Kicked out for being ill

[heronbird]

Hi me again,

How can a husband kick his wife out when she is so vulnerable, he has stolen her home and baby.

My dd has lost everything, home, baby, husband.

Yesterday in the mental health unit she got attacked and threatened with a knife.

She just wants to die, I cant blame her this time.

What a horrible man though, he didnt even give her a chance, just one year and two months of BPD and he cant cope.

And now hes telling his criminal family bad things about dd.

Would he have done that if she had cancer, maybe  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[griz]

Heron:  My heart aches for your daughter.  I can understand how she would feel like giving up. But she has not lost everything, she has you and she has herself.   Is this unit a safe place for her to be?  How could someone have access to a knife? 

As for your question, would he have done that if she had cancer.  Probably not... .this is the stigma of mental illness? 

I will be thinking of you and your daughter and sending you strength and as always hugs.

Griz  

[heronbird]

How sad that is then Griz, no he wouldnt of done that if she had cancer, yet to me there is no difference, ill is ill, its black and white.

If he had dont that to her and she was physically  ill everyone would realise how horrid he is.

Well, actually most people I know think he is nasty for that, its only his family who dont understand, yet they are riddled with problems including OCD.

The place my dd is in is as safe as can be, they are all mentally ill and have a wide range of problems, some can be like that.

Yet my dd would never ever hurt anyone.  

She does have me, but thats not enough.

I dont know what to say to her, to help her.

Usually I can say, dont worry its only ------- but I cant say dont worry its your dh and lovely baby and home.

That was her life

[griz]

Heron:  I agree.  It is very sad and yes it is true if she was physically ill, people would be horrified.  I too believe it is black and white, but most people just don't get that.   I am glad that dd is in a safe place.  Got a little alarmed when I saw the knife thing.  I wish I had some words to share with you that might help your dd. Some words that would at least comfort her.  I saw an old aquaintence yesterday.  Our girls used to be very close friends.  I inquired as to how her daughter was doing. She gave me a whole list of all the wonderful things going on in her daughters life, all big smiles.  Funny how she forgot to ask about my DD?  Almost like she never existed. Bet she would have asked if DD had been phyically ill.  My dh told me I should have said before I walked away, "Oh in case you were wondering DD is doing well".

Griz

[heronbird]

Wow, thats so gutting isnt it    

Most of my friends are so understanding, I guess if they werent, I probably wouldnt think a lot of them, and I most probably wouldnt have much to do with them.

So I guess when you get the one person who is not then its more of a shock.

I know what you mean though, it wasnt a friend who you met, so thats different.

Maybe you should have wondered if she had a PD when she didnt ask about your dd haha, just a silly joke. You know... .some people just love to just talk about themselves hehe

I spoke to the hospital today quickly, they told me she is on one to one. This is definitely the worse I have ever seen dd. I dont understand why she wont let me visit.

Theres nothing to do in the hospital so she is going to get really bored.

[Reality]

heronbird,

What do you mean by one to one?  :)o you mean supervision?  Let us hope that she has kind, compassinate doctors, nurses etc.  

Reality

[Reality]

I saw an old aquaintence yesterday.  Our girls used to be very close friends.  I inquired as to how her daughter was doing. She gave me a whole list of all the wonderful things going on in her daughters life, all big smiles.  Funny how she forgot to ask about my DD?  Almost like she never existed. Bet she would have asked if DD had been phyically ill.  My dh told me I should have said before I walked away, "Oh in case you were wondering DD is doing well".

griz,

I can think of something better you could have said!  Weird culture, when people don't care for each other.  That is what life is all about... .

Reality

[heronbird]

Hi

One to one, means she has a nurse watching her 24/7 so she cant do anything dangerous. They dont do that lightly :'(

They do seem to be nice, ish any way, as best as you can get. They dont do anything like therapy though

[crazedncrazymom]

OMG heron,

What a nightmare your poor DD is living.  I'll tell ya right now even without mental illness if I lost my house, my beautiful baby and my DH I'd probably be locked up on one-to-one too!  She is so fortunate to have a mom like you.  You've been there for her every step of the way.  It's so very hard to be in a place where we can't do anything to help our beautiful children.  I can't imagine the pain you are in watching this and unable to do anything.  DD probably needs time to lick her wounds and face some very hard stuff.  She will come around and need to see you.  I know when I'm in the most pain I need to be alone to get through the hardest part and then bring my people in to help.  Right now I doubt very much she even wants to pick herself up and start figuring things out.  She probably just needs to wallow for awhile.

[heronbird]

Crazedncrazymum

Well, she asked for some things from the shops, so I said Id drop them in to her, she did want to see me and we chatted for 15 mins, was nice.

She seems to be trying to not think about everything, its so hard for her. If I try to talk about the baby, she just says, dont talk about him, it upsets me too much.

I think she is trying to be tough but she obviously isnt.

Ive never seen her this bad.

One good thing is, she is telling the clinicians the truth about how bad she is, normally she would lie.

