Just got back and I'm thinking about things

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

 harmkrakow,

I just want to wish you well on your trip and to definitely drop us a line or two on how it's going. You'll be okay... .   we're here for you!  

I recently returned back to Holland after staying a week with her in Poland.

And man oh man, puzzle pieces are slowly, agonizingly, falling together... .  

I spend new years eve with her, and for some reason we kept up appearances, she doesn't have a lot of friends so having me around and just 'having fun' was nice for her. Any sense of serious talk was not wanted by her at all what so ever. It was 'to hard for her head'. Other than that, the intimacy is awesome. However, she smokes and drinks, a bit to much to my liking. She didnt' do that in the beginning. As in, she didn't do that! ... at all...

So the next day, I wanted to sort of start the conversation. She showed zero signs of emotions, and could not take my crying. She got upset about it. I had to stop it. When we went to bed and I told her, that i'm sorry for whatever I have done to her to make her so upset. And she said with a emotionless face that she thinks i'm not even half sorry for everything I've done to her (?). I couldn't take that, cuz that really hurted and showed a tear and then she told me straight away, stop it! It's to hard on my head! We then kept up appearances, just 'put up a smile' but nothing else until last weekend (fri/sat/sun). On an emotional basis it was by far the most difficult week in my life. I was in a different country, for an entire week not knowing whether or not we'll stay in a relationship, whether I would get dumped or not etc. Without any serious talking. She told me, all the crying i've done, has no impact on her. And she keeps saying, why are you crying? You have no reason to cry... .  

She told me she was so shocked that I had stress and had issues coping with it that she started flirting with other guys, she wanted to cheat with me, she was seeking attention from other persons and gave examples again as, if another guy would open a door for her, she would feel so appreciated... .   If I would do it (as ive done last week with her) ... I would act to nice is what she told me ... and then she gets upset and reacts with painful sentences; "I hate you, why are you so nice?, You are a btch, i'm nothing special, go seek a different girlfriend ... etc". Every little thing could burst her thought like balloon. The problem is, you can't see those emotional outbursts coming from her. Even a little thing like a drop of water in the bathroom on a piece of clothing can get her mad. And just the moment you think you're having a good moment, all out of a sudden she can just have a huge outburts which you didnt see coming and whatever you say (A to Z) everything gets fired back at you.

When I told her I was so shocked that she switched all out of a sudden and that that hurted me so much she got so angry and pissed off. She told me that I was the one making the mistake and I was the one letting it all fall down. And that i'm pure reacting on her reaction on me having stress. It felt to me that I was not allowed to make any mistake at all in the relationship. I don't think she ever had love feelings for me at all, not even from the beginning.

I also heard from her that she suffered from bulimia when she was younger... .   I have recorded so much of material between the two of us last week to realize what has happened. It helps me when I feel ~, and I look at it, I realize that that isn't the girl who was so sweet/nice months and months ago. And yeah, i'm getting more and more confident that what we shared as a relationship, fits the textbook example of how a borderline relationship dissolves/gets muffed over. And I have heard this from people around me as well. They see me go completely down the drain, it takes away all my physical and emotional strength and it sucks out my life. People are worried about me.

Although I love her to death, and although every time I leave her, I cry to tears because I still see this picture of her how she once was and still could not believe for the love of everything that exists that that suddenly got so switched. When I left her yesterday, she assured me we made good steps in the relationship ... However, ever since she texted me if I landed in Holland I haven't heard anything back from her. And I of course have been trying to seek contact, mail and calls, no reply.

Do I feel good at the moment? No. I miss her, I don't understand why she switched in her head. She complains to me about me having a lack of empathy but I don't feel she even knows what it means. She doesn't regret anything in her life, and she doesn't regret the relationship with her abusive ex-boyfriend. I think she can't be emotionally attached to someone else besides herself.  

I don't know what to do  :'(

The plan is now to come back in 16 days to her place, then we fly to Paris for another weekend of talks. I think about her all the time and have this false belief in my head that she might see the light one day. I can't let her go ... I see her as my biggest failure in life, and the fact that she can walk away out of that so easily, it hurts. I'm not allowed to show emotions and the fact she keeps telling me, you don't have reasons to cry, man oh man...

