What's next?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm a little confused as to what it all means:

I left him and then wanted him back, got to a really dark place (who amongst us hasn't ay) but I'm doing better now, just a few tears and frustrations here and there.

After the initial not wanting to be with me I asked for a months no contact. After a couple of days (after agreeing) he blocked me on facebook.

Through the break-up he has reached out to my best friend near the beginning, telling him he was talking to someone new but also wish he didn't wake up in the morning. My best friend new I wouldn't be able to handle this at the time so he not tell me.

After 3 weeks of no contact he downloaded snapchat SINCE we broke up and added another of my best friends and posted lots of pictures of him and his new (current) boyfriend. Snapchat has a feature where if you screenshot the picture, it will let him know. Thankfully my friend found a work around and used someone else's phone to literally take a photo of the phone screen.

I left it a few days and then contacted him to say I wish he had told me but I'm bittersweetly happy if he's happy. I acknowledge that sometimes he tried with me but that I didn't take all the blame for everything (he did try to be honest with me at times, at other times he lied to me).

He wrote back that the new guy was unplanned, it just happened. He was on a dating app looking for so I think it's agreed that that was BS.

I then wrote back goodbye and that I want to move on.

He said it was ok and that he hopes I have a good life.

The next day he unblocked me on facebook, but did not try to communicate with me.

I then blocked him the following day.

What can I expect next?

I'm coming to terms that I failed to save him but that I did not fail him. He was failed a long time ago and as much as I care, it's not my place to clean up their mistakes (his condition, not him himself. I don't believe anybody in the world are mistakes, but that people travel a dark path sometimes).

I guess my question is, if people get painted black and white, where do I stand now?

Do they ever let people go? Block him all I like, he knows where I live etc. I don't think he's dangerous, I just don't want him to appear out of the blue when I'm doing well.

I want to concentrate on breaking the cycle of finding comfort in these sorts of people - I just want to find my happiness.

[Cleanglass]

I'm a little confused as to what it all means:

I left him and then wanted him back, got to a really dark place (who amongst us hasn't ay) but I'm doing better now, just a few tears and frustrations here and there.

After the initial not wanting to be with me I asked for a months no contact. After a couple of days (after agreeing) he blocked me on facebook.

Through the break-up he has reached out to my best friend near the beginning, telling him he was talking to someone new but also wish he didn't wake up in the morning. My best friend new I wouldn't be able to handle this at the time so he not tell me.

After 3 weeks of no contact he downloaded snapchat SINCE we broke up and added another of my best friends and posted lots of pictures of him and his new (current) boyfriend. Snapchat has a feature where if you screenshot the picture, it will let him know. Thankfully my friend found a work around and used someone else's phone to literally take a photo of the phone screen.

I left it a few days and then contacted him to say I wish he had told me but I'm bittersweetly happy if he's happy. I acknowledge that sometimes he tried with me but that I didn't take all the blame for everything (he did try to be honest with me at times, at other times he lied to me).

He wrote back that the new guy was unplanned, it just happened. He was on a dating app looking for so I think it's agreed that that was BS.

I then wrote back goodbye and that I want to move on.

He said it was ok and that he hopes I have a good life.

The next day he unblocked me on facebook, but did not try to communicate with me.

I then blocked him the following day.

What can I expect next?

I'm coming to terms that I failed to save him but that I did not fail him. He was failed a long time ago and as much as I care, it's not my place to clean up their mistakes (his condition, not him himself. I don't believe anybody in the world are mistakes, but that people travel a dark path sometimes).

I guess my question is, if people get painted black and white, where do I stand now?

Do they ever let people go? Block him all I like, he knows where I live etc. I don't think he's dangerous, I just don't want him to appear out of the blue when I'm doing well.

I want to concentrate on breaking the cycle of finding comfort in these sorts of people - I just want to find my happiness.

[gotbushels]

Hi Cleanglass 

Going through a breakup like this is frustrating. It looks like that was what it was like before for you. I understand the bittersweet happiness.

I'm coming to terms that I failed to save him but that I did not fail him. He was failed a long time ago and as much as I care, it's not my place to clean up their mistakes (his condition, not him himself. I don't believe anybody in the world are mistakes, but that people travel a dark path sometimes).

Can you see that it wasn't your job to save him? In what way did you not fail him?

I guess my question is, if people get painted black and white, where do I stand now?

That's up to him. This outcome looks like it matters to you. Purely to understand, may I ask why?

Do they ever let people go? Block him all I like, he knows where I live etc. I don't think he's dangerous, I just don't want him to appear out of the blue when I'm doing well.

