Brief History: pwBPD was 23-24 y/o, 8 month friendship, 1.5 months of dating, 2 months of grieving, the majority of which was no contact, then 1 month of being "friends." I also had the pleasure of a very brief conversation with the guy she left me for.
My background: Extremely logical, lack of empathy/emotion, intellectual, obsessive thinker, introverted, successful, NPD traits (except i'm genuine and not manipulative for personal gain), and every woman who has been close to me has admits to this day I have "inner beauty." I have a very strong sense of self and nobody can manipulate me in a malicious or vindictive way. I can handle tense situations (as you will find out in my tidbit) and reserve making opinions or judgements for a few hours or days. I'm very calculated with what I allow myself to feel and have some sociopath qualities. This pwBPD was the first to truly breakdown my walls and deliver some emotional pain but it only served to make me stronger.
So now you know me and my history of a pwBPD, now to what I've learned through my experiences and reading discussions on another board of people diagnosed with BPD
pwBPD at their core are insecure with themselves, have feelings little to no self-worth, which infuses their emotional instability. When they become emotional, for the most part they are expressing their vulnerability and they are seeking
[url=https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation]validation[/b][/url] and comfort in these times of high stress.
In the beginning they idealize and eventually begin to mirror the qualities of their s/o. To an extent, they really are enjoying the fantasy of a r/s with their partner. This highly addictive and overwhelming phase of the r/s serves two purposes with the desired concept of CONTROL.
1) To snare the very core of the person they are close with by making them feel special and a soul mate to make sure their partner falls "in love" first
2) To avoid abandonment by always being the one with less invested
The fear of engulfment, of losing themselves to the control of another person, is subconsciously unfathomable and unacceptable to a pwBPD because they will never trust anyone so quickly.
Once their charade is over they begin an assessment:
1) Is this person really capable of loving me, the worthless person?
2) Will they abandon me?
3) Do I respect them? What qualities do they have I admire? What will I learn from this person?
4) Was it just the challenge or is there potential for to truly trust this person with my greatest fear, real love and implied vulnerability at some point in the future?
5) Will they eventually leave me? Will they figure me out (if not already?)
It's these 5 questions that determine whether or not you last just a few weeks/months, to a few years or more.
Along this great ride comes the tests of your devotion in many shapes and forms I'm sure you all here have unfortunately experienced. Eventually when things start to overwhelm or bore the pwBPD, they start to consider new hosts. In some cases, where real love is possible but not yet attained by the pwBPD, I suspect they will leave a suitable host for fear of falling in love first. In most cases, however, the cause for leaving is the pain and subsequent loss of trust, resentment, respect, challenge, and new alternatives to start the cycle over again. True happiness for a pwBPD is unfamiliar territory because they don't love themselves. If a person can give them the happiness and love they they desire, they sometimes become ridden with anxiety due to engulfment. Ultimately enough pain and resentment builds up in the r/s with the pwBPD and the r/s is over in their mind before it crosses the mind of the more devoted, weaker partner.
It's going to be very rare or next to impossible for a pwBPD to never have ended a r/s with their partner at some point along the way. The easiest test of the devotion and subsequent trust is to handle the b/u amenably, never abandon what you had, and accept them with loving arms. Sometimes they find better and never return, and unfortunately it's a lot to ask of someone. :)epending on the pwBPD, some will encourage you to seek new r/s, others will want you to wait on them and any attempt to build a new r/s will reinforce that you betrayed them or have them try to regain control by sending out feelers and possibly recycling.
Now here's a little tidbit, I ran into my ex's new host she left me for yesterday and it was unexpected, but I had something I wanted to tell him and it was how I greeted him: "Congratulations, you've lasted twice as long as me" (3 months) in a sarcastic way. The response was epic, "I'd like to think it's forever." This poor soul has no idea what he's in for and the reason she left me for him was because she needed the control over a person she'd never have with me. She still harbors feelings for me, truly knows I'm better, but we're just friends and all she gives me is the bad side of her "love" for me through constant boundary testing. I read it here before and it was the quote of a lifetime: "to continue contact with an ex pwBPD is to explore new levels of pain." their deep sense of what you feel for them makes them uncomfortable and since they lack the therapy, maturity and experience, they probe constantly in attempt to find your weaknesses/flaws (if they haven't already). in other instances, i think it gives them joy to manipulate and "break" people, as my ex had done with all of her previous 5 r/s who were so "madly in love" with her, except for the one narcissist who she recycled several times over a 12 year span.
Thanks and hope this insight helps others and if there's anything you want to add, well it begins now!
