Custody thoughts

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have an undiagnosed BPDx wife that has custody of our two young girls. 10 and 7.   We divorced approximately two years ago and as part of that agreement she was granted joint custody but primary custodian.  I  also allowed her to move 7 hours away and out of State.  While I do regret making that decision now, I do believe it was the best I could do at the time.  As a father that runs a small business and travels occasionally (once a month or so) I wasn't sure I would be able to devote the time necessary to being a full time parent.  I truthfully wanted nothing more than to stop contact with her and was just as eager to start a new life.  However there are two children here that are both struggling and am uncertain with how to determine whether or not I need to contest for custody.

a.  My 10 year old was held back a grade for struggling in 3rd grade.  Professional testing shows she scores well below average for her age.

b.  My 7 year old's testing was not as bad as her sister's however her grades from her teacher show her struggling poorly.

c.  I think my BPDx still struggles with alcohol but am unable to confirm any of that as I'm 7 hours away. 

d.  My BPDx has allowed her boyfriend to move in which is in violation of our agreement.  Should I push this I think she'd just run to the courthouse and finalize the paperwork.

I suppose my question is at what point do I draw the line?  Where is the boundary?  At what point is enough, enough?

I'm just now learning about BPD.  I had no idea something like this even existed until 2-3 weeks ago and wish I had learned about it earlier.  After reading about the symptoms and discussing with a counselor, her behavior fits it to a T.  I do have a lawyer on retainer to rewrite our agreement.  I also understand that I need to make it as deliberate and as detailed as possible.  The harassing texts and emails continue, she is continually late to drop off the children, owes a significant amount of back taxes, the list goes on and on.  We've just now started getting extra tutoring help, but I'm not sure it's enough and has just begun to not respond to requests for information regarding the kids.  Any help or advice is greatly appreciated!

[mick37]

I have an undiagnosed BPDx wife that has custody of our two young girls. 10 and 7.   We divorced approximately two years ago and as part of that agreement she was granted joint custody but primary custodian.  I  also allowed her to move 7 hours away and out of State.  While I do regret making that decision now, I do believe it was the best I could do at the time.  As a father that runs a small business and travels occasionally (once a month or so) I wasn't sure I would be able to devote the time necessary to being a full time parent.  I truthfully wanted nothing more than to stop contact with her and was just as eager to start a new life.  However there are two children here that are both struggling and am uncertain with how to determine whether or not I need to contest for custody.

a.  My 10 year old was held back a grade for struggling in 3rd grade.  Professional testing shows she scores well below average for her age.

b.  My 7 year old's testing was not as bad as her sister's however her grades from her teacher show her struggling poorly.

c.  I think my BPDx still struggles with alcohol but am unable to confirm any of that as I'm 7 hours away. 

d.  My BPDx has allowed her boyfriend to move in which is in violation of our agreement.  Should I push this I think she'd just run to the courthouse and finalize the paperwork.

I suppose my question is at what point do I draw the line?  Where is the boundary?  At what point is enough, enough?

I'm just now learning about BPD.  I had no idea something like this even existed until 2-3 weeks ago and wish I had learned about it earlier.  After reading about the symptoms and discussing with a counselor, her behavior fits it to a T.  I do have a lawyer on retainer to rewrite our agreement.  I also understand that I need to make it as deliberate and as detailed as possible.  The harassing texts and emails continue, she is continually late to drop off the children, owes a significant amount of back taxes, the list goes on and on.  We've just now started getting extra tutoring help, but I'm not sure it's enough and has just begun to not respond to requests for information regarding the kids.  Any help or advice is greatly appreciated!

[DivDad]

Press with your lawyer.

Borderlines will push right up the edge of court petitions... .  but deep down in... .  they are afraid of the court and judges.  It's the only authority they can't control or manipulate.

If you don't do anything... .  it will signal to the Bline that she can do more... .  and violate the agreement more.

Just bunch up a few contempt issues (and motions) and file them all at once.

It will not change her ways (over the mid and long term) but it will slow her down from stepping all over the Agreement and you.

[scraps66]

mick this is kind of what is ongoing with a BP - where to draw the line because there is consistent conflict and just how much energy can one muster to fight ALL the fights.

As far as the boyfriend.  I had a similar situation, however did not have the support of a documented order to prohibit ex from haivng her boyfriend around my kids while she lived in the marital residence with me paying and living in a temporary shack.  My intention was to have that included in a parenting plan, but it never happened.  Now, 3 yrs later, that guy is now portrayed as "dad" to my kids, and I have the continuous battle of being put in this competitive situation with this boyfriend.  Correct that, my kids are put in the position of always "choosing" andcomparing households.  It's all fabrciated Disneyland for my ex.

For me this all started five months after I had been booted from the house.  So, my advice, if she's violating the agreement, enforce the agreement.  You can't change her and to a degree you can't control her, but, you can see some o the environment must be affecting the kids.  I experienced this as well, S8 diagnosed ODD, then mildly autisitc.  Ex denied she has anything to do with his developemnt.

I would discuss with your attorney with a bias towards enforcing your agreement. 

[mick37]

I read the book Splitting - It had some great advice if you were working up to divorce but little about how to deal with it afterwards.  It seems that it requires a lot more specifics about the nature of the agreement.  The tough part I'm finding is how the agreement is enforced.  She's constantly late to drop off the kids (up to 3 hours late) and if you've already driven 3 to 3.5 hours, its not fun.  I am in the middle of a rewrite at the moment and have an attorney on file.  I'm also planning on talking to a child psychologist to see about their development. 

[livednlearned]

mick37,

Are you in a position to petition for a change making you primary custodial parent?

[stuckinbetween]

Did you learn from the professional testing specifically why they are struggling?  Did they have undiagnosed learning disabilities?  Emotional Disabilities?  Do they have IEPs?  Aside from custody issues, your kids may be entitled to more help at school.  I have a grad. degree in educational psychology and have written IEPs.  Has your younger d been tested?  By law the school has to do comprehensive testing for any and all suspected disabilities if you put your request in writing, and you have a right to the results, and are half of the IEP team.

Stuckinbetween

[Mind]

Press with your lawyer.

Borderlines will push right up the edge of court petitions... .  but deep down in... .  they are afraid of the court and judges.  It's the only authority they can't control or manipulate.

If you don't do anything... .  it will signal to the Bline that she can do more... .  and violate the agreement more.

Just bunch up a few contempt issues (and motions) and file them all at once.

It will not change her ways (over the mid and long term) but it will slow her down from stepping all over the Agreement and you.


This is so helpful. The process is just beginning for me. My H threatened me that his lawyer as an in with the courts and he will fight me on custody.  Great to know that they actually can't face the courts. 

Just like his counselor.  He could not  bear to have me in the same room with her! 

[Thunderstruck]

Since you're far away and don't have "eyes" on her or the kids, you could consider hiring a PI to gather information.