So basically, I went there for an entire week to talk and discuss our relationship, we ended up in maybe talking in total, a 3 to 4 hours about everything... .   she continues her life (relatively easy) and im left with still ~ loads of unanswered questions.  

[HarmKrakow]

 harmkrakow,

I just want to wish you well on your trip and to definitely drop us a line or two on how it's going. You'll be okay... .   we're here for you!  

I recently returned back to Holland after staying a week with her in Poland.

And man oh man, puzzle pieces are slowly, agonizingly, falling together... .  

I spend new years eve with her, and for some reason we kept up appearances, she doesn't have a lot of friends so having me around and just 'having fun' was nice for her. Any sense of serious talk was not wanted by her at all what so ever. It was 'to hard for her head'. Other than that, the intimacy is awesome. However, she smokes and drinks, a bit to much to my liking. She didnt' do that in the beginning. As in, she didn't do that! ... at all...

So the next day, I wanted to sort of start the conversation. She showed zero signs of emotions, and could not take my crying. She got upset about it. I had to stop it. When we went to bed and I told her, that i'm sorry for whatever I have done to her to make her so upset. And she said with a emotionless face that she thinks i'm not even half sorry for everything I've done to her (?). I couldn't take that, cuz that really hurted and showed a tear and then she told me straight away, stop it! It's to hard on my head! We then kept up appearances, just 'put up a smile' but nothing else until last weekend (fri/sat/sun). On an emotional basis it was by far the most difficult week in my life. I was in a different country, for an entire week not knowing whether or not we'll stay in a relationship, whether I would get dumped or not etc. Without any serious talking. She told me, all the crying i've done, has no impact on her. And she keeps saying, why are you crying? You have no reason to cry... .  

She told me she was so shocked that I had stress and had issues coping with it that she started flirting with other guys, she wanted to cheat with me, she was seeking attention from other persons and gave examples again as, if another guy would open a door for her, she would feel so appreciated... .   If I would do it (as ive done last week with her) ... I would act to nice is what she told me ... and then she gets upset and reacts with painful sentences; "I hate you, why are you so nice?, You are a btch, i'm nothing special, go seek a different girlfriend ... etc". Every little thing could burst her thought like balloon. The problem is, you can't see those emotional outbursts coming from her. Even a little thing like a drop of water in the bathroom on a piece of clothing can get her mad. And just the moment you think you're having a good moment, all out of a sudden she can just have a huge outburts which you didnt see coming and whatever you say (A to Z) everything gets fired back at you.

When I told her I was so shocked that she switched all out of a sudden and that that hurted me so much she got so angry and pissed off. She told me that I was the one making the mistake and I was the one letting it all fall down. And that i'm pure reacting on her reaction on me having stress. It felt to me that I was not allowed to make any mistake at all in the relationship. I don't think she ever had love feelings for me at all, not even from the beginning.

I also heard from her that she suffered from bulimia when she was younger... .   I have recorded so much of material between the two of us last week to realize what has happened. It helps me when I feel ~, and I look at it, I realize that that isn't the girl who was so sweet/nice months and months ago. And yeah, i'm getting more and more confident that what we shared as a relationship, fits the textbook example of how a borderline relationship dissolves/gets muffed over. And I have heard this from people around me as well. They see me go completely down the drain, it takes away all my physical and emotional strength and it sucks out my life. People are worried about me.

Although I love her to death, and although every time I leave her, I cry to tears because I still see this picture of her how she once was and still could not believe for the love of everything that exists that that suddenly got so switched. When I left her yesterday, she assured me we made good steps in the relationship ... However, ever since she texted me if I landed in Holland I haven't heard anything back from her. And I of course have been trying to seek contact, mail and calls, no reply.

Do I feel good at the moment? No. I miss her, I don't understand why she switched in her head. She complains to me about me having a lack of empathy but I don't feel she even knows what it means. She doesn't regret anything in her life, and she doesn't regret the relationship with her abusive ex-boyfriend. I think she can't be emotionally attached to someone else besides herself.  

I don't know what to do  :'(

The plan is now to come back in 16 days to her place, then we fly to Paris for another weekend of talks. I think about her all the time and have this false belief in my head that she might see the light one day. I can't let her go ... I see her as my biggest failure in life, and the fact that she can walk away out of that so easily, it hurts. I'm not allowed to show emotions and the fact she keeps telling me, you don't have reasons to cry, man oh man...

