Just had a bit of a freakout

[Mistified247]

I stupidly was searching through my work emails and found a load that I had sent to my exBPD (it had her replies in there too). It made me feel guilty and bad again, because she appeared to be making a concerted effort to be her nice side (which she probably was for about 70% of the time during the relationship). It brought back things that I was fond of doing with her, relaxing with a meal in etc. I have since deleted them, having read through alot of them to remind me of her positives and only a couple of negatives.

Did anyone else have a similar experience when they were going through their breakup? That their exBPD was being extremely nice and positive and happy go lucky?  I've been NC since September now, despite the fact that I did want to remain friends, I don't think she would handle it, which is a shame.  I was the one that decided to end things (with my head this was a straight for choice, but my heart struggles on... .  ). Today is more difficult than normal

[blurry]

 Sounds normal to me, i do it all the time. Keep going back and forth between telling myself i was treated badly and couldnt stand for that, and telling myself that it was all my fault and she was perfectly healthy and that im personally labeling her BPD to protect my own ego, or justify my own choices.

Absolutley love going through all the 100s of "i love you" texts she sent, but then the "i hate you" or "i never loved you" texts show up too, in between. It was almost like the messages came from two different people. In my case, bottom line, there was no commitment on her part, PD or not. Trying to keep reminding myself of that.

How much can you really afford to sacrifice for someone like this? I'llness or not, i know i cant help her or our relationship if im not healthy myself, physically, emotionally and financially. 3rd breakup with her and day 5 of NC, and i know im doing better this time than i did after the first 2, hope it keeps getting easier each day, rather than harder.

[catalina]

I do this all the time. And my pwBPD constantly tries to remind me of the "good times" although they are all tainted with abuse and I don't see the good in them anymore. Remember, that other 30% of the time is why you left the relationship.

I deleted all the old emails from years ago. Don't read them anymore. It's not the same relationship it was in the beginning.

[smartwoman220]

I erased all my messages last night, after I read the over and over again. Every other day  our messages flipped from I love you to him saying he was leaving to ahim asking what size ring I wore... .        a total mess.

I had to erase them, other wise I would have kept analyzing them, and missing  him... .     Out of all the people in my phone, he had sent me  triple the amoutn of messages of any one else.


Erasing them was a good way to stop my self from ruminating. For I minute though I thought maybe I was the crazy one, for  looking at them so long

I do wonder if he misses me ... .     


Gotta stop that !

[Hope 4 a better day]

My BPD X gf was so very nice about 65% of the time and she demonstrated that nice behavior with everyone else 100% of the time. Once we moved in together and were behind closed doors she acted like the devil at times so mean and so hateful. When I finally left her she contacted me so concerned about a medical problem I was having. I was so afraid of her mood swings I had no choice but to shut her out and start N/C as I could not let that game work again. I have since at times had some regrets about that choice however I focused only one thing. The fact that she would not get any help for her abusive behavior and take any responsibility for her past abuse towards me. That choice got me through a lot of pain I was going through. Today I know I made the right choice