My BPD daughter is planning to kill me. I'm scared

[scarednafraid]

I'm really scared.  My daughter is 16.  She is currently on her 2nd probation for assault family violence.  Ironically, she called the police on me.  I moved out of her way when she said I was threatening her and that she'd have me arrested.  I went and sat down outside.  :)uring her phone call with the police, she scratched herself pretty badly on her neck, arms and chest to make it look like I had done this to her.  I was so scared when this happened.

A couple of years ago, things started to really change for my family and I.  It started out kinda small, I guess.  Then things got worse rapidly.  The past couple of years had been okay or so I thought.  I thought we were getting along great.  A couple of months ago, I wouldn't believe (or want to believe, anyway) that I'm back to this spot and it's worse now than I ever could've imagine it to be.

Because of recent events, I thought it best that I monitor my daughter through her cell phone.  I put software on her phone that can record her calls, texts, facebook, and even record the environment.  What she said was disturbing.  I'm so scared for myself and my younger children.  She is talking about ways to kill me with this 21-year-old and not implicate herself.  At first, I thought she's pretty mad at me and I thought maybe things would smooth out.  But the calls keep getting more and more violent.  Now they're talking about killing my younger boys.  She and this boy are saying all these horrible things on the recordings like I'm violent, I'm addicted to pills, and the list goes on... .She says I use her and her brother to get drugs.  

She and another friend were talking about giving me pills and that I'd take them and they'd make sure I overdosed and died, making it look like I was an addict.  Then she furthers that conversation with another friend and they detail my death and how they're going to do it.  Then they go further by saying he'd use some liquid morphine he's got and plant in my bedroom with a syringe.  She says "We'll stab her in the middle of the night with a syringe."  He laughs and responds, "And push air through her blood stream.  I mean what? That's murder."  

Then in the next conversation on the following day he says, "but yea, I wanna hit your mom upside the head with a baseball bat." The conversation goes like this verbatim:

boy: Hmm…well I wanna bash the skull in too.

DD: Okay sounds good to me.

boy: (laughs). I’ll, I’ll even help you with that.

I am scared if I go to the police and they do nothing.  Then I'm scared for my daughter if they something.  what if they just tell her she doesn't need to be doing that kind of talk, she get even more pissed and that's what tips her and this guy over the edge to actually complete the crime.  There's a lot of in betweens.  I've literally pored over the conversations today.  I don't even want to be validated on any of this.  I want to be told, everything's okay. she's just mad and he's just having bravado.  It's all okay. But, somehow, I know better.  These words.  I had to write them down.  :)id she say "was" or "wanted to"?  And they sit on these conversations making up stories as though they actually know they want to be caught.  What they will say to the police, etc.  I've had so many run-ins with the police because of her.  I'm embarrassed.  She is sick.  

I know I'm rambling. There are a lot of negative emotions and one of them is lonliness.  Among others are blame, shame, despair, anger.  Fear.  It's all bundled in this horrible package.  I just keep thinking, "I could be wrong.  What if I'm wrong?"  I keep thinking how could I turn on my daughter like this.  She needs me.  But she doesn't want my help.  According to her, I abuse her.  Is this really how she sees the world?  Is this really how she sees me?  

Shattered... . 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, scarednafraid   

This is a terrible situation, and I want you to know that everyone on this site is hoping that you will be safe and get some help. Do you have a safety plan? This is a link that will help you with this: Safety First. Please do not think you can do this on your own; you need to talk to someone. Please call a Crisis Center or Emergency Help Center; here is a link where you can put in your city and state and find a number: Emergency Numbers to talk to someone in person. Now.

This is a link to some information that may shed some light on your situation: Workshop - US: Physically abusive relationships: Are you in one?

Do you have anyone you can talk to about this? Friends? Family? Clergy? A church family? Please call an Emergency Number, tell them what you said in this post, take their advice. Read the Safety First link and make a plan. Your daughter may have BPD, and we all try to be understanding and compassionate to our loved ones with BPD... .But your own safety and the safety of the rest of your family comes first right now. You have the information mentioned in this post; there are ways to protect yourself and your loved ones, and you truly need to do that.

Please let us know you are safe, that you've taken safety steps, and let us know how else we can help you... .We are here for you 

[muffetbuffet]

I agree with Rapt Reader, you need to seek out some assistance with this situation.  I know it is difficult being the parent of a mentally ill child.  We are often judged for the decisions we make, but unless you live with that child 24/7 you do not fully understand the situation.  When in a difficult situation about seeking outside help/medical help for our dd, we always look at the situation in a little different light... .if our dd had a physical ailment would we fight for her to seek any treatment that she needed to get well... .of course as a parent I have to answer yes.  Well, as the parent of a mentally ill child, I have to fight for her in the same way.  Seeking treatment or assistance for others is the only way to get through this situation safely.  Take care of yourself and your family and keep us updated. 