So basically, I went there for an entire week to talk and discuss our relationship, we ended up in maybe talking in total, a 3 to 4 hours about everything... .   she continues her life (relatively easy) and im left with still ~ loads of unanswered questions.  

[Sabine]

harmkrakow,

Thanks for the update... .  sorry it doesn't seem like a very productive trip but if you really look at it, it's exactly what you're in store for with any future with her. It's been my experience that going back to gather more information to make it work out, only complicates your emotional stability.

I went back to my uBPDbf and for a while he could 'hold it together'... .  until he couldn't. I used to think that if he loved me enough, he'd be able to sustain joy in having me in his life. Unfortunately, BPD doesn't work this way and it was better for me to get out and stay out while I could still function. I was a mess for awhile, but at least it was a different kind of mess than it would have been if I stayed with him... .  

[HarmKrakow]

harmkrakow,

Thanks for the update... .  sorry it doesn't seem like a very productive trip but if you really look at it, it's exactly what you're in store for with any future with her. It's been my experience that going back to gather more information to make it work out, only complicates your emotional stability.

I went back to my uBPDbf and for a while he could 'hold it together'... .  until he couldn't. I used to think that if he loved me enough, he'd be able to sustain joy in having me in his life. Unfortunately, BPD doesn't work this way and it was better for me to get out and stay out while I could still function. I was a mess for awhile, but at least it was a different kind of mess than it would have been if I stayed with him... .  

What an awesome sentence ... cuz this is exactly how i think about all this. I tend to believe by being with her I make her life easier ...

[IfOnlyIKnew]

There are so many similarities in our stories. That's crazy how some pwBPD would use the same sentences and how some nonBPD would react the same way to them. My exBPD could never bear to see me crying either. I had no "right" to cry, cuz I've had an happy childhood, I had this and that, while she didn't. I felt very sad for her, and still feel sad, but I was not responsible for what happened in her childhood (!). No matter how hard I tried to fix things, it would always end by being my fault. Like you, I've always thought that she could get better with me cuz I knew what was going on with her and I was very caring and loving, but obviously it was never enough, nothing was never enough, and now I really think that the only person who could help her is a therapist... .  

I'm really very new here, so I don't want to make mistakes at giving wrong advices, but all I've learned so far is that nobody deserves being treated like this even if the love seems to be the strongest we've ever felt.

[HarmKrakow]

There are so many similarities in our stories. That's crazy how some pwBPD would use the same sentences and how some nonBPD would react the same way to them. My exBPD could never bear to see me crying either. I had no "right" to cry, cuz I've had an happy childhood, I had this and that, while she didn't. I felt very sad for her, and still feel sad, but I was not responsible for what happened in her childhood (!). No matter how hard I tried to fix things, it would always end by being my fault. Like you, I've always thought that she could get better with me cuz I knew what was going on with her and I was very caring and loving, but obviously it was never enough, nothing was never enough, and now I really think that the only person who could help her is a therapist... .  

I'm really very new here, so I don't want to make mistakes at giving wrong advices, but all I've learned so far is that nobody deserves being treated like this even if the love seems to be the strongest we've ever felt.

I don't think it's love what we felt. We project it in our head, that what they gave us, was love, however in reality, to them, it meant something completely different.

Unfortunately ...

And yeah, the good part of it, is that there are so many similarities! Which is such an good thing although im still in a relationship.

[IfOnlyIKnew]

How are you these days ? How the communication with her is going ?

Are you planning your trip there ?

[charred]

Its not love but something different... .  think you are right.

