Exerpt from a conversation with him after I found a love letter to his ex...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

ME:

WE had a plan, WE had goals,WE had a mutual dream. The only thing that changed about that is you

Constantly changed

Over and over and over

So S. contacted you, so you have to tell her how much you miss her and cry for her every night and will never forget her? And then you feel like you are completely justified in doing that and couldn't careless what it did to us


HIM:

No one ever said there wouldn't be bumps along the way to get there. Emotions always change. Change is gonna happen and we have to be there for each other. The only thing is consistent is changed. But in the end I'm coming to you. So what changed really changed in the end? Nothing I'm still coming to you to set out to do what we said we would. Just personal stuff people have to work through. Change is gonna happen as long as we have our dream we'll be good. I had to change mine to be for us. So did you. It doesn't happen overnight. Heck over 9 months of nights. So since you got me where I"m ready, keep me there. I betrayed that woman. I crushed her heart and made her cry. Do you know the amount of regret that puts on my heart. Do you know how much it hurt when I see you cry. I promised I'd never do that again. Not to you, my wife, my love. I couldn't live with myself if something like that was to happen. I wouldn't be here and fighting so hard, if I didn't want us to be together. I never thought in my wildest dreams I would meet a woman as amazing as you, with the same work ethic, care for family, interests, hobbies, intellect, someone who can make me feel the way you do. You have helped me in more ways than I can count. I want to repay that. I do care. I know the only way for it to work, is to be together. Damn it I LOVE YOU! I've tried to go back to the way I used to be. The nice guy. The guy that used to get walked all over, because I know you won't do that to me. Just love me.

[so#overit]

ME:

WE had a plan, WE had goals,WE had a mutual dream. The only thing that changed about that is you

Constantly changed

Over and over and over

So S. contacted you, so you have to tell her how much you miss her and cry for her every night and will never forget her? And then you feel like you are completely justified in doing that and couldn't careless what it did to us


HIM:

No one ever said there wouldn't be bumps along the way to get there. Emotions always change. Change is gonna happen and we have to be there for each other. The only thing is consistent is changed. But in the end I'm coming to you. So what changed really changed in the end? Nothing I'm still coming to you to set out to do what we said we would. Just personal stuff people have to work through. Change is gonna happen as long as we have our dream we'll be good. I had to change mine to be for us. So did you. It doesn't happen overnight. Heck over 9 months of nights. So since you got me where I"m ready, keep me there. I betrayed that woman. I crushed her heart and made her cry. Do you know the amount of regret that puts on my heart. Do you know how much it hurt when I see you cry. I promised I'd never do that again. Not to you, my wife, my love. I couldn't live with myself if something like that was to happen. I wouldn't be here and fighting so hard, if I didn't want us to be together. I never thought in my wildest dreams I would meet a woman as amazing as you, with the same work ethic, care for family, interests, hobbies, intellect, someone who can make me feel the way you do. You have helped me in more ways than I can count. I want to repay that. I do care. I know the only way for it to work, is to be together. Damn it I LOVE YOU! I've tried to go back to the way I used to be. The nice guy. The guy that used to get walked all over, because I know you won't do that to me. Just love me.

[necchi]

Uhhhmmmm... .

Welcome overit.

What does this say to you,were does this set you ?

can you tell a bit about yourself?

[so#overit]

I don't know, I guess I was trying to pry some recognition/admission out of him that what was happening was not right or normal.  But all I got was the usually volcanic explosive of verbiage going in every direction.  Just wondering if this is typical I guess,  my BPDh could sure spin some verbal doughnuts,  mostly around himself and toward the end, when his facade was a completely transparent veil to me, it was starting to actually become humorous, albeit really really sad. 

[DragoN]

so#overit

Reads like a bunch of manipulative blah blah. PD word salad. A lie ready for any emotional eventuality. He covered most of the bases really well. *clap clap* well done PD boy, he gets a gold star for that one.

I never thought in my wildest dreams I would meet a woman as amazing as you

That's about the only thing he got right.

[fromheeltoheal]

I don't know, I guess I was trying to pry some recognition/admission out of him that what was happening was not right or normal.  But all I got was the usually volcanic explosive of verbiage going in every direction.  Just wondering if this is typical I guess,  my BPDh could sure spin some verbal doughnuts,  mostly around himself and toward the end, when his facade was a completely transparent veil to me, it was starting to actually become humorous, albeit really really sad.  

Yea, me too.  In the beginning I put a lot of weight on the words; the words she said to me were real and valuable.  Once I got over the shock that they were just words, meaningless to her right after she said them, further attempts were pathetic and yes, funny. Watching someone who couldn't be open and honest to save her life spin webs of lies and flail was ultimately just disgusting.

[so#overit]

He covered most of the bases really well.