[pessim-optimist]

Hello scaredandafraid,

I am so sorry we meet under these circumstances... . 

Anyone in your shoes would be shocked, afraid and worried... .

Please do not take this situation lightly, and reach out to professionals for help... .You can always hope that she is not serious, but you can't afford to make the mistake of relying on that hope and doing nothing.

Reading your post, I see that you love your daughter and understand that she is ill. Keeping this situation a secret would not be doing your daughter any favors, though. In the long run, it would only teach her that it's ok to terrorize others, and her behaviors would likely get worse... .

You are concerned for the well-being of your daughter. That is understandable.

Here is a question to consider: Is her reputation and good standing with the law more important than your life and the lives of your children?

Forgive me if I sound too direct... .Sometimes when we are in a crisis, the stress can easily confuse us. Please keep yourself safe, and reach out for help... .

[MammaMia]

ScaredandAfraid

This is horrible, and you have every right to be afraid.  Please take the advice of everyone here and contact a Crisis Line or local law enforcement.  You have the taped conversations.  How can they not take this seriously?

If you are worried about your daughter making Terroristic Threats (threatening to kill you) and repercussions with the legal system, just think about what would happen to her if she succeeds and is charged with and convicted of premeditated murder?  Her life would be over as well.

PLEASE do not ignore what she is saying.  Your other children are at risk, and you must take action to protect them as well as yourself.      

[psychik]

Hi scaredandafraid-

I'm not sure what to add to the excellent advice from pessimist-optimist, muffetbuffet and rapt reader other than to tell you a true story that happened in my BIL's family.  A non BPD story.

His stepdaughter... .we will call her D1 was out of control, in trouble with truant officer's, had a rep with the PD for minor little things, running away to friends, etc.  That escalated into her befriending a girlfriend, we will call her GF, her older BF.  Both D1 and GF were about 14ish years old... .BF was about to turn 17.  In our state, that's an adult.  D1 ran away, was gone for about a week.  Her mom, my exSIL found her at the GF's house.  Police forced her to come home.

The NEXT week, D1's mom woke up to D1 standing over her with a kitchen knife.  A big one.  She wanted her car keys and money.  Luckily, Mom had enough awareness to jump to other side of the bed and trap D1 in the bedroom.  Police came and charged D1 with attempted assault.  She went to juvenile detention... .mom felt TERRIBLE about calling the police.

A few days later the GF and BF stabbed the GF's mother to death, stole her car, and took the GF's younger Brother with them on a road trip to Canada.  They were caught because the GF's grandmother could not get her daughter to answer the phone for two days, and called the police.  They found her in her living room. The "kids" had hidden the knife under a couch cushion.

Phones, computers, iPads from all parties were taken into custody as evidence... .including my BIL's D1's phones, and computer.  Guess what they were ALL planning and talking about?  Stabbing parents, taking cars, and going to Canada.

They ONLY thing that kept D1 from facing a murder charge along with her "friends" ... .SHE WAS IN JAIL at the time of the murder.  Her mother was so distressed about calling the police on her, and it turned out to be the best thing to happen to D1.  She is still on probation, but it won't stay on her record, and she was saved from herself and a terrible decision.  The severity of the horrible situation actually turned her around.

Please, please, please take all of these great people's advice and start talking to somebody!  Keep yourself safe, and your family, too.  Don't try to guess if they mean it or not.  Get help. Now.

[pessim-optimist]

... .She is talking about ways to kill me with this 21-year-old and not implicate herself.  

I am not an expert, but it looks like they have already implicated themselves, and death-threats are a serious crime in certain places... .

The mom psychic talks about perhaps did not know about the plans of the others, you do, so you have a better chance of protecting yourself... .

I am not sure what exactly can be done, but the 21 year old guy is an adult and he also could pose a real threat not to be underestimated... .

Let us know how things go, and how we can support you.

[psychik]

... .She is talking about ways to kill me with this 21-year-old and not implicate herself.

I am not an expert, but it looks like they have already implicated themselves, and death-threats are a serious crime in certain places... .


I am not sure what exactly can be done, but the 21 year old guy is an adult and he also could pose a real threat not to be underestimated... .

Let us know how things go, and how we can support you.