My exBPDgf was pissed at something I said a while back, she had taken up with another guy right after I dumped her and she said I wasn't really in love with her, I thought I was but it was an attachment issue, get a clue. At the time I argued, but since then I have been looking in to attachment theory/attachment issues and disorders and think she knew what she was talking about. I still feel strongly toward her, after 30 yrs. I had all kinds of puppy love for other girls, and dated a number of people, and have fond memories of them, but they are just memories now... no strong attachment really. My exwife I care about, love even, but it is like the love for a sister more than anything. The exBPDgf was different, and I think it was need based on both our parts and that is what made it so strong a bond. My pwBPD needed someone that had a strong self, was independent and stable, and pretty tough, and who didn't want to leave her. I met that criteria. Her dad is a consultant, distant, avoidant, stiff upper lip, and far more like me than I want to admit. Suspect that pulled me in. She is a perpetual victim and I am a rescuer, and that added to it. For me, she gave what seemed like unconditional love (at first) and she dismissed my boundaries that keep most people at a distance and got through to me like no one else did. You can keep your love for your mother your whole life through, and I think that the neediness I had in that area, transferred to my pwBPD. The problem is that she is BPD, and flipped to conditional everything, clinging, and then lots of hating. But in general it looks like our strong, irrational attractions to our pwBPD is need based, and not just on the BPD person's side, but at least in my case, on my side as well. What a bad choice for a mom substitute... .  should have got a puppy.

To the person with BPD, I think they need validation that they matter to someone, and they are driven to keep someone validating them. They loop through seducer/clinger/hater like it was scripted and on autopilot almost. It is sad to see, and I hate the thought that I gave up a genuine loving relationship with my wife, and hurt my daughter for an illusory "true love" that was tied to deep seated mental issues of both my exBPDgf, and myself.

So if it was need, it was a need so strong that the one person that ever seemed to fill it still has a strong effect on me 30 yrs later... .  would have called it "true love"... .  think it was "true need"... need more T for sure.

[Leaf]

Hi harmkrakow,

I'm Dutch as well, by the way. I feel for you. It's so hard to stop picturing what could have been and to face the reality of a partner who won't be able to really love you and to be good for you. Anyway, that's what I've come to realize about my ex. I have thought for years that me and him could work through the difficulties. Each time he did something unforgivable I forgave him anyway. I took a lot of fights, break-ups and make-ups for me to recognize the pattern and to finally lose faith.

A couple of months ago I ordered "The essential family guide to Borderline PD" on Amazon. I tried some of the techniques in the book and this approach improved my relationship somewhat. But in retrospect too much had happened already. Maybe you can read it and have better luck.  Recovered BPD's seem to exist! Reading it also helped me to finally distance myself from my BPD partner.

[HarmKrakow]

How are you these days ? How the communication with her is going ?

Are you planning your trip there ?

Communication has been rough. I have disclosed myself from friend and family last days as she has been basically walking over me again.

She found out that I blew one of my exams and turned this upside down to mention that the last 3 months have been fake, lies, and everything more. That I can not be trusted, that my intentions are solely based on my own, and although I might try very hard, I do it wrong. I had a ticket booked to see her this Monday, however she gave me a call today that she does not want to see me.

She then staid quiet for a while and was shocked i wasn't crying or, as she always says it overreacting (crying to her is synonym for overreacting).

It's like, you try an entire week to make her happy, than you blow it at one wrong sentence, one wrong line, or look and you can start all over again. And the very first moment I would say that i'm so emotionally drained because of her, she gets wilder. The mere thought of me blaming her the way I feel is not allowed in our relationship. Because it is all my own responsibility... .  

The thing I maintain surprised about is her ultimate lack of empathy and maybe even more coldness. The pure cold from her tone, her voice, as there is no feeling at all.

So how am I doing?

Officially still in a relationship, but after the phone call, we haven't had contact. I guess I have to wait again before she contacts me again and hopefully I can go there to visit her. After last monday when she completely smashed me to the floor, I basically have been lying in bed, not doing anything.

[HarmKrakow]

Hi harmkrakow,

I'm Dutch as well, by the way. I feel for you. It's so hard to stop picturing what could have been and to face the reality of a partner who won't be able to really love you and to be good for you. Anyway, that's what I've come to realize about my ex. I have thought for years that me and him could work through the difficulties. Each time he did something unforgivable I forgave him anyway. I took a lot of fights, break-ups and make-ups for me to recognize the pattern and to finally lose faith.

A couple of months ago I ordered "The essential family guide to Borderline PD" on Amazon. I tried some of the techniques in the book and this approach improved my relationship somewhat. But in retrospect too much had happened already. Maybe you can read it and have better luck.  Recovered BPD's seem to exist! Reading it also helped me to finally distance myself from my BPD partner.

