Re: i'm new. could really use some insights. is my ex-gf BPD?

[fakename]

so NC since feb 4th and she emails me today... .  

nothing but "chantix.com will help you quit smoking"


what the hell do i do?

i have been telling myself i wouldn't reply when she tried contacting me... .  to get away and stay away... .  but have been secretly hoping she would email me... .  last night and this morning i was thinking that i would want to keep a relationship alive just for the sex, but i dont know if that's just my addiction to her talking


i dont know if i should reply with something short like, "please delete my contact information, thank you"

or send this BPD questionnaire i have for her to fill out... .  


any guidance would be great

[hithere]

both your ideas don't sound that great... .  

If you want to continue the sex then simply tell her you miss her and wonder if you can still date till either of you gets serious with someone else... .  but be prepared to hop back on the crazy-train.

There will be a price to pay.

[lbjnltx]

Hello fakename,

Just wanted to pop in and say hello and get you moved over to a home board.  From the interaction you have had here it seems you are not quite sure if you are leaving or staying.

Our staying board has great lessons for improving relationships and self improvement tools.

Our leaving board has great lessons on disengaging/detaching and healing.

Then we have the undecided board to help you realistically assess your relationship and make well thought out and emotionally mature decisions regarding your relationship.

How do you see yourself and your situation fitting in here on the site?

Where would you like your focus to be?

I look forward to hearing back from you.

lbjnltx

[fakename]

lbjnltx,

thanks for writing...

how do i see myself and my situation fitting in here on the site?

i really have no idea.  i broke up with my exgf with BPD feb 4th only because i had enough of her lies and cheating.  it wasnt until a week after that i decided to start googling what she acted like, and i guess only 3 days ago that i joined this site.  so thinking she has BPD is really new to me.  to top it off, she broke NC and emailed me this morning. 

i have no idea whether i want to tough out the relationship. at first i tohught i was just dealing with fibromylagia and depression with her. now BPD too? it makes it tough want to fight for it knowing that she can lie and cheat on me any day of the week and it apparently is 'out of her control'

i guess i'm lost in my mind, as well as on this site. i'm checking out the different boards and i going through reading all of the member "2010"'s posts (is she still an active member)?

where do you think my focus should be?

[MakeItHappen]

lbjnltx,

thanks for writing...

how do i see myself and my situation fitting in here on the site?

i really have no idea.  i broke up with my exgf with BPD feb 4th only because i had enough of her lies and cheating.  it wasnt until a week after that i decided to start googling what she acted like, and i guess only 3 days ago that i joined this site.  so thinking she has BPD is really new to me.  to top it off, she broke NC and emailed me this morning. 

i have no idea whether i want to tough out the relationship. at first i tohught i was just dealing with fibromylagia and depression with her. now BPD too? it makes it tough want to fight for it knowing that she can lie and cheat on me any day of the week and it apparently is 'out of her control'

i guess i'm lost in my mind, as well as on this site. i'm checking out the different boards and i going through reading all of the member "2010"'s posts (is she still an active member)?

where do you think my focus should be?

that's the thing though, it's ALWAYS something with BPD. ALWAYS. perhaps, that is how they lure us in. to fix things.

[Grey Kitty]

i wonder why she only would contact me when she was lonely or single, but when she was with me, she would contact her ex?

she said her ex was the 1st guy she never cheated on, even though she booty-called me a couple times during a couple of their break ups... .  but i wonder why doesnt she contact me when she's dating others?

Why she does it is one question. Here's another one:

What about you? Do you wish she would contact you when she was dating others? How would you feel if she did?

[lbjnltx]

Hello again fakename,

Since you are "undecided" I would say that Undecided is a place to land right now... .  

Let's move the convo over there and get you started on the Lessons at the top of that board.

lbjnltx

[fakename]

grey kitty,

she emailed me today and i know she is dating others.

it makes me feel pretty crappy. i was feeling fine before i knew this.

it kinda makes me want to email her back and tell her she has BPD and tell her to stop her self destructive behavior.

