Silent Treatment

[Tellmewhy]

Hi All,

First post here... .so I'm looking for a little feedback.

I've been dating a girl for less than a year, that I suspect has BPD.  I've been thru a huge learning curve on this disorder... .lot's of reading here, relating to some of the posts I've read.

My situation has been like most here: honeymoon phase, growing together, then watch as it all starts to come apart.

Currently I'm getting the silent treatment and suspect it's the end of our relationship.  I've sent a couple of texts with no response (we live in different cities)... .the reason for the silent treatment is like most who post here, something totally innocuouse to me but very important to her.

Usually when I woud get the silent treatment, I would try anything to engage conversation which would sometimes work.

Well now I've decided to lay low and see if she comes around... .she hasn't reached out.  So I'm thinking of sending the following text and would love some feedback:

"yes, it hurts to endure the silent treatment... .but I'll manage to get thru it.  I go about my day looking for enlightment... .all I can try to control is me.  I want to talk to you whenever you are ready.  And know that I've never lost sight of us"

There is so much complexity to this disorder... .as a single dad of 4, a fulltime job and financial pressure I don't how much more of this I can take.

any feedback would be great.

[Gottagonow]

Hi All,

First post here... .so I'm looking for a little feedback.

I've been dating a girl for less than a year, that I suspect has BPD.  I've been thru a huge learning curve on this disorder... .lot's of reading here, relating to some of the posts I've read.

My situation has been like most here: honeymoon phase, growing together, then watch as it all starts to come apart.

Currently I'm getting the silent treatment and suspect it's the end of our relationship.  I've sent a couple of texts with no response (we live in different cities)... .the reason for the silent treatment is like most who post here, something totally innocuouse to me but very important to her.

Usually when I woud get the silent treatment, I would try anything to engage conversation which would sometimes work.

Well now I've decided to lay low and see if she comes around... .she hasn't reached out.  So I'm thinking of sending the following text and would love some feedback:

"yes, it hurts to endure the silent treatment... .but I'll manage to get thru it.  I go about my day looking for enlightment... .all I can try to control is me.  I want to talk to you whenever you are ready.  And know that I've never lost sight of us"

There is so much complexity to this disorder... .as a single dad of 4, a fulltime job and financial pressure I don't how much more of this I can take.

any feedback would be great.

Personally, after putting up with that kind of behavior for over 25 years. If I could go back and change the way I reacted to the "Silent Treatment" and other things she did to me. I would have just dropped the rope & ran like crazy... .  Once she figured out that I would do anything I could, or that she demamded, to get back in her "Good Graces" my life would never be the same again and I would end up divorcing anyway. But that is just me... .

[almost789]

I wouldn't recommend trying get to make contact once she's initiated the silent treatment.  Once u do, you give them control... .Once they see you will accept this... You are devalued even more and the abuse will only get worse... .Trust me.  Been there.  I thought I was being kind giving space... Allowing him to give me the silent treatment... .And only replying when he felt like it... .Not when I was hurting and needing him.  Trying to initiated contact only makes them  continue the silent treatment longer.  She's most likely carrying on with your replacement right now and not even think king about you.  Your outta site outta mind.  Best thing is to ignore her back and really move on.  I played this game for a year... .Practically begging for things to go back to the way it was.  It won't.  Don't waste your time. 

[almost789]

Unless you want to accept being in a relationship with someone with the emotional level of a toddler,  who can never reciprocate or give you what you desire.  Let her go.  Just my opinion. 

[Tellmewhy]

Well I broke down and sent the text yesterday... .and wouldn't you know it, I just got an email from her stating the following:

Well, I am not exactly sure what to say or how to say it.

However I wanted to touch base with you to

let you know that I have been extremley busy and didn't answer your

texts because I was not interested in dealing with the drama.

I hope your having a good week.

Wow... .really?  You mean the drama you've created?

