To heal with or disengage from a sometimes? aware pwBPD

[clashreality]

I mentioned this in intro but I am in my mid-twenties and currently engaged to? on break from? breaking up with? a pwBPD. I do not know where we stand because we have been LD for the past month and I tried to end things last week (though I honestly do not WANT to) but pwBPD got defensive (doesn't want it to end, possibly wants me to wait on the backburner, definitely likes to be the one who leaves) and I'm not sure what partner thinks we are. Partner said they would talk to me on the phone in a couple of hours so let's see if that happens!

In the meantime... .  

When I first met partner I actually cannot recall them! They apparently were taken by me and introduced themselves thinking I didn't bat for the same team/was an ally (we were both helping setup an LGBT event). Six months later I met partner again and pursued, we became official fairly quickly (felt okay to me. I am picky and not a serial monogamist. but partner is, I ignored this fact - as all previous LT partners were opposite sex and I assumed it was an attempt to fit gender roles) and have been together for 3.5 years.

A couple of weeks ago, when I was the blackest I've ever been, partner revealed that they felt I violated boundaries by (drunkenly! this was college!) holding their hand too tightly at a party and their sibling commented on it (sibling does not corroborate this story). I felt so saddened by this at first but now I am removing that fog and feeling safe in the knowledge that I absolutely asked partner if they wanted to be "together" and partner even asked me if I "meant that" a week later - and was very happy with my confirmation!

What I did not know at the time was that partner had been arrested (political, partner and I are both active in that way) a couple of months after our first, forgettable, meeting. This arrest/being in jail (and the mistreatment that happened given my partner's conflicting gender identity AND political affiliation) seems to have been the catalyst for a whole slew of trauma bubbling up. Partner was okay, if slightly depressed/quiet when we first began dating, but has gotten significantly worse (and less quiet which has been mostly enjoyable, when the mania isn't happening) over the course of our relationship. I think the person they were the first year is something akin to who they are without trauma at the surface but it's possible I've never had a glimpse of that person.

We had a few bumps, nothing significant. We were actually very very happy up until a few months before our 2 year anniversary. We were our happiest when partner was working full-time. We got engaged - partner headed this up. Then we moved to a bigger city not far from our college town. About two months after we moved partner went on a month long trip - just to visit family and have fun after losing their job/before hunting for a new one. We had a small argument about a week into this trip - partner went absolutely full tilt manic. Said they needed to be polyamorous (no problem for me, actually, but I was worried given the mood shift) and seemed on the verge of breaking up with me but we, somehow!, managed to work things out LD. Partner came back, I moved out (remember: partner is a serial monogamist, after this meltdown I thought they should try full independence before continuing on with our level of commitment), we opened up our relationship (too quickly for my tastes, there were no clear boundaries/situation plans in place, the one we had in place aka talk before sexual intimacy was broken immediately and partner lied about it - I consider this cheating, partner is too ashamed to face that reality) and then partner was sexually assaulted. Two weeks later, partner's other partner dumped them. I was waaay in the white but this shifted a lot during this period (I was the only supportive person! The only NON-supportive person!). Partner was seeing a therapist at this point and seemed to be able to work through that trauma. About six months later, May 2012, partner and I resumed living together.

Things were great (up until January)! There were a few things I knew partner was hiding - one being their interest in polyamory (they claimed the trauma of the situation removed that desire but I knew better) - but they weren't ready to face for whatever reason so I tried not to nag. I did however shut down a bit (due to stress from partner as well as a loot of long distance family stuff). Things peaked in November, I had a creative side project to bring me out of my disconnected phase and I began working less hours at my draining mental job, partner proposed (again)! And then the person that sexually assaulted them was discovered to be living mere blocks from us. Partner went to another state - at first to wait out this person's removal but then they admitted this person didn't matter but they DID want to work on healing trauma (which for partner means reading triggering books nonstop). I hinted to partner that they were running away - they said no! We had a private NYE together and partner left on the 1st.

It was pretty instant LC, to the point that I definitely nagged more than I should have but I was also extremely worried about them. I am pretty sure they cheated? Obviously sex is not a huge issue for me so I am more concerned about the lying that ensued. I gave them plenty of opportunity to admit with no anger or consequence. Everyone else thought they were doing so well but I could tell in photos that their eyes looked extremely dead and from our conversations they were just burying things. Together we decided to move to this place, for various reasons - I was the one to bring it up first, last year. We planned to move around June. I visited around January 13-18, after confirming with partner that I would be there that long and that I wanted them to stick to their routine, not worry about me. But they clung to me the entire time and on top of that said we never agreed to me staying so long. Oh well. It was actually a pretty good visit. Partner talked a lot about wanting to have our ceremony before we moved. And also revealed an apparently long-term plan to get a tattoo of the entirety of a poem I'd written them during our hardest time. I intended to talk them out of that AND the matching tattoo idea. My last night partner was up until 2am writing an angry email to political acquaintances in our town, accusing them of not supporting partner as agreed upon and initiating NC stating they had [me] and others to support them. It wasn't the best but I was happy to leave in the white!