[Grey Kitty]

grey kitty,

she emailed me today and i know she is dating others.

it makes me feel pretty crappy. i was feeling fine before i knew this.

Sorry to hear that. I'm glad you are listening to your feelings about it though. They are important.

it kinda makes me want to email her back and tell her she has BPD and tell her to stop her self destructive behavior.

I completely understand your desire to do that. Both because you are hurting and because you wish she would deal with her illness and get better.

Many people here have tried telling their partner that they have BPD. It isn't a good way to help your partner deal with BPD. The results are usually awful.

So I recommend that you hold back that urge if you can.

[fakename]

grey kitty,

this last go around of us trying to have a relationship, i did my best to not hurt her and mold myself to her needs. being patient and understanding, supportive and helpful of her fibromyalgia and everything else, never raising my voice etc.

only time i would leave is when i would find out she contacted her ex (her ex continues to ignore her)... .  at those times the worst i would do is say i cant do this any more, how can you keep doing this to me, and how can you keep lying, and then just leave her... .  only to take her back again... .  

anyway, i say the above so i guess you'll believe me when i say the last thing i want to do is hurt her.  in the end, whether she's with me or not, i care about that girl, i often told her she was the most important person in my life, though i dont know what any of what we had means any more... .  

but i do want to see that she gets helps sooner than later. she's 34, has fibromyalgia, and i know her having a kid is important to her (i personally, now, knowing all her genetic flaws would never want a kid with her), but i dont want her to run through life in chaos any longer, i would want her to try to work on what she needs to work on to get better... .  

if i'm maintaining NC with her, how can i tell her she has BPD, or walk her through that?

i cant just send her an email with a youtube video of what people with BPD go through and just tell her i thought it was an interesting video to watch?

she has a non-blood uncle that knows more about her failed relationships than her family, and he is good-hearted guy and looks at her as a daughter... .  should i just email him telling him that while i'm no longer in my ex's life, i needed someone to know about her BPD, and tell him he can choose to do something about it or not? i feel like i could leave easier if i had at least some feeling that something was going to be done, rather than her suffering continuing without any attention?

[fakename]

also, i feel like if i email her, that could me counter-productive in that she'll think i'm just at her disposal again and have no respect for me, falling to her simple email

[fakename]

how she sent me that BS email yesterday is really bothering me today. the pop up into your life and then disappear bit, make sure i still have you on a string... .  it hurts...

i dont know if i'm able to handle the emails or what will progress into texts and phone calls any more. i'm for some reason not marking her email as spam, so obviously i still want to hear from her... .  but i know i cant for my own health any more.

its just rough cause now i know what her problem is, and that makes me want to help her even though i know it'll never work out. i'm realizing that i do have some sort of disorder myself, in that i am acting this way, i spend so much time looking to see if she got any new emails, and i just throw away my life to wait for her. i'm smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, and though i'm eating healthy and working out, i'm still slowly killing myself.  i'm learning a lot about myself and this relationship with my ex with BPD, and i'm trying evolve as a person, but i just dont think i can if she keeps popping up.

im still not gonna reply to her BS email about chantix, but i feel like if she writes again, i feel like i'm going to respond with the below:

"i can understand why you are still contacting me.  its the same patterns i've experienced for years, and my pattern would be to go running back to you.  however i've spent a lot of time researching personality disorders and participating on message boards like bpdfamily.com and i realize myself, that i have a certain type of personality disorder, and i need to spend my time focusing on that, improving my health and functionality and learning more about why i react to things the way i do, why i sometimes disregard my morals and values when i never should and why i do certain things that i do and why i am the way i am.  i want to improve my soul and find more peace and happiness and i am on the path to do so.

it would be very helpful to me and my growth if you stop popping up whenever you do. there is nothing more i can say regarding that.  i need to be alone for my journey, as distracting coping methods would just hinder my progress."


what i hope to get out of that is her understanding that i have internal issues, and maybe she takes a moment to self-reflect and think she may want to look into why she acts the way she does.  i also hope that she has the compassion to not pop up in my life anymore, which previously she didn't mind, no matter if i ignored her. even if we didnt talk for a year, she still would come back. and i just think i can handle that cause i know i'll always take her back.

i dont know...

