Struggling with own feelings

[Sugarlily]

Has anyone struggled with their own feelings when returning to the relationship after a break up?

When I first started dating my bf I fell for him quickly, he was very excited about us being together as he had pursued for a while and I had been unsure due to the fact it would be a long distance relationship and there was also a bit of an age gap. Initially things were really good. For the first six months he was very happy with me, though I was somewhat concerned that he had me on a pedestal too much. In contrast to how much he liked me, there were some odd things that concerned me a bit and made me feel he was unsure about the relationship.

After 6 months I had the chance for a promotion at work and tried talking to him about this as it may have affected our relationship. He threatened to break up if I considered him in the decision and said our relationship had nothing to do with my job. The next time we were meeting for a weekend he rang a couple of days before to say he just wanted to be friends. He was affectionate but not intimate with me. When we returned home he said he didn’t want a relationship with me. I was upset but accepted this. A week later we were talking and he reminded me we had planned to spend New Year skiing, when asked if just as friends he didn’t want that and couldn’t remember saying he didn’t want a relationship. After that he withdrew affection but was very sexual, but quite different with me. He also told me some things about his past which made me realise he had lied to try to be the sort of man he thought I wanted.

After that I withdrew a bit and in the end applied for the promotion, as I couldn’t see the relationship going anywhere. Once I had made this decision to apply, he became really loving, affectionate and supportive. Two months later I realised I had a real problem. We were due to spend a week together so were working out arrangements on the phone and he returned to making excuses/being hesitant. I suggested it might be best if we didn’t meet if he was so unsure. He completely changed character and told me lots of horrible things – he didn’t love me, I wasn’t good enough for him, he was looking for perfection, there was no chemistry between us, I wasn’t attractive enough etc. This lasted a good half hour. As soon as he finished, I thanked him for being honest if harsh and said he obviously wanted to break up, so thanks for his time etc. He then changed again and completely broke down sobbing, he couldn’t let me go, didn’t want to break up, I was the best thing in his life etc. Once I calmed him down, straight back to normal and talking about what we would do when we spent the week together.

My sister is a psychologist so I talked to her as I honestly thought he had multiple personality disorder. She wouldn’t say what was wrong just to get out.

Later in the week he came back full of apologies and wanting to meet. Meeting up was very normal, he was very affectionate and loving, couldn’t understand why I was upset. Everything settled and he was really supportive with my job application, very loving and great fun when we met up. Then at Easter having spent a week together on holiday, he became inconsolable when we had to leave.  At home he was diagnosed with depression. He seemed ok when we met up, but sad when we were apart. Then suddenly we ended up having the same type of conversation on the phone, him saying hurtful things then getting really upset again when I suggested he obviously wanted to break up. Things came to ahead when he ruined my birthday by telling me something about his past he knew I wouldn’t like. I confronted him about all the things he had said and how hurtful they were. He didn’t remember any of them, became really upset then said the same sorts of things again. I said I was going home at this point and he had a total breakdown. Ended up staying at the hotel with him in a real state but me determined to leave.

Returned home and spoke to sister who told me BPD, when I looked it up everything fitted. I went no contact except to give him the name of a therapist my sister suggested. I put myself into therapy as well.

Two weeks later he rang up wanting to keep the friendship going having been put on a waiting list for CBT. We took a break for 2 months, but as soon as he had an appointment he wanted to meet up again. Since then he has been really settled, attended all his appointments and been reliable and loving. He has been very supportive with my new job, initiated most of the phone calls (found this hard in the past in case I was busy) and organised all the arrangements for meetings (I did most of this before as it stressed him out).

My concern is that after the roller coaster ride I’ve lost of lot of the feelings I had for him and don’t trust that the same problems aren’t just going to happen again. I love him and am wanting see if we can work our relationship, but now it is me who feels hesitant all the time. I’m not sure if this is because I’m going through therapy and healing myself or if I’m just anxious and protecting myself too much.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Sugarlily



You've been through quite the roller coaster ride. This "push you away-pull you in" is part of the disorder, as maybe you know already. And I understand how getting back together now feels uncertain and anxious and with probably a whole lot of other emotions thrown into the mix, too.

Maybe you just need time to figure it out. You've going through changes, attending therapy, digesting what's happened in the past, learning about BPD.

How long have you felt this way?

Do you find your therapy helpful?

[SweetCharlotte]

Hi Lily,

Your situation is very interesting to me because I am also involved in a long-distance relationship with a man I suspect has BPD. Also, our lines of work are similar.

There are a few differences in our situations that I'll enumerate as:

1) there's no age difference in my r/s. We're both middle-aged.

2) I have two children from before the r/s.

