Helpless

[refresh]

Hello,

Iam a parent of an 18 year old who after 2 years of constant being brushed away from doctors, therapist and Physiatrists finally got diagnosed with BPD.  I was in a way releived and I think my daughter too, but I was very disappointed on how it was approached.  For one knowing my daughter the way she is, I am not sure if it was a good idea letting her know exactly what she has because she tends and has always been one to over  exaggerate.  Even when she has a headache or any aches and pains she acts as if she is dying.  I am now assuming this is because of her BPD.  The other concern I have is that I hope she isn't using this as a way to get everything her way because she is always demanding things and wants everything her way.  She refuses to part take in any family functions or like clean her room or fend for her self.  She expects me to do it.  I constantly argue with her about this and she completely ignores me and tells me off.  She is constantly asking to go out and be with a couple of her friends because she doesn't have many friends and never had.  She is constantly dragged into drama and everytime my husband and I try to give her support or advise (common sense) advise she turns it away.  She is constantly making bad choices with everything.  She lies, she is not realiable, never committments to anything and is extremly brutal verbally to me. She is now starting to drink. Which has devasted us.  As a small child, she was always needy and I was unable to do anything.  My husband would have to keep her occupied so that I could go out and run errands or even go to work. All through elementary school we had alot of problems with her. She was bullied because of her size and the school was constantly calling me. When she went to high school things only got worse. The school did everything and so did we to try to accomodate her so that she could graduate but nothing worked. She ended up not completing her grade 12.  As she got older, things only got worse. Getting jobs is easy for her but keeping them is another story. She has lost 5 jobs. She got herself in a toxic relationship which we kept telling her it was not right but she completely ignored us.  There was major drama with that. As parents we are walking on egg shells with her. We don't know what to do or what to say to not get her angry. My husband keeps thinking that its her way to get things her way and when she makes these bad choices and realizes it, she turns against the world.  My concern as a parent is her self harm thoughts and we feel handicapped to discipline to do anything to trigger it.  We are on a waiting list for DBT therapy but the wait is a year long.  In the mean time what do we do?

Desparate.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Chosen]

Hi refresh,



It must have been a difficult and disappointing 2 years when your requests were constantly ignored by doctors.  I understand your relief and concern- it's natural to wonder how your daughter will approach her diagnosis and whether she will improve. 

You have asked what to do in the meantime- there is a lot you can do!  The first thing I think is to understand more about BPD:

Video-What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

BPD: What is it? How can I tell?

I have heard good experiences with DBT but it also is a long journey.  However, as a loving parent, there is a lot of support and help you can give her.  You can also read the stories shared here, as many members have similar experiences and they will be able to offer you advise when you need it.  Please share your stories and questions too; it helps clear up your mind when you don't know what to do!

Take care and hope to see you around!

[vivekananda]

Hi refresh  Hi!

I am so glad you have found us. I can hear the hurt in your 'voice' as you explain how it is with your dear daughter. There are many here who understand how it is to be the parent to an adult with BPD.

A parent's greatest wish is for their child, whatever their age, to be healthy and happy. When a child suffers from BPD, often not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness severely affects everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. Most parents search desperately for answers, and try all the gimmicks that popular culture tells us should work - only to face even more severe rages and acting out behavior.

There are answers though, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you reach those goals. There are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better. A great place to start is with this set of resources:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

Boundaries help us set limits that are helpful in 'protecting' ourselves. Validation is the primary skill to help us develop our relationship with our 'children'.

There are many things that you can do, but I don't want to overwhelm you. The most important thing for a parent to do is to look after themselves, only if they are healthy and calm can they be of help to their children.

Is you family supportive? Are you seeing a therapist?