The acting was incredible, it must have been exhausting for him.  He was too predictable though.  If i had an issue with some inconsistency of his it would immediately be deflected by an excuse, how he had been victimized and traumatized in his past, how he was "just a guy trying each day to be a better person than he was yesterday".  I heard the same story over and over and over about how rough his childhood was.  He would cry just as hard every time he told it, then tell me I was being insensitive by telling him he should get some professional help to move past these issues, that he had moved on a long time ago and didn't need me to fix it; he was just trying to share some of his past with me.  The "I can't believe I found you" stuff really quickly turned into "you left me hanging" and "you were supposed to be my rock" when I stopped sympathizing with his emotional meltdowns.  

[DragoN]

"you were supposed to be my rock"

Now you can be two rocks on the beach.

Look at his Actions and nothing else. That's all. Words are cheap.

Watching someone who couldn't be open and honest to save her life spin webs of lies and flail was ultimately just disgusting.

Mmmhmmm, switch the her for his.

[so#overit]

Watching someone who couldn't be open and honest to save her life spin webs of lies and flail was ultimately just disgusting.

Yes! And then on the other hand its so so sad because I know a lot of the stuff he said he really meant at that particular moment.  He even admitted this on multiple occasions.  His consistent motto was "the only thing that stays the same is everything changes".  He used it to justify his lying and backtracking on plans and goals.  He would get angry because he thought "I took things to literally" when I started to get tired of his constant flip flopping on career choices, plans, goals, finances, ambitions, you name it.  He was just "thinking out loud".  He once told me that we were perfect for each other because we were the only ones that we couldn't manipulate.  That one blindsided me, who was this person? I quoted the old saying "oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive."  He chewed on that one for a while.    

[DragoN]

He chewed on that one for a while. 

More like he choked on it.

Did you weave a nice noose with his webs and watch him hang himself?

Almost feel a little guilty, but not really.

[so#overit]

More like he choked on it.

Did you weave a nice noose with his webs and watch him hang himself?

Almost feel a little guilty, but not really

he did momentarily before he could gather himself enough patch that hole in his web.  I do truly wish the best for him, I'm sure he'll find someone to "soothe" the injustice that me and every female before me has caused him.  He's got plenty of ammo after our relationship haha.  I simply wasn't capable of the level of dysfunction that was necessary to maintain a relationship with him... .and I'm okay with that. 

[DragoN]

I simply wasn't capable of the level of dysfunction that was necessary to maintain a relationship with him... .and I'm okay with that. 

Ditto that. Fly PD birdie. Good luck and try not to destroy yourself or too many others along the way. Eventually they do. Drugs, Booze, Depression, Suicide or somebody hangs them.

[patientandclear]

Was the love letter at odds with those comments that you excerpted?  Because the comments alone seem pretty advanced and insightful for someone with BPD.  That he wants to stop betraying people, that he did betray her, that you don't need to be threatened just because his feelings change, that is something he can anticipate and it's his job to deal with.

[so#overit]

Was the love letter at odds with those comments that you excerpted?

He had written the love letter to her 3 months after we were married.  He told her how he cried for her every night, his soul ached for her.  There would never be any one else like her.  How he missed going to art shows with her (this was one of the things he actually complained to me about her, that he hated being drug to art shows). 

Before I found this, he was honest with me in the fact that he told me he had written her.  He said he had apologized for the way he treated her and that was the end of it. 

I found other letters he wrote her after we were married about how he had heard their song in a bar and had to walk out etc. etc. 

When I called him on it he stated he had never lied about writing her (technically true ), and justified the love letter by saying he couldn't stand to hurt any ones feelings.   

[patientandclear]

Wow, he's carrying around a lot of guilt.  So are most of our exes no doubt; your guy seems a lot more aware of it & to be processing it in a more straightforward way (i.e., not mad at her because she made him do this).

It's got to suck to have his unresolved guilt from past train wrecks cropping up.  I'd just comment that it's possibly more constructive for him to handle it this way (honest with you, honest with her, no projection & no cheating) than by stuffing down those feelings.  He feels what he feels, & probably can't change that.  What he can change is what he does (and you can).  Has he changed what he can in terms of what he does to make you feel secure? (Sorry, not sure if you guys are still together or not.)

[so#overit]

Wow, he's carrying around a lot of guilt.  So are most of our exes no doubt

He is carrying around a massive massive amount of guilt, from every single aspect of his life, childhood, young adult, daddy issues, military traumas, girlfriend traumas etc etc etc. 

your guy seems a lot more aware of it & to be processing it in a more straightforward way (i.e., not mad at her because she made him do this)

Oh but she did, she was "cold hearted" and cheated on him, said nasty things about his weight, put him down constantly, berated him, told him he didn't have any balls, said he was a "stupid man".

