I messed up...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi, not been on for a while, things have been ok, not great but bearable,  Yesterday we woke and I simply asked "so what's the plan for today?". He really snapped at me, turned his back and wrapped himself tightly in the duvet.  I should know better but this caught me off guard, so I asked "what's up" there he had it, reason to rage.  He was verbally abusive, angry, throwing stuff around etc etc then stormed off.

When he came back in I made the mistake of trying to discuss, I know, I know, BPDs don't discuss things, when will I learn.  So it went from bad to worse, the childish behaviours started, fingers in ears, locking himself in the bedroom, then waiting outside in the snow whilst I got ready for work just so he didn't have to speak to me.  The look in his eyes was haunting.

I then received emails saying I was an horrendous, evil, thick person.  It hurts so badly.  I know I haven't got an evil bone in my body, but that he truly believes I am this person.  So rightly or wrongly I have replied saying I need time to think and if he hates me so much I won't stand in his way if he wants to leave me as I am exhausted. 

I have just got in from work and come straight to bed, he works away so I hope he will be gone when I wake.  I really don't want to see him this week.  I need so recuperation time to myself.

I am trying so hard to understand him but I struggle to understand how you can love someone one minute yet hate them with a passion the next.   

[Sadsue]

Hi, not been on for a while, things have been ok, not great but bearable,  Yesterday we woke and I simply asked "so what's the plan for today?". He really snapped at me, turned his back and wrapped himself tightly in the duvet.  I should know better but this caught me off guard, so I asked "what's up" there he had it, reason to rage.  He was verbally abusive, angry, throwing stuff around etc etc then stormed off.

When he came back in I made the mistake of trying to discuss, I know, I know, BPDs don't discuss things, when will I learn.  So it went from bad to worse, the childish behaviours started, fingers in ears, locking himself in the bedroom, then waiting outside in the snow whilst I got ready for work just so he didn't have to speak to me.  The look in his eyes was haunting.

I then received emails saying I was an horrendous, evil, thick person.  It hurts so badly.  I know I haven't got an evil bone in my body, but that he truly believes I am this person.  So rightly or wrongly I have replied saying I need time to think and if he hates me so much I won't stand in his way if he wants to leave me as I am exhausted. 

I have just got in from work and come straight to bed, he works away so I hope he will be gone when I wake.  I really don't want to see him this week.  I need so recuperation time to myself.

I am trying so hard to understand him but I struggle to understand how you can love someone one minute yet hate them with a passion the next.   

[waverider]

Sorry to hear this. I'm sure most of us can feel how this is. No you didn't mess up. You may not have got him out of his bad mood. But that is not your fault. We can't always pop out the magical words all the time, even if there are any.

It is just the way it is. This is were acceptance comes in, you just have to accept sometimes this is going to happen, learn to shrug it off, disengage to minimize damage to yourself and just get on with life. He will get over it, the sky's not falling in.

As long as you stay out of it and away from abuse it will just run its course.

It is hard though when this comes after a good run, it seems to spoil things all the more.

The tools and guides are there to help us choose to smooth things over. They are not guaranteed fail proof. The key word is also choose to use them. We dont have to, that is up to us, we can let 'stuff" just do it's thing and not try to "fix" it all the time.

As I become less afraid of consequence and conflict I am more and more choosing not to be the fixer. The stress of trying to fix things all the time can outweigh the benefits of letting go at times. Reduces the burden enormously at times. Apart from my "personal" time outs I am with my partner 24/7, so it is impossible to keep the carer role on duty all the time.

[Sadsue]

Thanks for your words of advice, well I have got up and he is still here.  We haven't even looked at each other, not alone spoke.  I am working again tonight and hope he won't be here in the morning when I return.

What I meant to post about earlier, that part of the reason I messed up was because in a caring way I said to him that he didn't need to suffer, as there is help out there.  He lost it, saying I was the one that needed help, I am the psycho in this relationship, he is totally in control?  It really is as though all the things he says about me and thinks about me are what he is actually doing, does that make sense?

[waverider]

Thanks for your words of advice, well I have got up and he is still here.  We haven't even looked at each other, not alone spoke.  I am working again tonight and hope he won't be here in the morning when I return.

What I meant to post about earlier, that part of the reason I messed up was because in a caring way I said to him that he didn't need to suffer, as there is help out there.  He lost it, saying I was the one that needed help, I am the psycho in this relationship, he is totally in control?  It really is as though all the things he says about me and thinks about me are what he is actually doing, does that make sense?

Thats classic projection and is standard procedure for a pwBPD when under perceived threat. The next step we usually make is slip into JADE if unaware of it. When projection starts best technique is to disengage, do something else or change the subject at least. You CANNOT talk your way out of it. It is the opening steps to disregulation