Dankjewel  To be frankly honest, i wouldn't have the balls to tell my gf that she has BPD. She would throw me in the river.

I don't know if I can work out the difficulties with my current gfBPD however, it's dragging me down and jeopardizing a whole lot more than my r/s. Also my own social life/family/work. And that is the thing which worries me the most.

[IfOnlyIKnew]

How are you these days ? How the communication with her is going ?

Are you planning your trip there ?

Communication has been rough. I have disclosed myself from friend and family last days as she has been basically walking over me again.

She found out that I blew one of my exams and turned this upside down to mention that the last 3 months have been fake, lies, and everything more. That I can not be trusted, that my intentions are solely based on my own, and although I might try very hard, I do it wrong. I had a ticket booked to see her this Monday, however she gave me a call today that she does not want to see me.

She then staid quiet for a while and was shocked i wasn't crying or, as she always says it overreacting (crying to her is synonym for overreacting).

It's like, you try an entire week to make her happy, than you blow it at one wrong sentence, one wrong line, or look and you can start all over again. And the very first moment I would say that i'm so emotionally drained because of her, she gets wilder. The mere thought of me blaming her the way I feel is not allowed in our relationship. Because it is all my own responsibility... .  

The thing I maintain surprised about is her ultimate lack of empathy and maybe even more coldness. The pure cold from her tone, her voice, as there is no feeling at all.

So how am I doing?

Officially still in a relationship, but after the phone call, we haven't had contact. I guess I have to wait again before she contacts me again and hopefully I can go there to visit her. After last monday when she completely smashed me to the floor, I basically have been lying in bed, not doing anything.

sad to read these news... .  I hoped perhaps things would get smooth since you had this trip to her planned. Actually, I remember that we used to spat quite strongly before each meeting. I don't know why... .  Perhaps she had too strong emotions to deal with at that moment.

I know that you don't want and can't move on right now, but as somebody told me, perhaps you should consider it before trashing your whole life for "nothing".

Take care of yourself first. 

[HarmKrakow]

How are you these days ? How the communication with her is going ?

Are you planning your trip there ?

Communication has been rough. I have disclosed myself from friend and family last days as she has been basically walking over me again.

She found out that I blew one of my exams and turned this upside down to mention that the last 3 months have been fake, lies, and everything more. That I can not be trusted, that my intentions are solely based on my own, and although I might try very hard, I do it wrong. I had a ticket booked to see her this Monday, however she gave me a call today that she does not want to see me.

She then staid quiet for a while and was shocked i wasn't crying or, as she always says it overreacting (crying to her is synonym for overreacting).

It's like, you try an entire week to make her happy, than you blow it at one wrong sentence, one wrong line, or look and you can start all over again. And the very first moment I would say that i'm so emotionally drained because of her, she gets wilder. The mere thought of me blaming her the way I feel is not allowed in our relationship. Because it is all my own responsibility... .  

The thing I maintain surprised about is her ultimate lack of empathy and maybe even more coldness. The pure cold from her tone, her voice, as there is no feeling at all.

So how am I doing?

Officially still in a relationship, but after the phone call, we haven't had contact. I guess I have to wait again before she contacts me again and hopefully I can go there to visit her. After last monday when she completely smashed me to the floor, I basically have been lying in bed, not doing anything.

sad to read these news... .  I hoped perhaps things would get smooth since you had this trip to her planned. Actually, I remember that we used to spat quite strongly before each meeting. I don't know why... .  Perhaps she had too strong emotions to deal with at that moment.

I know that you don't want and can't move on right now, but as somebody told me, perhaps you should consider it before trashing your whole life for "nothing".

Take care of yourself first. 

I would like to thank you for your reply and also an update on regards of where I stand as of this point.

Last sunday I emailed her in regards of some outstanding debt she has in the netherlands and that we had to discuss options.

She gave me a text and said can you come online?

I came online and an enormous outburst enraged from her; "Why are you freaking me out? I thought you solved this? What is wrong with you? Are you even solving this problem? How can I trust you? I don't trust you anymore? F*ck you, you always     ing freaking me out with these debt mails before I go to bed, what is wrong with you etc. I don't want to see you on Monday, that i'm certain as you lack the ability to have empathy for others ... "

I explained it in 5 minutes, we had a 20 minute talk, we finished with 'good night babe, good night babe'. Since then i received 3 short mails from her that she is busy at work ... and today I noticed she blocked me at Facebook, skype and another chat program. Without any notification, email, or anything. Nothing(!) No explanation or anything.

