What happend to my Life?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello. I'm a 40yo French woman. 3,5 years ago, i met a married Man (44yo/ 20y of mariage, 3 kids now âged 22/16)Il was love t first sight. We fought against what was happening but it happend. We began a relationship, wonderful, like we hâve always known each other. He told me i was the girl he dreamed of.A few months after, i fell accidentaly prégnant. He left me. And after a while, said he loved me and would raise our daughter with me.

When she was born far From Home by accident (a Tiny preemy) i almost died. We stayed un Hospital for 1,5 month.her father did not come. He still sais j'hésite loved us more than anything but He met her 2,5 months after. When she was one, he decided he would tell the truth.

Last september, he left His wife. At first, it was great. And then everything began fallind appart. He was not living with us, but really often withdrew. Séveral days, We had great moments othewise . November, il could not reach him for séveral days, no news. Same for Christmas. Dis not answer questions. Everytime he ended saying His daughter and i were His force and Hope. With the boys, ans wife, everything seemed complicated. Still, discussions about the future were tough. I asked if something was wrong. Regrets? Je said je sad for no reason. Terribly Empty. He began a therapy and à médication.
Did no seem to Want to Go back to His wife.
February : after a wonderful week end abroad, à minor arguement turned into a nightmare. He left  in the middle of the night. One month, no news. Terrifying. In the end, we began à couple therapy. He was happy with that. We had à Nice Life, even infos, week ends, gifts, love. But still, quite often, what seemed to ne minor misunderstandings to me bécame huge issues.

And then, i fell prégnant and knew really soon i would miscarry. He was quitte supportive. Said he would like to hâve another kid with me. As the miscarriage was about to happen, i went for à week end to His mother. My dughter and i were invited t a religious cérémony by friends of my former mariage (which ended peacefully- m'y ex was here - my companion aware and ok).

He left saying he loved us -daughter and i. We could rely on him.
Hesent love messages on Sunday morning. And then... .Nothing. He legt me alone, suffering with the miscarriage ans my daughter...
My friends had to Come. The n'est days he sent  à bunch of mails saying i was kidnapping His Life. Délirious reproaches.

I could not believe what was happening. , I saw him
Since. First encounter, he was raging but i could rationalise, calm him down. Je éventualily said he loved me. Spent a week sending pics of him, kids, messages (short) to His daughter and i. The day of our daughter birthday, he said he aimes to be with us soon. Said he loved us. A few days after, à new encounter As à total disaster. He was So So angey it lasted less than  5 minutes. I could not even talk about the birthday party for our daughter. He left. He was like someone else.The next day i made a call to His psychiatrist. I was so upset... I was So worried!... And now he says he hired a lawyer . It took him two weekend to Ruin our lives. Noé he says he doesńt love me Any more. Cold as ice. Where is the elegant, lovely and fantastic guy i knew? And NOW? I feel destroyed. Help me

[Hema]

Hello. I'm a 40yo French woman. 3,5 years ago, i met a married Man (44yo/ 20y of mariage, 3 kids now âged 22/16)Il was love t first sight. We fought against what was happening but it happend. We began a relationship, wonderful, like we hâve always known each other. He told me i was the girl he dreamed of.A few months after, i fell accidentaly prégnant. He left me. And after a while, said he loved me and would raise our daughter with me.

When she was born far From Home by accident (a Tiny preemy) i almost died. We stayed un Hospital for 1,5 month.her father did not come. He still sais j'hésite loved us more than anything but He met her 2,5 months after. When she was one, he decided he would tell the truth.

Last september, he left His wife. At first, it was great. And then everything began fallind appart. He was not living with us, but really often withdrew. Séveral days, We had great moments othewise . November, il could not reach him for séveral days, no news. Same for Christmas. Dis not answer questions. Everytime he ended saying His daughter and i were His force and Hope. With the boys, ans wife, everything seemed complicated. Still, discussions about the future were tough. I asked if something was wrong. Regrets? Je said je sad for no reason. Terribly Empty. He began a therapy and à médication.
Did no seem to Want to Go back to His wife.
February : after a wonderful week end abroad, à minor arguement turned into a nightmare. He left  in the middle of the night. One month, no news. Terrifying. In the end, we began à couple therapy. He was happy with that. We had à Nice Life, even infos, week ends, gifts, love. But still, quite often, what seemed to ne minor misunderstandings to me bécame huge issues.