Both moms did not have any idea of the plots against them.  Maybe divine guidance led you to hear those conversations!   Yes, the IM messages, and emails definitely put the adult older boyfriend behind bars for murder, as well as the GF.  BTW... .the police did not laugh or take those threats that those kids made amongst themselves as lightly.  It was the premeditated before the action.  When all was said in done in this case, the older BF started the whole idea.

Please call the authorities.  Take it all very seriously.  

[MammaMia]

Scaredandafraid

You may be in denial because you love your daughter.  You need to remember many kids today have no moral compass ... .they do not live in the real world.  When you combine that with mental illness and/or drug use, you have a toxic and deadly combination.

They are capable of anything.  

PLEASE get some help.  

[maxen]

hi scaredandafraid. i'm very glad you found this site and PLEASE accept the advice that everyone here is giving. protect yourself, reach out for help, and if you can, keep us informed. we're all sending strength your way.

[scarednafraid]

Sorry it has taken me a couple of days to respond.  It's kind of been rough and I've been wanting to spend a lot of time thinking.  Thank you for responding.   I'm tired.  That night I went to the police.  I needed to write it out.  I needed to, I guess, to be validated.  At first the officer was dismissive and on some level I was relieved.  But he decided to listen to the calls.  That's when a lot of people (prosecutors, sargeants, etc) were called in the middle of the night at their homes and woken up.  They were worried about those calls too.

We had court Monday afternoon for a detention hearing.  DD won't be here for Thanksgiving.  When I saw her walk into the courtroom with ankle bracelets on, my heart just sank to the pit of my stomach.  I was physically ill and broke down in despair.  DH and I were asked to fill out an indigence form for a lawyer for DD.  I told them we could afford an attorney.  In the state where I live, juveniles must have an attorney represent them. 

The judge said that there are two groups of pools of lawyers he uses for court appointed lawyers - the A list and the B list.  The A list is when there is a good probability a child will be tried as an adult and that he was pulling a lawyer from that list. He said that even though we could afford an attorney for her, since we were the victims, we would not be permitted to pick her lawyer.  She is charged with conspiracy to commit murder and possession of a controlled substance.  Both felonies.

Incidentally, before all this began, I had started looking for a therapist for myself (and a separate one for DD).  It was kind of a crap shoot as I called various ones, leaving messages.  It so happened a therapist called me back Friday afternoon, who is familiar with the legal system and was a juvenile probation officer and a crisis counselor.  She agreed to see me Sunday afternoon. 

I've been dealing with this insanity since around my DD turned 12 years old.  I've gone to FC.  For a while, things seemed good.  It seemed like things were turning around.  It was wishful thinking, but I needed things to be okay.  I needed her to be okay.  I needed to be okay.  We seemed to get a long great.  She was talking to me openly about things (or so I believed).  I just wanted so badly to leave the BPD world behind. 

I thought we were past RTC and Psych hospitals.  DD showed little emotion either while being arrested or while standing before a judge.  She tried to call from detention the other night.  I told the officer to tell DD "I love her very much but I can not talk to her." 

At the moment, the 21 year old is still out.  Another friend may also be arraigned.  The former my heart breaks for.  She's 15 and I really just love her.  I'm apprehensive.  It is highly probably my daughter may not be able to come home, ever.  She may be in an adult jail for quite a while.  I've been locking my doors, no matter the time of day.  I'm working on putting other security features in and around the house to secure ourselves. 

I have good friends that are nearby that I talk to.  I have one that even does not make me talk about these things and she and I can just sit quietly and do crafts.  Because, I'm tired.  I'm weary from all the other times before.  I just cannot hurt like this anymore.  I love DD so much but it hurts so deeply.  Even though she may want to cause this horrendous death, I still keep thinking how I could or would never hate her, but love her so deeply.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, scarednafraid 

Thank you so much for giving us and update, and letting us know that you are safe... .There are so many members who have been reading your story, and they will all be relieved to know this. Your story is very difficult and traumatic, but it is good to know that you got to the place where you could do the right thing, and take care of yourself and your family. I appreciate knowing what's going on... .Can you continue updating when you can, so others can see how you are dealing with such tragic events? So we can know how to help you, if you ever need it?

I'm so very sorry for what you are going through, and for what your daughter must be dealing with inside her own head... .Is there a possibility that she will get mental health treatment while incarcerated? As a minor, will there be some restorative care for her? Or, if she is tried as an adult, does that change things? Has she secured a lawyer yet? Maybe the lawyer can help her get treatment? And, you start seeing the Therapist this Sunday afternoon, or was it last Sunday? Can you let us know how that goes, and what you learn from it? Your experience can be helpful to many other parents on this site, and telling us and letting us respond will be helpful for you no doubt... .