So now I'm debating if I'm going to respond, and if so, what direction to take it.  I could be a smartass and tell her she is the one who has created any/all of the drama.  Or I could go to the middle ground and say, "I'm having a great week... .very busy as well.  Thanks for touching base". 

Or I could create a boundry via email and tell her, "in a loving open relationship, communication is paramount, at least it is for me, and if you want to continue this relationship then we need to put the cards on the table.  I won't be in a relationship with you if you find it acceptable to not communicate.  We both know, no one is ever too busy to send a quick text."

As crazy as it sounds, I may want to give her a 2nd chance as long as she has an understanding about the consequences of silent treatment, and the confrontation over seemingly minor things.  And the consequence would be we move on with our lives.

Thoughts?

[Tazmo7521]

TellMe,

First off, the silent treatment is a form of punishment and control.  Second, while they are giving it to you, they are silently raging.  During the course of my almost 5 year marrriage, I endured the treatment for months.  The current treatment has lasted 1.5 months with the longest going 4 months.  If you choose to stay in the relationship, the best thing that you can do is avoid her as much as possible.  Live your life, and do your thing as though they no longer exist.  At some point, they will wake up from their daze.  My stbx gave her BFF and her son the ST for 4 months as well, and now she talks their arms off.

If you decide to exit the rs, then do it now and make a clean break.  Don't tell them you are leaving the rs, just move on otherwise they will attempt to hook you back in and it becomes a vicious cycle of wash, rinse, repeat.  Trust me, I have become an expert in this field.  I finally got my transfer, movers are coming, and I am leaving without saying goodby.  The divorce will be filed while enroute to my new job. 

Bottom line is that they are treating you the way they got treated when they were younger.  It is wrong, but you will never convince them otherwise.

Good luck, you have my sympathy.

[OTH]

Stop the bleeding is a good place to start. The workshop link at the bottom might give you some ideas also

https://bpdfamily.com/deciding_guide/01.htm

If you are going to continue to talk to her don't play any games. Understand what you are feeling and try to communicate that without the hurt and anger. You come across as a persecutor in some of your suggested replies. This is the Karpman drama triangle way. These relationships need strong boundaries. You can't drive yourself crazy trying to get the reaction you want. A bit of detachment goes a long ways.

[Tellmewhy]

Thanks for the replies.  

I know no matter how I decide to respond to her email, I will no longer put up with the silent treatment.  I have waaaay too much I deal with on a daily basis (4 kids under 16 yrs old, fulltime job, ex-wife to deal with, financial pressure, etc) so my romantic relationship should not give me more hassle/heartache. It should be where I go to feel good.   Period.

I'm starting to feel myself pull away from her and put my "stuff" first... .if she can work with that great, if she can't then I guess it wasn't meant to be.

I was a single man up until I was 35, got married, had kids, got divorced... .I have no problem being single again... .

It's the heartache of going thru the process of breaking up that I don't want to face... .because as we all know, we hang on the the good times.

[OTH]

I have waaaay too much I deal with on a daily basis (4 kids under 16 yrs old, fulltime job, ex-wife to deal with, financial pressure, etc) so my romantic relationship should not give me more hassle/heartache... .It's the heartache of going thru the process of breaking up that I don't want to face

Often the right thing to do is the hard thing to do.

[nylonsquid]

Tellmewhy,

With my exBPDgf, if I ignored her after she were upset over something trivial and decides she never wants to see me, I ignore her. Guess what happens? She comes back crying eventually. She cries asking for me to fight for her. 

The trick is if you do fight for her (as she asks), she will feel she has power and it's an opportunity for her to guilt trip you, blame you, keep you confused and break up with you. If you ignore, she will take it as abandonment and will freak out, without knowing exactly what she's freaking out over. Sometimes, in her head she has moved on. Out of sight, out of mind. She is already eyeing a replacement or has one already. I believe if they don't and have nothing they will come back crying asking for attention. That's all they want. Attention. That and someone to warm their bed because they can't be alone.

Pick your poison or take the opportunity and leave.