Confused

[Hopeliveshere]

Hi, Fairly new here and overwhelmed with the amount of learning ahead.

I ignored my daughter 20 yrs ago when she called him Jekyll & Hyde. Both children at the time, asked me to leave him after one of his many rages.

I haven't posted since I'm not sure about which board to use. I don't want a life with him anymore.  In a 44 yr marriage w/high functioning emotionally empty 3 times recycled uBPDh.

Past 6 years lived in a small, tight knit retirement community - as co-habitors of the house for the past 3 yrs only - in an attempt to lessen the trauma of sudden temper flares over absolutely nothing either of us knows what it's about. Oh, he's a sly one. Successful, well-liked but not outgoing. However, once in awhile he becomes a social flirt - one I myself have never seen! 

But the attempt to lessen contact by living as roommates wasn't working. In front of people, the eyerolls, ignoring and nasty looks. Alone, he rages, lies and used foul truck driver language. That led to the present 2 mos of silence because I knew of no other way, I mean there IS no talking with him. And when I don't talk to him at least he talks to our adult children, which he's not always kind to verbally. 

I don't want to stay together. We are retired and have one car. We didn't plan for 2 rents in retirement, altho with 3 failed attempts at MC, I shouldn't be surprised. When he's in the house I pretty much stay secluded in the bedroom, however I'm out with friends many hours every day, exercising, going to the library, having coffee by the pool... .  I'm not just sitting home. Tight knit community used to seeing us together each day now see us separately. I long to share a bit of this with just one of them.

By the way, I was encouraging him to get out and join activities which he was so uncomfortable with. He's very well liked and causes no problems in public sans me. But at home every time I turn around, he's back home again trying to inch his way back, manipulate, get me to take the bait. Wham, he'd get me.  No more. He plays a "pity me" game and becomes super "good boy". Push, pull.  He ask questions he knows answers to just to get me into his games.     

Two wks ago he "visited" a T, one that did failed MC for 1 yr with us. They asked me to come in alone but had to cancel due to flu, but will go in this week.

I spoke with our doctor and she said just lock your BR door at night. Times are tough and we have no family close by. I've never had any control over the money, never paid bills or filed taxes. I've never done any of the paperwork others would do to survive. He's complete control. While I need to know, him teaching me would be subjecting myself to his abuse, belittling - I've seen the adult kids subjected to this torture when needing his help. So my preference to have him leave is tough, as all these decisions are.

   

This month he has cancer surgery and an elderly friend wants to take a nurse on a vacation (4 of us) -- a vacation long ago promised by H - but never fulfilled.

Thanks for listening.

[Clearmind]

Hope, hugs to you and you seem to have some clarity in the midst of a very trying time.

Abuse is always behind closed doors. We have all experienced it and its stealth - and my family had no clue!

Are you wanting to leave? Have you made plans to leave?