I think the end has come :'( ... .  I spoke with my shrink on Monday and he told me, continue with your own life, go away, do your thing, your blocking your own progress this way. She has signs of strong borderline and post traumatic stress disorder... "But the pain I said ... i want to help her, i want to help her in life, and she just doesn't see it ... "

I seriously don't know what to do...

I'm SURE she will contact me soon, but I don't know how I should react? I seriously lost her, all I tried was to help her and she shouts and rages that I don't understand her feelings... .  

[Washisheart]

You may consider blocking her so that when she comes to call you, you can't be reached. Seriously, she blocked you for not taking care of HER debt? It gets so tiring, dealing with people who think the sun rises & sets around them and their needs.

You may want to consider NC, atleast long enough to really think about your own needs

[Sabine]

I agree with Washisheart, it's time you start focusing on you and you may need to completely block her. It's not easy, and I know you're hurting, but I'm glad to hear you're with a therapist who seems to know about BPD. This is a major plus for you... .  give yourself a chance to learn about what drives you to want to be with someone this disordered. I know it sounds so cliché, but you really deserve better and it's up to you to find your happiness within yourself.

Do you think you could end it and go NC? 

[HarmKrakow]

You may consider blocking her so that when she comes to call you, you can't be reached. Seriously, she blocked you for not taking care of HER debt? It gets so tiring, dealing with people who think the sun rises & sets around them and their needs.

You may want to consider NC, atleast long enough to really think about your own needs

Thanks. Yip, i've been trying to solve her debt issues, because she forgot to claim stuff through health insurance. Meaning never paid for, and therefore huge fines + administration debt what she figured out months later. I took the work on me, discussing between debt collection agencies, health insurance etc. Every time i bring up the topic and I just have to say 1 word wrong, she shouts out and rages, why are you scaring me? stressing me for this? I thought you helped me? This is not help, your making me not being able to sleep. It's seriously tiring because when I say ok, fine, i won't let you in on how it goes, she says no, keep me in the loop and updated... .   

You know the funny thing is ... ? She says the sun rises & sets around me! And wants me to show more empathy towards her! (although my shrink says it baloney i don't have empathy feelings, i tend to focus even to much on her, and she might be so obsessed in her own world that she can't see that)... i'll take your option in consideration i'm just afraid for another huge outbursts of her 

[HarmKrakow]

I agree with Washisheart, it's time you start focusing on you and you may need to completely block her. It's not easy, and I know you're hurting, but I'm glad to hear you're with a therapist who seems to know about BPD. This is a major plus for you... .  give yourself a chance to learn about what drives you to want to be with someone this disordered. I know it sounds so cliché, but you really deserve better and it's up to you to find your happiness within yourself.

Do you think you could end it and go NC? 

I'm afraid of the hell that might open due to that. The emotional outbursts she can give are tremendous. When she shouts and gets angry I have the feeling the earth trembles, and yeah, all the anger is all pointed towards one direction. Me... NC might be the best solution. I need to stop the bleeding, take 1 step backwards look at all this and wonder what the fudge berry cheesecake i'm doing. All I want to do is to help her, and it even hurts if she tells me that whatever i'm doing, it's not working. And then points out that whatever other people are doing, is working with her. My shrink says the possibility of having a life with her due to that illness is basically none and it's not worth throwing your career, money and life over the rails for that.

And yeah I got myself lucky with a shrink who knows his stuff about PTSS and BPD. As she had severe traumatic experiences in the past as well. It feels good to have someone who tries to put your own puzzle together so you see the clear picture rather than some small fragments of it. And yeah, I still see her as a normal person, while my shrink keeps telling me that I should see it from a different perspective.