[recoil]

How about deleting it without a response?  Is that an option for you?

[fakename]

haha redcoil,

sometimes i think it is,

sometimes i think i want to at least give her a clue to what is wrong with her,

sometimes i want to get back together with her... .  

im not helping myself at all over here

[RedCandle]

"i can understand why you are still contacting me.  its the same patterns i've experienced for years, and my pattern would be to go running back to you.  however i've spent a lot of time researching personality disorders and participating on message boards like bpdfamily.com and i realize myself, that i have a certain type of personality disorder, and i need to spend my time focusing on that, improving my health and functionality and learning more about why i react to things the way i do, why i sometimes disregard my morals and values when i never should and why i do certain things that i do and why i am the way i am.  i want to improve my soul and find more peace and happiness and i am on the path to do so.

it would be very helpful to me and my growth if you stop popping up whenever you do. there is nothing more i can say regarding that.  i need to be alone for my journey, as distracting coping methods would just hinder my progress."

If you truly want to "improve your soul and find more peace and happiness"... .  you do not need to proclaim this to her... .  or explain yourself. With BPD'ers... .  I have found that LESS is a WHOLE lot MORE. I think your last paragraph sums up everything that needs to be said:

1. The interrupted and infrequent contact based on HER contact needs is hurtful and disrespectful to you.

2. You need to be alone to work on YOURSELF and not be distracted by (see number 1).

3. Be well. Sincerely, FakeName.

I would STRONGLY advise you NOT to tell her you've been posting on bpdfamily.com... .  she will more than likely find your posts. This is *anonymous* grounds for healing here... .  why expose yourself?

[MakeItHappen]

I would STRONGLY advise you NOT to tell her you've been posting on bpdfamily.com... .  she will more than likely find your posts. This is *anonymous* grounds for healing here... .  why expose yourself?

I agree. Don't let her know what you're doing and that you're working on yourself. Especially, don't let her know about posting in this forum.

It has the ability to cause more harm than good.

[Clearmind]

nothing but "chantix.com will help you quit smoking"

I have had two ex-BFs who demanded I quit smoking – I did! – when we broke up I took it back up again. For me personally, if they met me and I smoked then they have no right to then be resentful later and control.

Therefore if this email was sent to me, I would find it controlling.

what the hell do i do?

She has made contact! Do you reciprocate? This is up to you – however I do suggest you think about why you want to make contact. What are your expectations, what do you want from the r/s.

The reason we are on the undecided board is because we are undecided. Being undecided means we way up the relationship, the pros and cons, things we can work with and accept, things we can’t and whether this person we are undecided about is for us.

We also need to determine, with some distance, what our expectations are. We also need to determine if we are in the r/s for the right reasons – the only thing we can control is us and what we bring to the r/s.

i have been telling myself i wouldn't reply when she tried contacting me... .  to get away and stay away... .  but have been secretly hoping she would email me... .  last night and this morning i was thinking that i would want to keep a relationship alive just for the sex, but i dont know if that's just my addiction to her talking

i dont know if i should reply with something short like, "please delete my contact information, thank you"

Did her email ask for a response or was it a statement? This doesn’t mean you don’t reply – that is up to you. What would you reply with?

When we respond we hope for a particular answer, reply – because we want it to fit our reality of the situation – Borderlines rarely reply the way we wish.

Sex is important to all of us - I'm not going to judge however if this is what you want from her then you both need to agree and be clear about boundaries.

or send this BPD questionnaire i have for her to fill out... .  

