Always has a different opinion from mine.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,

When you have a partner, I guess the normal thing would be that you could count on her like you would count on any friend to hear you stories about what happen to you on your work, any problem you had with a colleague or with your boss, etc. Sometimes you need to tell these stories to anyone just to feel a little more relieved. And I suppose that my wife could and should be that person.

From my experience, my wife ("high-functioning BPD), likes to relieve herself this way, by telling me all the bad things that happen to her on a normal day at her job, her conflicts with colleagues, bosses, etc... . (always the victim by the way). She is always complaining about how hard her job is and how bad and unfair some of her colleagues and bosses are... .

Although sometimes I just feel that she makes a storm out of every little thing that happens in her life and in her job, I keep validating her feelings and hearing her to help her feeling relieved. I try not to judge her and to be her friend and be there to hear and support her (has I do to all my friends).

Nonetheless, when I try to tell her my stories and relieve myself from anything that happened in my job with my bosses or any colleague, I always feel that she ends up invalidating me and my feelings. Many of the times she takes my colleagues or my boss side and criticizes me and my opinion. It is like she does it on purpose.

I now know that it is best to keep my feeling inside or relieve them with a friend because if I try to tell her anything to get relive, I normally end up more nervous and frustrated than before, and most probably with a big argue with her... .

I also feel an enormous lack of empathy to me about my job and how hard it is form me sometimes. Nonetheless she knows I’m always there for her when things gat hard for her in her job!

If you substitute the word “job” by “friends” or “family” it is just the same. I mean, no matter what is the subject about you are trying to get relieve and comfort from her just by hearing you and validating your feelings, you always end up feeling more invalidated and frustrated than before talking to her…

Does this also happen to you with your BPD spouses? It is very frustrating because It makes me feel very much alone…And there is nothing more sad than feeling alone when you are actually accompanied by a spouse. I’m getting more and more resentment against her…

Thanks

Pancho

[panchito]

Hi,

When you have a partner, I guess the normal thing would be that you could count on her like you would count on any friend to hear you stories about what happen to you on your work, any problem you had with a colleague or with your boss, etc. Sometimes you need to tell these stories to anyone just to feel a little more relieved. And I suppose that my wife could and should be that person.

From my experience, my wife ("high-functioning BPD), likes to relieve herself this way, by telling me all the bad things that happen to her on a normal day at her job, her conflicts with colleagues, bosses, etc... . (always the victim by the way). She is always complaining about how hard her job is and how bad and unfair some of her colleagues and bosses are... .

Although sometimes I just feel that she makes a storm out of every little thing that happens in her life and in her job, I keep validating her feelings and hearing her to help her feeling relieved. I try not to judge her and to be her friend and be there to hear and support her (has I do to all my friends).

Nonetheless, when I try to tell her my stories and relieve myself from anything that happened in my job with my bosses or any colleague, I always feel that she ends up invalidating me and my feelings. Many of the times she takes my colleagues or my boss side and criticizes me and my opinion. It is like she does it on purpose.

I now know that it is best to keep my feeling inside or relieve them with a friend because if I try to tell her anything to get relive, I normally end up more nervous and frustrated than before, and most probably with a big argue with her... .

I also feel an enormous lack of empathy to me about my job and how hard it is form me sometimes. Nonetheless she knows I’m always there for her when things gat hard for her in her job!

If you substitute the word “job” by “friends” or “family” it is just the same. I mean, no matter what is the subject about you are trying to get relieve and comfort from her just by hearing you and validating your feelings, you always end up feeling more invalidated and frustrated than before talking to her…

Does this also happen to you with your BPD spouses? It is very frustrating because It makes me feel very much alone…And there is nothing more sad than feeling alone when you are actually accompanied by a spouse. I’m getting more and more resentment against her…

Thanks

Pancho

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Seneca]

hey Pancho, yes this happens to us. I always called him "devil's advocate", because it doesn't matter what the subject is, whether we are talking about the days events or something like politics or religion, he ALWAYS takes the opposing viewpoint... . no matter how little sense it makes. but he really only does this with me. as far as being empathetic, i think that he sees me as subhuman in some way, but it is really their complete lack of empathy.