Thanks for your message

[Someday . . .]

Heronbird,  I hear your extreme sadness, pain, anguish, and concern in this incredibly heartbreaking situation.  I just wanted you to know that you and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers.    

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Oh, heronbird... .   

I am so sorry things took such a quick turn for the worse... .No wonder your dd is in the state she is. Any mother would be beside herself if her baby was taken away from her and she lost a home and a husband all at once. How much more so our darlings?  :'(

At least it seems like she is safe for the moment... .

What about the baby? Are the Social services leaving him to the dad, or do you have any legal rights also?

How are you holding up? Are you taking care of yourself?

[heronbird]

Pessim,

The dad has the baby, basically ss told me they were setting him up to fail so to speak. They will be doing un announced visits every two weeks, not enough in my eyes. He is on drugs but they dont worry about that, they say a lot of parents out there are, so no drug test for him :'(

I have to some how put a closure on this some how.

We would have rights, but its completely up to dd, when she is well, and I dont think it will be for a long time.

Ive never seen my dd so bad, so I cant predict, this time, what will happen. Usually with dd, she stays in hospital for a short time then gets better, but I cant see her getting better for a long time, she scares me, she says she will stay in hospital for ever  

I have a meeting tomorrow with ss and I will be asking why my dd has not been taken into consideration in anyway.

Having said that, she says two main things when it comes to the baby, firstly, dont talk about him, it upsets her too much

Secondly, she does  not want to see him for half an hour here and there it will hurt her too much.

I must admit, I feel the same.

Tonight, we texted x sil and asked nicely, could we have some stuff for dd. He has not replied    

Its a time/ waiting game.

All so so sad

[pessim-optimist]

It IS truly very very sad... .      

It looks like the first priority is dd for sure. No wonder she feels so depressed and with BPD making her feel like this is forever sure doesn't help. - It IS a symptom though, and with your skills and experience: What does Valerie Porr say about that? What has helped in the past? Is it validate, try to re-direct and distract, and validate some more, or some other strategy?

That meeting with ss sounds like a good idea.

On the issue with the baby - is there a deadline of some kind regarding her and your rights to the baby? (It might be wise to know what you are dealing with, so you might help in the future.)

[heronbird]

Pessim,

Not sure what Valerie says, I might get round to asking her but she is so busy, its hard to get a reply for her.

This is truly different though, how can validation help when she has lost everything she thought she loved, and especially her baby.

The meeting with ss went ok, she is going to see if the dad will let us look after the baby once a week for a few hours, I am not quite sure I want to really go down this root, its just that Im so scared, he will black mail us or something. He seems to hate us or me for some reason. Ive tried so hard with him, but he seems like he cant cope, he may be like a 3 year old, he cant process certain info, he sees everything in black and white, and he has paranoia.

He really thinks Im ready, waiting with passport and going to steel the baby, well he obviously hasnt thought it through properly, haha, how about my other children and all my family who live locally, let alone my friends etc

What does this say about him  

[pessim-optimist]

This is truly different though, how can validation help when she has lost everything she thought she loved, and especially her baby.

It can help if they know we feel their pain, I believe. Weeping with her, sitting with her, hugging her. And then slowly re-directing the conversation to something positive... .(I don't know if it would help with your dd, as her situation is SO painful. It does help me with my sd when she is in distress)

The meeting with ss went ok, she is going to see if the dad will let us look after the baby once a week for a few hours, I am not quite sure I want to really go down this root, its just that Im so scared, he will black mail us or something. He seems to hate us or me for some reason. Ive tried so hard with him, but he seems like he cant cope, he may be like a 3 year old, he cant process certain info, he sees everything in black and white, and he has paranoia.

I wonder if/when the ss are going to see the true scope of his 

He really thinks Im ready, waiting with passport and going to steel the baby, well he obviously hasnt thought it through properly, haha, how about my other children and all my family who live locally, let alone my friends etc

What does this say about him  

  that must be so frustrating... .   

[heronbird]

Yes, I think you are right about comforting her, but she wont let me visit her so its so difficult, she does not want to see anyone.

I wonder what will happen, if she gets better, how is that going to work because when she is discharged, she is going to have nightmare time, trying to see baby and dh being so bitter towards her.

Yes, thats right, dh seems to blame her for being ill.

                       

On the plus side, being in hospital with other like minded people, she is getting some good input from them.

She said to one patient that she wants to just go home and live a normal life, the other girl replied, but you cant. She has also got BPD and I think it may help to speak to these people.

[pessim-optimist]

... .She is going to have nightmare time, trying to see baby and dh being so bitter towards her.

Could there be a set up where she would pick up the baby in a neutral environment? Like scheduled visitations where exSIL drops the baby at your/or another place and dd picks him up when he is gone?

On the plus side, being in hospital with other like minded people, she is getting some good input from them.

She said to one patient that she wants to just go home and live a normal life, the other girl replied, but you cant. She has also got BPD and I think it may help to speak to these people.

That is so true. And, you never know, things may change in the future... .