If he appears out of the blue, what are you afraid will happen?

I want to concentrate on breaking the cycle of finding comfort in these sorts of people - I just want to find my happiness.

You can do both of these. The second one perhaps easier than first. I encourage you to exercise self-compassion during this time.

I look forward to hearing more of your story Cleanglass. 

[Nyla]

 I think sometimes we need to focus on the fact that we saved ourselves. It was never your place to try to save him if he didn't want to be helped. But you made it out with(if your anything like me) some of your own sanity left. Sometimes it's a good day if we accomplished that. Good luck,stay strong and keep believing in yourself.

[Cleanglass]

I feel like everybody is delusioned in life.

Society has termed a feeling as 'love' but nobody really knows what that means. We all have our meanings for it but the reality is we're all people just making connections and creating chemical reactions in our brains.

Everybody is insane really. We go to other people to get help for our problems to be made 'normal' again - but what's normal?

We all like to think we're more normal than BPD people but we all had issues before they came into our lives. I'm not talking dependancy issues, I'm talking pressure from society.

Look at the animal world. When they're out in the open and free they are more normal than any of us. They don't need a code to follow or society's rules. They don't fall in love (although some species to partner up - it's literally a survival thing). Animals feel, sure, but they only have the issues like depression when we trap them and confine them to our way of living.

The truth is, if we stop looking for 'love' in everyone, we'd all be a lot more satisfied and the BPD people wouldn't have to be judged for being different to the rest of us. Maybe they are that way because they are mean't to be like that and they're trapped in society when they should be out and free.

Man created money. Maybe that's why we're all screwed up.

We'd be better off if we didn't learn to talk. If we didn't evolve. Cities and the modern world didn't exist. Just hunt, kill, eat, drink, sex, shelter. Everything should've been based on our basic needs and we created the rest ourselves.

All I'm basically saying is, who here even feels 'normal'?

Because I bloody don't.

It seems to me that if they get to move on this quickly, don't they have the lucky end of this?

[gotbushels]

Oh golly Cleanglass. I'm not sure which question you're answering here, perhaps that means I'm incapable?    Let's try and look at these pieces. Cleanglass probably functions better as a consolidated piece than a broken one.

Yes, to some extent, people can be considered delusional. That also depends on your definition. Yes, love is a concept with several definitions and what can sometimes seem like a hodgepodge of beliefs. We do each have our own meaning an interpretation of it. There are often chemicals involved, sometimes not in our brains.   

Yes, the view that everyone is insane to some extent is thought to have been shared by one of modern psychology's great people. You're right about people going to get help for problems. Many don't actually become normal. The concept of normal is, I think, quite similar to healthy, and is quite difficult to have a consensus definition.

I do like to think I'm more "normal" than pwBPDs. And you're right, most of us are thought to have "issues" before they came into our lives. Not everyone can, will, or is set out to resolve those though.

Yes, animals are out and free and don't often need a code. Some animals do have codes, but they are not actually written. We tend to see this more when animals approach societal structures. E.g. queen ant's job could also be to function as a "BPD waif", but even more extreme! Even if she could validate herself, want to get a job, and change the world, I don't think she can physically leave her room.

You say animals don't fall in love, which depends on your concept of love. No wrongs or rights here.

The truth is, if we stop looking for 'love' in everyone, we'd all be a lot more satisfied and the BPD people wouldn't have to be judged for being different to the rest of us. Maybe they are that way because they are mean't to be like that and they're trapped in society when they should be out and free.

Well first, can you say who specifically is judging? I don't have a personal collection of pwBPDs to put in a fish tank... .

All I'm basically saying is, who here even feels 'normal'?

Because I bloody don't.

It seems to me that if they get to move on this quickly, don't they have the lucky end of this?

I sometimes don't feel normal. I felt a lot less normal around the BP. I felt outright strange. So when you compare yourself to me, don't you think your experience is quite normal?

I don't know if this helps here, but I always suspected my family wasn't normal. That might help to relate to you in case you don't feel normal with or without the pwBPD in your life.

It seems to me that if they get to move on this quickly, don't they have the lucky end of this?

Humans don't need to know about global warming. If humans ignored it, failed to resolve it, changed course, i.e., get to move on this quickly--are we lucky?

[Cleanglass]

Ok I'll admit I wrote that in a low moment and ended up having a break down straight after.

I do feel some of it is true. How we label love and other emotions.

The reality that sunk in this morning and how I can forgive my ex is that he feels everything x100.

