How to control my reactions to her?

[thespacebetween]

So I threw a phone at my BPD mom two days ago. Not really "at her" but I was hoping in my mind it would skim her at least. .

She lives downstairs from us, I have 3 young kids. She had come up after food shopping to say good night to my kids. It was already about 40-45 minutes past their bedtimes, we were having a late night.

She says to them, You guys want ice cream or do you need to go to bed now?" .  I said, " It is bedtime"... .  so she says in return to them, "sorry guys, no ice cream for you, it's bedtime".  Which resulted in them all screaming and crying of course... .  for ice cream.

I was sitting in my bedroom on the computer doing an online convo with our tax consultant and had mentioned I couldn't talk or do anything for a few minutes ( which was reason for the late night) and the kids were being so good till she came and just upset everyone.  Now I had 3 screaming yelling kids, I couldn't concentrate ( and my own emotions took over and I reacted) and I threw my cell phone as hard as I could out the door.

She reacted as normal... .  cursing, asking me why "I" was crazy , trying to shield the kids from me ( by saying stuff liek, " come on, let's get away from mommy right now and go "... .  

It was a total mistake on my part. Especially in front of the kids.  The scenario was not even that big of a deal. 

I tried to calmly say, I was just frustrated I was working on seomthing and that the kids were crying b/c they wanted ic cream b/c of the way you phrased it. But it was now all about how crazy I was.

This does not happen a lot. I am usually in avoidance mode. But HOW do I react here?

This happens ALL the time. She will come upstairs to see my kids and just rile them up , every time, over something.   I cannot find the words to say to deal with it calmly.

I hate myself when I react that way  :'(

[Rose Tiger]

   I found making friends with my angst helped me to get control over it.  Focus on how your body reacts to the stress, heart thumping, stomach clenching, hands shaking.  Then welcome it, oh hi clenched stomach, good to see you.  Versus trying to fight the reaction, accepting it.  In extreme distress, get into the moment, sight, touch.  Exit the scene for a few moments, touch something, feel the texture, focus on it.  Look at something and study it for a few seconds, a picture or something.  Describe it to yourself, the color the lines, that sort of thing.  It's calming.

Then you can face the situation, grounded.  Oh mom, what a silly!  It's not ice cream time, ice cream time is for after dinner (or whenever you deem is appropriate for ice cream).  Smile to the kids, if y'all go to bed, you can have ice cream tomorrow for a treat!  But if you don't go to bed, then (sad face) no ice cream, oh no!

Mom still wants drama, kids your mom is so mean not to give you ice cream.  Or some such nonsense.  Then it's, Mom it's time for you to go, give the kids a hug now and say good night.  Pretend she is two and treat her accordingly.

Sound doable?

[GeekyGirl]

It takes a lot of courage to look at your own behavior and realize that you can control your reactions to your mother's behavior, so give yourself some credit for that.  

It's hard, but with some practice, you can change how you respond, which might even change how she behaves going forward. I can understand where you're coming from--there are times that I get really frustrated at work, at home, and when dealing with my parents and family, but there are a few things that help keep me grounded:

• I can't control what others do or say.



• I can control what I do or say.



• Take a deep breath and think before I say or do anything. Sometimes just slowing down can make things more bearable.



• Find constructive ways to work out the emotion after the incident occurs (take a walk, do something that makes me laugh, or de-clutter or clean something.



• Remember that I'm showing my son how to resolve conflict through my actions. I want to be a positive role model for my son and show him how to deal with frustration and disappointment calmly.

Rose Tiger has a good point about taking a "time out" and waiting to respond to a situation until you're calm. That's another good tactic. What do you think would work for you?

[thespacebetween]

Thank you both! I am normally calm, I normally avoid but that also just eats away at me till I want to snap.  I think beyond controlling my instant reaction, I need to learn to not be triggered by her, which is a huge thing.  When I am run down, I am easily angered and annoyed, and often react by having a tantrum myself ( hmm... .  wonder where I learned that from? )...

Thanks for your advice, yes it is helpfful. Now action!

[justine1984]

I'm so sorry this is happening. I can only imagine how you feel. I am a very calm person, like extremely calm, but mom is the only person in this world who can take out the devil from inside me if she wants to. I almost hit her one time and I yelled at her so hard that I could literally feel the resonance in the bones of my head.

I wish I had some piece of advice for you, unfortunately I am yet to figure this out myself ... .  and with 3 kids it gets even worse than my situation so let me just say that I admire the fact that after all this you didn't go insane. Don't beat yourself up for what happened, you are human.

[thespacebetween]

I'm so sorry this is happening. I can only imagine how you feel. I am a very calm person, like extremely calm, but mom is the only person in this world who can take out the devil from inside me if she wants to. I almost hit her one time and I yelled at her so hard that I could literally feel the resonance in the bones of my head.

I wish I had some piece of advice for you, unfortunately I am yet to figure this out myself ... .  and with 3 kids it gets even worse than my situation so let me just say that I admire the fact that after all this you didn't go insane. Don't beat yourself up for what happened, you are human.

Thanks 

ya know, she thinks I am crazy. LOL ... .  that is her favorite thing to say when I do explode. To call me crazy, which is laughable.  Well actually it is true. HAHA... .  but not as crazy as her, and she is the one who MADE me this way.