there is a part of the brain, the amygdala (spelling?) i believe that controls self referential thought. brain scans show that people with BPD's amygdala is over active, meaning they perceive things that have nothing to do with them, to be about them. they are always in the "how does this effect ME?" mode. they also struggle with objectification of their partners. yes, this can mean objectifying the body, but more broadly, it equates to seeing the partner as a THING, an object to meet their own needs. Not as a person with needs themselves. does that make sense?

you are understandably protective of yourself. i am too. she is not careful of your "precious things" - your inner self. the part that is sensitive, the part that has fears, hopes, and dreams. they are not careful with these aspects of us, they cannot be. worse, they will store this information and use it against you to hurt you in some future argument. unfortunately there are only two ways of dealing with this - get a thicker skin, or stop sharing intimacies with her. find someone else (preferably a man, lest she get any paranoid ideas) who can be a confidant, or hire a therapist for yourself. so sorry you have to deal with this. 

[panchito]

Hi Seneca.

You are so right! Thanks for your words. Sometimes it does seem very sad not to be able to shere your feelings with your spouse! Keeping it all inside!

About what you told that  "they will store this information and use it against you to hurt you in some future argument" it is so damn true! The few times she gets near of what I would consider "my feelings validation", she ends up making me feel a lot worse some days later when she dares to use this recently accuired information about me and my feelings to use it against me in the most cruel way. It is like if she detects a possible vulnerability on my resistance to external agressions, so she cannot resist taking advantage of this discoverd flaw on my defense system to hurt me the best she can. Even if she has to contradict herself about what she told me about the same matter just 1 day before.

The funny thing is that when the argue ends and we get ok again, then she says she didn't mean all those awful things she said and that I shoudn't take it serious what she told me during our argument... . Because "nobody does".

Of course, the moment she starts splitting aggain, we start arguing again, and all the cycle starts again... .

[maxsterling]

YES!  This exact scenario happens to me.  First of all, 90% of her conversation is negative and complaining about something.  Her job, her friends, inanimate objects, the neighbors, her family, anything.  She makes it sound like nothing ever goes right in her life - ever.  Actually, I can't think of the last time I came home from work and she didn't have something negative to say about her day.  I think it has been at least since last April.

She can complain left and right about someone.  And if I don't validate her side of things, she's upset.  For example, if she was telling me something bad that happened between her and her boss, and I replied, "I understand that you are frustrated, but he needs to do his job, too," that would be cause for a major blowout.  Yet, if I start talking about frustrations with my family or my job, she is quick to have negative opinions about those family members, or reply with a bunch of "you should... . " comments (invalidations).  And like you, I turn to other friends to talk about my family or other stresses.  And my GF thinks I have nothing to talk about now.  She's even admitted to me that she has a hard time tolerating it if I am sad or depressed about something. 

I think what you describe must be typical BPD.

[hergestridge]

The funny thing is that when the argue ends and we get ok again, then she says she didn't mean all those awful things she said and that I shoudn't take it serious what she told me during our argument... . Because "nobody does

My wife reverts to this notion once she realizes she's been hurting people: that there are lots of "sensible" people out there who can handle her as she is, with her halfvtruths and her manipulations. Unlike us, weak foolks... .

As for validation, don't expect it. Seneca is spot on. A BPD person is not interested in anything that is not about them. They can't (or won't) see any other aspect of things. How often have you said (or thought to yourself) "Why does it always have to be about you?".

[Notthesame64]

WOW!  Exactly like everyone else's story... . I'm the victim, I'm cursed, I do my job better than anyone else... negativity... everyone's against me. Everyone hits on me... I'm screwed... I'm , I'm, I'm ... me, me, me... It's always all about them and their unfairness in life.  It's exhausting!

[jadedcat]

Yeah, familiar words.

My BPD wife calls it "challenging me." She says she does it to challenge me, to make me a better person. Any argument at work, any disagreement I tell her about, she becomes the devil's advocate.

I've been with her 12 years and only now realize what damage it has done to me and to my two children from a previous marriage. In short, she has never bonded with them.