[IfOnlyIKnew]

I came online and an enormous outburst enraged from her; "Why are you freaking me out? I thought you solved this? What is wrong with you? Are you even solving this problem? How can I trust you? I don't trust you anymore? F*ck you, you always     ing freaking me out with these debt mails before I go to bed, what is wrong with you etc. I don't want to see you on Monday, that i'm certain as you lack the ability to have empathy for others ... "

This sounds soo familiar ! My expwBPD didn't pay attention to any administrative stuff, then when the problems arrived, she asked me to solve them since it was "MY ROTTEN COUNTRY" that did that to HER ! And of course I'd be blamed for everything if it couldn't be solved the way she wanted or as fast as she wanted... .  God... .  I still wonder how I could bear all this... .  

I know exactly how you feel when she has these extreme outburts. It's really scary and it hurts so much

I think you already know what you should do to feel better and save yourself and your whole life, it's only a question of time and you'll be ready to do it soon... .  Her last behaviour towards you might help a little as it has helped me. When I feel I could be weak, I recall the stupid outbursts and the insults, and I know that I couldn't take this anymore.

There is a peaceful life away from this, believe me


PS : why when somebody posts on this thread, it doesn't go up in the threads' list ?

[IfOnlyIKnew]

PS : why when somebody posts on this thread, it doesn't go up in the threads' list ?

ok, sorry, it does. I didn't pay attention your thread had been moved to another board 

[HarmKrakow]

I came online and an enormous outburst enraged from her; "Why are you freaking me out? I thought you solved this? What is wrong with you? Are you even solving this problem? How can I trust you? I don't trust you anymore? F*ck you, you always     ing freaking me out with these debt mails before I go to bed, what is wrong with you etc. I don't want to see you on Monday, that i'm certain as you lack the ability to have empathy for others ... "

This sounds soo familiar ! My expwBPD didn't pay attention to any administrative stuff, then when the problems arrived, she asked me to solve them since it was "MY ROTTEN COUNTRY" that did that to HER ! And of course I'd be blamed for everything if it couldn't be solved the way she wanted or as fast as she wanted... .  God... .  I still wonder how I could bear all this... .  

I know exactly how you feel when she has these extreme outburts. It's really scary and it hurts so much

I think you already know what you should do to feel better and save yourself and your whole life, it's only a question of time and you'll be ready to do it soon... .  Her last behaviour towards you might help a little as it has helped me. When I feel I could be weak, I recall the stupid outbursts and the insults, and I know that I couldn't take this anymore.

There is a peaceful life away from this, believe me

Yes, ROTTEN COUNTRY! That's what i also heard, she was in my country for a year, liked it at the time, now says it was horrible, discriminating.

And yes, the moment she has such an outburst, it doesn't matter what you say, whether you say rice, tokyo, washington, amsterdam, I love you or i hate you, everything gets 'securitized' in an evil little package and is backfired at you with so much passion. Brrrrr.

And yes, in a way the NC might help. Because she accuses me of not doing anything for her, and if i do, i do it all wrong and ~ it up for her, while in reality it's all the other way around. She's drowning in stress. But yeah, the anger and the hatred do come a little around the corner. You are literally doing everything you can for this girl, because you feel she has suffered and you want to help her, but after 9 good deeds, 1 single screw up and your back at zero. 

She just texted, a super sweet text but drenched with (in my opinion sarcasm and narcissism) and it made me boil. Didn't text her back. She didn't say anything in regards of the blocking etc.

And you know what, after all this, I still want to help her, everywhere I can, be there for her, assist her when necessary and above that also miss her, even the 'evil' version of her. I seriously want to pull my head out of the sand ... I wrote down a list of things i like and dislike about her, the list was completely imbalanced! 5(+) and 17(-)!

[hithere]

the list was completely imbalanced! 5(+) and 17(-)!

That is a great idea.  I did that and I also made a list of deal-breakers, things in the relationship I could not bear to live with.  I refer back to that list anytime I was missing her over the first few months, it really helped.

[charred]

The pros/cons are good... also look at how much time was each way;

I have spent about 4 yrs around my pwBPD.

About 8 mos of that was idealizing, and WONDERFUL.

About 4 mos was like a normal r/s, and nice.

About 1 yr was clinging/arguing... but not truly awfull... just bad.

About 2 yrs was hell on earth, receiving abuse, hate, being painted black.

1/4th time Great  3/4 time varying degrees of BAD.

Also think of when it was that way... .  over time the proportion of bad to good became more bad and less good.