Cheers,

Vivek        

[refresh]

Thank you so much for your kind words.  Unfortunately I don't have much support.  Not that the family doesn't want to give it to me its just hard on them too.  I have 2 boys a 28 year old and a 20 year old.  They are aware that she now has a problem, but hate the fact that she creates so much drama around everyone.  They try to avoid her as much as possible because they don't know how to communicate with her.  At one point when she was much younger, they all got along very well. She was especially close to my 20 year old because they are only 2 1/2 years apart.  Now they barely even talk.  As for my husband he is really good with her and she tends to listen to him more so then anyone but he is extremely tired and frustrated and is starting to give up.  I on the other hand, I am trying to balance everyone including myself.  I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2010 and right after it, I have been dealing with my daughter.  I have spent endless nights in emerg wards and having to go to work the next day.  I am still new at my job and financially I can not aford to lose it.  We are extremely financially in debt and now with my daughter not working and constantly demanding things, its so hard.  My 20 year old only works part time and he is a great person but also has alot of fears and lacks motivation and very low self esteem and very insecure.  The only one working for himself is my older he is a real estate agent and also does sales for hair products.  He is trying to save enought to move out.  So basically we aren't getting any help what so ever financially.  I have not been able to get any support or therapy from anyone. When I discuss anything with my family like my sisters, or my parents, they basically say there is nothing wrong with my daughter its just her personality and its behaviour issues and that I should of been alot tougher with her when she was younger. So now I have not only my family but my husband too is starting to blame me.  I am a mess and alone. I don't want to sound like I am complaining and I am sure there are alot of faimly wors off then me but I must admit I am human and and I do have my breaking down moments. Once again thanks for your compassion.

[vivekananda]

Refresh, here you are not alone, you are amongst good people here - welcome to our family!

Personally I relate so well to the feeling of being blamed for my dd's (dear daughter) mental health. Only this year when I found out about BPD have I been able to explain it to people a bit and now they are starting to see more clearly and sympathetically. But my dd is 32 now.

You mention you had breast cancer. The first rule here is to take care of yourself. You cannot help your dd or anyone if you are not well. Look after yourself refresh, live a healthy life - you need to model this for your dd. Even if it's just going out for a long walk to get some exercise, fresh air and time out in general, you can do this for yourself.

Please come to our parent's board. Here we learn from each other, we support each other and we are all on the same journey. You can introduce your self there:

Supporting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board

I will keep an eye out for you there,

Vivek      

[Reality]

Hello refresh,

Somehow I never saw your thread before today.  I am sorry that I did not welcome you to the board. 

It is not easy when one of your children has BPD, I know.  I hope you find lots of good advice here.  We get to know each other and even though we have never met, we all become good friends.  Each person here is a treasure for the rest of us.

I am one of the lone rangers here, as we lost our son this October.  Just so you know, not many here have to face such a tragedy.  There has been improvement for many pwBPD here and certainly improved lives for the parents. 

I hope you keep posting.  We learn from each other.

May your day tomorrow be a good one.

Reality

[lbjnltx]

Hi refresh   

So glad to have you here on the Supporting Board. 

The confusion, frustration and fear for parents of a pwBPD (person with BPD) will take it's toll and have an effect on every aspect of our lives.  Self care is paramount... .why?  Because if you are not well and stable you cannot help your d18.  As Vivek mentioned, modeling the behaviors you desire from your d18 important.  When our BPD children have a stable and secure environment to live in it creates the opportunity for learning and healing.

Getting yourself and all the family members into some kind of therapy is modeling healthy behaviors while practicing self care.  I understand that this is sometimes a difficult task.  While waiting for DBT to begin, are there other options for family therapy?

Your d18 cannot be forced to go... .don't let that stop you or the rest of the family from going.  It can benefit all of you and your d18 will then benefit from a healthier and more stable family home environment.

Learn about BPD so that her behaviors begin to make sense to you.  For example, when she is demanding her way about something it helps to understand her FEELINGS.  In that moment, she is overwhelmed with the intense desire to get what she wants.  In that moment it is the be all and end all.  She FEELS that if you understood how important it is to her that if you love her you will give her what she wants.  It is much like a two year old in the toy isle desiring a toy that you won't buy for her.  The tantrum ensues... .the key is to learn how to say "no" and be confident in your skills on how to do it.  These skills can minimize the fall out and help your d get through those moments of intense desire.  Through therapy your d18 can learn how to cope with those intense feelings... .so you see... .when both of you are using skills growth and change are possible.

I hope this helps you get a foothold on what you can do now and gives you a direction to work in.