And when she goes negative - as she does on everyone, I wonder, does she feel the same way about me?

I am very reluctant to similarly challenge her. That NEVER goes well.

[unicorn2014]

Yeah, familiar words.

My BPD wife calls it "challenging me." She says she does it to challenge me, to make me a better person. Any argument at work, any disagreement I tell her about, she becomes the devil's advocate.

I've been with her 12 years and only now realize what damage it has done to me and to my two children from a previous marriage. In short, she has never bonded with them.

And when she goes negative - as she does on everyone, I wonder, does she feel the same way about me?

I am very reluctant to similarly challenge her. That NEVER goes well.

Wow, I can totally relate. I've experienced this too. Thank you for articulating this.

[PacifistMom]

Every time I visit this forum I can't believe how exactly-the-same so many descriptions and conversations are.

Along with disagreeing with me, sometimes he would simply turn the conversation into how much worse off he is at his job - at least you have such-and-such and at least your boss doesn't do such-and-such and so on. It's rare that I go into details about a bad day now.

[joethemechanic]

My mother always does this. It makes me nuts. She will always take my opponent's side in an arguement.

I'm starting to wonder if she is BPD

[waverider]

It is the lack of empathy that means lack of handbrake on their opinions. As you say you think your wife makes mountains out of mole hills, and you are probably right. The differences is you dont say so as you are respecting her feelings, apart from not wanting to start conflict.

When you air your complaints to your wife she likewise thinks you are probably making mountains out of molehills (as she does, and she thinks is normal). Lack of empathy means that she does not care about your invalidation by being called on it (rightly or wrongly).

She is always suspicious as she lives in a world where absolute truth is rarely told, so she suspects you will do the same. Hence the devils advocate stance.

There is always an underlying tone of "how does this affect/reflect back on me".

[FigureIt]

I agree, if I try to express a work issue, I somehow brought it on myself. And any differing opinion I have of his, is me "digging in."  And politics, I can't even have that discussion, because even though I am educated, "I don't know what I'm talking about."

[unicorn2014]

It is the lack of empathy that means lack of handbrake on their opinions. As you say you think your wife makes mountains out of mole hills, and you are probably right. The differences is you dont say so as you are respecting her feelings, apart from not wanting to start conflict.

).

I thought lack of empathy was a npd trait. It's also a BPD trait?

[waverider]

It is the lack of empathy that means lack of handbrake on their opinions. As you say you think your wife makes mountains out of mole hills, and you are probably right. The differences is you dont say so as you are respecting her feelings, apart from not wanting to start conflict.

).

I thought lack of empathy was a npd trait. It's also a BPD trait?

yep, sure is, though sometimes it can be overlooked as pwBPD can give over the top shows of generosity, which ultimately come back down to buying approval for themselves> "Look what I did for you, aren't I good". It is supplied when they want rather than when you need it. Their need for approval often overrides your need for support.

[michel71]

I have to say that my wife is pretty supportive about when outside forces are against me ( i,e somebody wronged me) as she can totally relate being in a victim mode 100% of the time. This is not to say that she listens patiently and lets me vent too long. Pretty quickly she brings it around to her own experiences. Typical of the BPD.

Everything changes though when I have an issue with something SHE has done or said to me. Then it is like I am talking a foreign language. My feelings are turned into her unhappiness or met with extreme anger.

My biggest problem ... . and I guess I need to be hit with a 2x4 on the head... . is that I just can't seem to get that she won't ever understand or validate my feelings. I keep trying to rationalize with her or talk to her like a healthy and normal human being.

[unicorn2014]

It is the lack of empathy that means lack of handbrake on their opinions. As you say you think your wife makes mountains out of mole hills, and you are probably right. The differences is you dont say so as you are respecting her feelings, apart from not wanting to start conflict.

).

I thought lack of empathy was a npd trait. It's also a BPD trait?

yep, sure is, though sometimes it can be overlooked as pwBPD can give over the top shows of generosity, which ultimately come back down to buying approval for themselves> "Look what I did for you, aren't I good". It is supplied when they want rather than when you need it. Their need for approval often overrides your need for support.

