What's his deal?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi!
I've been NC with my ex since the end of June. He discarded me randomly with silent treatment which has caused a lot of pain for me. However not having to see him over the summer really helped me out and put me on a road to a healthier place. When September came, I had to start seeing him again for reasons I can't avoid. It was awkward and I was full of anxiety that first day. He did small talk with me a few days in, i spoke politely and was indifferent, to show i didnt care, even though i do care a great deal still. since then I have not acknowledged him there, usually hell stand beside me or park near me etc which drives me crazy and makes it that much more awkward.  I have noticed though he lingers to see if I will speak with him, but won't initiate. At least that's the feeling I get. It bothers me that each day is different, I never know what to expect and while I am ignoring and showing it doesn't bother me, it drives me absolutely crazy! Why did he approach me with small talk like things were perfect between us after 2 months? Is this normal behavior? I won't chase this guy anymore, I fell so hard for him and in the end I felt used and empty by him.  But I'm still recovering from this pain and seeing him doesn't make it any better.
If he wants to talk to me why doesn't he just do so? I feel like he's crazy making again. Or is this just me over analyzing?ugh

[Puzzledpieces]

Hi!
I've been NC with my ex since the end of June. He discarded me randomly with silent treatment which has caused a lot of pain for me. However not having to see him over the summer really helped me out and put me on a road to a healthier place. When September came, I had to start seeing him again for reasons I can't avoid. It was awkward and I was full of anxiety that first day. He did small talk with me a few days in, i spoke politely and was indifferent, to show i didnt care, even though i do care a great deal still. since then I have not acknowledged him there, usually hell stand beside me or park near me etc which drives me crazy and makes it that much more awkward.  I have noticed though he lingers to see if I will speak with him, but won't initiate. At least that's the feeling I get. It bothers me that each day is different, I never know what to expect and while I am ignoring and showing it doesn't bother me, it drives me absolutely crazy! Why did he approach me with small talk like things were perfect between us after 2 months? Is this normal behavior? I won't chase this guy anymore, I fell so hard for him and in the end I felt used and empty by him.  But I'm still recovering from this pain and seeing him doesn't make it any better.
If he wants to talk to me why doesn't he just do so? I feel like he's crazy making again. Or is this just me over analyzing?ugh

[joeramabeme]

Hi Puzzledpieces,

This must be difficult and awkward to have to re-initiate contact after such a long absence.  Glad you have had time to get some perspective.

I have noticed though he lingers to see if I will speak with him, but won't initiate. At least that's the feeling I get.  . . . is this just me over analyzing?ugh

I can remember feeling just the way you described here with my ex at the end; I was the "lingering" one.  I felt so insecure of myself, no idea what to say, or how to behave.  I am sure he has his own reasons for doing this but I don't see anything inherently BPD in this behavior.  I am sure it is awkward for him - as it is for you too.

Has he given any overtures about wanting to reconnect with you?

[Puzzledpieces]

The back story to all of this is more telling to the disorder than his behavior now. I see more NPD in him than BPD but I end up seeing traits in both so it keeps me kind of crazy. There was a lot of silent treatment and emotional abuse involved in the time we were seeing each other. I've suffered a lot so seeing him again wasn't too exciting for me. I too feel like you did, unsure how to behave etc when you're around them. I always tell myself to act indifferent and not show i care but it all seems to fade from my mind in the moment when  see him and I feel awkward.  I just get that weird feeling that he's testing waters with me, and wanting me to chase him or in the very least show interest in some way that I'm hurting still, simply for an ego boost. He knew I was crazy about him, and I try my best to act like I don't care anymore.  I just don't get why he he'd even approach me to have a casual convo like we use to, after all he's done to me. I would be ashamed to if the tables were turned.  I just struggle with wondering why :/

[joeramabeme]

I just struggle with wondering why :/

Ya, I do too.  Some days I think I get it and others I am simply confused.  I have spent many hours and tears wondering how and why.  The answer for me, was in large part that I was in denial that my ex had a disorder; I would not accept it.  Perhaps there was an element of self preservation in needing to take that defense.  A fight to hold to the belief that she would snap out of it and come back to the person I fell in love with and still love to this day. 

I really had to keep reading and re-reading the literature.  Each time I went back over it there was a slight movement in my mind; how could this all resonate so much and her not be BPD?  Even still, it has been a very gradual and still ongoing process to accept my ex has BPD/NPD traits. 

The more acceptance I gained of the BPD, the more acceptance I had to have that it is almost a guarantee that she will never change and that I simply would not have been able to live a happy life if we were still together or got back together. 

And I guess this is why my marriage ended for me.  I did not end it, but I have to admit that what I did clearly stated that I could not accept the way things were between the two of us - despite wanting to be able to.  She saw that and despite all the chaos she caused - she used this as an "excuse" to exit as it was the only reason that will probably ever make sense to her as to why the marriage was not working.

So, I think the answer to the question "why" is because BPD is an emotional disorder that we cannot fix with all the love that our hearts can muster.  At least that is what I have found for my case.

 

[Mutt]

Hi Puzzledpieces,

I have noticed though he lingers to see if I will speak with him, but won't initiate. At least that's the feeling I get.

I don't think that you're overanalyzing. That's good that you're looking for a different take, that being said, that feeling is your intuition, I suggest listen to it, your intuition supports and guides you. I get the feeling that he's standing / parking close so that it will give him an opportunity to talk to you . Have you thought about what your boundary is if he initiates a conversation?

[myself]

Maybe he's fishing for the kind of attention where, if he is feeling bad about himself (and how he was with you), and your response shows you are 'ok' with him, it'll help him feel more 'ok' about himself?

[Puzzledpieces]

Thanks for the replies everyone. They're greatly appreciated.  I have been approached once by him a week ago, his opener was a comment on my new vehicle and it was a casual conversation that any 2 strangers or old friends would have. I find it weird that the ending of our relationship, his silent treatment ending to our relationship I should say, didn't effect his choice to come talk to me. Like it was completely forgotten.  I think it's mostly awkward because he does stand near me and I feel almost obligated to say hi because I'm not rude but I chose not to for my own reasons, and because of it he usually doesn't speak either.  Back when he use to give me ST I would chase him to find out what the heck happened, and I stopped doing that because it got me no where. Eventually he'd cave and we'd just start a new like it never happened.  But I got tired of that. One major thing that struck me as weird when I was looking into this behavior was his lack of empathy. I stupidly got pregnant when we were together and lost it, and it didn't faze him at all and he didn't wanna talk about it or anything I ever felt. He would run when I would push for more commitment from him, he is constantly on dating sites searching for some form of validation. It was early in our "relationship" when this bothered me, and I felt it was too early to make a big deal out of it. But after time I realized he was really just until FWB type situations, but because of his intense love bombing (which btw my intuiton felt this was strange so early on, and i chose to ignore it) in the beginning it threw me off. This roller coaster cost me a lot of sanity, some self esteem and my heart.  I find it extremely hard to see him daily again, and I feel like it really pushes me back from the progress I had felt I was making over the summer. 

I haven't decided what my boundary would be if he talked to me, I suppose I would speak with him because I'm weak, but I've promised myself I'll never initiate it. While I can't say I love him, I definitely care about him a great deal and for that reason his presence really affects me  

He's a quiet homebody type of guy. A covert N if he is one at all, i dont know... .I suppose my idea of him being the quiet home body type guy blinded me when I realized in the end what I really got! It's hard to accept all this, it makes me feel friggen crazy and leaves me with a lot of cognitive  dissonance.