 

lbjnltx

[Being Mindful]

Hello Refresh! 

Welcome to the parents board!

A quick introduction is that I have a 20 year old daughter with BPD. It's a horrible illness. My d did DBT for quite sometime and together with her we did a 5 month adolescent/parent skills group. When that was done she continued individual DBT with her therapist. She eventually quit seeking therapy after she was terminated. While this may sound dreadfully hopeless, it is not. My DH and I continued learning about BPD, DBT, SET, Validation, Boundaries, Radical Acceptance. I read books and together we were in therapy to help with coping, the grieving etc. We have reached a much healthier place for ourselves and we actively use the skills we have learned. In doing so, we find our d. to be in a much better place. That is to say that even though she does not use the skills herself, we have received more peace and joy in our relationship with her. We see that in using our skills it helps her. So, keep in mind that even if your d. refuses treatment, you and your H. can find a more normal balance for yourselves, which will help your d.

Again, welcome to the boards.

Being Mindful

[eac]

Hello refresh.  I can hear the pain and anguish in your posts.  I have a 14dd with BPD and we have had some difficult times.  I can most empathize with your concerns for your middle son.  My middle son, now 17, suffers greatly from anxiety and depression and much of that is due to his sister's unpredictable behavior.  He has been in therapy for about a year and things are getting a little better but he is very much an underachiever.  It is so sad and frustrating to see this illness not only affect the pwBPD but other members of the family as well.  One of my saddest regrets is that my family is not close - everyone just scatters to avoid the conflict.

I encourage you to reach out to everyone you can to try and get help sooner.  I can't tell where you live but many people in my community have found the easter seals to be of great help for mental health services - although I am not sure if they help those over 18.

My dd has made great strides with DBT.  I am almost afraid to say it allowed for silly superstitious fear that she will have a set back but we have had a real good 2 months.  However, we have thrown everything we have at it - 2x week therapy, special services at school, family therapy and a residential stay.  I wish you the strength to keeping seeking help for you dd and to stay here where you will find much support and wisdom.

[vivekananda]

You said: "My dd has made great strides with DBT.  I am almost afraid to say it allowed for silly superstitious fear that she will have a set back but we have had a real good 2 months."

woohoo! Good news! I love it. So happy for you eac. You make us all feel better for it. I hope Xmas is really happy for you all and that 2013 continues to improve.

Vivek     

[refresh]

Hello Everyone,

Thank you so much for your comforting and support.  I have been away from the site for awhile now as I was very discouraged.  I have been trying so hard to see if I can meet with a therapist or even a phystrist that deals with BPD to sit with my husband and I and just simply answer some of our questions and concerns till she gets to do her DBT which she is on a list for.  Unfortunagtely its a year wait and I do not know at this point how long it will be.  Even for family support its a year wait.  I have tried different resources but no luck.  I am from Canada and unfortunately the support here sucks!.  My daughter is seeing a therapist who has some knowledge of the disorder and she was trying to set something up where my husband and i would meet with someone just to answer a few questions till we get into the family support group at camh but she couldn't get any support as well.  From what I got from her its a disorder that not to many professionals like to deal with and I can understand but on the same token we do have individuals with the disorder that need help.  The only way to get the answers and concerns resolved would be very costly for us and financially we just can't afford it.  Believe it or not my daughter is sucking us dry financially.  All I am asking for is that my husband and I sit with a professional for about 1/2 hour to answer some questions.  This would help alot because it would make it alot easier to deal with her.  He doesn't really understand the disorder.  He only knows because of the research I have done and explained it to him but he is having a real hard time accepting it. 

Once again thank you all for your kind and suppporting words.

I will try to come on more often.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Being Mindful]

Hello refresh,

Glad to see you back. I do hope that you continue coming here for support.

Since it is a struggle trying to get the answers from someone locally, how about a video?

Video-What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

Here's another good one:

Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD

This is a good article for you and your dh:

Supporting a Loved-one with Borderline Personality Disorder

Perhaps the resources here will help. I know they did for me... .  

Take care.

Being Mindful

[vivekananda]

Hi refresh,

I've been away on holidays. I thought I'd just pop in and ask how you were going?

Vivek