[justine1984]

Thanks 

ya know, she thinks I am crazy. LOL ... .  that is her favorite thing to say when I do explode. To call me crazy, which is laughable.  Well actually it is true. HAHA... .  but not as crazy as her, and she is the one who MADE me this way.

She is projecting on you. You are not crazy. It's normal to snap in such a situation. We normally expect help from other adults around us, especially if there are kids involved and even more so if the other adult is your mother. She is supposed to know how difficult it is. But the truth is she is probably just a 3 years old trapped in an adult woman's body.

[thespacebetween]

Thanks 

ya know, she thinks I am crazy. LOL ... .  that is her favorite thing to say when I do explode. To call me crazy, which is laughable.  Well actually it is true. HAHA... .  but not as crazy as her, and she is the one who MADE me this way.

She is projecting on you. You are not crazy. It's normal to snap in such a situation. We normally expect help from other adults around us, especially if there are kids involved and even more so if the other adult is your mother. She is supposed to know how difficult it is. But the truth is she is probably just a 3 years old trapped in an adult woman's body.

YES you nailed it. Today she was rough housing with my 5 yr old son and hurt him ( went to push him and he moved and she kinda pushed his neck) and then was blaming him for it and then she scratched him on accident again 2 mins later, she has long nails , and she then blamed him AGAIN. She said to him, just don't come near me anymore, I am done playing because you keep getting hurt, She finally said, I keep hurting you, but she still kept on saying, just stay away from me before you hurt yourself again.  She was saying you keep getting hurt in a tone to make it totally sound like he was doing something wrong... .  Instead of saying, OH WOW, are you ok? I am sorry. It was HIS fault she hurt him.    That is the type of thing that blows my mind and makes me not want her around the kids.

[justine1984]

Wow this sounds so familiar. I remember one time when I was in high school and mom was trying to get me to understand a math lesson and i didn't quite get it, and she quickly got mad at me for not understanding so she just grabbed the hair just above my neck and pulled back and forth so fast and abrupt, that i thought my neck was gonna snap. I yelled real loud, she stopped doing it and then yelled at me: look what you made me do! That was the first moment when I felt that in fact I am the adult in this relationship, despite the fact that I was 16 and she was 56.

[thespacebetween]

Wow this sounds so familiar. I remember one time when I was in high school and mom was trying to get me to understand a math lesson and i didn't quite get it, and she quickly got mad at me for not understanding so she just grabbed the hair just above my neck and pulled back and forth so fast and abrupt, that i thought my neck was gonna snap. I yelled real loud, she stopped doing it and then yelled at me: look what you made me do! That was the first moment when I felt that in fact I am the adult in this relationship, despite the fact that I was 16 and she was 56.

I'm so sorry you went through that, and more I am sure. It is hard to wrap your mind around.  My mother is as far as I know unable to say I'm sorry.  I have been told it is because she is so so scared of being unworthy that admitting she made a mistake will crush her inner self even more, that that is how BPD's think, but it is difficult to remember that in the moment.   

It is hard for ME to accept that she cannot change. That might be the bigger issue for me.

Thanks for sharing your story with me.

[Rose Tiger]

That's good insight, TSB.  It does fall on us as being the only ones we can control.    Do you have talks with your kids after episodes like with the five year old and get their take on what happened?  You know, validate their feelings sort of thing.

[justine1984]

I'm so sorry you went through that, and more I am sure. It is hard to wrap your mind around.  My mother is as far as I know unable to say I'm sorry.  I have been told it is because she is so so scared of being unworthy that admitting she made a mistake will crush her inner self even more, that that is how BPD's think, but it is difficult to remember that in the moment.   

It is hard for ME to accept that she cannot change. That might be the bigger issue for me.

Thanks for sharing your story with me.

My mother has become, in time, able to say im sorry. It's not always and it's not in all the situations when she makes a mistake, but it's definitely a progress that I noticed. She is almost 70 now so I guess her regrets become harder and harder to hide. She even got to the point of admitting that she was a horrible mother and that she wouldn't do a lot of the stuff she did, if she had that chance again. I don't know if that's actually true, but since there is no way I can ever find out, I chose to believe it because it makes me feel better. But all in all, I find it easier to deal with everything in those brief moments when I am aware that she is a sick person that will never ever ever be the mother I needed her to be. Hope becomes painful at some point. A part of you knows the truth, I am sure, it's just the child in you (as it is in me as well) that wants to keep hoping.

[InaMinorRole]

I don't know if this is at all possible for you but can you live further away? You already went through everything you went through with her and she pushes your buttons and turns you into someone you don't want to be. You may just need time to find out who you are when she isn't in the picture on a daily basis.

I see no reason why someone already wounded needs to keep being thrown into the same situation as an adult. But then I don't know anything about your life.

[thespacebetween]

I don't know if this is at all possible for you but can you live further away? You already went through everything you went through with her and she pushes your buttons and turns you into someone you don't want to be. You may just need time to find out who you are when she isn't in the picture on a daily basis.

I see no reason why someone already wounded needs to keep being thrown into the same situation as an adult. But then I don't know anything about your life.

I want to, right now it is not possible, but I am working towards it.  We share a home, well we rent a home together, she lives downstairs, I am a SAHM , in school full time, my husband doesn't make much. This is the only way we can live. I am hoping that as soon as I finish school, we can move and afford our own place. We did not expect to have 3 kids. I dealt with infertility and then ende dup after having my son, having twins naturally and it added to our financial burden ( and dependance on her ).