You would be doing the same thing she is….part of us moving forward with whatever decision we make is to look at the person – the person is showing us who they are…do you need a diagnoses to help you move forward? Are you hoping she will realize she is BPD and seek help? – its likely sending the link will backfire.

She needs to seek help when she is ready. A professional is the best person to broach this subject.

I agree with lbj, if you want to reconcile, we need to learn some communication tools. Instead of tooing and frowing with champix emails/questionnaires make contact for a talk about the r/s.

[Grey Kitty]

I think the email is pretty reasonable to send if you really do want to cut contact with her. I would still suggest that mentioning BPD by name is a bad idea. I would just delete part of it as marked below:

"i can understand why you are still contacting me.  its the same patterns i've experienced for years, and my pattern would be to go running back to you.  however i've spent a lot of time researching personality disorders and participating on message boards like bpdfamily.com and i realize myself, that i have a certain type of personality disorder, and i need to spend my time focusing on that, improving my health and functionality and learning more about why i react to things the way i do, why i sometimes disregard my morals and values when i never should and why i do certain things that i do and why i am the way i am.  i want to improve my soul and find more peace and happiness and i am on the path to do so.

it would be very helpful to me and my growth if you stop popping up whenever you do. there is nothing more i can say regarding that.  i need to be alone for my journey, as distracting coping methods would just hinder my progress."

It is better to just stick to telling her what you are trying to do and what you are asking her to do.

what i hope to get out of that is her understanding that i have internal issues, and maybe she takes a moment to self-reflect and think she may want to look into why she acts the way she does.  i also hope that she has the compassion to not pop up in my life anymore, which previously she didn't mind, no matter if i ignored her. even if we didnt talk for a year, she still would come back. and i just think i can handle that cause i know i'll always take her back.

Pushing her to self-reflect doesn't seem likely for you at this point. It is unlikely to work no matter how you do it... .  and if you mix it up with rejection, which there is plenty of in this email, it is almost sure to fail.

And I agree with others--pointing her at these forums won't help her either. There ARE support resources for people suffering from BPD, and this isn't one.

[Clearmind]

Apologies FN, I didn't see your draft reply - keep it short, simple and about you, and don't leave any hooks. Blocking her emails is another possibility.

I agree with Grey Kitty about taking out the part about BPD.

[fakename]

thanks all for the insights. if she contacts me again, i'll consider sending the draft as grey kitty edited it or maybe i'll talk about what i expect from the relationship, but i just dont know how to do that.

every time my phone beeps, i look to see if it's her.  i dont know if thats just cause i miss her, if im hoping for a better version of her, or if im jealous cause shes probably with someone else

as for tonight, i just worked out so have some serotonin flowing, gonna eat a nice meal and make it a movie night. and i'm looking forward to that

[Clearmind]

fakename, she has shown you what she is capable of giving. Is she capable of change - possibility!

Has there been any talk/communication about reconciling?

[fakename]

The only talk was the Chantix email.

To which I didn't reply.

She is capable of giving a lot. And I did believe that she didn't cheat on her last relationship because she was trying to change.

But I don't know if she only sent me such a lame email because

1: she doesn't want to commit To anything and continue to see if she can find something better out there

2: she feels bad about lying to me when she went on that date for which I broke up with her and doesn't want To confess cause she'll think that I'll think she'll never change

3: she didn't have anyone to vent out her frustrations I (at least didn't want to show that face to anyone new she is talkin to just yet) and was feeling depressed and needed someone o talk to

4: she wants to see if we still has me as her puppet

5: she's on her period and very horny and can't have sex with any of her new guys yet cause of the bleeding (she gets very horny when on her period)


Funny how I don't think at all it was case she genuinely cared about Chantix

I also feel that I would have responded more positively if she put her ego aside and just came clean about when she lied and just clearly said whatshe wanted instead of still continuing on with games

Btw, to all that responded so far I appreciate your insights and attention while I try to work through this mess. I really needed the support and understanding

[fakename]

