Why does he rewrite history?

[Larmoyant]

This is one of a number of texts I received from my ex today:

“I remember you finishing with me in hospital and collapsing at home falling through a window in the bathroom and lying there bewildered why I was alone”.

I didn’t finish with him whilst he was in hospital. He’s never mentioned falling through a window bewildered. He seems to be rewriting history. We finished because I just couldn’t take the abuse anymore. I agreed to talk with the view to resolving our issues, however ‘our’ issues became ‘my’ issues and if I wasn’t prepared to accept that and stop all the nonsense  then he would be forced to date other women which he subsequently did.

It’s becoming clearer and clearer that his thinking is disordered and that there is nothing I can do to help him see how much I care for him. It’s heartbreaking.  

[JerryRG]

Hello Larmoyant

I agree and I've witnessed this myself with my exgf, it is heartbreaking that they live in a world we are not able to relate to or help with. You are showing great compassion for your ex and I applaud you for this gift.

Because my exgf had moments of health, clarity I used to get so upset with her, my expectations were beyond her ability but in my defence she did try to impress me and I just refused to see a broken person instead of the dream girl I manufacturer in my mind.

Hope things get better for you.

[Larmoyant]

Hi Jerry, it’s so incredibly sad. All I wanted to do was to love him and he can’t seem to trust it. Like you, I can see that my expectations were way beyond his ability, but they string you along anyway. I thought he was my dream man too. It’s so heartbreaking, it seems like he’s drowning and trying to take me with him. He almost did!

[Reforming]

Hi Larmoyant,

Your circumstances sound very difficult right now - my heart goes out to you.

I appreciate your ex is going through a tough time as well but his behaviour does sound extremely unhealthy. My suggestion is try and not engage with his accusations. And if his behaviour is destructive or damaging to you - and it sounds like it is - perhaps the healthy thing to do is to step back and disengage - at least for a while.

Do you think remaining in contact is helping him? Is it helping you? Sometimes despite the best of intentions partners or ex partners can trigger each other and get sucked into a cycle of destructive behaviour.

It sounds like you'e realised that being around him right now isn't healthy for you and you're struggling to close the door. A lot of us here struggled too. It's can be hard but it's definitely possible and it does get easier with time.

You deserve the space and security to heal and build a happier and healthier life. Prioritising your own self care is one of the healthiest things you can do.

Reforming

[seenr]

I've experienced this many many times.

A (usually massive) row begins and things are said. Afterwards, the 1-2 things I said are completely magnified and the 20 disgraceful/hurtful things she said are minimised, resulting in her being a victim of me the abuser. I find it very difficult to cope with the distorted reality and it was something I clashed with her a lot on.

And I know exactly how you feel. You know what happened and you are probably blinking at the phone thinking 'what the hell?'

It is difficult to accept that they actually believe this stuff.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Larmoyant,

Here's a definition of delusion:

"an idiosyncratic belief or impression maintained despite being contradicted by reality or rational argument, typically as a symptom of mental disorder"

The thing is, he can't help being out of touch with reality and nothing you can say or do is ever going to change it. I don't think he'll be doing it on purpose, that's what makes abusive men who also have mental disorders so dangerous. One time, when my BPDxbf was at my house, he had a 'memory' of witnessing a young girl in a red coat being murdered. He relived it infront of my eyes. Then he relived his father and some of his father's friends executing the murderer for his dastardly deed. I checked the internet for child murder cases. Needless to say, there's no evidence to back up his memory but he reacted emotionally as if it really was true. He was utterly distressed as he went through the 'memory', yet it wasn't real. Even my BPDxbf checked the internet to see if it was real and came back to me saying it wasn't.

How are you getting on with the book "Why does he do that?"

Love Lifewriter

[jhkbuzz]

This is one of a number of texts I received from my ex today:

“I remember you finishing with me in hospital and collapsing at home falling through a window in the bathroom and lying there bewildered why I was alone”.

I didn’t finish with him whilst he was in hospital. He’s never mentioned falling through a window bewildered. He seems to be rewriting history. We finished because I just couldn’t take the abuse anymore. I agreed to talk with the view to resolving our issues, however ‘our’ issues became ‘my’ issues and if I wasn’t prepared to accept that and stop all the nonsense  then he would be forced to date other women which he subsequently did.

It’s becoming clearer and clearer that his thinking is disordered and that there is nothing I can do to help him see how much I care for him. It’s heartbreaking.  

Yes, that's what makes BPD a disorder, isn't it? Disordered thinking, disordered thought processes. And it's so difficult for partners because not EVERYTHING is disordered - there are episodes of clarity and lucidity. I know that's what made me question myself so much.

It's very sad, but it's good that you're recognizing it. For me, it was the "accepting it" part that took a while.