I knew this to some degree but I let myself for a moment really feel it.

There was a moment after the break up where I literally wanted to die. Several in fact. But I'm getting through it with help from friends and family (and on a waiting list for councilling and CBT).

BUT I RETRACT MY STATEMENT THAT THEY SHOULD BE HOW THEY ARE.

God to think that he felt what I felt but worse is unimaginable to me. I don't blame him for finding a new guy if that was going to make him feel good. I don't blame him for not considering my feelings when he did it when his emotions feel that strong.

I just wish I could've helped him. Maybe the new guy will. Maybe he's smarter than me .

But all I'll say is don't hate them and treat them like monsters. They're not. Everything they feel is real to them.

You can't hate someone who feels the way they do and desperate to find something that makes them happy.

[Cleanglass]

And I agree, ignorance is not bliss.

I do have one question though:

The help they receive - I haven't seen much on how it works. Any idea?

Has anyone seen someone has received successful treatment?

[gotbushels]

Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder
There's some info Cleanglass. I encourage you to think about your wanting to "save" (your word) another person--think seriously about why you do it. You mentioned yourself that "ignorance is not bliss". Consider this, if you walk into the saving area for someone with a serious mental illness, I'd encourage you to get informed first--it's like walking into a tangle on purpose. To not look very, very seriously at yourself before doing this is basically going in ignorant. You don't want to get spat out the other side finding out you should have looked at yourself first.

There was a moment after the break up where I literally wanted to die. Several in fact. But I'm getting through it with help from friends and family (and on a waiting list for councilling and CBT).

Getting adequate help is good. What's the counselling about?

[Cleanglass]

Oh no I said goodbye to him. He dropped stuff off to my friend's house (the last few things I left there) and that was that.

I mean't when I was there I wish I had more info about his condition. I can't help but feel bad for him. He told me time and time again that he won't be normal or fixed or 'saved' as I like to say. But the truth is, everybody has to save themselves and it wasn't my responsibility to save him.

I know that the new partner is making him happy atm and I know that it won't last. But the truth is, if me being out of the way is making him happy, even if it has a timer on it, then I'm going to let it happen and be genuinely happy for him. It's not easy to be compassionate but I'm going to try and let it happen.

I've been reading a lot of Buddhist quotes and taking a lot of interest in it atm. It really does seem healing (as I'm sure you get with any faith).

And yes, I've analysed and realise that the reason I stayed for so long to 'save' him is because all the time I was distracted with him, I didn't have to work on myself and my own problems. The councilling is to deal with my self-esteem (or lack there of). It was a problem before my ex and it came crashing in when he was gone and that is something I have to deal with for myself.

I'm glad this happened to the extent that I'm finally concentrating on myself - it's a hard walk but I want to finally do it. 

[gotbushels]

I see. I'm glad to see that you have some view about this saving of yours. 

It's difficult to feel happy for an ex partner for being "out of the way". There's often fresh grief and anger in there. I admire your desire to be compassionate even though it's difficult. For me I'm emotionally null when it comes to my ex's happiness. I used to feel angry and used. Now I'm basically overall indifferent. Being happy for someone when they have done something that seems bad to me is quite a tall order.

I'm glad this happened to the extent that I'm finally concentrating on myself - it's a hard walk but I want to finally do it. 

Great to hear Cleanglass. Members that go on to look inward and explore seem to get helpful and lasting change.

[Cleanglass]

I think I can be happy for him in a truely bittersweet way because no matter how much he try to get at me (and I believe he was trying to get at me through other people) I know it is coming from a hurt place of something that was done to him so long ago. So if he can feel a shred of happiness in all the hurt, even at my expense (or so he thinks - I won't let it hurt me anymore. NC truely helps with this) then I'll let him carry on.

I had a big breakdown last night with my family and best friend and I realise that I have so much that he doesn't. A family that cares enough to take me seriously.

I think the lesson is that I can't be everything he needed me to be because nobody can be. Nobody can take away the pain or carry it for them. IT ends up with just two people hurting instead.

Each time I cry I feel a release and motivation with my life.

My advice is stop fighting the tears. People cry to release. Go with it.

[gotbushels]

I had a big breakdown last night with my family and best friend and I realise that I have so much that he doesn't. A family that cares enough to take me seriously.

Yes, we often have much more than they do, we just need to know where to pay attention.

My advice is stop fighting the tears. People cry to release. Go with it.

Yes, sometimes the sorrow can produce motivation and resolve. I'm glad this has been your experience of it Cleanglass.