Clearmind, forgot to add,

I feel like if I'm the one to bring up talk about reconciling she'll have no respect for me and just continue to play me for a puppet

[Clearmind]

But I don't know if she only sent me such a lame email because

1: she doesn't want to commit To anything and continue to see if she can find something better out there

2: she feels bad about lying to me when she went on that date for which I broke up with her and doesn't want To confess cause she'll think that I'll think she'll never change

3: she didn't have anyone to vent out her frustrations I (at least didn't want to show that face to anyone new she is talkin to just yet) and was feeling depressed and needed someone o talk to

4: she wants to see if we still has me as her puppet

5: she's on her period and very horny and can't have sex with any of her new guys yet cause of the bleeding (she gets very horny when on her period)

It could be one or all of these things! Difficult to assume - How does it make you feel if it was any one of these reasons you list?

While we are talking a lot about what she might or might not be thinking or feeling – its always healthy to turn the attention to you and what you want. We could speculate fakename and guess what this contact means however we really don’t know.

Hypothetically, what would you do and feel if you made contact and it was not what you were hoping for (reconciliation) or expected (her declaring her undying love for you)?

I feel like if I'm the one to bring up talk about reconciling she'll have no respect for me and just continue to play me for a puppet

If reconciliation were possible – would it not be a 50/50 decision – one of you needs to make their intentions clear and if you are concerned about making a fool of yourself – then maybe its difficult to be yourself in this r/s!

I also feel that I would have responded more positively if she put her ego aside and just came clean about when she lied and just clearly said whatshe wanted instead of still continuing on with games

She doesn’t realize she is doing it fakename – and its more to do with shame than game playing and ego.

[fakename]

clearmind,

thanks for writing.

im not sure how it makes me feel if it were any one of those reasons. with her, when we were in our r/s i always just wanted an explanation so i could understand, and i always overlooked any wrongdoing she had committed. and this was before me knowing she has BPD... .  

i know i dont want to be used and i want a r/s where the love can grow, rather than it growing, then her doing something to damage it, and repeating...

if i tried making contact and we didn't reconcile... .  i would ask her why is she still continuing to pop up through sending manipulating emails like the chantix ones, and why she doesnt allow me to just move on. it would probably frustrate me.

yes, reconciliation would be a 50/50 decision, but i dont think it's that i'm afraid of making a fool of myself. i feel like boundaries were overstepped and i need to stand up for myself and my values. i have long tolerated cheating and lying in that r/s (i never did before her) and i'm not going to do it any more. regardless of whether she has BPD or not, i have principles and there have to be consequences for her (and my actions)... .  i was wronged, and i deserve to be with someone who acknowledges that and makes sure they dont repeat the error, just as i have always acknowledged and made sure not to repeat when i made mistakes.  i also deserve someone who goes out of their way to please me, just as i did for her.

lastly, when she was broken up with the guy before me, she would send him emails apologizing and professing her love. i guess i feel like i didn't get that... all i got was a chantix email... .  so what does that say about how she views me. a very easy target to get crawling back without any work or commitment from her part? or just doesnt love me the way she said she did, and puts more effort to be with other guys she's been with over me... .  

[Grey Kitty]

Hmm... .  it sounds like you are thinking about how a reconciliation could be... .  if she were to change/grow up/whatever.

You are sounding puzzled that she is contacting you... .  and showing no signs of behaving in the mature responsible fashion you are hoping for.

If you do stay in contact with her, or become more intimate with her... .  YOU need to acknowledge that she is who she is, and is exactly as messed up as she is right now... .  and decide that you are OK with being in a relationship with her despite this.

Even if she does change, it will be a long, slow, rocky road for her, and anybody near her. Do you think she is worth it? This isn't a rhetorical question. My answer to the equivalent question was "Yes." I also decided that there were *some* behaviors I wouldn't subject myself to.

