Court outcome

[tog]

I haven't posted in a while, getting ready for trial and trying to spend my other time focused less on my SO's stbxw's behavior!

We had court on the 15th. It ended up a temporary settlement for 50/50 (which they have currently and have had for 3 years) with stbx having final decision-making after she consults with SO on any decisions. We will return in April at which time it will either be permanent or a trial will ensue for who gets sole custody.

This is a good outcome for us for a number of reasons, the most important being: SS13 told his GAL he liked the schedule as it is (50/50), which made the judge/her lawyer push her to settle. This is the first time in the case that he has not said he wanted more time with her. He's been very, very happy with us lately, has come out of the partial alienation and I think that there is a chance that in April he might even say he wants to be with us.

The other good part is that they are ordered to continue with the co-parent counselor who is copied in on all of their communication. This keeps stbxw from being an abusive bully and from just doing as she pleases in regard to decision making. The actual counseling sessions are painful for SO, but the counselor is very fair and does not think there is any problem between him and SS13. She doesn't yet see the problem with stbxw completely, but I think she will.

So if it works, great; if she is not able to handle decision-making and acts out during the three months, we have more leverage for court. All SO has to do is be squeaky clean. And we can enjoy our time with SS13, who has found his love for his father again, and found his voice as well.

I think it's the best we could hope for under the circumstances. Meh, on the decision-making. She isn't likely to take him to a shaman or join the Church of Scientology and if it makes her think she has control and "more", then great. Her sense of self is currently wrapped up in being SS13's mother and being in charge, but we get lots of time with him and that's what matters. 

[scraps66]

I like the sound of the "found his lover for his father again."  Kudos under the circumstances having a BP involved as this makes the parent/child relationship very fragile.  Whatever the two of you think will work to sustain that will be in the best interest of the child. 

I'm always leary when I see/hear scenarios where the BP is put in a unilateral position of determining outcomes through their won discretion, like "having final decision-making."  The entitled personality assumes this anyway, so having the custody arrangement read like this, would make me uneasy and at the least on guard.  I'm sure you guys are aware of this and experienced this to be aware.  But having the counselor invovled - lucky if he's a good one - could very well counter the games that would be played wihtout an intermediary involved. I would also be concerned/aware of the "short-term" chameleon-like tactics of stbx, they can look soo good and convincing for a period of time, and then do the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde (or is it Hide ) thing. 

I have found that the contact and having ample time with the kids inherently helps stall alienating tactics.  Sort of makes the kids although young more impervious to that crap.   

[tog]

Our feeling is that she was making all the decisions anyway, now at least it's spelled out EXACTLY what she can decide and what the process is to get there. It sets some boundaries on her and either it will work, or she will hang herself high with the rope she is given. It takes away the power struggle between them. She wanted total control and 100% custody with her having the right to decide when he sees his father, so for her this is a loss, I am quite sure, while for us, it is a victory: we don't lose one minute with SS13.

We've been at this for two years and she has played a lot of games. The court seems to think they are both jerks but one of them has to make the decisions. She has a lot of narcissistic traits and is very, very good at spinning everything to be my SO's fault, but luckily, the court seems to understand that she has played games and interfered with his time, so they are putting in protections for that.

Ideal would be my SO having sole custody, but given her gift for spin (she is a professor who has many people convinced she is a normal, wonderful mother) I think this is the best we can hope for right now. And we are so happy that SS has come out the alienation, which is at least partly due to her being under scrutiny by the court. He hugs and kisses my SO several times a day now, in contrast to the eye-rolling negativity we used to get.

We're happy for now. 30K lighter and still counting, but we haven't lost him. 

[ForeverDad]

I'm currently in court again.  A couple years ago I got custody but time was kept equal.  Now I'm back for majority time.  The GAL report is in, indications from lawyer's staff is that it's at least okay.  I'll find out next week - maybe.  Wow, no surprise, someone asked for a continuance for Wednesday's appearance.

My lawyer cautioned me about whether the child support would be reduced.  My house is fully mortgaged and with equal time my child support paid to her almost equals my mortgage.  So if I get majority time my CS ought to reduce or end.  However, L said there's a policy in court that CS isn't reviewed unless there's a 15% change in parenting time.  The county's guideline schedule for another two years is 5 overnights every 2 weeks.  That would give me 2 extra.  But... .  2 days works out to a 14.3% change.  A 3 day change would be 21.4%  So while the 15% change policy sounds better than a 20% change policy, they are effectively the same.  So unless a larger schedule change is recommended or the court agrees to revisit the CS issue, I could walk out with majority time and still pay child support.

I remarked to the GAL in the home visit that everyone has been dancing around my ex for 7 years now.  He was 3 when we separated, he's nearly 11 now.  Those were his most formative and foundational years. This is the only life he remembers.  And every couple years she loses a little something.  If only they would have put blinders on regarding gender.  As in... .  Parent 1 has done this, this and this.  Parent 2 has nearly always been the model for correct parenting and co-parenting.  What decision is to be made?  Rather, it revolves around mother vs father, past history of parenting time versus current behaviors, etc and - from my viewpoint - all the court does is take baby steps, though fortunately in the right direction.

[tog]

I agree.

