How do I support him in T without getting hurt?

[AbayaLady]

Hi all,

I should be posting here regularly to share what's been going on but it's just been three months (feels like years) that I've been with my uBPD and I was hoping I could cope better using tips from this site, my T, books, etc.

Boundary-setting has worked to some extent, and I am getting more sleep now due to my refusal to sit and listen to accusations (he is obsessed with the idea that I have cheated/still cheat and brings up the same "noises" he heard OVER and OVER, demanding an explanation). Just a note, we live 1,000 miles apart so that doesn't help, but it means I can hang up/disengage more easily.

I've learned not to JADE, and all of these things help but it makes him become distant at first, then he amps up the pushing when he comes back. He says outrageous things about him cheating and then takes them back. His insults get worse, he can't stand not getting a reaction from me. You've all heard/been through this before I'm sure!

So on Friday things finally came to a head and he declared that we were through, said he never loved me, never was attracted to me (of course he always says how hot/beautiful/wonderful I am normally), and to forget about him. As predicted, in the morning, he's all "let's work it out/I'm sorry/yada yada yada". I agree to talk to him but state that things are not just ok overnight and he needs to get help/respect my boundaries. He does it again last night, calling me worse names.

Today he sent a long, "sincere" text about how it's time for him to get help, he won't contact me again, and he is ready to end the cycle. Of course he texts about 4 more times saying he can't do it alone, and do I forgive him?

If I don't respond or talk to him, he will say I am not supporting him in T even though I asked him to go. But if I do engage, he draws me right back in and acts like everything's normal.

My question: How do I support him (if he really does start therapy) without making him think we are back together/just fine?

Thank you for reading and for any advice you can give!

p.s. I lost my insurance recently so I had to stop seeing my T but I might go once a month and pay cash because she's been so helpful. He has insurance.

[Clearmind]

AbayaLady, it sounds like you have a grasp on boundaries which is good. They protect you!

There is a big difference between supporting a loved one and enabling - I think your question is therefore a good one.

I will mention, and maybe a reality check, that its possible he may not get himself into therapy. This is where we need to decide if we are still comfortable with the prospect of a relationship and if getting into therapy is a deal breaker.

I think honesty is the best policy. I'm not an advocate for saying that you will get back together if he gets into therapy - because you really don't know what will happen down the track.

So my suggestion: is to be present and don't loose yourself in his antics, support him if he gets into therapy, don't make promises and be open and honest about how you feel, use validation.

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

SELF-AWARE: Are you supporting or enabling?

What do you want AbayaLady? What are you undecided about?

[AbayaLady]

Thank you Clearmind for the thoughtful reply!

I like the guideline of keeping it open-ended and not making any promises to reconcile. I want to keep saying "get help and then we will see where things go". He doesn't like this but it's all I can give at this point.

I am not too hopeful that he will get therapy or that it will change things enough for us to work—I've read too many stories of people who have been dealing with this for years or decades and I'm not sure I can handle that based on how hard just the last three months have been.

What do you want AbayaLady? What are you undecided about?

What I want is to make sure I am not just cutting someone off without giving them a chance at all. If I ask him to get help over and over and he finally does it but I say I'm out anyway, then he'll feel like it was for nothing and may not even try to get better. But I also know that he has to really want it, and that it can't be just to keep me around. It's confusing because it doesn't seem the high-functioning BPDs actually seek help often without being prodded by a partner.

I'm undecided about whether I really do want to stay in the relationship and keep trying to make it work. Just like everyone else says about their partners, he's amazing when things are good, makes me feel like no one ever has, is very kind, compassionate, and loving. He may be manipulating me but he says I am the best woman he's been with and he wants to break the cycle.

[Clearmind]

What I want is to make sure I am not just cutting someone off without giving them a chance at all. If I ask him to get help over and over and he finally does it but I say I'm out anyway, then he'll feel like it was for nothing and may not even try to get better. But I also know that he has to really want it, and that it can't be just to keep me around. It's confusing because it doesn't seem the high-functioning BPDs actually seek help often without being prodded by a partner.

You are correct they generally don't - and its not the partner doing the prodding. Borderlines need to hit rock bottom before they get help

High-F BPDs don't often allow themselves to hit rock bottom. This is why enabling is not a good idea - they have to want to do it.

Recovery is a very long road - years! Prepare yourself.

I want to stay in the relationship and keep trying to make it work. Just like everyone else says about their partners, he's amazing when things are good, makes me feel like no one ever has, is very kind, compassionate, and loving. He may be manipulating me but he says I am the best woman he's been with and he wants to break the cycle.

Yes my ex had amazing qualities too. Being undecided is hard - maybe start thinking about the relationship, how it is now, rather than the potential of what it might be if he sought out therapy.

We only have the ability to change ourselves. He has to want to change himself.

If it was to remain status quo what are your thoughts? (removing the notion of him getting help)