Shoplifting

[K1313]

Hey. Sorry to make two new threads in a row but this one seemed pretty distinct from my first thread about settling for relationships.

Are any of your pwBPD shoplifters? My BPDmother confessed to me that she has been shoplifting for about 6 months. She says that she does it because she "feels cheated by the world and this is [her] way of getting something back."

She had a pretty big emotional blow recently (and not just one that she manufactured, one that was legitimate) and she told me about the shoplifting while sobbing on the phone about the other situation. She said "there's something really wrong with me" and when I pressed her as to what she meant, she told me about the shoplifting.

She's in therapy but doesn't want to tell her therapist about it because she's "ashamed". But I don't know what to do. If she gets caught... .I know that I'm not responsible for my mother. She is responsible for herself but I feel as though I have all this information and nothing I can do with it... .

[Meadowslark]

You know, it wouldn't surprise me if my BPDsis shoplifted. She stole things from me, so that's semi-shoplifting. My NPDdad did shoplift quite a bit when he was younger (15 - 25 if memory serves). He makes boatloads of money now so there's probably no reason to continue.

Confessing to you about her shoplifting... .that's a difficult burden to bear. You can't prove it even if you went to the cops... .I'm very sorry you have to deal with that. Really, she should confess to her therapist, not to you. You're right though - you're not responsible for your mother or her actions. What she does is on her conscience, not yours.

/hugs forever

[Kwamina]

Hi K1313,

This is an unpleasant development. She said to you that this was her way of getting back something after being cheated by the world. Given what she said here, do you think she was sincere when she told you she was ashamed of her behavior?

It's good that your mother is in therapy though and my only advice would be to encourage her to discuss this issue with her therapist. You can only do so much though, but perhaps validating what she's going through and offering support can help you speak your truth to her. Here are some links to two resources that might help you with this:

Communication Skills - Validation

COMMUNICATION: S.E.T. technique

The acronym S.E.T. stands for Support, Empathy and Truth:

The S.E.T. communication pattern was developed by Jerold J. Kreisman, MD and Hal Straus for communication with a person with BPD (pwBPD). It consists of a 3 step sequence where first Support is signaled, then Empathy is demonstrated and in a third step Truth is offered.

Few tools are easier to learn as S.E.T. and are as effective in getting across to a pwBPD. Few tools are as universal in everyday life with anyone. It is sort of an walking-on-eggshell antidote.

S.E.T. helps minimize the chance of further conflict or drama while maximizing the chance of getting through to the other person. S.E.T. can also help you stay calmer yourself by focusing on a structured way of communicating and keeping your end goal in mind.

[enlighten me]

I witnessed my exgf shoplift three times. Each time she passed it off that she forgot she was holding it or that she didnt see it in the trolley. The funny thing was each time I was buying the shopping.