Reverse Grieving?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm in 2nd week of NC, haven't seen her in over two months.  It was a slow and painful breakup, really rough on me, she seemed to be fine with it.  I have noticed however that while the memories are still painful, I am feeling much better about things, including myself.

An hour ago I received a text from her:  I miss you immensely, especially right now that I'm going thru a lot and I wish I would have a little emotional support from the person I fell in love with once.  i wish i could lean on your shoulder so when I cry I could have you holding me.  Everything is getting harder and harder.

This text is from the same person whose previous last words to me were:  F--- you loser.

As time passes, I seem to be feeling better and feeling more optimistic about life and myself in general (pain diminishing).  She however, seems to be having a rougher time with the split - which she instigated and insisted on.  Her pain seems to be increasing?  Is this common?

[BPDizzy]

I'm in 2nd week of NC, haven't seen her in over two months.  It was a slow and painful breakup, really rough on me, she seemed to be fine with it.  I have noticed however that while the memories are still painful, I am feeling much better about things, including myself.

An hour ago I received a text from her:  I miss you immensely, especially right now that I'm going thru a lot and I wish I would have a little emotional support from the person I fell in love with once.  i wish i could lean on your shoulder so when I cry I could have you holding me.  Everything is getting harder and harder.

This text is from the same person whose previous last words to me were:  F--- you loser.

As time passes, I seem to be feeling better and feeling more optimistic about life and myself in general (pain diminishing).  She however, seems to be having a rougher time with the split - which she instigated and insisted on.  Her pain seems to be increasing?  Is this common?

[Cumulus]

Hi, I can only speak for my situation. After I separated from him there were many emails and voice messages and cards I received that pretty much said the same thing. He couldn't live without me, remember the wonderful times we had, remember all the good things I did for you, I have changed, and on and on. My heart was so heavy, I hurt so much for him.  I wondered did I do the right thing. I knew he hadn't changed but maybe he really did need me to survive. Stop right there. He is an adult. Adults are capable of making their own decisions and looking after themselves. He does not need me to survive. No matter how much I believed that. Later I found out that he had another girlfriend and was working yet another on line.

[paperlung]

Yes, it's common.

[kampuniform]

The norm rather than the exception, and it has much to do with the BPD transiting through a number of ego states, or schema modes, as they deal with their core trauma.

-The Vulnerable child.  You can do no wrong when they’re in this state.

-The Angry Child: WWIII, and the relationship usually spins into oblivion at this point.

-The Punitive Parent: Since the child was punished for expressing normal needs and emotions, the adult knows that she is wrong for having these needs, and deserves punishment; the acting out stage, and if you’re still involved, you’re in for the ride of your life.

-The Detached Protector: a mute sentinel, passive and complaint. 

Once they’ve passed through their schema modes, and have emerged well on the other side, this is when they will get a yen to hear your voice.

[BPDizzy]

Thank you all for your responses.

I caved in and responded.  Her reply was "nevermind"

I wonder if it was just a cat and mouse thing.  Thanks again.

[kampuniform]

Dichotomous thinking leads to a lack of Object constancy.  In other words, it only appears like a malicious game to someone on the receiving end.

Don’t take it personally. 

When she sent you those text messages, she sincerely meant every word stated in them.

When the “Nevermind” text rolled in, you’d probably broken one of her BPD-fuelled reveries, and you were the last person in her mind.

A minute later she could change her mind, and think that you are a ministering angel of mercy sent from Heaven to save her.

A minute later she might sit down to eat a bowl of ice cream, and completely forget that you ever existed.

Have you considered blocking her number so that you’re not drawn back into the madness again?

[marbleloser]

Reverse grieving is this: Normally at the END of a RS,a person grieves the loss,reflects on it and themselves,acknowledges their own part in the demise of the RS,accepts it,and moves on.

A person with BPD,since it's an attachment disorder,begins grieving the end of the RS at the BEGINNING.Afraid of being "abandoned",the RS's demise is already set into motion.Nothing you or I can do about it.That's when the constant "you're going to leave me" thinking begins.They go through emotions at the beginning,that we do at the end.This is also why,most times,at the end of the RS,the nonBPD person is left wondering wth happened,when the pwBPD has already split them as "bad",sometimes replaced them already,and leaves without remorse or empathy.

What you're going through with her now is plain ol' victimization.She's the victim and you're the persecuter,but in her mind you should still "be there" for her,as needed.She pushed your buttons and you bit.You soothed her need by responding.That was all she needed.Then you got the "nevermind" text.Her moment of needing soothing was over.