3) we're married and my H has never actually broken up with me or told me I wasn't X enough for him; he has never outright rejected me. Instead, he plays hide-and-seek and run-away games that can last for days, weeks, or a maximum of two months. During these times he regards me as some sort of a "threat" to him.

4) my H doesn't accept that there is anything wrong with him psychologically and he refuses to seek treatment. I am in therapy to deal with the r/s and with my own condition of mild bipolar type 2.

I appreciate that you love or have loved this man, but my gut feeling is that this relationship is not going to sustain you for very long. For one thing, it has been two years and still no real commitment has formed. There does not seem to be any "glue" keeping you together. You might like to have children and in that case you would soon want a more dynamic situation, something that is going somewhere. He on the other hand may be spinning his wheels for a while as he tries to sort out his thoughts, feelings, and behavior.

It's wonderful that he is open to therapy and improving his mental and emotional health. It's also a good thing that you have counseling in place. If you need to get over this r/s, this will help to support you in that process.

I've read your past posts and they confirm my impression that he has left you too many times for this to be a lasting thing for you. There has been more break-up and alone time than there has been together-time. Hence, if you are leaning toward putting it in the past, I could well understand that.

[Sugarlily]

Hi Scarlet Phoenix

I felt like this for a month or so previously which came after the 3 weeks he tried just being friends. I think I've felt like this since we broke up, I really had to detach in order to be able to leave. While I still care for him deeply, my emotions have become numb. I think you could be right that it is because I'm going through a lot of things with a new job and therapy.

My therapist is very good and the sessions are really helping, but quite hard as I am finding that I'm re evaluating a lot of things. I've realised that my upbringing was quite problematic and there are some unhealthy reasons why I've ended up in a relationship with someone with BPD. She is very practical about things, so I've been given lots of helpful relaxation techniques. One of the issues she thinks I have is a difficulty in feeling emotions and a tendency to shut down and internalise in order to protect myself.

I'm also finding that while the tools on here work really well in helping my bf and keeping things calm, they sometimes make me feel like I am manufacturing a relationship rather than relating to him.

[Sugarlily]

Thanks SweetCharlotte

Do you find the distance and the periods apart make it more difficult to sustain the relationship?

Although I've got through the push-pull, my bf has never actually left me fully, I think if he done it would have been easier to deal with. He has asked just be friends once, but still continued to be affectionate and treat me as if we were in a relationship, it lasted 3 weeks then he wanted to be back together. He has several times said he doesn't want a relationship but never remembers or denies having said it. As soon as he has used words to reject me, he immediately retracts them and gets really upset about having hurt me and the idea of us breaking up. If you asked him, he would say we have never broken up and won't even count the time I left him.

I sympathise with the disappearing acts your husband does, my bf did that once for a week and it was more hurtful than anything else.

Thanks for your reply, it has made me reflect on the relationship a bit more in terms of me and what I need, rather than just trying to sustain things.

[SweetCharlotte]

Do you find the distance and the periods apart make it more difficult to sustain the relationship?

Yes and no. The periods apart trigger abandonment fears in both of us. I used to think it a shame that I had to fall in love with someone who lives six hours away by car.

Now I realize we probably wouldn't still be together if we lived in the same city. His fear of engulfment (the push-away part of his cycle) is so strong that I wouldn't be able to endure the constant rejection of being around him during those times. He in turn finds me (and my kids) so threatening to his sense of self that I'm sure he would not have proposed to me, at least not as quickly as he did in the context of our LDR.

In his past relationships he has never been willing to commit to anyone who lived locally. His first marriage began as LD with a woman on another continent! Once she moved in with him, he began to paint her black. She didn't appreciate art or music, only cared about money, etc. She in turn must have felt hurt and lonely and she started having affairs. At least that is what he claims, but there seems to have been precious little communication in the r/s—her first language wasn't English and he doesn't speak her language well.

I never had an inclination toward LDR's, but I simply hadn't been involved with anyone in over ten years when we got involved. I was busy raising my kids and pursuing my career, and felt bruised from my first marriage, in which I was a victim of domestic abuse. Now my kids are a bit older and my career is established. Maybe he can sense that I want more involvement now rather than less. I want the goal of our living together one day, even if it is when we retire. Somehow that goal never comes up in the conversation anymore. And when we have an extended stretch of time when we COULD be together (i.e. summers), the chance is 50/50 that he will pick a fight with me at the beginning of that period and walk out on me and/or go into hiding. I call it "going incommunicado"; I've also heard it referred to humorously here as being "missing in action."

Yes; this could be a good time to think about your goals.

[eyvindr]

Not to digress, and with all due respect -- some day, I'd love for someone to explain to me the purpose of LDRs. I just don't get it.