So you are saying that sometimes pwBPD sometimes provide material support as way of buying approval for themselves? That's disturbing. How would you know that's what's motivating a pwBPD?

[unicorn2014]

I have to say that my wife is pretty supportive about when outside forces are against me ( i,e somebody wronged me) as she can totally relate being in a victim mode 100% of the time. This is not to say that she listens patiently and lets me vent too long. Pretty quickly she brings it around to her own experiences. Typical of the BPD.

Everything changes though when I have an issue with something SHE has done or said to me. Then it is like I am talking a foreign language. My feelings are turned into her unhappiness or met with extreme anger.

My biggest problem ... . and I guess I need to be hit with a 2x4 on the head... . is that I just can't seem to get that she won't ever understand or validate my feelings. I keep trying to rationalize with her or talk to her like a healthy and normal human being.

May I ask why you married her in the first place?

[michel71]

Unicorn... . much like other posters on this site, my relationship did not start off with her exhibiting full BPD symptoms. We dated two years. She upped her game. I figured it out just recently. Hell, at first I thought that all our arguments were because she was just really sensitive and it was all my fault. You are new here. Read about the typical development of a relationship with a BPD, and then you will realize how your question is... . well... . too simplistic. No offense.

[unicorn2014]

Hi michel71,  mine started off differently, it was me talking about my own BPD traits with my partner that brought his BPD to his attention and he was able to get it diagnosed. Even still a diagnosis isn't a cure, it's just a sign post to point out what needs to be dealt with. Looking on my prior relationships, I do see some borderline signs as well as in some family members. I may be new to this website but I'm not new to BPD.

[waverider]

It is the lack of empathy that means lack of handbrake on their opinions. As you say you think your wife makes mountains out of mole hills, and you are probably right. The differences is you dont say so as you are respecting her feelings, apart from not wanting to start conflict.

).

I thought lack of empathy was a npd trait. It's also a BPD trait?

yep, sure is, though sometimes it can be overlooked as pwBPD can give over the top shows of generosity, which ultimately come back down to buying approval for themselves> "Look what I did for you, aren't I good". It is supplied when they want rather than when you need it. Their need for approval often overrides your need for support.

So you are saying that sometimes pwBPD sometimes provide material support as way of buying approval for themselves? That's disturbing. How would you know that's what's motivating a pwBPD?

If there are two ways a pwBPD could help you out they will go for the high praise worthy act, rather than just quietly helping. The big gift rather than doing an unsung chore.

As a result the "gift" can be way over the top for your needs as they are not really considering your needs rather the approval they can get for being so generous.

If you are hurting by what someone did/said they dont just listen and empathize, they can carry on like war has been declared and make a big deal about being on your side waving the flag and rescuing you. That is if they are in the mood, otherwise they would just dismiss your concerns. It will not be in tune with your real needs, because it is not about your needs.

Not saying this is deliberate malice just that is hard for pwBPD to let go of their own interests, and a desire to be liked as they are not secure in liking themselves.

[empathic]

I have to say that my wife is pretty supportive about when outside forces are against me ( i,e somebody wronged me) as she can totally relate being in a victim mode 100% of the time. This is not to say that she listens patiently and lets me vent too long. Pretty quickly she brings it around to her own experiences. Typical of the BPD.

Everything changes though when I have an issue with something SHE has done or said to me. Then it is like I am talking a foreign language. My feelings are turned into her unhappiness or met with extreme anger.

My biggest problem ... . and I guess I need to be hit with a 2x4 on the head... . is that I just can't seem to get that she won't ever understand or validate my feelings. I keep trying to rationalize with her or talk to her like a healthy and normal human being.

Yes, this is a language my wife understands very well also. The "outside threat". I connect it to her more easily relating to negative feelings. If I want to start a conversation, it goes much easier if I say something like "you wouldn't believe what that idiot did to me", compared to if I say "you wouldn't believe how nice person X was to me today". She really can't deal with positive feelings in a good way. And it's very easy for us as nons to fall into the trap of feeding the negativity, I've had to stop myself sometimes "hey, I don't feel this way at all" when telling her something.