I think it's just fleas, but I need help helping my D10

[Jagged]

The BPD in my life is my undiagnosed husband, who at least has strong BPD traits, and I am currently undecided on whether or not to stay in the marriage. Our oldest daughter, D10 has learned some pretty harmful coping mechanisms from him, and I am hoping you guys and gals will have some advice on how to help her learn better ones.

It's been a long time since he has self harmed in front of the kids, because whenever he starts (banging his head on the wall) I remove the children from the area. Still, this behaviour has leaked into the kids, especially our D10. Recently, when she is upset about something, she hits herself and screams "Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!"

I'm going to come right out and say I have absolutely no idea how to handle this. We just got a new family Dr, and I plan on mentioning it to her at D10's well child visit next month, but a month, as I am sure you know, is a long time, and while this Dr is a good Dr, she is very busy, and also not a parent.

If anyone on here can tell me how to handle this situation other than just telling her I love her and don't want any of my children to hurt any of my children, especially themselves, please, please tell me and I will do it. This frightens me. A lot.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lovesjazz]

Ican understand why this is frightening for you. Do you have a child therapist for her? Even living with someone with BPD can create problems. My suggestion would be to get her into therapy, good luck and let us know how things go.

[cfh]

I agree with lovesjazz.  This must be very scary for you... .  is it possible for you to find a therapist that deals with children?  For most of us on this board therapy has been a tremendous help.  Keep us posted and take care of yourself too.

[tiredmommy2]

That has to be absolutely terrifying!   

When my BPDd first started in with the behavioral problems, I found her school counselor to be the greatest resource of all. She not only had sessions with BPDd, but enrolled her in a special program where a therapist came to the school to work with struggling children.  When BPDd's behavioral problems escalated, she assisted me with finding the additional help that we needed. 

I definitely think that this is a lot to take on on your own - you're going to need lots of support. Would you feel comfortable sharing this with your daughter's school counselor?

[sunshineplease]

Wow, Jagged, that is a handful. One thing I'm thinking might help would be family therapy, where you all could openly discuss healthy coping strategies as well as how to support someone (daughter, husband) who is upset and wants to self-harm. Our ft has said that by not talking about our problems (my husband's tendency toward depression and mine toward anxiety, as well as our daughter's sh behavior) we were creating an environment of shame; by making the implicit explicit, we go a long way toward promoting empathy and healing.