My answer was Yes, it is worth trying. Worth trying HARD. My next answer was I can set boundaries to keep my soul, my identity, and my integrity intact. It is kinda strange... .  but by deciding that I was worth MORE than the relationship, I was able to see what I could commit to the relationship, and where I would walk away to save myself, and how far away I had to go to feel safe. This clarity really helped my relationship, and gave my wife room to help herself as well. Today I've got issues and problems in my life, but my wife isn't creating them.

[fakename]

grey kitty,

i am puzzled as to why she contacted me, after we broke up, and after we have broken up like 100 times, and in the past the only reason why one or the other would contact each other would be to get together.  but given our history and what we've been through and how i already told her there's been too many other guys, and lying and cheating destroy me, how can she still even think about contacting me after she's gone out and dated... .  it just seems so selfish and inconsiderate to me.

i understand i would have to accept she is who she is. but i cant accept lying and cheating. other stuff i can put up with. but there's already been 4 other guys since we first met. i cant put up with any more.  especially considering the girl has fibromyalgia. i'm sacrificing getting into a r/s with a mentally and physically healthy girl, the least i could except in return is honesty and fidelity.

i do not know if she is worth it.

what behavior would you not subejct yourself to, and how would you respond if she betrayed that?

how do you maintain your boundaries and what do you do if she passes them?

i agree i shoudl view myself as worth more than the relationship and i am beginning to see that. 

[Clearmind]

im not sure how it makes me feel if it were any one of those reasons. with her, when we were in our r/s i always just wanted an explanation so i could understand, and i always overlooked any wrongdoing she had committed.

May be good fakename to have a think about how it makes you feel – without thinking about the razzle and dazzle of the r/s and how you would like it to be – we need to remind ourselves of the reality of BPD, the impact it had on us, the impact it had on the r/s, why we stayed despite the ups and downs.

Accepting she is BPD, accepting she has limitations in what she can provide because she is BPD is the first step – I do agree with Grey Kitty here that you maybe asking your partner to be something she cannot be – that is – not BPD!

i know i dont want to be used and i want a r/s where the love can grow, rather than it growing, then her doing something to damage it, and repeating...

OK, how long were you with your partner? Did you see this happening in that r/s?

if i tried making contact and we didn't reconcile... .  i would ask her why is she still continuing to pop up through sending manipulating emails like the chantix ones, and why she doesnt allow me to just move on. it would probably frustrate me.

It would be nice if they would just leave us alone! Here is where our responsibility for our part comes in – you are ultimately responsible for permitting yourself to move on – it actually has little to do with her. If you wait for her to allow you to ‘just move on’ you will be waiting a long time. She may pop back into your life in a day, a week or a month. My ex popped back up 18 months later!

yes, reconciliation would be a 50/50 decision, but i dont think it's that i'm afraid of making a fool of myself. i feel like boundaries were overstepped and i need to stand up for myself and my values. i have long tolerated cheating and lying in that r/s (i never did before her) and i'm not going to do it any more.

regardless of whether she has BPD or not, i have principles and there have to be consequences for her (and my actions)... .  i was wronged, and i deserve to be with someone who acknowledges that and makes sure they dont repeat the error, just as i have always acknowledged and made sure not to repeat when i made mistakes.  i also deserve someone who goes out of their way to please me, just as i did for her.

Awesome! You are now making a list for yourself on what you need in a r/s. So far:  to be valued, a space where love can grow, good clear boundaries, your values are respected, no cheating or lying (honesty), acknowledges responsibly for your/their part in the r/s dynamic.

Did the r/s provide you with that?

We all make mistakes and no one is perfect – I have repeated my mistakes a few times however the difference is having a partner who allows you the space to right yourself not tear you down for making it. This is the difference between a supportive r/s not a toxic r/s.

i also deserve someone who goes out of their way to please me, just as i did for her.

I was with you til here FN! This type of people pleasing dynamic is fraught with danger and is possibly how we (I) ended up with a BPD in the first place.

