How do you know if your BPD's change is permanent?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

How do you know if your BPD's change is permanent? For the last couple of weeks more or less, my BPDw seems to be happier. She still is out of town for 3 days a week doing her studies for a new career replacing the one she has now. She still works 2 to 3 days when she returns. We still really do not have too much time together, because she is too busy. Yet, she has not been verbally abusive at all with me. Can I trust this change, or should I wait longer? It could be very possible that she has found her joy, thus having her feel happier about herself and thus having her feel happier with me. I just simply don't know. In the meantime, I continue having my own professional joy which is helpful for others and very inspirational for all concerned. Yet, I still wish my BPDw could be closer, but I don't know if she wants to be closer. In fact, I think due to our age difference of 17 years, that might be a reason why she doesn't want to be close like we were a long time ago. So, if any of you can give any feedback about this situation, I will be glad to hear what you have to say. Thank you!

[Samuel S.]

How do you know if your BPD's change is permanent? For the last couple of weeks more or less, my BPDw seems to be happier. She still is out of town for 3 days a week doing her studies for a new career replacing the one she has now. She still works 2 to 3 days when she returns. We still really do not have too much time together, because she is too busy. Yet, she has not been verbally abusive at all with me. Can I trust this change, or should I wait longer? It could be very possible that she has found her joy, thus having her feel happier about herself and thus having her feel happier with me. I just simply don't know. In the meantime, I continue having my own professional joy which is helpful for others and very inspirational for all concerned. Yet, I still wish my BPDw could be closer, but I don't know if she wants to be closer. In fact, I think due to our age difference of 17 years, that might be a reason why she doesn't want to be close like we were a long time ago. So, if any of you can give any feedback about this situation, I will be glad to hear what you have to say. Thank you!

[catanaition]

From my experience any change is temporary until a trigger is hit 

[tjay933]

i think that if you have been with her for anything over a year, you are probably the best person to answer your own question.

ask yourself if she has been "behaved" in the past and then reverted to BPD behaviour. how long between the cycles in the past?

ask yourself what has changed recently that she is now "behaving". if nothing has changed then do you think that it just happened by itself?

If the situation that has her "behaving" suddenly changes, how do you feel she would react to that? how has she reacted to stress/sudden changes in the past?

stress is a big trigger for pwBPD. how does she handle stress in the past?

does she have healthy self esteem? do you?

how bad was she when she was BPD behavioured? Can you endure another rage episode yourself?

do you think that she has been working with a therapist/counsellor to get a better sense of self and how to treat others?

where are you in the healing from the emotional/psychological abuse?

based on what you have learnt pwBPD to be like, do you feel that her change could be permanent?

only you know the answers to these questions and you probably already have a "gut" feeling. I've found that your "gut" is usually right.

above all, stay safe.

[vortex of confusion]

I don't think anybody can tell you whether or not the change is permanent. I think the best course of action is to continue using the tools and take things one day at a time. I have driven myself crazy wondering if a small change is going to be permanent. All it does is put me on edge and gets me to thinking too much.

If the change were permanent, how would that impact what you do? If you could be reassured that the change was permanent, is there something that you want to do?

Enjoy the good parts and keep taking care of yourself!

[zeus123]

change? with a BPD is an illusion!

[Samuel S.]

Thank you for your responses! I truly appreciate them a lot!

Yeah, any change is temporary as one of you posted due to a BPD being able to be triggered easily. Even my BPDw said something about being triggered a couple of weeks ago. She's like a smoking gun or a dormant volcano, unfortunately. So, like one of you said, change for a BPD is an illusion, unfortunately.

Another aspect about my BPDw is that she seems almost focused and obsessed on her studies, even now during her Spring break. She is getting ahead along with working. In the meantime, I am getting older. I am 17 years older at the age of 70. While my health is stable and do work out, I know my years can be limited. I am positive and do most of the right things to take care of myself, although I am realistic to know that I will probably die first. When that happens, I wonder if she will reflect on her focusing and obsessing on her studies and think how foolish she really was instead of enjoying life with me as she had earlier in her life with me. On second thought, being the BPD that she is and how she rationalizes things even in her own mind, I can see her just walk away with no regrets.

[123Phoebe]

Another aspect about my BPDw is that she seems almost focused and obsessed on her studies, even now during her Spring break. She is getting ahead along with working. In the meantime, I am getting older. I am 17 years older at the age of 70. While my health is stable and do work out, I know my years can be limited. I am positive and do most of the right things to take care of myself, although I am realistic to know that I will probably die first. When that happens, I wonder if she will reflect on her focusing and obsessing on her studies and think how foolish she really was instead of enjoying life with me as she had earlier in her life with me. On second thought, being the BPD that she is and how she rationalizes things even in her own mind, I can see her just walk away with no regrets.

Samuel, how long have you been retired?  Try to put yourself in her shoes... .  Your wife is 53 years old.  Were you focused on your job when you were 53?

What would happen to your household, financially, if instead of focusing on her studies and work, she was enjoying that time with you?  What would that look like, in your view?  I hope you have a really long life ahead of you... .  In the event that you die first, would it leave your wife financially secure, if say, she wasn't so focused on her studies and work at this time of her life?

For the last couple of weeks more or less, my BPDw seems to be happier. She still is out of town for 3 days a week doing her studies for a new career replacing the one she has now. She still works 2 to 3 days when she returns. We still really do not have too much time together, because she is too busy. Yet, she has not been verbally abusive at all with me. Can I trust this change, or should I wait longer? It could be very possible that she has found her joy,

Has she expressed any milestones in her studies of late?  Are you doing anything differently?

In the meantime, I continue having my own professional joy which is helpful for others and very inspirational for all concerned. Yet, I still wish my BPDw could be closer, but I don't know if she wants to be closer.

I realize there's a balance needed here... .  Do you enjoy any time together, just the two of you?  What does "being closer" mean to you?  Would it conflict with her studies?

 

[Samuel S.]

123Phoebe, I appreciate your feedback and questions, and I would like to address your points. I have been semi-retired, but still working about 30 hours a week.

I put myself in her shoes all the time, because I understand and validate what she has gone through. Nobody should have to be abused and to lose a child. So, along with having loved her, I listen to what she says every time she speaks totally.

When I was 53, indeed, I was focused on my job AND my family. My job was important in order to support and to love my family. I did not exclude any family member due to my job. They were and are always my first priority.

She realizes and admits that she has gone from being very loving and focused on our family to almost exclusively focusing on her studies and her work. In fact, that was the very complaint that she had about her first husband and one of the main causes of their break up!

I do not expect her in no shape or form to exclude her studies or her work, because both are important for her. Nevertheless, she does not know how to balance having a private life with not only me, but with friends and family members.

As for what it would like, maybe, having a dinner out every other weekend; however, she comes home from work and devotes time to her studies.

My wife will be financially secure with my retirement income, because we planned that she will have my retirement income for the rest of her life. We also have wills and trusts all set up.

As for milestones in her studies, she has constantly been pleased with them, although they create a lot of work.

I am continuously focusing on her so that I listen and validate her. That has not changed since day one of knowing her.

The only time we have together is when she complains about her studies or her work. We have not gone out for a meal since Valentine's Day which she basically said "she wanted to get it over with."

So, "being closer" would be ideal. Having a meal out every other week would be nice. Having a vacation together would be nice. We have not done that in many years, even before her studies.

Essentially, due to her past and due to her obsessions of studying and working, I think she basically is afraid of being close. I have tried my best to be tactful expressing my need to be close, having time with her, but she makes up all kinds of excuses of her studies and her work.