Sometimes I feel sad for her

[FemmeK]

No particular kind of response necessary. I guess I am just throwing this out to the universe:

Sometimes, I am angry with my mother for not shielding me from her illness and even using it to manipulate me emotionally.

And other times, I just feel profoundly sad for her.

I worry that she will come to the end of her life (not too long from now) and decide that she was never loved by anyone, including me, and that all of her life was a big disappointment. She has said these things to me on occasion in the past and did again, today.

Perhaps I will feel angry in a while about it.

Right now, it's the daughter in me who loves her parents and just wishes they could be happy.

I know I can't control it.

[DreamGirl]

It's a practice in compassion, and that's OK. 

Realizing that when all is said and done, it would be hard to be in that kind of head space.

It's part of learning to let go. 

[Cordelia]

I totally relate to this, and have struggled with detaching from my mom's pain.  One thing that really helped me was a thought from Thich Naht Hahn, which says that children are physically comprised of their parents, on a molecular level.  So the parent continues to exist in the child, even when the life of the parent is over.  So if there is unresolved pain or distance in a relationship with a parent, it can actually be resolved within the child themselves.  The child can achieve a peace and forgiveness that the parent never could.  I love the thought of this, when I am feeling particularly sad about my mom's choices and the consequences of her decisions, and her bad luck to be affected by this disorder.  It's very healing to feel that although my mom may be trapped in a cycle of pain and poor decisions, that doesn't continue in my life, and I can achieve within myself the happiness and peace that my mom never could.  Literally on a genetic level, physical/spiritual matter that had been trapped in a cycle of causing and suffering pain can now be relieved of it, and enjoy life and be happy, the way I always wanted for her.  You can't create peace for her, but you can create it for yourself, and she is a part of you, so in a way you are creating peace for her when you experience it yourself.  I hope that isn't too convoluted - I didn't express it as elegantly as the original author.   

[GeekyGirl]

From what you've written, heck, I feel sad for your mother too. It is, as DreamGirl said, definitely compassionate to want others to be happy. Even though your mother has done some hurtful things in the past, it's ok to be sad when you imagine that she feels unloved or that her life was a disappointment. You can feel empathy for someone and be angry with them at the same time too.

[BiancaRose]

I totally relate to this, and have struggled with detaching from my mom's pain.  One thing that really helped me was a thought from Thich Naht Hahn, which says that children are physically comprised of their parents, on a molecular level.  So the parent continues to exist in the child, even when the life of the parent is over.  So if there is unresolved pain or distance in a relationship with a parent, it can actually be resolved within the child themselves.  The child can achieve a peace and forgiveness that the parent never could. 

That's a beautiful thought. In a sense, it expresses the entire goal I've been working towards: to break the cycle of abuse and be the first parent in my family to approach parenting from a remotely healthy place. I like the idea that in some sense, my mother can have peace after she's gone through my efforts to find peace in myself.

[waybird]

You can't create peace for her, but you can create it for yourself, and she is a part of you, so in a way you are creating peace for her when you experience it yourself.

Wow.  Thank you for this.  I always feel a tinge of guilt when I strive for personal well-being.  I come from a family where if I was in a good place and my uBPD mom wasn't, then it was selfish of me to be there.  If she was feeling bad, then I was supposed to feel bad, too.  This gives me new perspective.