Filed Friday... he changes his tune by Monday

[thinkingthinking]

I finally made the decision and filed for divorce on Friday.  He knew I had seen a lawyer before, so I sent an e-mail letting him know.  As I figured he would be, he was angry, blaming, calling me selfish, trying to make me question myself all weekend.  When I chose not to answer my phone or read his texts, he would contact our kids to get ahold of me. To soothe himself, he went out and drank/gambled again.

But... .  by Monday afternoon he had turned around, asking me to forgive him for everything he had done and telling me he was sorry things had worked out the way they did.  In my mind, I know that I hung in there as long as I could.  I don't even know what "happy" looks like for me anymore as I have just enabled helping him survive for the last 22 years.  He acknowledges now that he has depended on me too much and I really do not think that is something that can change.  So why do I question myself after this one interchange with him on Monday afternoon?  Why can't I trust that I am making a decision based on years of experience and hardship?  Needing to figure out how to avoid being pulled back in.

[ForeverDad]

Because, like most of us, you're a rescuer, a fixer.  But you can't fix him, only he can do that and if he does try then it would take a long long time to even guess whether he might be on the path to recovery.

Yes, he'll want "one more chance" but he's had 22 years of "one more chances".  And frankly, going on a binge isn't a good start.

Trust the actions, not the words and promises.  And not just actions for a week or a month, it has to be years to know whether recovery is real or a fragile and hastily contrived Mask of Seeming Normalcy for show.

Is recovery possible?  Short answer, maybe.  Long answer, maybe, after years of effective therapy or counseling with an experienced and perceptive professional, diligently applied in his life, thinking and behaviors.

Anyone even halfway normal would promise the moon to get back to the way things were.  He's messed up but not dumb.  However, his promises to change would likely fail once things went back to the old normal and then you'd be back to filing yet again.

Frankly, if he really, really, really wants to change, he can work on himself and prove his claimed changes are for real.  By then you may already be divorced, you already delayed some 20 plus years.  As I saw once in a 1960s TV series (Star Trek) ... .  Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

However, there's always the possibility of remarriage IF you could trust his claimed recovery.  But be forewarned, there is no assurance you would want the new/changed him - or that the new/changed him would want you.

[Matt]

If you're done with the relationship, minimize contact with him, and don't talk about the relationship or the divorce.  Let the lawyers talk about the divorce.

Are you still living together?

Can you live separately soon?

[SeekerofTruth]

 Recall the same words from Gomer Pyle episodes growing up.

Words of Sobering Wisdom:

As I saw once in a 1960s TV series (Star Trek) ... .  Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

Easier said than done.

Unless,

Bush, "Fool Me Once... .  " (0:17) clip

www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKgPY1adc0A   sorry, couldn't resist.  Think we've all been there. 

[thinkingthinking]

Thank you for the responses and for the laugh... .  G.W. was always good comic relief

We have been separated since the beginning of October. The holidays were difficult but we got through them. Our main reasons for continuing to talk are our 11 yo daughter (we have a 17 and 21 yo that decide when they will see him), and the fact that we have a bunch of debt from a restaurant that he opened and then closed without actually selling.  While I don't want the money to be a huge issue, the fact is that I have always worked full-time and done most of the parenting.  In the meantime, he has consistently spent more than we made, gambled and drank. I always used to try to hide this fact from my parents or brush it off.  Like "oh yeah... .  he bought another truck. And now we have another $500 car payment... .  no big deal".  And somehow between the combination of my blindness and his manipulation, I really was talked into so many of these things. 

I think the reason that it is tempting to go back or think it wasn't that bad is that I'm now thinking about being 41 and on my own.  Before it was just about getting out of the situation.  Now it's about what do I do next?  I get to choose how I live now, so what are my choices.  I realize this is a better position to be in, but it is uncomfortable. 

[Matt]

Check out how your state decides alimony and division of assets.

For example, in my state, the date when you file for divorce (or maybe it's the date when the other party is served - I forget) is when your finances become separate.  Up til that date, you were both spending community property.  After that date, you each are spending your own money.

So dividing up the assets is just arithmetic.  It can be complicated, but it's done according to your state's laws - it's not something to argue about.  Get a lawyer and give her all the documents.  If the other party has information you need, you can request it formally and he will have to provide it, or the court will make him provide it.  You can do the math - cheaper than letting the lawyer do it - or let the lawyer do it.  Make a settlement offer, and if the other side wants to fight, you let the judge rule on it.  No need to discuss it with the other party, except at a formal settlement conference with both lawyers present.

Same for alimony.  Your state's guidelines are probably online, or you can get them from your lawyer.  Do the worksheet and file a motion accordingly, and the court will rule.  No reason to discuss it directly with the other party.

Same for the parenting plan - who will care for the child when.  Your state probably has a template you can use.  Make a proposal that you think is right, and if the other party doesn't agree, file a motion and let the court decide.

There may still be reasons for you to talk to him once in awhile, but very few.  Use e-mail as much as possible so there is a record.  I now talk to my ex about once a month at most, usually for less than a minute.  Everything else is e-mail, and not many of those either.