Pleasing is a form of servitude and we are each responsible for our own happiness – it is also highly important to be emotionally independent of our partners and not enmeshed.  Therefore to go out of your way to please, is setting the r/s up for a fall – it is more enmeshment and co-dependent behaviors than a healthy r/s dynamic.

If we are a people pleaser we tend to have loose boundaries and we make ourselves open to be taken advantage of – this certainly happened to me in my previous r/s.  Some of us (classic co-dependent behaviour) tried to control through people pleasing and puts us into the mindset of “Well I have done all this for you, and you don’t give me anything” – it protects us from our own abandonment were we feel useful to another person rather than valued for who we are.

lastly, when she was broken up with the guy before me, she would send him emails apologizing and professing her love. i guess i feel like i didn't get that... all i got was a chantix email... .  so what does that say about how she views me. a very easy target to get crawling back without any work or commitment from her part? or just doesnt love me the way she said she did, and puts more effort to be with other guys she's been with over me... .  

He is not blessed…he would have been tortured just like you were.

What this does show is who she is more than who you are as a person. You don’t know what the other guy sent her first and we cannot be certain of her state of mind when she sent the email.

Fakename, we often turn to the disordered person to define who we are as a person. You are not the things she thinks about you – the BPD looking glass is highly distorted. And we in the process believe the projections. This is the first step in healing – that is – to define your own worth and not comparing yourself to this other guy and what he may or may not have provided her.

I get where you are going with this thought.  It’s hard not to compare their previous r/s. I met with my exBPD’s GF before me – trust me when I say little changes – my ex was certainly more mean spirited towards his ex then me – however essentially what her and I both have in common – is that we chose a Borderline – Why is that!

FN, I understand you wanting to pick this apart, I did it too however what really helps sometimes is to turn the focus onto you and your own r/s style/dynamic – much of this stems from our own family of origin (FOO) – I really had to delve into my own childhood to see why I chose my partner.

[Grey Kitty]

i am puzzled as to why she contacted me, after we broke up, and after we have broken up like 100 times... .  

Start by understanding that her mind isn't working like yours does. It makes lots of wrong turns. Understanding exactly WHICH wrong turns her mind makes, and what messed up roadmap it was following won't help you.

Figuring out what you can do for yourself will take you a LOT further.

what behavior would you not subejct yourself to, and how would you respond if she betrayed that?

how do you maintain your boundaries and what do you do if she passes them?

I really got to understand boundaries. If I set a proper boundary, it is by definition impossible for another person to cross it. I can only fail to enforce it. (And learn better for the next time)

Example boundary: I will not accept verbal abuse. If she starts raging at me, I quietly and politely excuse myself and LEAVE. (If I'm too pissed to be quiet and polite, I get out loudly and rudely... .  but either way I leave.)

Since *I* decide to remove myself from the situation, she cannot get past this boundary.

Another boundary was that I wouldn't let her stop me from seeing or talking to friends who would support me. I was willing to negotiate timing and other issues that impacted us both, but I wasn't willing to let her shut down my outside friendships.

There was a time where she was having a complicated obsession/emotional affair/sexually charged friendship/hard-to-define relationship with another guy. It reached a point where I told her that I knew I couldn't stop her from seeing him. But I wasn't sure I'd be able to take her back if she did. (I honestly wasn't sure at the time. If I had been certain that this would be it for me, I would have told her that.)

In that sort of situation, the only boundary you can enforce is that you will end/limit your contact with her if she does it. I'm glad I wasn't forced to make that decision.

i understand i would have to accept she is who she is. but i cant accept lying and cheating. other stuff i can put up with. but there's already been 4 other guys since we first met. i cant put up with any more.

Listen to how you say that:

"I can't accept ... .  "

There is no personal power or responsibility in that statement. At a literal level you are saying that you cannot accept reality as it is.

Try this on instead:

"I choose not to be in a relationship with somebody who ... .  "

That is a powerful statement. It states what YOU will DO.

You already HAVE that power. It is yours. Just pick it up, then use it carefully.