I'm not with him, this is one tiny snap shot of constant inconsistencies.  I don't know that he has BPD, just so many things about it describe him.  The mirroring, the child hood trauma, manipulation, projection, the ability to twist the truth and make everyone else the bad guy.  He is extremely high functioning compared to the stories of BPDs i read on here.  He never screamed or yelled or threatened suicide with me, but maybe we just weren't together long enough for this to start.  He gave the silent treatment, he had subtle rages were he locked himself in his room usually out of he blue and I would wonder what the heck I did.  He often said how he wanted to punch a complete stranger in the face because they looked at him a certain way.   I didn't even realize when I started the "walking on egg shells" but I found myself saying whatever I thought he wanted to hear in order to keep from triggering him.  WOW tangled fishing line; the look he would get on his face if I tried to help him untangle it, even if he asked for my help; if that look wasn't hate, I don't know what is.   

[DragoN]

Oh but she did, she was "cold hearted" and cheated on him, said nasty things about his weight, put him down constantly, berated him, told him he didn't have any balls, said he was a "stupid man".

I'm not with him, this is one tiny snap shot of constant inconsistencies.  I don't know that he has BPD, just so many things about it describe him.  The mirroring, the child hood trauma, manipulation, projection, the ability to twist the truth and make everyone else the bad guy. He is extremely high functioning compared to the stories of BPDs i read on here

It does read pretty awful doesn't it? And if you go back ,years back on here, there are non's who had equally horrible and worse in their childhoods and did not turn out BPD nor were they abusive. However, they did marry pwBPD.

The one you had reads like a Waif male. Projection, deflection, internal raging.

Damn it I LOVE YOU! I've tried to go back to the way I used to be. The nice guy. The guy that used to get walked all over, because I know you won't do that to me. Just love me.

That would pull on the old heart strings, if I still had any.  

You can't save him from himself. Makes no point to become cannon fodder in his manipulation machine either. He plugged into your sympathy and empathy. But once you realize he has no intent to do anything whatsoever to improve his mindset and way of being? ie. therapy. Why stick around? Leave him to sit on the children's self pity potty and get on with your life. That's an act of empathy which is compassion in action. Compassion directed to yourself and to him, as it is yet another opportunity for him to Do something for himself or he loses that amazing lady which is you. Win/ Win.

Look at his actions. My exH , still "Loves me Forever"... .but wouldn't go for  therapy or marriage counseling. Despite his "promises" So you get an idea how much a 'promise' is worth from a PD. Nothing. Good in the moment, then forgotten.

[heartandwhole]

so#overit,

I would have been very hurt if I had read a love letter to pwBPD's ex.  That is painful.    I can relate a lot to your post.  The most painful thing about my r/s with pwBPD was his changeability.  He changed his mind about us, his life, who he loved – on a dime.  It got to the point that when I saw a long email from him, my stomach would tighten and I'd go into fight or flight mode – he often dropped these "bombs" by email.

Otherwise he was an extremely self-aware and caring man.  He also felt remorseful about his behavior, but when in the throes of BPD, couldn't help it.  Sad all around.

I realized, like you, that I couldn't allow my heart to be regularly shredded in that way.  That, and I needed to get serious about taking care of myself emotionally. 

Keep writing.  We're here for you.   

[so#overit]

Look at his actions. My exH , still "Loves me Forever"... .but wouldn't go for  therapy or marriage counseling. Despite his "promises" So you get an idea how much a 'promise' is worth from a PD. Nothing. Good in the moment, then forgotten.

I just talked to a mutual friend who said my h told him he was going to get help.  Don't know if its true or just something h thought was beneficial to say at the time to yet again victimize himself.  If it is true and came about because of this hell of 16months I've been through then I'm glad some good came of it.

I would have been very hurt if I had read a love letter to pwBPD's ex.  That is painful.

   

Yeah that one hurt pretty good.  But I really didn't have a problem forgiving him.  It was the fact that he defended it until he was blue in the face and saw nothing wrong with it that really hurt.  A simple "I'm sorry, it was wrong and wont happen again" would have cleared the water 100%.

The most painful thing about my r/s with pwBPD was his changeability.  He changed his mind about us, his life, who he loved – on a dime.

Yes!  He refused to make up his mind about where he wanted to go, what he wanted to be and then twist things around making our issues my fault because "I wasn't being his rock", "I was supposed to be there for him no matter what".  Like that was his "get out of jail free, I'm allowed to treat you however I want and you'll be there for me" card. 

I realized, like you, that I couldn't allow my heart to be regularly shredded in that way.  That, and I needed to get serious about taking care of myself emotionally.

I realized recently (and it scared the bejeebers out of me) that I had picked up some of his nasty little habits.  Found myself swearing at everything and anything, getting very angry over nothing,  starting to get annoyed with people for no reason, people I love and care about most in this world.  Yikes!... .back up and start over, this is not who I am.