[Larmoyant]

Hi Reforming, yes, things are hard right now. I’m trying to get back on my feet. I’ve moved recently and he doesn’t know where I am and it's given me a chance to stop and think. I haven’t been able to go fully nc though because it’s too painful. I don’t initiate contact and won’t, but I’m open to his. It’s sad because I feel so relieved when he makes contact, but at the same time it’s full of the same insults, nasty insinuations, as always. I feel damaged all over again tonight, but at the same time reading his words makes me realise just how disturbed he is.

I know it’s best to disengage, but it’s so difficult. I feel very alone... I did get drawn back into conflict today, but not quite as much as before. At times, I was able to step back, although that tell-tale knot in my stomach and heart racing was still there. It’s not good, not healthy. I know.  He clearly can’t let go either, and maybe hasn't found a replacement yet. I know he's been trying.

My problem, I think, is that I keep trying to understand. Keep thinking that I can help him. But, I’ve taken on board what you said. I need to prioritise my own care. If I go back what’s going to be left of me. I’m not catastrophizing, it’s true and I know it.

Hi seenr, that was only one of several texts tonight that had me looking at the phone thinking wth! Throughout all of them he is the victim of a terrible, horrible person. If I was him I’d never speak to me again!

Hi Lifewriter, more and more I’m realising that he’s mentally disordered and is dangerous to my welfare. I’ve been reading the book, cannot put it down actually, because he is jumping out of every page. It’s becoming increasingly clearer to me that nothing I can do will change it. Yet, I still can’t block

him   Tonight, I’m reeling from his attacks, but at one point I thought I had a small breakthrough when I asked him could he please stop insulting me, he said ok only to go on and insult me again  :'( Back to the book for me. This is a struggle.

jhkbuzz, I agree, it's the times when he appears lucid that make me hold on. It's so confusing. I've only just started to realise just how disordered he really is. The puzzle pieces are coming together, however, I agree recognizing it and accepting it are two different things.

[schwing]

Hi Larmoyant,

... .It’s sad because I feel so relieved when he makes contact, but at the same time it’s full of the same insults, nasty insinuations, as always. I feel damaged all over again tonight, but at the same time reading his words makes me realise just how disturbed he is.

His insults and nasty insinuations are a sign of his distorted thinking, which is one of his defense mechanisms.  What he is defending himself from?  For one thing, his splitting (black and white thinking).  When one "splits" people, this can include themselves; so once he accepts that he did something he is ashamed of, or that he would judge as a negative quality, then this would lead to self-devaluation.  When he devalues himself, he thinks of himself as worthless, horrible, etc... . And this can only go on for so long before his defense mechanisms kicks in.  And so when he is overwhelmed with devaluing himself, he projects upon you.  So instead of hating himself, he hates you.

My problem, I think, is that I keep trying to understand. Keep thinking that I can help him.

I wonder if what you're experiencing is a bit of trauma bonding and/or Stockholm's syndrome.  I think you're having trouble accepting that there is little to nothing you can do for his situation; you cannot save someone from themselves.  While you were with him, this kind of thinking probably saved you from some pain; he could see that you were sincere about your concern for him and that would give him pause because it would conflict with his distorted thinking.  While you were with him, this was *your* defense mechanism.

But now that you're trying to disengage from him, this hyper vigilant focus on his situation, his interest is getting in the way of your care.  Intellectually, I'm sure this makes sense to you.  But what you're struggling with are emotional bonds.  And with sufficiently intense emotions will override the intellect.

It’s becoming increasingly clearer to me that nothing I can do will change it. Yet, I still can’t block him

You can block him.  It's just really hard to do it for now.  Once you start blocking him and maintain that distance/separation, it'll get easier.  Just keep in mind that each time you allow contact with him, you may be strengthening your bond to him not weakening it.

Best wishes, Schwing

[Larmoyant]

I wonder if what you're experiencing is a bit of trauma bonding and/or Stockholm's syndrome.  I think you're having trouble accepting that there is little to nothing you can do for his situation; you cannot save someone from themselves.  While you were with him, this kind of thinking probably saved you from some pain; he could see that you were sincere about your concern for him and that would give him pause because it would conflict with his distorted thinking.  While you were with him, this was *your* defense mechanism.

I'm most definitely experiencing trauma, but my therapist is helping me. It's also true that I'm having a lot of trouble accepting there's nothing I can do. Can you please elaborate a little more on the above? Why would my concern for him conflict with his distorted thinking?

But now that you're trying to disengage from him, this hyper vigilant focus on his situation, his interest is getting in the way of your care.  Intellectually, I'm sure this makes sense to you.  But what you're struggling with are emotional bonds.  And with sufficiently intense emotions will override the intellect.

This hits the nail on the head. It makes a lot of sense. It feels like a massive struggle.

You can block him.  It's just really hard to do it for now.  Once you start blocking him and maintain that distance/separation, it'll get easier.  Just keep in mind that each time you allow contact with him, you may be strengthening your bond to him not weakening it.