[Sugarlily]

I completely see your point, it is difficult. I never set out to have an LDR, we met through a group of friends who holidayed together, got along really well and at first I didn't know where he lived. First couple of times we arranged to meet along with friends and it developed into a relationship. It was not planned as an LDR and we both had reservations because of this.

[eyvindr]

Thanks for replying, Sugarlily.

Just seems like a lot of people are in them these days. I can see how it can happen, in the case of a married or committed couple, if one of them *has* to relocate for professional reasons, or maybe short-term personal reasons (care of a parent, friend, etc.) and it just doesn't make practical sense for any number of reasons for the partner to relocate with them.

But for two people who are just dating, it seems counterproductive. It's hard enough to have a real r-ship in the same town and time zone.

And for people who have *never* lived in the same place -- like, met online, knowing there were geographic issues -- and have seen each other maybe  a few times, but continued to live apart -- I just don't get it.

Not to judge, or say it isn't possible. Just that it's not for me, because I don't understand how it could work.

[Seashells]

Sugarlily,

I can relate to so many of the things you are saying.   It's like reading my own thoughts.   I too have struggled so much with returning to the relationship with half hearted feelings for the same reasons.  

I'm still working it out, so reading all of this helps me too.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Scarlet Phoenix

I felt like this for a month or so previously which came after the 3 weeks he tried just being friends. I think I've felt like this since we broke up, I really had to detach in order to be able to leave. While I still care for him deeply, my emotions have become numb. I think you could be right that it is because I'm going through a lot of things with a new job and therapy.

My therapist is very good and the sessions are really helping, but quite hard as I am finding that I'm re evaluating a lot of things. I've realised that my upbringing was quite problematic and there are some unhealthy reasons why I've ended up in a relationship with someone with BPD. She is very practical about things, so I've been given lots of helpful relaxation techniques. One of the issues she thinks I have is a difficulty in feeling emotions and a tendency to shut down and internalise in order to protect myself.

I'm also finding that while the tools on here work really well in helping my bf and keeping things calm, they sometimes make me feel like I am manufacturing a relationship rather than relating to him.

It is hard to work on ourselves and change 

I see your point in feeling like you're manufacturing a relationship. Having to think of techniques and tools, it's all a bit forced at first. It doesn't feel like the real you, perhaps. But with time, doing it more and more, it gets to a point where you do it naturally. Of course, there's the fact that we have to work more on these relationships than others where there's no disorder involved. I guess the work part of it makes it feel somewhat "not natural". Does it bother you a lot?

[Sugarlily]

I see your point in feeling like you're manufacturing a relationship. Having to think of techniques and tools, it's all a bit forced at first. It doesn't feel like the real you, perhaps. But with time, doing it more and more, it gets to a point where you do it naturally. Of course, there's the fact that we have to work more on these relationships than others where there's no disorder involved. I guess the work part of it makes it feel somewhat "not natural". Does it bother you a lot?[/quote]
It bothers me some of the time, especially if I feel down or tired and I have to think through tools and validation. Though we've now agreed not talk when we feel like this to make things easier, so we are texting to check we both feel ok. If either of us is struggling things can descend quickly. I guess it may just be because it is all new and feels a strange way to relate sometimes.

I talked to my therapist today and she thinks it is very natural to feel like this as I am coping with a new job, as well as dealing with my own issues and background. She says to give things more time as two people in therapy were always going to struggle while making changes. Plus my upbringing has taught me to protect myself by shutting down emotions.

I think it also feels strange having been on a roller coaster for a year and then suddenly instead of continuing to relate to one another this way, we are both making changes and trying to support one another at the same time. We did originally discuss continuing the separation while we went through the first few months of therapy, but my bf especially wasn't coping well with being apart.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

A person with BPD doesn't usually cope well with being apart, the abandonment fears kick in to strong, with detachment and pushing away the partner etc.

Sounds like you have a great therapist! And that you and your partner are being mindful of how you feel and if you're more susceptible to triggers.

Change always feels strange, I find. Unfamiliar and a little knots-in-stomach-inducing. I've read somewhere that's often the case with people who have a tendency to co-dependency.

[Sugarlily]

Sugarlily,

I can relate to so many of the things you are saying.   It's like reading my own thoughts.   I too have struggled so much with returning to the relationship with half hearted feelings for the same reasons.  

I'm still working it out, so reading all of this helps me too.

Hi Seashells

I read some of your other posts and I can see quite a few parallels between our experiences. Like you I ended things when it all became too much and to do that I really had to be tough and shut down feelings. I never expected anything other than my bf to say he couldn't change and just try continuing things as they were. Like you I was really surprised when it became clear he was serious about therapy and making changes. Sometimes it feels like I need to try and back pedal to the old feelings, but in reality I think it may a case of needin to develop new feelings as we both grow over the next few months.