Then I heard nothing from partner (aside from an I got home email after dropping me at the airport and a short response to a satirical email I sent the next day) until the 23rd when they called to say they were checking into a hospital after a suicide attempt. They almost blamed me for that? Because they felt they had to leave me but couldn't and so hurt themself and then tried to say that I am bipolar (they have tried for years to get mental health dirt on me, well now I know that's what it was, and all they got was that bipolar runs in my family. I'm lucky enough to be without but I am now recognizing I have a related family tendency, codependent behavior) and have caused the pain they feel and need to get help myself, etc. I soothed them enough that they ended the conversation focusing on THEIR need for help and being happy that I could agree to a romantic break but wasn't leaving them.

A week later they were released and it came out that they want to casually date during our romantic break, which they "thought was clear." Oh, look, another hasty polyamory attempt. Only this time it's alongside us taking a break so they can, supposedly, focus on their mental health. Oh they also told me they had gone from 100 on us to 50/50, which is worth noting but not necessarily a steadfast stance - we all know. They also got mad at me because they are now officially staying in that area and I reminded them that it was my idea and I still intend to move there. It's a very large place! No way am I staying where our apartment is. I tried to break-up with them because they also want to now quit outpatient halfway through. Not sure if it took... it hasn't on my end, I'm still wearing this ring - but I am slowly finding equilibrium and maybe my limit.

We've been very LC this past week. pwBPD has accepted a full-time job offer for a position they have NO experience in and will also involve managing people. I worry that the stress and lack of mental health focus will lead to a further break but maybe they will learn quickly and the full-time routine will help.

I cannot figure out what I want to do. Definitely regain my independence and maintain awareness of my codependent coping mechanisms so that I never end up in this position again. But, do I want to breakup? Restart our relationship (remove engagement, live separately, date again)? Take a break? No to the last one if it involves them dating others.

I feel like pwBPD really does love me as they maintained their connection to me before, during, and after we opened our relationship the first time - when they had someone else to provide romance/soothing. Before they were dumped, of course. I know pwBPD is capable of SOME insight. Though not the accountability and empathy I need - I'm hoping if I can get them to go into therapeutic intervention focused on BPD they might be able to work towards that.

Mostly I'm here because until now (and maybe not yet... it is so convoluted) I've not shared the entirety of this situation with anyone (the cheating, mostly)  because I try to maintain boundaries (with my judgmental family and with pwBPD's sibling that I trust/understands the situation) and also try to protect pwBPD (my friends) just in case we "end up together." Not that pwBPD has necessarily done the same for me.

I know this is very long. I appreciate any reading/response!

[Clearmind]

clash, welcome to bpdfamily.

Some clarification - you and your partner once agreed to have an open relationship and now you are not OK with it yet your partner is?

Has your partner been diagnosed? If not, why do you suspect BPD?

[clashreality]

Thanks!

Yes, we once agreed to it and it was phased out when partner was dumped and I ended things with the person I was seeing a few months later. We recently began talking about phasing it back in, more responsibly this time.

I am OK with it for us in general! I am NOT okay with it while we are taking a "romantic break" so that partner can focus on working through trauma, etc. Aside from the fact that partner is now reneging on treatment agreements, I do not understand the point of removing us as a stressor/responsibility while making new romantic connections (distractions).

I do not know if partner was diagnosed BPD during this inpatient stint. I do know depression seems to have been replaced with bipolar but I feel the two (bipolar and BPD) are comorbid, here. I do not even know where to begin! Strictly by the book partner meets 9/9 criteria. I used to hesitate on impulsivity but that also fits and seems to be on the rise.

The main things are the splitting (I've seen it happen to so many people during our time together, as well as myself), dissociation, and anger/defense/avoidance of abandonment. Also, talking to their sibling, the BPD signs seem to have been present long before the mood disorder signs but the trigger seems to have unleashed both. Stepping back from our relationship and my role as "protector" I can see the flashing red flags in ever relationship I've witnessed from them as well as their/their sibling's stories of their life before we met.

[clashreality]

Should anyone come across this again...

I'd like to add, first of all, that we are now officially broken up. I am going to initiate NC for at least awhile because I need to focus on myself and the back and forth from my ex/knowing they are dating again while trying to remain friends/possibly future romantic partners is too much for me.

Also: they are still doing outpatient! And just told me that it is specifically for people who are borderline AND bipolar so I am seriously elated they were officially diagnosed and receiving specific care. Although certainly sad that, likely, by the time they accept responsibility for a lot of the things in our relationship it will be too late on my end. Anyway, on the L3.

[Clearmind]

Clash, you will receive much support on L3 and while I'm sorry to hear its official, you are right, it's a great time to work on you!