Now I've moved house it feels as if it's getting easier, but I still can't seem to let it all go. Given his latest insults/gaslighting I've been angry/hurt which has helped, but it's dissipating and now it's the return of the yearning/hurt. This must be the trauma bonds and I think you may be right.

Thank you for this Schwing, it makes sense and I appreciate it.

[schwing]

I wonder if what you're experiencing is a bit of trauma bonding and/or Stockholm's syndrome.  I think you're having trouble accepting that there is little to nothing you can do for his situation; you cannot save someone from themselves.  While you were with him, this kind of thinking probably saved you from some pain; he could see that you were sincere about your concern for him and that would give him pause because it would conflict with his distorted thinking.  While you were with him, this was *your* defense mechanism.

I'm most definitely experiencing trauma, but my therapist is helping me. It's also true that I'm having a lot of trouble accepting there's nothing I can do. Can you please elaborate a little more on the above? Why would my concern for him conflict with his distorted thinking?

I imagine that while you were with him, whenever he started to devalue and perhaps rage against you, your sincerity and concern for him always contradicted his devaluing of you.  When he devalued you, he believe you were an awful person, plotting to abandon him, plotting to betray him -- this is probably at the heart of all his complaints toward you.  But how could someone who appears very sincere and concerned toward be capable of doing what he imagined you were doing?  That was the conflict.  And probably when he recognized that conflict, it interrupted his devaluing of you.  Or at least once his emotional anger subsided, it allowed him to stop devaluing you and thus he remained with you.

You see the *idealization* and *devalution* that occurs in a BPD relationship happened throughout the relationship (I believe) it's just that in the early stages, the devaluation didn't last very long or were very very short.  And as the relationship persisted, as their disordered feelings grew (due to the increase in familiarity/intimacy) the devaluation lasted longer.  Until towards the end, we don't see the idealization (just as we didn't see the devaluation at the beginning) anymore.

[Larmoyant]

When he devalued you, he believe you were an awful person, plotting to abandon him, plotting to betray him -- this is probably at the heart of all his complaints toward you. 

Wow, thank you so much. This explains such a lot. When I reflect back on his complaints and accusations they were, still are, mostly about me and other men.  He was hypervigilant to the extreme when we were out, even punched a man once, and it got to the stage where I was scared to look around. Also, he’d frequently start an argument even before we went out. I remember trying so hard to reassure him that he was the only one I wanted. Still is the only one I want. This is so incredibly sad.

Immediately I learn something like this I suddenly think ‘ok, now I understand more maybe I can change things, adapt my reaction/behaviour or something’. Increasingly though I realise that I’m way out of my depth here. I don’t think I could change anything and that hurts a lot.

It does however, make me curious to know how people cope with accusations of cheating, etc, because I found them so incredibly hurtful and they cut to the core of my being. It’s not who I am and I didn’t want any other man. How can you stay with someone who constantly sees you as the bad guy who is going to run off with someone else and hurt him/her? Maybe I’ll ask that on the improving/staying board.

[seenr]

Hi Larmoyant

The accusations of cheating were draining. Over a number of years I was accused of being a flirt, wanting other women, the lot. I was accused of cheating while she was pregnant (I attended a work dinner, sat with 20 people & her friend saw me go to the restroom) and to top it all off I had our Christmas party in another city last year, got public transportation to it and got changed in one of my workmates house - accused of cheating there too.

In 8 years I never did and never would.

While we were apart 18 months ago I did meet someone else and stayed the night with them. I told her this when we got back together so I could be honest and have a fresh start. It cropped up a lot in rows ... .

Then one day about two days before we split she said 'I know you'd never dream of cheating'.

Why all the accusations then?

Crazy.

[Larmoyant]

Hi Larmoyant

The accusations of cheating were draining. Over a number of years I was accused of being a flirt, wanting other women, the lot. I was accused of cheating while she was pregnant (I attended a work dinner, sat with 20 people & her friend saw me go to the restroom) and to top it all off I had our Christmas party in another city last year, got public transportation to it and got changed in one of my workmates house - accused of cheating there too.

In 8 years I never did and never would.

While we were apart 18 months ago I did meet someone else and stayed the night with them. I told her this when we got back together so I could be honest and have a fresh start. It cropped up a lot in rows ... .

Then one day about two days before we split she said 'I know you'd never dream of cheating'.

Why all the accusations then?

Crazy.

This is my experience too! One minute I was running of with half of Australia and the next he knew I'd never cheat on him. It's so confusing.

[myself]

You see the *idealization* and *devalution* that occurs in a BPD relationship happened throughout the relationship (I believe) it's just that in the early stages, the devaluation didn't last very long or were very very short.  And as the relationship persisted, as their disordered feelings grew (due to the increase in familiarity/intimacy) the devaluation lasted longer.  Until towards the end, we don't see the idealization (just as we didn't see the devaluation at the beginning) anymore.

  

I'd add that since most of this, to them, is really mostly about them, it seems the idealization at first and the devaluation later is also really mostly about how they're viewing and dealing with themselves.