I know how much you love your daughter, and how much you have wanted to believe that her actions were not serious, or that she would "grow out of it" and that she would then live a normal life, as could you and the rest of your family. The first step to healing is accepting the truth, and then getting help for the situation. You've done that now, and I admire your fortitude and bravery... .I'm glad you have friends you can talk to. Getting therapy for yourself is the best thing, and I've very glad that you not only took the step of going to the police, but that you are also getting therapy. My best to you, your family and your daughter; please keep us in the loop if you can... .We really are here for you whenever you need us, and we want to help you when we can 

[Learning_curve74]

Hi scarednafraid.  . Thank you for letting us know that you are safe, many people here have been worried about you.

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter, and I can tell from your writing that you love her very much and are heartbroken over this. It hurts so much because you love her so much.

You are blessed to have friends that you can turn to for support and understanding at this time. Please remember that you are also always welcome here as well. Best wishes to you and your family. 

[MammaMia]

Scaredandafraid

WOW... .so glad to hear you are ok.  

I know it does not feel like it right now, but things WILL be all right.  You have been very brave and you have saved your daughter, her friends, your family, and yourself, from a terrible, terrible tragedy.  That is an act of love.

YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.  Continue to stay strong and be safe.  Please keep us posted.

God Bless.

[Gray]

I am so sorry for your situation. And I hope that you are doing alright. Please be strong!

[hopeangel]

I can only add that I am thinking of you too!  I will be praying for your protection!

So sorry you have this to go through, I hope its over for you soon and you get peace in your world!

[Phoenix.Rising]

Scarednafraid,

That is a horrible situation, but I want to affirm your decision.  After reading your first post, my thought was 'she needs to contact the police'.  Talk about killing someone should never be taken lightly.  I'm sorry this is happening, but you made the right decision, and I am glad you are ok. 

In an area not far from where I live, there was a teenage daughter and her then boyfriend who killed the daughter's mother and lit the house on fire.  They tried to kill the father, and thought he was dead, but he lived and was able to miraculously escape.  The teens are now locked up.  I'm very glad you are safe.  Please take care of yourself and keep talking to people.   

Phoenix.Rising

[lovesjazz]

A horrible experience no parent should have to go through. I am so sorry for your pain.

[pessim-optimist]

Thank you so much for taking the time to let us know you are safe and also to give us an update on the situation. Let's hope that the 21 year old will be brought in soon as well... .

It's good to hear that you are taking care of your practical and mental/emotional needs; and like Rapt Reader, I hope that there is going to be some option for your daughter to get the therapy she needs while she is in the system.

Take it easy, and know that we are here for you if you have questions or when you feel like sharing. 

Pessim-optimist

[peaceplease]

scaredandafraid,

I am late coming into this thread.  I did not see this before.  My jaw dropped when I saw the title of thread.  I am so sorry for all that you are going through.  I know that must have been so difficult for you.  I am so glad that you talked to police.  I am so sorry that your daughter is in jail.  I am glad that she is safe.  I am glad that you are safe. 

I hope and pray that your dd gets tratment for her metal illness.  We are here for you when you want to come back and share with us.   

peaceplease

[crazedncrazymom]

scarednafraid,

Wow!  Your head must be spinning through all this.  Unfortunately I think all of us can relate on some level to what you're going through.  Not in the my dd wants to kill me sense of course, but the craziness of not knowing what's going to happen from one day to the next. 

I hope you can find some peace today.  I hope you can find it in yourself to be thankful that you are alive, your daughter is safe and hopefully will find the help she needs.  Please keep posting here for support.  I know we all have a lot of empathy and sympathy for your family in this awful situation. 

-crazed

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[caulene]

Hi - I feel for you - I too know the fear of possible "retribution".  Your daughter needs to be made accountable for her behaviour - you cannot save her from herself.  My daughter has threatened me - send libelous emails out to all family - screamed at me in front of other people that I am abusive and mental and just want to hurt her.  I am in the middle of asking the courts for visitation with my granddaughter as I have been banned from seeing them.  But that is the cost I have to pay because I have set strong boundaries.  Calling the police is setting a boundary - you cannot accept this behaviour from your daughter.  You must take care of yourself.  Its hard - its painful - its lonely.  But its the right thing to do.  My thoughts and prayers are with you!

[muffetbuffet]

So glad to hear that you are safe.  I know how difficult it is to make these decisions that we know in our head are what needs to be done, but our heart tells us differently.  Unfortunately, BPD is not something that can go away, everyone needs to learn to live with it the best that they can.  Unfortunately, sometimes "dealing with" it means that our loved one has to be in placement out of the home.  Take care and keep us updated.