However, it seems that as soon as i let my guard down and allow myself to get emotionally close then she starts "testing" me again. For example, she complained that i don't want her in my life because i didn't always invite her over when i had my kids (from previous divorce). Then a few weeks ago i invited her to a function that i was interested in going to with my friends and she took a pass and said she wanted to work out. Then the next day she said, "i should've probably gone with you"
Walking on eggshells is a tough way to live TBK and I understand that feeling all too well.
Often a disordered person will catastrophize and this can be hard to keep up with and its also very unpredictable.
Can I make a suggestion? It sounds to me like your relationship is somewhat enmeshed. If we walk on eggshells for long enough we begin to forget our own boundaries and needs at the expense of pleasing our loved ones. Stepping back from the situation and becoming a little more independent – gradually – from her will do you and her a great service.
Your partner needs to learn to cope with disappointment on her own – you cannot make it all OK for her. If she makes a decision, its her choice to own it or not – there is no need for us to take on guilt.
In the example above re: you visiting your children – how could you validate her feelings while still going ahead with your plans to visit your kiddos?
This may help you:
Communication using validation. What it is; how to do itI see this behavior alot; it's part oppositional and just plain crazy making.
Don’t engage in the crazy making.
So what sent me over the line this past week was that i met several health professionals at a seminar I went to that weekend. A few gave me cards with their contacts and one asked me to friend her on linkedin. I am a very loyal man and have never cheated or do not think about that kind of thing. I do have many female professional friends who are coaches, and fellow practitioners. About a week after connecting with several of these people I found out that my gf picked the one who was most attractive and friended her too. I have seen her do "stalking" type behaviors before out of her insecurity. For example, during our breakup she went to my son's college facebook page and posted comments to my son. It felt weird because it was during the breakup. Lastly, she said to me recently " i wish you would adore me like you adored hit_" - a relationship that i had in my past and had told her about. BTW, i never told her that i "adored" her. That is just common logic- why would any man tell a woman he is going out with that he adored someone else. What i did say when she asked me if i had loved her back then? i answered yes. So there is definitely the distortion thing going on from what i can see.
Boundaries! She is busting them. Also using validation.
So with all this complaining about her behavior why am I on here you might ask?
Here it is in a nutshell: I just need to check in and see if anyone here thinks I'm over-reacting by cutting her off. I was wounded by a udBPDexw and I still have to put up with all the fall out with my kids.
I cannot tell you whether you should leave TBK.
What I find interesting, and this happens a lot (to me included) – is that we normalize behaviors and believe if we just do xyz then all will be fine with our partners. Its likely you are not imagining your struggles with your relationship and yet we can underestimate ourselves and what we experience.
Do yourself a favor – go for a walk in nature or at a place that you feel at peace in – pause, listen to your belly, your mind chatter and see where it takes you. Its common for folks like us, who are attracted to Borderlines or those with Borderline traits to completely negate our feelings and self blame – there is a reason for that – and part of your healing is to delve a little deeper and figure out why.
When you work on you, you will also help your relationship – one of you needs to break the conflict cycle. Over to the left of the screen is the Choosing A Path article – much of that is right on the money.
She is draining to me at times and at other times she can be really good to me but i feel afraid to leave her she was the best sexual partner i ever had and she is a good person underneath all the emotional stuff she goes through.
Can you help me understand this TBK?
This is an interesting statement.
2. Am i making a big mistake and treating her like a borderline when she is just severely ADD ( i don't know if ADD women call you ten times after you tell them you need to get off the phone and they just won't say goodbye- this happened many times and i would hang up and then not answer afterwards because i was trying to set boundaries.)
Look at the actions/behaviors not the label.
