Please indulge me... I need advice once again

[Parents! Get help here!]

Griz, in reading these posts my heart goes out to you.  I think you sound so amazing with your family; so patient, kind and sweet.  You handle your dd's cutting much better than I did.  For the record, my dd used to cut in her teen years and stopped around age 20 or so.  She is now 22.  I look at her poor scarred arms and legs and am just grateful she stopped.  I don't know why exactly but I am relieved.  It is so hard to fathom this behavior since I can't stand even cutting my legs shaving... .  

I am thinking of you and wishing you well.  Each day is a battle.  We never know what it is going to bring but from my experiences ages 16, 17, 18 were our worst by far.  Hang in there!

Mary

[mary290]

Griz, in reading these posts my heart goes out to you.  I think you sound so amazing with your family; so patient, kind and sweet.  You handle your dd's cutting much better than I did.  For the record, my dd used to cut in her teen years and stopped around age 20 or so.  She is now 22.  I look at her poor scarred arms and legs and am just grateful she stopped.  I don't know why exactly but I am relieved.  It is so hard to fathom this behavior since I can't stand even cutting my legs shaving... .  

I am thinking of you and wishing you well.  Each day is a battle.  We never know what it is going to bring but from my experiences ages 16, 17, 18 were our worst by far.  Hang in there!

Mary

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mikmik]

Griz,

Back to the original post on this thread.  You.  Sometimes, I think we outgrow, or at least the need we have in therapy changes.  If the T you are seeing has not schooled herself in BPD nor DBT, she just does not have the skills needed to help you at this place in your life.  She was helpful when you needed her after the "emotional affair", however, you are in a very different place now.  Her advice is more harmful than helpful, and in my opinion, you don't need that.

In fact, if your dd was with a T like that, you would pull her out fast as lightening.  You would not allow her to be treated that way, nor spoken to in ignorance.  You derserve better as well!  It is not to slight the T, but rather, you need a different course of treatment.  Time to rememeber, you are paying her, she works for you.  And it is time to find another T, and maybe weaning off of her as you amp up with new T.  Care for you needs Griz, not hers.  You are worthy and deserving.  You are fabulous.

It makes me think, how hard this is for you, and how much harder it must be for your dd to try to find and trust a new T.  I can understand her adversion to the process, because so many T's dissapoint.  One thing I did for my dd (maybe I told this to you a while back?), but I went on a search and preinterviewed T's.  I looked for a BPD specialist, spoke with other T's who knew her, and had a one hour session with her before I decided that she would be our best last hope.  DD is still seeing her.   How I got her there was messy and emotional, and perhaps maniuplative on my part.  Griz, I broke down, crying, saying I can't just sit by and watch her die slowly.  And if this person did not make her case in the first session, she did not have to go back, but that I had met her and put her through the ringer.  She went (not as smoothly and easily as this sounds, as you can well imagine).

Over one year later, she is going to her appt at 2 o'clock today.  She has mad a litle bit of progress, not as much as we or T would like, but T is sticking with her and dd is sticking with her.

mik

[sunshineplease]

jellibeans, thanks so much for those links! What a positive, interesting guy. How refreshing to see someone dealing with these problems so openly and warmly.

[griz]

jellibeans:  Thank you for the link I finally had a chance to watch today while I am home alone and I was so touched with this gentleman.

Mikmik:  You are right, I need to care for myself and today I took a first step.  I thought about by T and the fact that since last week I have been walking around feeling like a failure. All I could think about was that if DD doesn't get better it will be my fault for not doing the right thing.  DD has a P when she was on medication. We all loved him, especially DD. When she decided last March that she was done with meds she only saw him twice after that.  He really understood her and I had asked him if he would see her in therapy.  He told me he doesn't see patients in therapy any longer but could give me some referrals for her.  Today I finally called him.  It is Sunday, but I left a message and asked him to call me tomorrow.  I know he will as he is a very wonderful and caring doctor.  It is time for me to start finding a new therapist. Someone who understands both what DD is feeling (BPD) and what I am feeling as a parent. I made a small list of things I need to do to take care of me.  It is very hard for me to do this but I am going to take it slow and do one thing at a time. Tomorrow will be my first step.

Griz

[jellibeans]

Good for you griz... .  sounds like you have a plan and that goes a long way when you feel discouraged. I have had to chance T with my dd and I think that is common with BPD. Not every T has the ability and not every BPD is going to connect with a T.

You sound so good and positive... .  keep going forward and I know things will get better for you and your dd. Take care of yourself.  

[Reality]

griz,

Funny, I have been thinking about radical self-care often today and yesterday.

You know, the regulars, nutrition, exercise and sleep and one I am finding very helpful though it takes conscious attention, be gentle with myself. 

So dear griz,

I hope caring for yourself in small steps brings you comfort and peace... .  

Reality

[griz]

Reality:

Part of my plan is my walking for Will.  I am tallying the miles and walking almost everyday.  It is good for me to get out, get a little exercise, me time and the best part is I take the dog with me and he is so exhausted he has actually been getting himself into less trouble.

I wear my bracelet and I put one of the pins on his collar. 

Griz

[mikmik]

Griz,

Wonderful first steps for you, and wonderful steps all around for Will. 

mik

[griz]

Just a little update.  So we are into day 5 of my new morning boundary.  So far we are 4 for 5.  DD has gotten herself out of the house on time and I have happily dropped her off at class.  The one morning she was late, I said nothing but drove right to my office and she had to walk.  I made no mention of her being late or that I wasn't driving her to class.

Yesterday I had to be a work a half hour early.  I mentioned to DD that I had to leave early and I that I would appreciate if she could be ready as I had an important meeting.  OMG, she was ready on time.  I didn't make a big deal about it but I did thank her at the end of the day, just saying" I really appreciate you being ready this morning, It makes such a difference for me when my life is less stressful".  So I am continuing with my boundaries.

I am still waiting to hear from DD's doctor.  He called me yesterday but I missed his call.  Hopefully he will have some good advice for me.

Thanks for all your support.

Griz

[peaceplease]

 

[qcarolr]

Awesome griz   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Hi Griz,

as to taking good care of ourselves, not being too hard on ourselves, and being gentle with ourselves, I have read a wonderful book, that might otherwise escape out attention on this board, because of its title: "The Narcissistic Family" by Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert M. Pressman.

It is a really good book for all of us, who grew up with too much responsibility on our shoulders, whatever the reasons may have been.

The term "narcissistic family" does NOT imply anyone necessarily having NPD, rather it implies a family model, where the parents could not or would not be appropriately nurturing toward a child/children for different reasons. The children often grew up feeling like little adults, and display some of the same symptoms as adult children of alcoholics... .  It is amazing.

It says that a lot of these adults grow up feeling inadequate and that something is wrong with them, they read a lot of self-help books, but are never able to figure out what the problem is... .  

I found a lot of encouragement in this book and it finally started me on a good journey toward a more happy life, not being so hard on myself, and being able to try new things and accept that failure is sometimes an ok way towards progress.

pesi

[griz]

Thank you Pesi, this seems like a good read for me.  Funny but I can almost always be found in the self-help aisle of the book store.  I am going to look for this on line today.

Griz