with her choices that she will cut everyone off and take the kids. How do we even start a conversation? I said I would drop off school paperwork for her this week but not sure she will even answer the door. The pandemic has magnified everything for all of us. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Your lives have been thrown into chaos and there is no easy way to work your way out of this with your daughter. Your mind is probably going over lots of possible ways that communication can begin with her, but from what you say, she is not in any frame of mind to do this. Reading your post I felt so relieved that the children were safe with you and other family/step family members, and from what you say they are not little ones, so should it come to issues of custody/child protection etc, their wishes will be taken into account.

My BPD dd is very low functioning and I have been the person on her side of the family that has been there for her daughter (she spends every alternate week with her father). The child has been used as an emotional weapon and quite a few times DD has packed up the child and taken her off to live with her and a new boyfriend. I've learnt to sit with the situation because it is not long before the child is back here and in the routine. But it still sends a shock wave through me when DD threatens to take her again, because it is always to a dreadful situation.
It seems as though all you can do is sit with the situation, make sure the kids are cared for and heard - and perhaps think about possible scenarios and how you would respond if and when they occurred. Get information about the legal situation so you are armed with knowledge.

Thank you for posting and sharing your difficult situation.

[Justina K.]

Thank you for your reply Sancho, so helpful to hear from others with experiences with BPD family. It took me a long time to sit down and read more from this site and also getting through some recommended books on BPD. Therefore quite slow in sending a follow up post.

Shortly after my first post BPD daughter told us she was eloping, then asked a close relative to do a ceremony. She said her parents (we) wouldn't want to come to a ceremony and that gave him reason to decline, he felt sick to his stomach to know we weren't included as we are generally involved in all family events.

She has isolated even more by withdrawing from our family message posts where we might share a project or photo from some activity. Her only communication with her 12 and 14 year olds has been texts. Recently, 14 year old  requested to get clothes and jewelry from the house and has been given excuses as to why she can't come over. Was told that neither myself or aunt could come with her and said she's mad at both of us. Granddaughter has asked about going to the dentist (non emergency) and she has not even replied to that.

BPD daughter still avoiding family get togethers when invited. Told her 12 year old son that she didn't remember although was reminded just the night before of an early birthday party. Now texting to see if she can do something "special" with him for his birthday and said whatever he wanted to do, but then said her boyfriend would be going also. Her son replied that he didn't want him with so she started to get angry telling him it wasn't his choice. She pulls him into a conversation and then grills him (more back and forth than I can mention) until he's at a no win point. She does that to adults also, not recently to us.

Our grandson and granddaughter don't want to ever go back to live at their house. Granddaughter says mom doesn't want them back and grandson says mom doesn't love them anymore. I am wondering if she can recognize that her children are hurting, or if she is feeling so much hurt herself from isolating from family? Or is she in a manic state of "being in love" and in her eyes everyone outside of her relationship is against her and wrong?

[Sancho]

Just rereading your last post. I recognise the sort of situation you are in as being part of my story. As I have gone on my journey I have often recognised that there were two options: one was to go with the situation as it is - the children are safe and secure, even though they are hurting from the 'rejection', they do have your unconditional love and support. If at some point in the future your daughter and her partner separate, it would be possible for healing and reconnection to happen I think. The other option is to find a way to get someone else involved to try to sort things out at this point in time. I am wondering if the children could talk to a school counsellor (who might be able to take things further in regard to where the children are going to live on a more permanent basis from now). This option would allow you and the children to settle into a long term lifestyle, but it risks alienating your daughter from you and the children, possibly long term.

I hope you are able to cope with all that is on your plate at the moment. You are doing an amazing job in all this and your story really encourages me to keep going so thank you.

[Justina K.]

Sancho, Thanks for the support and your comments. It really helps to hear from someone who has gone through a similar situation. I agree with your comment about two options. So, I consulted CPS and their advice was to continue on our path, since kids are safe with us they have nothing to investigate and it would be hard to prove if she doesn't actually have them in the home. And to try to get a DOPA from the courts if mom does not care for kids regarding medical, dental, or educational needs. Granddaughter talked to school social worker and was given advice to contact a lawyer.

Your comment about healing and reconnection if she and partner separate sounds like a hopeful scenario, she did reconnect after separating from other partners and seemed more like herself even though blaming us for not stopping her. With her other two partners we were still in the picture during those times, the grandkids were young and we were helping. I think all of us may be disposable now and she is choosing him over everyone else, we are all bad...he is the only good person in her life.

Since my last post we found out that our BPD daughter did get married. She has not told her children. They were only aware that she was engaged.

Two weeks ago our 14 yr. old granddaughter received text from her mom inviting her to spend the weekend with her. Granddaughter said no she couldn't (or wouldn't). Then, when granddaughter asked to pick up clothes later, mom's response was "you declined the invitation to sleep over so you can't get your clothes. I will pack up all your stuff and drop it off sometime." At this point granddaughter feels kicked out of the home permanently, says "mom doesn't want us there."

Following this interaction, both my granddaughter and myself had our phones cut off. I've had my phone under BPD daughter's account family plan for at least 10 years and always paid in advance directly to her. I believe she is doing this because I'm the one who offered to give granddaughter a ride to pick up clothes. I tried an email to ask her to release the number and disconnect so I could reuse my phone and number in a separate account but no reply. Phone company has tried a number of times to call her direct and ask for her to call back but she's not responding to them either.

Her oldest daughter, almost 20, has significant mental health problems and feels completely cut out of mom's life. Her 14 yr. old daughter was told a while ago that she better figure out how to make money because she will be cut off at 18. And 13 yr. old son was made to feel like he would never move away from his mom (her words), he was spoiled and her best buddy before mom's new boyfriend came into the picture so he is so very hurt.

We are still stunned with what has gone on even though we were aware of her past relationships and personality. We are doing our best to cope but so sad for all the loss for our family. 

[Sancho]

Am really glad that you have spoken to someone - and that your granddaughter has spoken to the school counsellor. I think having as much information about legal rights etc is empowering, as is making connections with others who you can turn to should a crisis occur.

The 'splitting' of BPD is so difficult to deal with: others are either wonderful or terrible; you are either with me or against me. And when a BPD parent acts this way in relation to children it can be very painful. It sounds as though you have been on a long journey, but there is something different this time. I also have had a long journey with similar events that you describe. The worst time was when DD partnered with a young man who I think also had BPD. So to keep the relationship going, my DD took on all his splitting - who he considered good and bad etc etc. It was a nightmare. Perhaps this is a factor in your case ie he doesn't want to share your daughter so influences her choices re the children etc. In my case DD seems to just merge with whoever she is with (in order to avoid abandonment) and she just takes on whatever attitudes etc that they have.
Take care of yourself along this journey and hopefully your love and care will support your Grandchildren through the tough time.