In our case, my SO has made some big mistakes that she has used fully to her advantage to make him look like the bad guy. He's so happy to not lose any time with SS that I think he will be on best behavior until April and thereafter. We figure with him coming out of the alienation, and enjoying the sanity and stability of our home, all we have to do is be US and it will be OK as far as our relationship with him goes. This judge gives his opinion a lot of weight, for good or bad,  so if he decides at some point that if 50% sanity is good, maybe even more is better, his opinion will count a lot

My SO is paying her support as well, on a 50/50 with her making $25,000 more a year. It's just crazy but we are at the point where not losing is a win.

I think they believe stbxw is nuts... .  she's just so forceful in dominating everything and taking over everything, and she's so good at generating endless amounts of noise that they just want a solution that will get them out of court.  It's so hard to sort through the endless manifestos that make HIM look bad and her look good.

But sort through we did, and now SO's new lawyer is up to speed with how everything has gone and prepared for the future.

[ForeverDad]

If the judge reopened to consider parenting time, why not also the child support?  All I'm saying is he shouldn't be timid and sell himself short.  On the other hand, if the additional income of remarriages is considered then maybe it's not as simple as that.

[DreamGirl]

So glad to hear all of this!

and if it makes her think she has control and "more"

In my situation, that's all it usually takes to settle things down.

I'm also so happy that you're taking the time for yourself to be focused on you (rather then her behaviior) That can be really hard to do in this.



~DreamGirl

[tog]

He will try to address CS at the next hearing, in three months. At that time, there will be a trial or this will be made permanent. His lawyer advised that he wait until then so it didn't appear that he is motivated by money. We hope to ask for no CS either way and for each parent to pay a pro-rated amount of school tuition and medical expenses. Right now, as it stands, his CS pays for all of SS's tuition plus some.

We will definitely address it. His new lawyer told him he was misled by the previous lawyer and shouldn't be paying what he's paying.

[BentNotBroken]

Tog--

Thank you for the update. I have been following your posts as I am also in the midst of a custody fight.

Fortunately my son is under 2, and I was able to get 45-60 hours per week with him including a couple overnights/week under the temp orders. I stay engaged with him as much as possible when I have him, and that seems to be helping with his development and attachment to me as well as combating ex's alienation tactics (with a child under two, much of it is physical--ie snatching him away and running with him, or slamming the door in my face and loudly locking it--big, theatrical "fear" episodes).

Despite my BPDex's attempts to cut me out of his life entirely, our son knows the truth even if he is not able to verbalize it fully. He did something the other day that almost brought me to tears--he stroked my face, said "Beautiful", and gave me a neck hug that nearly choked me. When I realized what he said a couple of tears sneaked out of the corner of my eye. I am not going to over analyze the moment, I am taking it at face value.

Your posts have helped me stay the course in this year long nightmare. Even the ones a few months ago when you were talking about throwing in the towel and letting SO's BPDex have SS full time. I have been there. The cost of this fight has been absolutely ridiculous in both dollars and time. I don't know what the average is in your area, but the family law atty's here with a decent amount of experience are all $250-350/hr. Two different atty's have told me that taking it to trial is usually $50K (each). HA! We passed that benchmark quite a while ago if I include the GAL and CE fees. Every email exchange costs me about $100, and my BPDex had diarrhea of the keyboard!  What a waste of resources that could have been used/saved for support of our son.

I guess I have to laugh at some of this, otherwise I would cry. You and your SO are doing the right thing. Your SS may get to the point where he waffles back and forth with what he wants, but I think you are doing what is best for him whether he knows it or not. If the court lets momster keep decision making authority and the CS money, you have my sympathies. The insane entitlement attitude of BPD is so destructive to healthy relationships and other peoples lives. I am hoping that the court is just testing the waters to see just how this plays out for now, and is seriously considering reversing both of these things.

I know the court often views step-parents as legal strangers, but you are obviously one heck of a woman  and one heck of a parent for standing on the firing line with your SO and SS. Many people would just walk away, as it much easier and simpler. Keep up the good fight, and give the SS a few extra hugs--he deserves 'em.

[tog]

Thank you, BnB.

That was very kind.    My SO tells me all the time that he could not do any of this without me, and believe me, I have given lots of thought to why I am here and why I stay, but I am still here, so as long as I am, I will keep fighting.  The whole situation is just crazy and we have some very down moments. I sat outside the courtroom as they went in last week and was terrified about having to testify. SO texted me from the courtroom: "SS13 said he likes 50/50, both parties agree to the current custody schedule" and I nearly cried.

Over the last few months, I've seen SS so happy in our home. By the end of his 5 day stint with us, he's smiling and laughing and hugging his dad. I thought there was now about a 2% chance he could say he wants to live with us, which is 2% more than it ever has been, but I figured him saying 50/50 was our best hope. My SO was so pleased and so proud that his son stood up for his time with him, and all that we did pulled this kid back from the brink of alienation. AND, his mother's pressure is starting to grate on him. He is still fiercely loyal and will protect her, but he's thinking more independently and that's a big relief.  

I hope the decision-making and CS get reversed too, but if they don't, they don't. If we can keep a good relationship with SS for another few years, that will be a huge achievement. Hopefully, some day SS13 will appreciate how hard his father fought for him.  

Good for you for fighting for your son, and what a touching moment. Your son will know how hard you fought for him someday too