And then, i fell prégnant and knew really soon i would miscarry. He was quitte supportive. Said he would like to hâve another kid with me. As the miscarriage was about to happen, i went for à week end to His mother. My dughter and i were invited t a religious cérémony by friends of my former mariage (which ended peacefully- m'y ex was here - my companion aware and ok).

He left saying he loved us -daughter and i. We could rely on him.
Hesent love messages on Sunday morning. And then... .Nothing. He legt me alone, suffering with the miscarriage ans my daughter...
My friends had to Come. The n'est days he sent  à bunch of mails saying i was kidnapping His Life. Délirious reproaches.

I could not believe what was happening. , I saw him
Since. First encounter, he was raging but i could rationalise, calm him down. Je éventualily said he loved me. Spent a week sending pics of him, kids, messages (short) to His daughter and i. The day of our daughter birthday, he said he aimes to be with us soon. Said he loved us. A few days after, à new encounter As à total disaster. He was So So angey it lasted less than  5 minutes. I could not even talk about the birthday party for our daughter. He left. He was like someone else.The next day i made a call to His psychiatrist. I was so upset... I was So worried!... And now he says he hired a lawyer . It took him two weekend to Ruin our lives. Noé he says he doesńt love me Any more. Cold as ice. Where is the elegant, lovely and fantastic guy i knew? And NOW? I feel destroyed. Help me

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Hema-

Welcome to our BPD family.  I am very sorry for all of the pain and confusion that you have suffered.  I am hoping that your daughter is healthy and I am so sorry that you had to go through the pain of childbirth and healing from that, and then your miscarriage by yourself.  From the sound of your man's drastic behavior swings, it does sound like he has some BPD traits, although we cannot make a diagnosis.  We are here to support you in any way that we can.  Most of us here have experienced the rages, anger and abandonment that you have, although your experience is particularly painful because of the babies.  So I want to acknowledge that with a loving and open heart to you.

There are many women in our community who have been abandoned with small children and infants.  With time, patience, and understanding, you WILL find the strength and support to heal and find yourself again.  It will be difficult, but have faith that you WILL heal and recover.

This is a time for you to gather the support of your good friends around you.  Please be open about your feelings with your friends and family.  They will come to your side to assist you.

This forum is a place where you can learn about BPD.  I understand and can almost feel how deep your pain runs.  There is no understanding how a person can do what he has done to you.  People with BPD do not feel love the way that we do.  BPD is a serious mental illness, and no matter how hard we try to "fix" our partners, we cannot.  We cannot heal them.  The love we have for them is never enough.  The person they initially present to us is not real - that is their "hook", and we can spend years waiting for that wonderful man to return, but he won't, because he never really existed in the first place.  That is unfortunately a part of the personality disorder.  By reading on this forum, you'll better understand what has happened to you.

The important thing for you is to care for yourself and your child, in whatever form that takes.  You must try to do what you can to take care of yourself.  I don't understand why he has contacted an attorney.  Can you explain that?  Do you have family or close friends who can assist you? 

I know it is devastating, but try NOT to listen to his words.  BPD people will say things to inflict maximum pain and effect sometimes to protect themselves if they find they are in too deep.  There is NO explanation.  It is an illness.  You are NOT the crazy one, please understand that.  I know it doesn't feel that way right now.  Your tears and pain are real.  Please try to allow yourself to have some peace.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Mutt]

Hi Helma,



I'd like to join Gemsforetes and welcome you to BOD. I'm sorry to hear that. It has to be difficult to go through a miscarriage and your pwBPD pushes you away. This is a place where you share with being invalidated or judged. You're not alone

I'd like to echo Gemsfor eyes, we're not doctors and cannot diagnose, only a professional can do that! What we can look at are BPD traits.

I suggest to read as much Aas you can about the disorder, it will help normalize BPD and it will you to depersonalize the behaviour, there is a reason that your pwBPD acts the way that he does, it's something that a pwBPD are going through, it's not personal to us. Obviously you can have your feelings about it and again I'd like to echo Gemsforeyes, it helps to get those feeling and thoughts validated with people like you that share similar experiences.

Do you have an update?